This is an extremely silly little thing I wrote as an attempt to
overcome writer's inertia. Comments are welcome, if you really think
it's worth it. :-)



			   RANMA AND FRIENDS

		    	  A Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
			     by Gary Kleppe


"Ranma, you stupid jerk! You do things like this just to embarrass me,
don't you!"

"Hey, I let that girl take me out to dinner 'cause I was hungry. How was
I supposed to know she was gonna try that stuff?"

"Ranma! What have you done to Akane now? Prepare to die!"

"Nabiki, this was your idea! Tell Akane it wasn't my fault!"

"Sorry, Ranma, my memory's a bit hazy. Maybe an even five thousand yen
might clear it."

A typical morning on a typical day at the Tendo Dojo. A typical opening
for a typical fanfiction. But little did Ranma and friends know that
their lives would soon be changed forever.

"Oh my, I guess that's my cue." Kasumi walked casually into the living
room. "Ranma, there's someone here to see you!"

"It's not that Pantyhose creep, is it?" Ranma asked as he ducked under
Ryoga's fist.

"Goodness, no. See for yourself!" She held out a small purple stuffed
animal.

"It's--" Ranma gaped in surprise as his jaw dropped.

Sparkles of energy twirled around the animal. Abruptly it was gone. In
its place stood a purple-colored dinosaur with a goofy smile on its
face.

"IT'S BARNEY!!" everyone cheered.

The dinosaur spoke in a voice that was as dopey as its expression.
"Hiya, kids! I'm here to teach you all some important lessons. And we'll
have some FUN too!"

Kasumi held out a teapot. "Would anyone like a cup? How about you, Mr.
Barney?"

"Why thank you, Kasumi!" Barney somehow lifted a teacup between his
large front paws. "You always do what you're supposed to. Such a good
girl!"

"Oh my, why thank you!"

"Do we have ta do this?" Ranma said glumly. "I hate school."

Akane hit him with a conveniently-placed flowerpot. "Quiet, Ranma! Just
listen to what he's got to say!"

"Our first lesson is honesty. Ranma, Akane, how do you really feel about
each other?"

"Me? Who says I feel anything about this uncute tomboy?"

"Oh yeah? That goes double for me, Ranma!"

"Kids, admitting your true feelings is always risky. But if you don't,
you might never know that the other person feels the same way. Now try
again, and this time be honest."

"Okay." Akane took a deep breath. "Ranma, I-- I love you. I know I hit
you and yell at you, but that's because I'm afraid of being hurt."

"Um, well, y'know, I love you too and stuff. It's just not easy to say,
y'know? Guys ain't supposed to get all gushy. Y'wanna, like, get
married?"

Barney leapt up and down joyfully as Ranma and Akane embraced each
other. "I'm so happy! I'm going to sing a song!"

Soun Tendo rushed into the room. "Stop that! You're not going to do a
song while I'm here!"

"Ranma!" Ryoga cried. "What are you doing to Akane? She deserves better
than you!"

"Why, I think it's time for our next lesson!" Barney turned toward
Ryoga. "Our next lesson is forgiveness! Ryoga, can you forgive Ranma?"

"No!" Ryoga snarled.

"But forgiveness is divine!" Barney laughed. "Ryoga, you've got a chance
to start a new life. Don't waste your time chasing after Ranma."

"Oh, all right. Guess I'll go marry Akari... or Ukyo... is this story
manga or anime based? Never mind, I'll just leave."

Ryoga wandered out the door as Barney cheered. "Oh, we're all just one
big happy family!"

A section of wall abruptly caved in to reveal a familiar shapely Amazon.
"Where Ranma? Shampoo want date with him!"

Mousse came up behind her. "Shampoo! Let ME date with you!"

"Stupid Mousse!" Shampoo punched him in the gut. "Who ask you come
here?"

"Why, I think it's time for our next lessons!" Barney said.

"I hope one of 'em's how to use a doorknob," Ranma said dryly.

"Mousse, you're trying too hard to smother Shampoo with attention. Back
up a little and give her some space! After all, if she's going to love
you, it has to be her decision, doesn't it?"

Mousse could only wheeze and clutch his stomach.

"Shampoo, you need to appreciate Mousse more. He's been so nice to you,
what if he decided to quit and leave you behind? Who would you have
then?"

"Mousse?" Shampoo gazed with big eyes. "You nice to me? Shampoo not
notice before!"

"Uh... yes!" Mousse gasped out.

"Come, Mousse! We get married!" Shampoo grabbed him by the arm and
bounded away.

"Oh, it's so wonderful being able to help people!" Barney said. "There's
a song about it, that goes like this...."

"Cut that out! Cut that out!" Soun interrupted.

The door flew open. "Saotome!" Tatewaki Kuno strode proudly into the
room. "Release Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl at once!" He looked
at the purple dinosaur. "What is this? Some foul demon you've conjured?"

Barney laughed. "Our next lesson is facing reality. Upperclassman Kuno,
your 'Pig-Tailed Girl' is actually Ranma!"

"What?"

"He's under a Jusenkyo curse that turns him female. And neither he nor
Akane has any love for you whatsoever!"

"And why did no one inform me of these facts?"

"Hey, it ain't like we didn't try," Ranma said.

Barney looked towards Nabiki. "Now, another lesson for today is
generosity."

"I suppose this one is for me?" Nabiki interrupted. "And I'm going to be
married to Kuno-chan when it's over?"

Barney jumped up happily. "Oh, love is so special!"

"Well, that's good. Because Kuno-chan just happens to be a majority
stockholder in Barney, Inc. Since generosity is so good, after we're
married I think I'll go to your management and tell them to give away
all of that Barney merchandise for free."

"Uh..."

"Then I'll demand that the sweatshops where your Barney toys are made
pay their workers union wages."

"NO!!" Barney looked around desperately. "Kids, our lesson is when to
leave well enough alone. Kasumi! YOU can marry Upperclassman Kuno!"

"Oh my!" Kasumi said. "But what about Dr. Tofu?"

"Never mind, I'll find someone else for him later. Oh, I'm so happy when
everything works out for the best!"

Nabiki smirked. "Yup. One big happy family!"


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics