At 04:29 PM 1/2/98 -0800, Rob Barba wrote:
---Scott Pollert <pollerts@hsonline.net> wrote:
Ok, I'm up to and through part 3 of this
rather large fic
**Large fic? Naaah. Wait'll you see TOS5 (est.
size, about 6 Megs).
*Kasumi voice* Oh my!
**C&C is nice, thanks.
You're welcome.
**In the end, all this is just a rainy day story
by Ranko. Not like it's real or anything. ^_~
Seriously, this part was inspired by one of my
favorite movies, The Princess Bride.
Cool. One of my favorite movies!
One thing I might suggest
right off and get out of the way is that the
formatting of the fic seems a
touch off. For the most part everything is
fine, but I get the occasional
choppy line that breaks up the appearance of
the fic. Admittedly, it could
just be my emailer, but...
**Haven't heard any other complaints. I"ll see
what I can do, though.
Like I said, this could just be me. I get some wierd stuff from time to time.
**Things can happen quickly in some lives. In
thiers, it just goes faster. Besides, I believe
that the failed wedding was a wake-up call for
just about everyone.
Wasn't really complaining too much here. Its obviously not the heart of the
fic yet and its understandable if it gets a little rushed in order to get
to the 'good part'.
Also, killing off
Shampoo's father and stripping Ukyou of her
family seemed unneccesarily
cruel.
**Yes it does, just not in this fic (for Ukyo);
it has an impact at the end for Shampoo.
*Nod. Nod.* Ok, just haven't got that far I guess.
While I really liked the Nerima bits, once
the pagoda attacked, well,
let's say I was dissappointed. Where should I
start... First off, the idea
of a powerful magical device like the pagoda
appearing and attacking a
major city in the modern world just seems
*wrong*!
**As if magical springs are correct?!?!?
What I really had a problem with here is the act of attacking the city
itself. This is all my personal opinion of course, but you should try to
avoid bringing magic and technology into conflict in a story like this.
What would *really* happen if someone showed up with a Jusenkyo curse?
They'd be studied, dissected and locked away in some research center for
the rest of there lives, that's what. So what happens when someone flies a
physics defying, giant crystal pagoda into the heart of a major city?
*Everyone* is going to want to tear the damn thing apart along with whoever
controls it to find out what makes it tick, that's what. Magic should be
subtle, sliding through the cracks of the world. I would have far prefered
an entrance similiar to Kirin's flying ship from the first Ranma movie.
Appearing out of nowhere, invisible to radar and other techonological
devices, making a grand entrance, accomplishing its mission, and
dissappearing into the mist it came from. Charging in like a bull in a
china shop just rubs me the wrong way I suppose.
**Never be surprised by things like that. Truth
is stranger than....
Well, true...
Little places like the Chinese Amazons or the
Musk Dynasty survive
because they're small, and don't rock the
boat. Nguyen just blew his cover
and made himself the most wanted man in the
world! I question how anyone
that stupid could have controlled anything for
300 years.
**Or very arrogant.
In my opinion, arrogance usually IS stupidity.
**The Mirror of the Soul attack actually works
like an independent-reflective surface while
concentrating and ampliying the attack. What he
threw at Rain was weaker than what he got back.
I should have specified; I'll fix that in the
final version.
Do, please, it would make things much clearer. Perhaps something else you
should consider though is that at this point in the story, Ryouga's Shi Shi
Hokodan is probably weaker than normal. Since the ki blast draw's on
Ryouga's depression and he is currently engaged to Akari, he probably isn't
his usual depressed self!
**RANMA is usually the one leading rescues, and
there is, in my opinion, a subconcious charisma
effect becasue of this. Therefore, no Ranma, no
inflated egos. Besides, there is also the mass
destruction that has occured around them, which
can be pretty sobering as well.
I thought of this as well when I originally read it, but I think if you're
going to use this as your explanation you need to spell it out a little bit
more. Right now the characters just seem to 'die' going straight from the
fight to depression. Maybe a scene where Akane (who I still think *would*
try to go on her own, after all, her and Ranma were finally developing a
relationship!) tried to leave after Ranma and everyone else more or less
gangs up on her and tells her how hopeless their situation is. 'Where did
they go?' 'Who were they?' 'We don't know how dangerous they are.' etc.
Nevermind the fact that Kuno at
least should be going around knocking down
**Okay, I'll work on it in the rewrite.
Kuno is a man of action. Not that he necessarily will accomplish anything...
**She should have learned her lesson the
previous times she's screwed with Amazon relics.
Plus, the damage effect is just a little
larger than usual. Welcome one Amazon Princess
to Reality Check.
Ack! A Ranma 1/2 character actually learning a lesson!? Which universe are
you in!?
;-)
In conclusion, I'm gonna have to give this
fic 2 1/2 out of 5 stars at
this point in time.
**;_;
This is only for the first three parts remember! Don't worry, I'm sure it
gets better!
(This is for content alone, btw. Spelling and
grammer
** "grammar" ^_^
D'OH!! And now you see why I don't critique spellling or grammar!
**Believe me, every little bit helps. I really
appreciate the time and length of your tome. To
know that someone likes my fic gives me that
warm and fuzzy feeling. ^_^ Hope you enjoy the
rest of the roller coaster ride.
Should post my thoughts on the next three chapters here later tonight!
Ja ne, --Rob
Thanks!
Scott
P.S. A little clip here from the tail end of
part 1:
-----
Gee, and I thought no one would catch that!
So when do I get my cookie!?
P.P.S One last thing I forgot to mention in my first note. This is a clip
from the end of the send part.
-----
Akane looked around for blocks. *Literally* looked around for blocks;
the area, over a kilometer in radius, had been vaporized--grass scorched
away, houses demolished, lives ruined and dreams destroyed. Even the Kuno
Manor, a house that had stood si
nce the Edo period, one of the few places to survive the bombing runs
during World War II, was now gone. In the distance, she could make out the
shape of her own home, just a little over a mile away.
-----
Akane uses both kilometers and miles to compare distances here. You should
probably use either one of the other here because right now it looks kinda
odd. Also, after pasting this into my mailer from the notepad I noticed one
of the formatting errors I mentioned earlier. For some reason, there's a
return in between the 'si' and 'nce' of 'since' in the above paragraph.
What email program are you using, because I know mine doesn't do that sort
of thing. Also, when saved, I noticed your lines were well over 80
characters long, something which Eudora can handle easily enough, but some
other emailers might have a problem with. Just a thought... Thanks for
listening again.
----------
Scott Pollert [pollerts@hsonline.net]