Zen-chan trudged back to her dormroom on Academy, hot, tired and wet. It
had not been the best of days. Palming the lock, she staggered into the
darkened room, not noticing that she was not alone. She was about to call
for the lights when she was glomped from behind. She and her attacker went
down in a heap.
Zen-chan: Waaaaaaaaahh!
Yuri: Computer, Lights!
As the lights flared to life, Zen-chan managed to roll onto her back, only
to find herself nose to nose with Kei.
Zen-chan: <with exaggerated calm> It won't work you know. Zen has modified
the replicators. They won't even *make* peanut butter any more...
Kei: Awww, Zen, where's the fun in that?
Yuri: <grinning, hands behind back> 'sides. Who needs peanut butter? We
have *this* instead. <Yuri pulls a jar out from behind her back and waves
it at Zen-chan>
Zen-chan: <reads label and pales> No... you wouldn't...
Kei: <smirking> Better behave then, ne? We got another fic to review.
Zen-chan looks back up at Yuri who, as usual, draws an isolinear chip out
of... er... hammerspace.
Zen-chan: <blinking> How *do* you do that, anyway?
Yuri: <leering> Care to give it a try, Zen-*chan*?
Zen-chan: <turning beet red> Err... Actually, if Kei'll let Zen up, Zen
would *like* to ... change before getting started...
Kei: <letting Zen-chan up> Well... okay. But don't take long, ne?
Zen-chan nods and heads for the bathroom. Several minutes later there is
the sound of a shower running - followed by a string of expletives that
made even Kei blush. There is a moment of silence, and then a dull
*whumpf* followed by a strangled cry that goes suddenly deeper in pitch.
Almost immediately came the sounds of the shower again, and Zen-chan once
more pressing the limits of her more colourful linguistic skills. The
bathroom door flies open, and Zen-chan, soaking wet and read as a lobster
comes storming out, wrapped up in a big, fluffy towel. She is still
swearing a blue streak. At least it *sounded* like she was swearing...
Neither Kei nor Yuri were familiar with the language.
Zen-chan: <swearing and stalking towards the door> Zen'll **kill** them...
G'daya k'hest...
Kei: <grabbing Zen-chan's arm> Hey, whoa, Zen. Where do you think you're
going now?
Zen-chan: <growling> Maintenance... leggo... <tries to pull free of Kei's
grip>
Yuri: <noting Zen-chan's lack of proper attire> Dressed like that? Are
you insane?
Zen-chan: <pauses and considers> You're right. <heads for the closet -
and Kei lets her go>
Zen-chan rummages in closet for a minute and comes out with a gunbelt, with
an Electromag 225 Plasma Pistol in the holster. Strapping this on over her
towel, Zen-chan heads for the door again.
Zen-chan: That's MUCH better. Thanks.
Kei: <grabs one of Zen-chan's arms> Oh no, Zen... We've a fic to review,
remember?
Yuri: <grabbing the other arm> That's right! We do! What'd maintenance
do, anyway?
Zen-chan: ... <finally quits struggling and surrenders>
Yuri: <relieved> So what has you so steamed anyway?
Zen-chan: <glares at Yuri> Funny you should say that. As it happens, all
the steam lines to this wing of the building appear to be off. Zen is
*stuck* like this.
Kei: Oh, is *that* all. If you're that worried about it, just use one of
your saunic grenades. Though personally...
Zen-chan: <glares at Kei> Oh, Zen *did*. It worked too. Until the
sprinkler system went off...
Kei & Yuri: Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Zen-chan: <muttering> Well at least *somebody* thinks it's funny...
Yuri: <catching her breath> Later, Zen. Now it's time to go over this
fic. We're late with it as it is.
Zen-chan: <growling> Oh, all *right* already. <heads for the bathroom
again> Just give Zen a sec to get dressed...
Kei: <innocently> Are you sure you want to waste the time? After all,
you're only gonna end up...
Zen-chan stalks into the bathroom still shaking her head. Three minutes
later she comes out dressed in a form-fitting jumpsuit and boots. With a
theatrical sigh, she plops down in a chair in front of the entertainment
center. Yuri slips the chip into the reader,a nd she nad Kei take their
seats, flanking Zen-chan.
Yuri: <kindly> Really, Zen, it's not so bad. After all, it *is* a
continuation of Becerra-san's fic.
Zen-chan: <perks up> Already? *whew* Why didn't you say so?
Kei: <grinning> That wouldn't have been near as much fun...
Zen-chan: ...
Yuri: Shhh! It's starting...
At 20:03 -0700 12/19/97, Edward Becerra wrote:
Well, folks, here goes another try. My new copy of Eudora is
letting me _read_ mail, but not send it, sooo.. it's back to faithful PINE
for sending stuff out to you all.
This is a significantly longer version of the fic that Zen MST'ed
a few days ago, and it has a nasty surprise twist where this bit ends.
What that twist IS.. is something you'll have to read to find out. Unless
of course, you've been on kawaiiMUCk, listening to Gaffney, Loader and the
rest give me 'what for' for my silly ideas. Loony ideas, actually.
Zen.. have fun MST'ing this one. <evil smirk>
Zen-chan: ...
Yuri: <amused> Nervous, Zen?
Zen-chan: Ayup. Evil smirks are never a good sign...
* * *
Ed sat in the bridge, shuddering. "If I _EVER_ see that universe again, I
hope someone _shoots_ me."
"It was educational, boss."
"Educational my ASS! I _never_ want to Brrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Zen: What are you doing, Kei?
Kei: I'm fast forwarding through this bit... we saw it last time.
Zen: But what if he changed it?
Yuri: What was there that needed to change?
Zen: ...
Kei: Don't sweat it so much! There's new stuff to get to!
Zen: <shrugs> Well, okay. If you say so.
iiiiiiiiiiiiiipppp, boss! It's not _that_ bad."
Ed looked at her and dropped his head into his hands and moaned. "Please
tell me you're joking."
"No. Given our guest's name, and the recent transmissions I've been
monitoring from this system, the planet nearby is the world of Dolz, and
we're in the same universe as the.."
"DON'T SAY IT!" he screamed, jerking upright.
Yuri: Oh, GOOD timing, Kei!
"..Lovely Angels," she finished. "We're in the reality of the Flight 005
Conspiracy OAV."
"The Dirty Pair," he whispered. "We're doomed."
Kei: ...
* * *
Somewhere, light years away, a red-haired young woman sat up in her bunk
and looked around, confused and angry. "I could have _sworn_ I heard
someone say it.."
Zen-chan: <smirks>
Kei stabs at the remote again.
"Why so up Brrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiippp your species or not."
Nice guy, the Doctor. But I digress...
Zen-chan: Getting close...
Kei nods and lets the fic drop back to normal playing speed.
Maybe I've gotten lucky this time around. Maybe Dietrich was the reason
Valanna's spell drew us here. Fates willing, we might be able to leave this
reality just as soon as we get him back with his family again.
Maybe it's just that simple.
Zen-chan: Oh, Ed... you *have* to know better than that.
Maybe there won't be any trouble here.
And maybe pigs will fly.
Zen-chan: Well, besides in Nerima, you mean?
End Log Entry 47, Year 26.
***********************************
Old Earth, North American continent.
South-western sector, Sonorran desert.
A small campfire was burning in the night, casting light and shadow
across the sparse vegetation and pushing back the chill of the desert wind.
Sitting crosslegged next to it was a thin young man, native American from
the cast of his face. Oddly enough, he wasn't dressed for the time or the
climate, wearing a white t-shirt, jeans, and a leather motorcycle jacket.
A raven swooped down from the moonlit sky and perched on a nearby
saugwaro catus.. It cawed once, then coughed.
Yuri: Er... Zen? You're from Terra... what's a 'catus'?
Zen-chan: It's an extremely rare form of typo that can be found in desert
regions...
"You're playing with him again, aren't you."
The man smiled. "Why not? He _is_ mine, you know. He said it himself. The
blood runs _strongly_ in him.. and in _them_."
Kei: You know... the way he stressed _them_ like that... you'd almost
think he was talking about _us_...
Zen-chan: Well, this *is* a Lovely Angels story...
A sardonic cackle came from the raven. "And you wonder why you get in
trouble with our Father. I'm surprised he hasn't skinned you alive and left
you to the sands."
"That's half the fun right there, cousin. Everything fun is at least a
_little_ dangerous. And everything dangerous is at least a little fun." The
man laughed. "You're a fine one to talk.. the Peoples of the Pacific don't
exactly have the fondest memories of you."
Zen-chan: An interesting philosophy... though Zen has doubts. Not
everything that's dangerous is at all fun... Just try saying Di...
Kei: <whaps Zen-chan> You are just *asking* for it, aren't you?
"True, true.." The raven clacked his beak a few times. "Just remember,
when I play with them, there isn't all that much they can do about it, aside
>from calling for help. This one is more powerful by far. You might want to
remember that, when he gets his hands on you."
"No chance of that, cousin mine."
Yuri: Why do those sound like famous last words?
The raven launched himself into the air, and circled overhead. "If I
recall correctly, that's _exactly_ what you said when you got involved with
that lawyer who'd left the People. And again when you tried playing games
with that rich round eye from New York. And that one even managed to trap
you. If it weren't for your friends.. Heh. You never learn." He
straighted out and flew away. But the wind brought his voice back one last
time.
"This time, any help is going to cost you, Cousin. Remember _that_."
Kei: <<innocent>> Then you better hope he won't be eating crow, hadn't you?
Yuri: <whaps Kei> Now *you're* starting to sound like Zen... Stop it!
Zen-chan: Hey!
The man smirked. "As if I'd need any." But the raven was long since gone,
unable to hear him. He stood, and scattered the small fire with a foot,
careful to smother the flames.
