FROM ETERNAL LOST LURKER: The following
is a bit of an editorialistic rantfic regarding that piece of undiluted
manure USA Today had the audacity to call an article regarding the
Pokemon incident. Being me, I decided that in addition to the letter
I've already sent to the editors of USA Today, I'd also write up a
little spamfic about the incident...
FROM RENA/MAIGREY: I combined the three different stories into one.
Enjoy!
*****
PART 1: The Intelligent Plan
In a small, out-of-the-way...okay okay, so you couldn't miss it from
orbit with a tac-nuke, and it was standing practically in the middle of
Tokyo...anyway, in this one cafe, several of the fine minds of the
anime community gathered.
"Hey! Who ate my ice cream?" Skuld, the pre-teen goddess, whined as she
discovered the absence of her chocolate fudge delight. "Don't look at
me," said Yuuki Miaka, wiping her suspiciously fudgy-mouth with a
napkin. Beside her, Tsukino Usagi was committing the same cover-up
action. Skuld huffed, and reached for her mallet, but was suddenly
knocked off her feet by a rampaging, tiny yellow demon...okay, so it
was Hinako-sensei. In either case, the superdeformed teacher was
obviously upset.
Saotome Ranma and Hibiki Ryouga looked up from the couch where they
were watching a re-run of Dragonball GT. "What's wrong, teach?" Ranma
asked. Hinako held up a copy of USA Today, shaking it angrily.
"There's an article in here....ooohhhhh, it makes me so MAD! If I could
get a hold of the two guys who wrote this..." Tendou Nabiki lazily
snatched the paper from Hinako's chibi-hands, and scanned over the
article. Her eyes widened in disbelief, then narrowed in anger. "Well,"
she smirked. "I never thought I'd see it. Whoever wrote this is even
dumber than Kunou-chan."
"What's it say, Nabiki?" Ranma asked. The entire group focused their
attention on Nabiki as she quickly summarized the English article in
Japanese so the assembled group could understand it. By the time she
finished, everyone in the room was shuddering in anger.
"Those...those...ASSHOLES!" Ryouga bellowed, reaching for his
umbrella.
"We gotta find those guys and make 'em regret writing that," Ranma
said.
"Guys, guys," Nabiki chided. "There *are* more civilized ways of
dealing with this." She smirked. "What we do is simple: we should write
a counter-article about the harmful effects of watching American
anime."
The group mulled this over, and decided it sounded reasonable.
"Skuld-chan," Nabiki said, "can you rig up a satellite so that we can
pick up some American shows?"
The young goddess grinned. "Even better! I can rig my instant
translation system into it, so that it's subtitled into Japanese as we
watch!"
Nabiki smiled. "Perfect."
Hinako-sensei busied herself at the computer in the corner. After a few
moments, she shuffled over to Nabiki with a thin stack of printouts. "I
found the American TV Guide site, and printed out some program
schedules." Nabiki nodded.
Less than an hour later, the entire group was gathered in front of the
large-screen television. Nabiki clicked the set on, and after a moment,
"Beavis and Butthead" appeared on the screen.
--2 hours later--
"Heeeeeyyyyy.....that's Mach Go Go Go," Ranma commented.
Ryouga blinked. "Sure is," he said.
Nabiki scanned the program listing. "Hmmm....it's listed here as 'Speed
Racer'," she said, blinking. "Didn't that Lazzo person claim his
network doesn't show any anime?"
--4 hours later--
"Okay, so we've seen some show about a fartin' cow...two guys without
brains...some other crap I couldn't recognize...Mach Go Go...a bunch of
stuff with canned laughter...what else?"
Hinako frowned. "I've heard that a show called 'Gargoyles' is supposed
to be good," she said. "Different from other stuff they show."
Miaka shrugged. "The guys that wrote that article didn't bother to get
the other side of the story. Why should we?"
"Good point," Skuld agreed. "We've watched 4 hours of American anime.
We're experts now, aren't we?"
Nabiki grinned. "Alright, time to start writing that article..."
--a short while later--
"Done...sent to the Usenet newsgroups, in both Japanese and English,"
Nabiki said, handing copies of the article to the rest of the group.
They read it over and nodded in agreement...
JAPANESE KIDS SAFE FROM BRAIN DAMAGE
Parents need not worry. Japanese kids are not likely to suffer brain
damage caused by watching American anime.
All children who watch American anime apparently suffer brain damage
from watching the shows, all of which seem to be geared at lowering the
general intelligence level of the viewing audience, and crippling their
minds in such a way that they actually find the shows enjoyable.
Of course, that type of mindless anime never appears on Japanese
television.
TV Tokyo and other Japanese television broadcasters do not air the
blatantly stupid American anime known as "cartoons".
