Date: Thu, 25 Dec 1997 10:24:43 -0800
To: Harold Ancell <hga@acm.org>
From: "Larry W. Fontenot" <fontenot@earthlink.net>
Subject: Re: [FFML] (Fanfic) Ranma's Angels
In-Reply-To: <3.0.3.32.19971225111544.03118d70@pop.access.digex.net>
References: <3.0.3.32.19971225030724.007b9e90@staffmail.earthlink.net>
At 11:15 AM 12/25/97 -0500, you wrote:
My major suggestion is that you split this into two independent stories.
The teaching the little girl/Akane/etc. story is wonderful, and very well
done, but it doesn't as of yet seem very compatiable with the bank
robbery.
It will later. Ranma has been placed into a situation where he knows that
if he acts, they start shooting. This story is called Ranma's Angels
because the GIRLS in his life are the ones who will get him out of it.
Kazuko-chan WILL have her part to play, too!
Which BTW is *extremely* uncharacteristic for Japan, which is
a very tightly controlled police state, where it's front page news if
someone just randomly shoots a building without hitting anyone. The
Yakuza don't do this sort of thing, about the only ones who would are
political types like the Red Army Faction (if I remember the name
correctly).
You're right. This group is intended to be a political action group,
modeled on the one that gassed the subway station a while back. They are
NOT real bank robbers, they're taking hostages. As soon as they feel
secure, they will start communicating with the authorities to make their
demands. In the meantime, by making it look like a bank robbery gone
wrong, they gain a little time to consolidate their position and rig the
building. There are a lot more of them than the TV can see, busy setting
boobytraps. That's also why the leader is so afraid of the thought of
Ranma being loose; a lot of his men are scattered, and the traps could be
turned against them.
I also sense that you may not be as sure footed with this
sort of story as you were with the previous part.
That's because I've been concentrating most of my effort so far on the
intro of the story. I'm still not quite done with it, because I need to
elaborate on the idea that Kazuko has developed a crush on Ranma, which
I've only hinted at so far. (What kind of fanfic would this be without a
new girl interested in Ranma, hmmm?) It is common in many anime/manga
stories for a very young girl to chase the hero.
I haven't yet began to rewrite on the terrorist storyline, so you are just
seeing the rough outline of its beginning. BTW, while Japan is a total
gun-controlled society, it's underworld groups like the Yakuza do have
access to guns. I'm just taking it one step farther in assuming a
terrorist group could get assault rifles if they really wanted to.
Other minor comments: you might consider breaking your prose into a few more
paragraphs. And one thing I *really* like about your storytelling style is
how you break the narriative to skip stuff the reader can easily figure
out; most fanfic writers seem to feel compelled to describe every little
thing that happens during the story.
That I can do. I actually had just consolidated a few paragraph breaks a
few nights ago to try and improve the flow of the story.
I plan to skip over the everyday stuff where possible, if only because I'm
lazy ;)
Anyway, keep up the good work; this is a way above average FFML debut.
- Harold
And thank you for some good comments. This is part of the kind of
response I was looking for. Explaining plot elements in this email has
already helped me crystallize a few things in my mind. Ja ne,
Larry W. Fontenot
Senior Technician
Earthlink Tech Support
http://home.earthlink.net/~lfontenot/