Smiling in the moonlight, his form began to blur at the edges. Mere
seconds later, a small dust-devil stood in his place, its swirling winds
whipping the desert sands into a frenzy. A piercing howl shivered the
night.
Zen-chan: Well, he's all wound up about something...
Yuri: <bops Zen-chan> That's one! Though... 'shivered the night' is an
odd expression... 'shattered' might be a better word choice.
And the desert was empty once more.
* * *
"We're approaching Asim, boss. I need you at the helm."
Ed nodded. "Did you remember to access all the proper port conventions
>from Dolz?"
Minerva laughed. "Boss, I may have a flesh and blood body now, thanks to
Valanna, but I'm _still_ a computer. I _never_ forget."
Zen-chan: Never forgets? <<shudders>> Zen thought that was...
Yuri: DON'T go there, if you know what's good for you, Zen-*chan*...
He rolled his eyes. "That isn't what you said when we got in trouble with
Sylia and the Knight Sabers over that collection of erotic fiction they
found on the logic solid."
"That was an accident, boss! I'd wiped those! I have no idea HOW those
files got back onto that crystal."
Zen-chan: <snorts> Sounds like Minerva here has a sense of humour like
yours, Kei.
Kei: ...
"Uh-huh. Riiiiight. Pull the other leg, it's got bells on."
She pouted cutely. "You don't believe me?"
Zen-chan: Not if he's smart!
"I _know_ you, girl," he chuckled. "Now, let's get into an approach lane
and see about setting down on Asim. I trust the proper documents are ready?"
Yuri: You know... he keeps doubting her... one of these days, she's gonna
get him for that...
Zen-chan: Don't you yhink that's a little paranoid, Yuri?
Yuri: <shrugs> It's what *I* would do.
Zen-chan: Yes, but Minerva-san is a computer.
Yuri: <pointing at the screen> She's also a woman!
Zen-chan: Don't be ridiculous! Computers are logical. They... oops.
Yuri: <feral grin> Just wait, Zen. After this fic is over... you're
going to pay for that little slip...
Zen-chan: <nervously> Ed-san... PLEASE tell Zen that this section is at
least 400 K... Please? <groans>
"We're legal now, boss. We're registered out of a freeport out of Nova
Liberia."
"Nice touch," he grinned.
"I thought so." She paused. "We're being hailed."
Ed took the captain's seat as the main screen lit up. A thin young man
materialized on-screen.
Kei: The second use of screen here seems awkward... maybe of you said
'materialised on the display' it would sound more natural...
"This is Asim approach control. What ship?"
"The private yatch 'Calypso', out of Nova Liberia. I am the
owner-captain, Anthony Edwards." He looked at the younger man seriously. "I
have an injured castaway on board who needs to be placed in touch with the
closest 3WA office for repatriation. I request immediate permission to land
at your spaceport for humanitarian purposes."
The port control officer looks surprised, and leaned off-screen. Minerva
Kei: And here, 'looks' should be past tense...
Zen-chan: <suspicious> Okay. Who are you?
Kei: <leans over and gooses Zen> Who so you *think* I am, Zen-chan?
amplified the sound, and they both heard the whisper, "Is that legal?"
Someone whispered back, "Yup. It's in the treaties." The officer turned
back to the screen.
"Please transmit your documents on the standard frequency, and enter
approach orbit Aleph-one. Co-ordinates are being sent... now." There was a
high-pitched squeal, and Minerva signaled him that she had received them.
"Thank you, officer. Co-ordinates received and locked in. Do you have
an estimate on the current wait status?"
The PO typed at a console for a second. "Are the injuries to your
passenger life threatening?"
"No. He's stable, and any further treatment can take place at his
leisure."
The officer nodded. "Excellent. You're... hmmm... seventh in the
queue, and estimated time of landing is 45 minutes. If there is nothing
further, sir?"
Yuri: This PCO sure is polite. How come we never find any that friendly?
Zen-chan: Zen is sure that Zen has no idea...
Kei: ...
He shook his head. "No, thank you, son."
"Please be ready for customs inspection upon landing. We'll contact the
3WA office and have a representative there to meet you on touchdown. Over
to homing beam, sir."
"Over to homing beam." He waved to Minerva, who closed the connection.
"We ready for an inspection, Min?"
"Not a problem, boss. They won't find anything but what we want them to
find, and I've double-checked their listing of contraband. Aside from our
technology, we don't have anything they want."
"Weapons?"
Zen-chan: Got plenty, thanks!
"Locked down, and masked with solid holograms. We'll look like an
ex-military ship converted to a civilian yacht."
Kei: The trouble is, that some governments get interested in ships that
are obvioulsy ex-military.
Yuri: Particularly when they son't match anything they've ever seen before.
It tends to make them nervous.
"Good. Then let's go see what Asim is like, love."
* * *
Ed firmly throttled the urge to fall to the ground and begin laughing
hysterically. It simply wouldn't do to be _that_ disrespectful of his
hosts. {Min, the Three Stooges could do a better customs inspection than
this!}
Yuri: Maybe... but could the ship survive it? It's ONLY a Bird of Prey,
after all...
