Remembering That Memory
31 December 1997

Sometimes I just sit at my desk and think about the unusual life I lead,
wondering when all this craziness will end. Today is different, there is
one issue which won't leave me alone. I've tried to dodge it, think of
other, more frivolous things but... no. And it's all thanks to the past
month, to the trip abroad...
   
This confusion is all his fault. What I saw of him and heard of him was a
different person to how he normally acts. A side I rarely get to see of
the usually macho guy. A caring, noble side that cares for _me_. How much
I don't know, for he has since closed up and locked his emotions away.
All I know is that his feelings go beyond friendship, maybe even... love.
If I only knew, then the uncertainty wouldn't be dragging me so far down.

He gave up so much to save me. I know how much it meant to him, so I... I
must have meant more. I had to. He was so crushed by his loss but tried
to hide it, to spare me the guilt but I knew him better than he thought I
did. You could see the hurt in his eyes, unguarded pain.

I was told by a friend of mine who was there with him, for most of the
journey, that they had to drag him away from danger when he thought I was
dead. Apparently, he was inconsolable and grief-stricken. How long would
he have been like that if I really had died? ...Forever, perhaps? I don't
even want to think about that...

I probably would have been shocked if I hadn't remembered hearing his
soft, caring, guilt-ridden voice when I lay in a coma-like state in his
arms, instead I just felt almost lifted by this revelation -- that he
cared for me so much -- and I knew that my friend wouldn't lie, having no
reason to. I still puzzle over the melancholy, resigned look on their
face when they told me of his actions. Why did they look like they had
lost someone? No-one had died...     

But my thoughts soon turn back to him. I can't shake the words which he
had whispered to me, not knowing I could hear all he said. I wish I
didn't have to feel the need to banish them, I wish that he hadn't denied
their meanings so intensely, making me doubt the unspoken feelings and
emotions conveyed in an almost unrecognisable, vulnerable voice which
would have had me close to tears if I had been able to cry. His voice was
so full of despair and remorse. And when he desperately cried out my
name, bursting into tears and fast losing hope, that's when I was sure
that all the insults tossed back and forth during the past year were
meaningless. That this was how he really felt about me, that he... he...
loved me. The more I think about it, the more real it seems.

And I was so happy, happier than I've ever felt. I couldn't stop smiling.
But soon after I woke up, that side of him disappeared, having realised
that I had heard everything. His heart left his sleeve and hid under his
embarressment. I miss that side... How long will it be before our
relationship is resolved? I can't deal with all of these new feelings on
my own. I've never felt so unsure of something and yet so sure. I just
wish... I wish --

~Knock, knock.~

"Come in," I say, trying to wipe the unwelcome tears off my face. I turn
round to see who has disturbed my thoughts. It's... him. Before the trip
I would have told him to get out, but now... "Hi."

"Kasumi says that dinner's ready..." he seems to be studying my red eyes
with veiled concern. "You OK, Akane?" he asks me.

"I'm fine, Ranma, I'm fine," I reply unsteadily. One day, perhaps...

The end.

Notes:
I know, I know, it was probably pretty obvious who it was from near the
start but it was just something I had to write, to get out of my system.
Ideas spilled out into this very-rough draft over the course of a few
hours after being inspired by a Sting song I heard on the radio. And I
know that this sort of thing has been done to death but, who cares... So
rip to shreds if you want to,'cos I know this ain't my best! 

~K-chan 

Hope you've had (or are going to have) a happy Hogmany! ^_^
  
PS. Can anyone give me some info on Japanese funerals? Thankyou!