"American animation is so different from what airs here," claims a
source at TV Tokyo who does not wish to be named. "It's geared towards
two-year-old children, mental retards, and teenagers who were too
stupid to make it into high school. As far as we know, they don't have
storylines at all, just blatant acts of stupidity."
TV Tokyo and other Japanese stations reportedly air some anime that
was originally created for American audiences, but deny that it has
anything to do with these so-called "cartoons".
-written by Tendou Nabiki and Ninomiya Hinako
--------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 2: Action Oriented?
::meanwhile, in a large city to the north....::
Bulma slammed the paper flat on the breakfast table. "This...this is
absolute RUBBISH!" she shouted.
"Hmm?" Vegeta picked up the paper and smirked. "So? You humans are
always carrying on about something. Why is this any different?"
"Oi... Pappa..." Trunks thumped the paper lightly. "WE'RE one of those
so-called 'very action-oriented' anime. Remember the fight with Majin
Buu?"
"Yeah!" Son Gokou wandered in and leaned on the table. "You remember,
Vegeta! How many episodes we spend as a coffee candy? --Anou, that
looks good...that breakfast...you gonna finish that?"
"Baka na," growled Vegeta. "Hmph. Well, there's nothing much they can
do to us now that the series is over, but I suppose they do need to be
reminded who their betters are." Walking to the window, he opened it,
summoned his ki, and raised a hand. "BIG BANG ATTACK!"
< headline in the New York Times >
OFFICE OF USA TODAY LEVELED BY MYSTERIOUS AERIAL ASSAULT
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 3: Never Enough Firepower...
"Yo, Hiiro, get a load of this!" Duo Maxwell, teenaged pilot of the
dreaded Gundam DeathScythe, called over his shoulder to his silent,
brooding friend.
"What is it now?" the handsome pilot of the Gundam Wing growled around
a mouthful of sandwich. Duo thrust the news article from USA Today into
Hiiro's hands, a disgusted look on his face. Hiiro proceeded to scan
the article, and when he was finished, he quietly set the paper down on
the table, his sandwich forgotten, his eyes narrowed in thought.
Just then, Quatre Rabera Winner and Trowa Barton, pilots of the
power-packed leviathans Sandrock and Heavyarms, strolled in from a walk
outside. The empathic, blonde-haired boy took one look at Hiiro and
Duo, and instantly knew trouble was afoot. "What is it?" he asked, his
soft voice unusually low in the hushed room. His gaze moved from one
boy to the other.
Duo kicked a chair, venting his anger.
"Read it," he pointed to the forgotten newspaper, turning his back on
the group and folding his arms. Quatre and Trowa exchanged a glance,
and then Trowa picked up the article and read. As he did so, the
green-eyed boy's face lost its newly-found smile.
When he was finished, he began swearing under his breath.
Quatre, who had been reading over his friend's shoulder, turned pale.
"They can't be serious," he commented.
"Oh, they're serious, alright," Duo said, going to the window and
looking out at the outside world.
"So, what do we do about it?" Trowa asked, calm once more.
"Do about what?" a new voice came from behind them. Everyone looked
over to see Wu Fei practically glide into the room. The small, Chinese
warrior stopped dead in his tracks upon seeing his comrades'
countenances.
"Here," Quatre sighed, taking the paper from Trowa and handing it to Wu
Fei. "Just read it."
When Wu Fei was finished, he began a long string of curses in his
native language. Trowa just nodded. "That's what I said."
"So, what do we do about it?" the indignent Wu Fei demanded, throwing
the paper at his feet and stomping on it. The boys, minus Hiiro, began
a debate about the situation, with the typical scenario ending in them
stomping over in their Gundams and pulverizing the writers and their
company.
Silently, Hiiro stood up, and all talk suddenly ended. He walked
towards the phone, picked it up and began dialing a number.
"Hey, Hiiro," Duo called out, "who ya calling?"
Hiiro did not respond.
The others shrugged their shoulders, also confused. If Hiiro chose to,
they knew, he could keep a secret until his dying day, and wringing it
out of him wasn't likely, so there was only one other option available
- eavesdropping. The four of them leaned a good ear towards the
conversation, trying to look inconspicuous all the while.
"Hello," Hiiro said into the receiver when someone on the other end
picked up. "This is Hiiro Yui, of Project GWing. Put me into contact
with Misato Katsuragi of Project Eva. It's a Code Alpha emergency." He
waited several seconds, and finally a female's droning voice could
clearly be heard coming from the other side of the receiver, loud in
the silent room.
"Hiiro, is that you?" Misato asked excitedly.
"Yea, it's me," Hiiro responded, his normally dead-ended voice harsh.
"I need you and the Evas to help me out tonight. Care to go on a little
stomp-and-chew mission?"
There was an excited yelp from the other side. "Care to?!? We'd LOVE
to!!! It's been sooooo long since we've had even a little bit of fun.