{No argument there, boss.. this crew gives an entirely new meaning to
the phrase 'job-related incompetence'. It's a good thing Captain Solo isn't
here - he could probably smuggle the entire Death Star past these losers.}
Zen-chan: Yah, you gotta Han it to Solo...
His lips twitched upward in a faint smile. {Be nice, pretty lady...
everyone deserves a chance at employment. Even mental defectives like
these.} Hearing footsteps behind him, he stopped worrying about the
inspectors and turned to face the two men who were entering the landing bay.
"Hello!" he smiled. "I'm Captain Edwards, and you are?"
The first man extended a hand. "Ahmed Khelad, Portmaster. And this
gentleman is Hal Ustinov, the head of the local 3WA office."
Zen-chan: You know... Zen has to wonder if this fellow has any relatives
on Zarathustra...
Kei: Zarathustra?
Zen-chan: Yah, you know, the place where Zen got those Sunstones that he
gave you each for Christmas?
Yuri: <looks thoughtful> Maybe... now that you mention it, there *is* a
resemblence...
Ed shook hands all around. "A pleasure to meet you, Portmaster Khelad.
And you, Mr. Ustinov. I have someone who's rather anxious to meet you."
Khelad looked past him to the ship, then groaned. "Allah has deserted
me. It's them."
Zen-chan: If they are the inspection team, then you must get deserted
Allah time. Zen supposes that they won't do things Yahweh?
Yuri: <whaps Zen-chan> That's TWO...
"Excuse me?" asked Ed, confused.
Ahmad pointed towards the customs inspection team. "My second wife's
youngest brother, Mahmoud, and his cousins Aziz and Ismael." His face fell.
"Please tell me that they have not embarrassed me, Captain Edwards.
_Please_."
Yuri: Larry, Daryl and Daryl live...
Ed blinked a few times. "Oh. Don't feel badly, Portmaster. They've
been most polite, and as for the inspection, they've..." he paused, chewing
his lip and trying to be diplomatic in his phrasing. "They've been most..
enthusiastic about their work."
"Meaning that they at least showed up on time, and not hung over," said
Khelad dryly. He sighed. "I have a choice. I can have a peaceful, happy
Zen-chan: Of course he said it dryly... He's a tee totaler, if he's orthodox...
family, or I can fire them and return home each night to furious relatives.
What is a man to do?"
Kei: Well, if you were Japanese, seppuku would be a good option...
"You can pick your friends, you can choose your lovers.. but family
you're stuck with," noted Ustinov.
"Too true, my friend, too true." He glared at his in-laws for a moment,
then turned back. "May we, Captain?" he asked, indicating the Calypso.
"Certainly. It would be my pleasure."
* * *
"Le mauvais gout mene au crime. (Poor taste leads to crime.)"
- Anonymous French proverb.
"Round up the usual suspects."
- Casablanca.
In the Calypso's ready room, Dietrich was waiting for them. He smiled
widely. "Which one of you is the 3WA man?"
Ustinov introduced himself, and they all took a seat. Ed looked around
the table. "Drinks, anyone?"
Hal grinned. "That's hospitality. Scotch, if you have it."
"I do. Single malt, at that. And you, Mr. Khelad? Oh, wait, I forget. Do
you observe the Koran's strictures on the taking of spirits?"
Zen-chan: <rye grin> Oooh. Rum deal that. Scotch the drink then.
Yuri: <moans> ZEN!
Kei: <rolls eyes> Look, Zen, I've told you before that if you want to...
Zen-chan: Shh! The fic!
"I'm afraid I do, Captain. But isn't that coffee I smell?" Ahmad licked
his lips. "Jamaican coffee?"
Zen-chan: What *IS* it that people see in that stuff? Now if it was a
good Root Beer, or maybe a really good tea...
Ed laughed. "A fellow junkie, I see. And yes, it's Jamaican Blue
Mountain." He set a cup in front of the portmaster, who stared at it like a
Christian confronted with the Holy Grail before grabbing it and attempting
to _inhale_ it by main force.
"Allah be praised! It IS Blue Mountain!" Ahmad savored the aroma, and
sighed happily. "I can now die a happy man."
Kei: O_O This boy needs to get out more.
"I wonder if trying to bribe a Portmaster with a pound of Blue can be
considered a crime?"
Zen-chan: <nodding> By definition.
Ahmad smiled so widely, Ed thought the corners of his mouth would meet at
the back of his neck. "Yes, Captain, it would be a crime.. and would have
to be severely fined, the fine amounting to at least TWO pounds of Blue
Mountain." They all laughed.
"Down to business, I suppose. Mr. Ustinov.."
"Just Hal, if you please."
"Hal, then. I found Richard here floating, wounded and unconscious, in a
debris field off the planet Dolz. From the looks of it, he'd been left for
dead. In point of fact, he pretty much _was_ dead. Damned good thing I
arrived there when I did." Ed paused, and took a sip of scotch.
Zen-chan: <Spock Voice> Yes, Random chance would seem to have acted in his
favour...
"While he's been quite circumspect about what happened, I have learned
that he was involved with a 3WA trouble consultant team who were trying to
rescue his daughter, grand-daughter and son-in-law. Rescue them from who,
Kei: 'rescue them from 'whom' - and wouldn't you like to know!
Yuri: Now, Kei, be nice...
and WHY they needed to be rescued, he wouldn't say, and I didn't push. I
can recognize the 'classified, need-to-know' conditioned-reflex, Hal. He
wasn't eager to return to Dolz, and seemed equally uneasy with the thought
of traveling to either Dubahl or Zahl, so I assumed those worlds had
something to do with whatever happened."
Zen-chan: Well, that's Zahl, folks!
Yuri: ...
He shrugged slightly. "So.. Asim was the next closest world with a 3WA
field office, and I brought him here. Hopefully, you can reunite him with
his family, and I can move on."
"Move on? Why?" The 3WA agent was confused. "Don't you realize there
will likey be a reward? And even if there isn't, I'm certain his family
will want to meet the man who saved his life."
Zen-chan: Who *was* that masked man?
Dietrich nodded his agreement. "I still don't understand that myself,
Anthony."
"Dick, I wander for a good reason. What that reason is, is something
personal." He laughed. "I know that sounds like something out of a
paticularly bad melodrama, but it's the truth in my case. Besides.. I
rescued you because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted a
reward."
Yuri: <Wilford Brimley Voice> The right thing to do, and the right way to
do it... **hack** *cough* That *hurts*...
Dietrich looked uncertain, but didn't press. "If that's the way you
truly want it..."
"It is. And before I forget.." He reached into a shirt pocket and
extracted a sheaf of currency notes. "You're likely going to need a little
walking around money on the way home, so here."
Kei: <Disgruntled> If this Ustinov character were *real* 3WA, he'd have
arrested this guy by now... He's just a little too noble to be true.
Yuri: Now Kei... not without someone paying for it. YOu *know* 3WA policy...
Kei: ... Well, he'd at *laest* better report this to the CC...
Dietrich looked at the wad of money, surprised. "But that's.. that's.."
"That's money, Dick. Nothing more, nothing less. Useless by itself.
What can you do with it? Eat it? Patch your roof with it? Nope. Money is
only useful when you can use it to help someone." Ed laughed again. "And
don't think you're bankrupting me. Look around you. I _own_ this ship,
free and clear. I could give you ten times this amount out of petty cash
and not even notice it."
Zen-chan: Poor bastard. ^_^
Kei: And what would *you* do with money, Zen-chan?
Zen-chan: Well... Go to Animazement, likely...
Dietrich shrugged, and accepted the money. "I don't know what to say
except for 'Thank you'."
"That'll do it." He turned back to Ustinov. "You can take care of this
>from here, I hope."
Kei: You might wanna clarify this, Ed-san... the "He" in this sentence
obviously refers to Ed, but grammatically, it refers to Deitrich. Replace
it with "Ed" and it should be okay.
Zen-chan: You know... it still seems odd when you do that...
Kei: <sniffing> What? It surprises you that I know good grammar?
Zen-chan: Well... yes.
Kei: <growling> Just you wait. You're gonna be IN for it tonight,
Zen*chan*...
Hal signaled his agreement. "I'll contact the home office, and we'll
have him with his family inside of three weeks. Right now, they're in
protective custody. They've made some enemies."
Yuri: <nodding> Yes. Blowing up major military installations will do that.
Ed grinned. "I'd guessed that might be the case, from the destruction of
whatever-it-was where I found him. Someone got a little careless with the
megaweapons, I'd say."
Kei: <hotly> It wasn't US! It **wasn't** US!
Ustinov thought of the Lovely Angels, and smiled. "I can't comment on
that. But I won't deny it, either." He stood and bowed. "With your
permission, Captain?"
Yuri: Ustinov. Remind me to look up his dossier later. He needs to learn
a few manners.
Zen-chan: ... Well, at least he used the right code-name.
Yuri: True. I suppose we'll have to spare his life then...
He escorted them to the gangplank and waved goodbye. "Take care, Dick.
And _try_ to avoid getting shot up again.. it's rather hard on your
insurance premiums." He smiled as a taxi picked them up, and turned to
re-enter the ship when a loud klaxon went off.
Zen-chan: As opposed to a _quiet_ klaxon? ^_^
Yuri: <waps Zen-chan>
Kei: Again, though, Ed is starting a paragraph with an indefinite pronoun
- there's no proper antecedent. These paragraphs ought to start with "Ed"
or some variation that makes it clearer who the "He" is...
"BOSS! Your cabin, now!"
He took off at a dead run, followed closely by Khelad. Reaching his
cabin, he was greeted by the sight of the three customs inspectors cringing
away from Minerva and a collection of her scutter-bots. The 'bots were all
carrying shock-prods or pain-sticks and were waving them menacingly at the
three.
