Zen sat back in his chair and stared at the monitor. Yes, this would work.
If *that* wasn't a motive for murder, Zen didn't know what was. Saving the
file for that scene, Zen opened another document window. As usual, it was
at this point that the door opened, and Kei and Yuri strolled in.
Kei: Heyo, Zen! Hard at work, I see!
Zen: <nodding and smiling> Yup! Zen is safe today! Zen has been working
on his fics for the past twelve hours!
Yuri: Wow, I'm impressed! Let's see what you got!
Yuri pushes past Zen and stares at the open files in the word processor.
Toggling through all the documents, she scans scene after scene. Finally,
she stands up and regards Zen critically. Reaching slowly into her bikini
top, she withdraws another isolinear chip.
Zen: <pales> But... but... Zen has been *working* on his fics! Really!
Yuri: Oh, I can see that. The only trouble is, this ISN'T the one that
we've been getting all the complaints about.
Zen: ...
Kei: <looks startled - scans documents> Tsk tsk, Zen-chan... What's this
then? You were *supposed* to be working on the next part of "Winding Road"
- NOT a new story where... <she scans the page again, her eyes wide> you
*kill* *Nabiki*?
Zen: <sullen> It's the crossover. You knew it was planned last 'season'...
Yuri: Crossover? <reaches over and scans directory> Maaaaaa... Kei?
You'd better take a look at this...
Kei: Nani? <scans list, eyes wide> You're crossing Ranma over with
WHAT?! Great Ghoddess, Zen, are you insane?!
Zen: That's a hell of a question coming outta you two...
Yuri: <smacks Zen> Watchit, you...
Kei: <shutting down word processor, and powering up the replicator>
Hokay... what do people want for snacks?
Yuri: <settling into the chair next to Zen's> How about some chocolate
chip cookies? <glances at Zen> And a round of *cold* beers?
Zen: ...
Kei: Biscuits an' a case o' brew. Roger that.
Yuri: <sliding chip into display unit> Ready here!
Kei: <setting LOTS of beer and food on the coffee table, and plopping into
the last chair> and here... Party time!
Zen: <glares at Kei> Oi! You know how long it took Zen to clean this
place up after the *last* of these 'parties'?
Kei: <wicked grin> Oh, but the clean-up was the best part, ne Zen-chan?
<winks> I know that *I* enjoyed it...
Zen: <turns bright red> Hey! Cut that out! People'll get ideas!
<muttering under breath> Hentai...
Yuri: <smirks> Save it for after the fic, you two...
Zen: <sighs, picks up beer, considers dumping it on Yuri's head, but stops
as screen clears and the fic starts...>
At 11:37 -0700 12/13/97, Edward Becerra wrote:
Zen: A *Becerra* fic? That ought to be good at least!
I hope you enjoy this little look at one of the fic's I'm working
on at present... I've sent previous versions of this to my pre-readers,
and even managed to get the attention of Zen. Something which surprised
me, since I respect his work highly.
Zen: O_O Maaa... Ahh yes, the Deitrich piece... Poor, POOR Ed n' Minerva...
Yuri: And just what is *that* supposed to mean?
Zen: <pales> Nothing! Nothing! Really!
(When IS Long and Winding Road 2 coming out, Zen? *grin*)
Kei: Don't worry, Ed. We're on him about that.
Zen: <nervous> Well, Lawson's been after Zen about this other piece, ya
see, and...
Yuri: It had *better* be soon.
Zen: <eeps>
Ed Becerra
"Dreamers may die, but the dream is eternal..."
****************************************************************************
"I try never to get involved in my own life. Too much trouble."
- Mr. Garibaldi (to Mr. Endawi) "Babylon 5: Matters of Honor"
Yuri: That Garibaldi... He is *such* a trouble maker.
Zen: That's what makes him so cool.
* * *
Ed sat in the bridge, shuddering. "If I _EVER_ see that universe again, I
hope someone _shoots_ me."
Zen: Good thing you're not here. <glances at Kei & Yuri> SOME people
would take that literally.
Yuri: You mean it wasn't?
Zen: ...
"It was educational, boss."
"Educational my ASS! I _never_ want to visit the Anime University again.
I'd rather have a Jyusenkyo curse, thank you very much." He shivered. "And
Zen: Feh. Try BOTH. Jyusenkyou Curse AND the 3WA Academy!
the Professor in the Advanced Sciences Department was the worst... I swear,
if I ever hear that 'Hi, I like you, wanna be my guinea pig?' again, I'll
kill her." He reigned in his emotions with an obvious effort. "And the Home
Economics division was almost as bad. What kind of *idiot* puts Saotome
Akane in charge of a _COOKING_ class?"