Everything's _way_ too serious over here in T-3. Besides, we could all
use a vacation, and Asuka's been asking about you lately..."
Hiiro visibly blanched and coughed. "Ahem...good," he said, an ominous
quality restored to his voice. "I'll clear it with the Earth
government, so plan on you and the others meeting me at the San
Francisco-headquartered building for USA Today at twenty-three hundred
hours tomorrow night."
"Roger that - twenty-three hundred hours!" Misato called back. "Oh, and
Hiiro...."
Hiiro who was about to hang up, put the receiver back to his ear.
"Yea?"
"Good to be working with you again. Ta-ta for now!" There was a click
as the phone went dead. Hiiro hung up.
The others pounced upon him.
Hiiro waited until they had exhausted their questions, and then
silently turned his back on them and headed for the exit. As he reached
the doorway, he stopped and turned his face towards them. "If you don't
want to miss the fun, you'll be there at twenty-three hundred hours
tomorrow," was all he said, and walked out. The others blinked,
thoroughly confused.
As one, however, they became enlightened.
"He wouldn't...!"
"I think he just did."
"But...but...we're teaming up with them?! They destroyed Tokyo for jeez
sakes!"
"It's not like it was all their fault, Duo."
"Nataku and I will blaze the way for you. It is a good day to die."
"Oh, cut the doomed-hero crap, Wu Fei. That really gets on my nerves!"
"Feh! You're just sore because I kicked your ass in Majong."
"You did not!"
"He did, Duo. I was there, remember?"
"Shut up, Quatre! You're always on _his_ side anyway..."
The four boys, arguing as they left the tiny apartment, failed to see
the multitude of eavesdropping spies outside their window. Quietly, the
large group climbed out of the three-storied tree, heading for the
ground.
"It's actually a very sound plan, if you think about it," Mamoru
Kusanagi was the first to speak, his cat-like eyes glinting in the
mid-morning light. "With their combined firepower they should be able
to blow USA Today into next week."
"Don't you mean the next dimension?" Piccolo the Demon King and
Tenshinhan commented off-handedly. The two looked wearily at each
other.
"Jinx!" Akemi, clad only in her slingky negligee, announced. She flung
her arms around both 'men' and swung drunkenly between their bulky
shoulders. "Now you two owe me a beer!"
Everyone gawked.
Junta, The MegaPlayboy, and Ryoga Hibiki both passed out with a pair of
identical nose-bleeds.
"Yea, well at least their plan is _much_ better than the one that the
stupid TAC came up with to finally stop the Aragami," Momiji Fujimiya
said, getting back to the original conversation. She clung to
Kusanagi's arm like a love-sick leech. "Human sacrifice is
so...whatever."
Everyone nodded, except for Seishirou Sakurazuka, who merely smirked in
amusement.
"Seiya, Pai's hungry!" a small, three-eyed girl cried out, clinging
onto her new protector's arm. Sailor StarFighter managed to blush
nicely, despite her/his huge embarrassment.
"She reminds me of Miaka," Amiboshi commented.
Everyone shivered.
"She reminds me of Lina," Gourry Gabriev corrected.
Everyone shuddered.
"She reminds me of...me," Mereru said, meowing cutely and curling up on
Kusanagi's other arm, purring. Momiji bonked her on the head with Pai's
staff. "Go find your own man," the Kushinada growled, snarling as if
possessed by a Blue Seed. Big tears formed in the cat-girl's eyes.
"I _had_ my own man - until that Plain-Jane Hitomi showed up!" she
wailed at the top of her lungs. "What's she got that I don't
got...other than a personality, that is!?" Tears gushed from her eyes
in rivers, showering everyone in their passing. Several seconds later,
something shiny and dangly caught Mereru's eyes, and she was instantly
curled up in Tasuki's lap, face-up, pawing at his earrings playfully.
Tasuki smiled deliriously. "I finally get the girl!" he whooped for
joy.
Everyone shook their heads in resignation.
All was quiet for several seconds until...
"Puu-PUU!" came a shout from behind, and as one, the group turned to
see a Gozilla-sized, white bunny marching towards the USA Today
building, its marshmellowy face angered, the red gem in the middle of
its head glowing brightly.
"Oh my," Kasumi Tendo and Galaxy Police Officer Mihoshi murmured at the
same time.
"There goes the neighborhood, na no daaa" Chichiri said with a sigh. He
ducked under his hat, and disappeared from view.
"Now THAT'S good firepower!" Ryoko commented, grinning evilly, hands on
her hips.
Too stunned to reply, everyone else just nodded.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TO BE CONTINUED...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1 written by: The Eternal Lost Lurker
<EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net>
Part 2 written by: MiraiBulma <MiraiBulma@aol.com>
Part 3 written by: Rena/Maigrey <jmondazzi@mail.arc.nsaa.gov>