Zen-chan: "...at the trio." would probably flow better - you said 'three'
earlier...
Kei: So who are you then? The *real* Zen wouldn't say anything about
grammar...
Zen-chan: Hey, if you can do it, so can Zen!
Kei: And just what's that supposed to mean?
Zen-chan: <alarmed> Nothing, really! Just that Zen can do it if you can!
Kei: <jabbing Zen-chan with forefinger> Oh yeah? Anything you can do, I
can do better!
Zen-chan: <grinning> Zen can do anything better than you!
Kei: <smirking> Anything?
Zen-chan: <uncertain> Anything!
Kei: Oh yeah? Prove it! <Whispers in Zen-chan's ear>
Zen-chan: <pales> Maaaaa....
Kei: My quarters, at 0200. And DON'T be late.
Zen-chan: ...
"Just what in the name of Steven Hawkings' wheelchair is going ON HERE?!"
he shouted.
The three spotted Khelad, puffing and wheezing behind him and fell to
their knees, babbling something about being rescued from crazed women and
godless infidels and asseting their complete and utter innocence of
everything. The portmaster just swore bitterly.
Yuri: Asseting? Woss'at mean then?
Zen-chan: ...
"Captain, would you let them up for a moment? I think I know what's
occured."
Ed nodded, confused, and waved the scutters back a foot or two. The
three men sighed in relief - a relief that was short-lived. Because the
portmaster stepped forward and pointed a finger at the chest of the leader.
"Take off your jacket, Mahmoud. Now."
Zen-chan: <perking up> Ahh HA!
Yuri: ...
Mahmoud, who had been smiling, suddenly looked fearful. "But _brother_!"
"Don't 'brother' me, Mahmoud. I said take it off. And turn out your
pockets."
Zen-chan: <nodding happily>
Kei: <nervous> Uh oh... Here it comes....
The younger man did so slowly, and a small pile of coins and other easily
hidden items from Ed's desk were stacked atop the deck. Khelad picked up
the jacket and shook it. A PADD fell from it to the floor. Ahmad's face
twitched dangerously. "Am I to assume that this man's assistant planted all
these items on you in order to frame you?"
Zen-chan: Ayup! He definitely reads Doctor Seuss.
Yuri: <looking blank> Dr. Seuss? What makes you say that?
Kei: Yuri no baka!
Zen-chan: <innocently - points at screen> Didn't you see it? From The
Lorax...
Yuri: <confued> See what?
Zen-chan: The jacket! It's a Marmoud Loot Suit!
Kei: <head in hands> Zen... Zen... That was reaching... even for you...
Yuri: <looks blank for a moment before understanding dawns> ZEN!!
"yesyesyes that's what happened it's all a trap they're trying to frame
us so they can smuggle things into Asim you're so brilliant to see it my
brother we must arrest him and confiscate the ship and see that the woman
marries a suitable young..." the leader of the three babbled gratefully.
"QUIET!" roared Khelad. "Do you take me for as much an idiot as the one
you see in the mirror each morning?! You were trying to steal from this
man, and when you were caught, you tried to blame this lovely young woman!
I. Have. Had. Enough. Of. You. Three!"
Zen-chan: <Shatner Voice> Not. A bad. Attempt! But... you forgot! the
<boot to the head> Tai Kwon Leep!
Ed stepped forward then. "Calmly, Ahmad. I think I can resolve this.
Your people abid by the law of the Koran, yes?"
Yuri: They only abid at auctions... <looks shocked> Did... did *I* say that?
Zen-chan: <smirking> You did.
Kei: <groans>
The portmaster nodded.
"I've always had respect for that.. the criminal code of the Koran is
most stern, and _quite_ effective. And I'm certain these three will be MOST
interested to know that ALL of the cabins and holds of the Calypso are
monitored on a continuous basis. In short..." he grinned coldly, "Surprise,
surprise, boys.. you're on Candid Camera." His grin widened into a
shark-like smile. "I believe the imams will find those recordings quite
informative. And you should be able to relearn how to get by with only one
hand quickly enough. That _is_ the traditional penalty for a thief, isn't
it, Ahmad? The _removal_ of the hand he did the thieving with?"
Zen-chan: Allah help them if they're ambidextrous...
The three blanched and began to shiver in fright. Khelad calmed down,
and nodded towards Edward. "You do know something of the Koran, I see." He
looked back towards his quivering relatives. "Do you wish to press
charges?"
"Ohhh.... I dunno. I expect that if they were to resign their positions
in the customs service, effective _immediately_ and agree to NEVER take a
goverment job again, I could probably find it in my heart to forget about
this little peccadilo of theirs."
Yuri: Wow... by now, the portmaster would LET Ed bring in the Death Star...
Mahmoud fell to his knees and began to cry huge crocodile tears, as did
his two accomplices. "Save us, brother, you mustn't let this infidel do
this to us.."
