"David A. Tatum" <desaix@sysnet.net> wrote:

Akane got out of her clothes and took a brief shower.  She rifled through
her pack and pulled out her nightgown, putting it on before brushing her
teeth.  After putting her toothbrush away, she started combing her hair. 
Then she blinked.  'I really shouldn't be wearing this nightgown tonight...
I mean, Ranma might get the wrong idea...'  She pulled searched through her

Take out "pulled".

Meanwhile, Ranma was taking a shower just as brief as Akane had.  The
difference with his, however, was that he was taking a cold one.  Turning
the water hot to change back just before getting out, Ranma still tried to
get the image of her standing in that bathroom doorway out of his face. 
Absentmindedly, he put on a fresh pair of boxers and a muscle shirt before
brushing his teeth.  Putting the last of the toiletries away, Ranma turned
to enter the bathroom door.

*WHAM!* "Ow!! I guess it woulda been a better idea to go through the
doorway!" :-)

A double sized futon wasn't really equipped to handle that kind of
arrangement comfortably, however.  For one thing, each was particularly
aware of the other's extreme closeness- they were almost touching through
the sheets.  For another, they were both rather cramped.

But the futon wasn't the sole cause of their discomfort.  Their thoughts
were torturing themselves as well.

Akane was worried about Ranma.

These paragraphs sort of summarize what's happening in a general sort of
way. I think it would be more effective to describe specifically what
was happening, what it felt like to Ranma and Akane.

In his ear, he heard whispered "That's a good P-Chan..."  Ranma's eyes
widened in terror as he realized he was being crushed by the arms of the
woman he was in bed with with a force that would have put anything Shampoo
had ever held him with to shame.  Akane had obviously grabbed ahold of him
the same way she usually did her pet pig P-Chan, and was now squeezing hard
enough to make it impossible for Ranma to breath.  The sheet was still

breathe

"R... ranma... wh'... 'rn... 'u... 'ldn' m... ba..."  Ranma thought about
that for a second.  'Did she just say Ranma, why aren't you holding me
back?'  He turned his head to look at her face.  It looked mildly
distressed... pleading, in fact... but she was definately still asleep. 

definitely

feelings for them...  The others, like Kaori, I care nothing for and
sometime feel like killing my pop for arranging.  Fortunately, all of those
in the second category we've taken care of, but my friends..."  He sighed. 

What about Kodachi? OHOHOHOHO!!!

Ranma jumped in with a flying kick, knocking the bucket of water across the
room and spilling its contents on the floor harmlessly.  Ranma spun around
on his front foot and sent the other foot into Happosai's chest, knocking
HIM across the room.  Happosai got up and started moving in along with
Happosai.

But what about Happosai? (Think there's a typo here.)

Akane got into position, and so Ranma took his cue.  He flipped over his
opponents and behind Akane.  The two shrunken fighters charged at him,
ignoring Akane just as Ranma thought they would.  "NOW!"  Ranma shouted,
and Akane struck out.  Lukkosai went flying- Akane's blow sent him flying
through his roof and into the clouds, never to be seen by Ranma or Akane
again.  Happosai, however, was able to react quicker to the surprise
attack, and dodged Akane's blow.  Instinctually, he pulled out his pipe and

I think the word is "instinctively".

Akane blinked and followed Ranma out of Happosai's dojo.  She was dimly
aware of the fact that they had made progress in her search, but she was
much more concerned with something else.  'He used the Shi-shi Hokodan...
but that's an attack based on depression... Ranma hasn't used it since he
developed the Moko Takabishi... I don't understand, what's gotten him so
depressed?  I would have thought that finally admitting he loved me would
be a good relief for him... what is wrong with him?'

Akane's not the only one who doesn't understand that. You better have a
good explanation for us readers, 'cause Ranma didn't seem depressed when
you were writing from his POV. Personally, my guess would be that he
SAID shishi hokodan but DID a moko takabisha in order to confuse
Happosai. :)

Overall, I liked it. I usually don't want to see scenes with Ranma and
Akane confessing their love once and for all, because that eliminates a
lot of the dramatic tension in their relationship. But you seem to have
managed to hang onto at least some of that here.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics