Larry,

A fascinating story, all things considered, but you've got to learn about
paragraphing.

You're writing it like this with all the narrative run together into one
long block of text that just goes on and on. "Paragraphs?" asked the writer.
"What do I need paragraphs for?" "Well, for one thing, they make the story
MUCH easier to read," remarked another writer.  "Dialog is awfully hard to
follow, most of the time, if it isn't structured in the standard way,"
interjected a puzzled reader. While it's true that a giant of literature
like James Joyce may have written with out a whole lot of structure, we mere
mortals aren't James Joyce.

     "It would be better if you wrote in paragraphs," said Bob.

     "It would certainly be easier to read and understand, don't you agree,
Bob?"

     "Who was that?" asked Bob.  Bob then realized that it was an
illustrative device to show, through the mechanism of a pseudo dialog,
something of the mechanics of proper paragraphing.

     "Wow! I didn't even know Bob knew words like that!" exclaimed an
innocent bystander just before he was crushed by a straw man that fell off a
passing dead horse.

And so on.  Really, Larry, it needs a rewrite, badly.  Otherwise, it's
awfully good for a rough draft?  Did you say it was a rough draft?  Anyway,
all the other language minutae seemed to be startlingly good... spelling,
verb tenses, syntax and so on.  Just the paragraphs.  I'm looking forward to
seeing the rest of the story.

Best,

Bob Barnes
rbarnes@moscow.com
Moscow, Idaho

When opportunity comes, the trick is to CATCH the red hat.