"Shut. Up." hissed the angry portmaster. "If I had my way, the imam
wouldn't cut off your hands, he'd remove your empty _heads_. Either way,
it'd be small loss. The ONLY reason I'm taking Captain Edwards up on his
offer is because I don't want Sadira weeping and moaning about this."
Zen-chan: Ahh, she'd get over it.
Ed nodded. "I've learned over the years that the quickest road to
domestic hell is by _winning_ an argument with your wife." He turned to
Zen-chan: You *said* it, brother. You would not *believe*... Errr... oops...
Kei & Yuri: <glaring at Zen-chan>
Yuri: Oh, you are *in* for it.
Minerva. "Min? Let's make a nice set of recordings for Ahmad. Several
copies, in fact. I suspect that his in-laws here will be a lot easier for
him to handle if he has something he can hang over their head."
Yuri: Teo things... first, for the first bit of the story the portmaster's
name was "AhmEd" and now it's "AhmAd"... second, it should be their
HEADS... plural posessive needs plural object...
Zen-chan & Kei: ....
Yuri: <defencive> Well, if you two can do it, so can I!
"I'm on it, b'wana."
Khelad raised an eyebrow. "You have a nasty sense of humor, my friend.
I like that." He grinned. "Allah willing, these idiots won't get into much
more trouble. They won't want to take the chance on Sadira discovering the
truth about them and throwing them out on their thieving rumps. Thank you."
Then he kicked his brother in the afformentioned rump. "Strip. All three
of you."
Zen-chan: Why, oh why can't thieving customs inspectors ever be cute girls?
Kei: What, you wanna watch cute girls strip?
Zen-chan: Well... that's not *exactly* what Zen meant...
Yuri: What then? Because if that's all, well, we can certainly arrange it.
<grins evilly> Or else there's always the mirror...
Zen-chan: ...
"WHAT?!"
"I said strip. I trust you fools about as far as I can throw you."
A few moments later, Mahmoud, Aziz and Ismael had stripped to their
underwear, and a truly amazing pile of small pilfered items rested on the
deckplates next to their clothing. Ed shook his head in awe.
"I'll give them this much, Ahmed... they may not have much in the way of
brains, but DAMN me, they got sticky fingers."
Kei: And you do NOT want to know how they got that way.
Zen-chan: Thank-you ever so much for that mental picture.
Kei: <baps Zen-chan> Hentai!
Zen-chan: Yo, pot?
Khelad sighed again. "They always have. May I take them with me now? I
will send an _honest_ customs team to inspect the ship tomorrow."
Zen-chan: He'll sens a WHAT? IS there such a thing?
Yuri: You *are* in a cynical mood, aren't you?
Zen-chan: Well... yes.
"Fine by me." He turned slightly, and held out a hand to Minerva, who
placed a small package in it. "For your troubles, Ahmed. 500 grams of
Jamaican Blue. Try to relax, and drink it in good health."
Zen-chan: First it was SAE and now it's metric... <sighs>
***********************************
"To deny the possibility, nay, the actual existance of witchcraft and
sorcery is flatly to contradict the revealed word of God."
- William Blackstone, 'Commentaries on the Laws of England'
Kei: <incredulous> He's quoting a LAWYER?
Zen-chan: Not A lawyer... THE lawyer.
Francis Goulet stared at the little pink bottle sitting on his desk. All
the advances in science over the past centuries, and the only cure they
could find for his stomache was Pepto Bismol(tm).
Zen-chan: Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Poor bastard.
"There _is_ a Supreme Being. One who hates me," sighed Goulet. "And
it's name is the Central Computer." He took a long swallow of the pink
fluid, and picked up the file. Wincing, he laid it down again, and touched
the intercom, summoning his secretary.
Zen-chan: has anyone ever suggested that he see someone about that
persecution complex?
Yuri: He's not so bad. He's just under a lot of pressure.
"Send the Lovely Angels up here right away, Jonathan. There's another
mission for them."
Zen-chan: <dryly> Popular, aren't you?
Kei: <grinning> Yah, but the overtime pay is great!
"Sir? I'm afraid they're unavailable at the moment. They're busy with
the training program. They're training that new recruit... the _odd_ one."
Zen-chan: The... _ODD_ one...?
Yuri: Ara... you don't suppose...
Kei: <nodding> Who else *could* it be?
"oh." He closed his eyes. "Did they _ever_ manage to break her.. err..
him.. ahh.. oh, hell.. did they ever manage to get the cadet to stop
refering to itself in the third person?"
Zen-chan: Hey! Zen is not that bad! Really! err...
Kei & Yuri: <snort>
"They're still trying, sir."
Zen-chan: Oh yes. They are that. <winces as Kei puts an arm around her neck>
Kei: What was that, Zen-*chan*?
Zen-chan: *urk*
Goulet rubbed his tired eyes, and thought longingly of the soft bed he
wasn't going to get to use unless he could solve this. "Tell them to get
right up here.. and bring the cadet along. She might as well get some more
real life experience. And if worst comes to worst, we'll provide her with a
nice funeral."
