Subject: RE: [FFML] [Ranma][TIL/TBE] Goddess of My Harmful Deeds
From: rbarnes@moscow.com (Bob Barnes)
Date: 12/19/1997, 11:59 AM
To:
CC: fanfic@fanfic.com

Richard,

Wow!  Yet another page downer! (Like a page turner except it's electronic so
you tap the page down key and keep tapping and tapping even though you are
almost late for work and need to do other things, and yet you still keep
tapping and tapping the page down key til you get to the end of the story!
*pant* *pant*  See what I mean?) 

You know, a science fiction writer I know once talked about what he called
"the willing suspension of disbelief."  This is something the reader of a
science fiction or fantasy story must do in order to enjoy it or even finish
reading it.  It's the writer's job to help the reader do this.  You're
damned good at it, Richard.  Maybe too good. ;-)  After reading your TIL/TOP
crossover (another page downer, BTW.  I _was_ a bit late for work from that
one.) I got into the characters so much that I kept expecting Ranma to do
something like: *Snap fingers* "I've got it! Akane is experiencing the same
thing I did a couple of months ago!"  I had to take myself by the hand and
carefully explain to myself, "Bob.  Get a grip.  This is a _different_
story.  This version of Ranma has never met Kentaro." 

A bit of (I hope) constructive crit.  This part of the story:

"Akane appears to be describing a mental illness of some
sort."  Tofu's gentle voice came from the foot of the 
bed.  "Something fairly severe, I'd say."

Ranma called out gently to him.  "Like what?"

"Intermittent Explosive Disorder.  Also known as rage 
disorder.  It is often indicated by several discrete 
episodes of failure to resist aggressive impulses that 
result in serious acts of assault or destruction of 
property.  The degree of aggressiveness expressed during 
the episodes is grossly out of proportion to any of the 
precipitating psycho-social stressors."

Ranma blinked at the clinical tone in Akane's voice.  "Is 
that what you have?"


At first I thought Tofu said that technical part.  I had to stop, back up,
and reread it to figure out that it was Akane was repeating something she'd
heard in the hospital.  Unless I'm the only one who had this little bit of
difficulty, perhaps you should put in a bit more of an explicit cue that
this is Akane talking.

A great story, Richard.  I look forward to seeing the final version.

Best,

Bob Barnes
rbarnes@moscow.com
Moscow, Idaho

When opportunity comes, the trick is to CATCH the red hat.