Zen-chan: Well, you're right. He is a pretty nice guy at that, and... HEY!
Jonathan turned and left to fetch the Lovely Angels, while Goulet folded
his arms on the desk and pillowed his head on them. "Magic," he muttered.
"I _hate_ magic."
Zen-chan: YOU hate magic? <shrugs> Well, it *could* have been worse.
Kei & Yuri: ....
Zen-chan: <nervous> It... ahhh... could have been a LOT worse...
Kei & Yuri: ....
Zen-chan: Actually, when you think about it, Zen has it pretty good...
Kei & Yuri: ....
Zen-chan <sweatdrops> <smallvoice> Just about perfect, really...
Kei: 0200, Zen. You can make up for your little faux pas then.
* * *
Kei, Yuri, and the only recruit of theirs that had survived their
training stood before Goulet's desk. Goulet looked at them levelly.
"For reasons unknown, the Central Computer has seen fit to assign an
extra, temporary member to the Trouble Consultant team, 'Lovely Angels'.
I'm well aware that you will find this uncomfortable, but those are your
orders." He rattled the papers in his hands. "As you recall, Richard
Dietrich, the person who alerted us to the whole Flight 005 affair was
thought to be dead. Much to my surprise, having read your report, he
recently turned up on the planet Asim, alive and well."
Zen-chan: <monotone> He has been Asim-alated...
"But that's IMPOSSIBLE!" Kei burst out. "We _saw_ him die."
"Actually, you saw him shot, and drift away into deep space. He was
accidently found by a private craft that entered the area just as you were
leaving in your ship. The captain of the yatch," Goulet checked the papers,
" _Calypso_, picked him up and treated his injuries. Dietrich was then
dropped off at the 3WA field office on Asim. The station chief there, Hal
Ustinov, alerted us immediately."
Yuri: Good to see that. Ustinov is using his brains.
"So, what does that have to do with US, sir?" asked Yuri curiously.
"The Central Computer has determined that the owner of this ship is
currently traveling under false ID. Further checking has shown that
not only were Dietrich's injuries treated, he's in MUCH better shape than he
was before this entire event took place. Yet no signs of nanite repairs or
genetic surgery were found. He's simply two decades younger, internally.
While the CC has not seen fit to inform me as to how it has reached it's
conclusions, it HAS concluded that the owner of this yatch possesses
technology that could prove _extremely_ dangerous in the hands of nayone
other than the United Galactica and the 3WA."
Yuri: Ahh. Well, one does have to keep up with the times.
Kei smacked a fist into her hand, grinning widely. "And we're to
'persuade' him to come along willingly. I *like* it."
Goulet raised a hand. "Not so fast. There are some _restrictions_, Kei.
First.. you retrieve the captain alive and _unhurt_. That is of paramount
importance, as the CC insists that we must have his _willing_ cooperation.
Second.. the ship must be UNDAMAGED! The Calypso _must_ be taken intact, no
matter the cost. That part of your orders is inviolable. Third, you are to
attempt to avoid offending.." he looked down at the file again, "Captain
Edwards. I don't care HOW much it hurts, you will treat him with all
respect. The CC wants him in a friendly mood towards us."
"Great," muttered Kei. "Take all the fun out of it, why don'cha."
Kei: Hey! I'm not THAT violent natured! I'm not!
Zen-chan & Yuri: ....
Kei: I'm NOT! Dammit, you take that back or I'll *pound* you!
Zen-chan & Yuri: ....
"That will be quite enough of that out of you, Agent Kei. This is a
mission, NOT an excuse for you to shoot everything in sight."
Zen-chan: *whew*
Kei: <waps Zen-chan>
Kei grumbled something under her breath, and Goulet speared her with a
sharp glance. "I'm old, not deaf. You have your orders." He nodded at the
third trouble consultant, standing quietly behind them. "And you'll be
taking her with you. The CC insists that she'll be needed."
Zen-chan: That bloody machine never does *really* tell anyone anything,
does it?
Yuri: Just what it thinks they need to know.
Zen-chan: <grumbles>
The Lovely Angels both nodded. "No argument there. She's the only cadet
we've
trained that's survived." Yuri turned around and offered her hand. "It's
nice to have you back with us, Zen-chan."
Kei: TOLD ya! <grins at Zen-chan> This is gonna be fun!
Zen-chan: Well, it won't be dull, that's for sure!
Kei: Of course it wonlt be dull. You'll be with us!
Yuri: Nice job, Ed. You handled your intros well, and you have Goulet
perfectly in character. <whispers> And Kei too!
Kei: I heard that!
Yuri: Well, it's true!
Kei: ...
Zen-chan: <nervously makes for the door>
Kei: Why I oughtta...
Yuri: Oughtta what?
Kei: <notices that Zen has all but escaped> oughtta catch Zen before she
gets away again!
Zen-chan bolts in terror, and Yuri & Kei take off after her.
Zen-chan: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Zen no Itan-sha
(who will be back - if s/he survives...)