Zen: Obviously the bio-weapons division went under cover.
Yuri: So Kasumi must have been in charge of espionage & intel?
Zen: Nope. Wetwork.
"Same one that put Tendo Nabiki and Katherine Madigan in Administration,
b'wana."
Kei: What? No Mishima Akiko?
"Please, don't remind me," he sighed. "Those two could squeeze yen from a
stone. And not even work up a sweat." He looked at the blue planet spinning
serenely below. "Time to go. Let's rotate."
Zen: Didn't know that Ed was so fond of Chubby Checker...
Kei: Say what?
Zen: Well, he's forever doin' the twist...
Yuri: <rolls eyes> You should have known better, Kei.
Zen: That's right. Don't be so dance.
Kei & Yuri: <whap Zen>
Behind him, in his private cabin, a tall staff merged with the deckplates
began to glow in an obviously mystical fashion. It had done this before. It
would do it in the future. But this time, and only this time, the glow began
to pulse. Not a good sign. No, not good at all.
Zen-chan: It never is.
* * *
STEEL BREEZE PRODUCTIONS
and
Industrial Might & Logic
Are Proud to Present
L E G I O N ' S Q U E S T
Mi Vida Loco
* * *
"Rotation completed, b'wana. Hmm... this is odd."
"What is is, Min?"
"We didn't emerge near Earth this time. We didn't even come out near the
Solar system."
"Any ideas where we are?"
The ACI nodded. "It's a listed system. Looks habitable. We came out
away from the ecliptic, it looks like." She frowned. "Scanning.."
Ed nodded and pulled his hat down over his eyes. "Lemme know if you get
anything love.. better yet, let me know if you find out why Twister's spell
sent us here."
Zen: Sheer sadism would be Zen's guess.
Kei: ...
"Uh-oh."
He shrank deeper into the captain's seat. "Uh-oh?"
Zen: <smirks> ALSO never a good sign.
"Emergency, boss. We've got major rubble off the port bow, and.. boss!
There's a survivor!"
Yuri: Actually, I think 'debris' would fit better here... 'rubble' implies
that it is stone, or earth, as a general rule...
Zen: O_o Don't *you* start. Kei's a closet grammarian and you're a
budding thesaurus!
Yuri: BUDDING? <thrusts out chest for emphasis> I've bloody well BLOOMED,
thankyouverymuch!
Zen: <nosebleeds>
He shot up straight in his chair. "What?"
"Suited, drifting.. he's running low on consumables, and life support in
his suit is failing." She paused. "There's no no else in the area, aside
>from a ship high-tailing it out of the system. If we don't make pickup, no
one will, lover."
Kei: 'no no else in the area'? - spell-checker won't catch *that* one.
He nodded, swearing under his breath. "Go ahead, but use a cable, not a
tractor or a transporter. I don't want to give up anything I don't have to."
He eyed the wreckage Minerva was imaging on the main screen. "What ever
happened here, they had one HELL of a battle. Somebody really kicked ass in
a major way." He turned back to her. "Deep scans, Min. If there's someone
unfriendly in the area, I want to know about it sooner, rather than later."
Zen: <snort> YOU should BE so lucky.
* * *
"Wha.. who..?"
"Calm down, friend. And don't try to talk. You're safe, for the time
being." The grey haired man smiled down at him. "You're aboard the private
yatch, Calypso. We found you drifting and unconsious, with almost nothing
Kei: Yacht. Calypso, eh? Good name.
left in your suit's tanks. And what looks like the left-overs of a
_serious_ battle floating nearby. We picked you up, and you're in our
sickbay right now, recovering."
"o..our?"
Ed nodded to one side. "I'm sure you'd like to meet my first mate, and
currently your nurse, Minerva." A lovely young woman stepped forward and
swatted Ed over the head.
Zen: these holographic doctors get cheekier and cheekier.
Yuri: One point - this section started from the patient POV, and now refers
to Ed as though the patient knows his name... Maybe Ed ought to introduce
himself?
"And he should be resting, not listening to you blather, boss. I'm the
medic around here, remember?"
Zen: She's a LOT prettier than the Holodoc on that other show, too.
Kei: Hentai!
Zen: YOU should talk!
The by-now thoroughly confused man on the medi-bed watched as the
grey-haired man rolled his eyes at the woman. *Minerva?* he thought? "I.. I
don't understand.."
Minerva came to his side. "Well, at the moment, you don't need to. You're
suffering from oxygen deprivation and death pressure effects. On top of
that, you were shot, although your pressure suit took most of the blow for
you. You need to rest and recouperate. When you're feeling better, we'll get
your personal information, and take you to your family, or friends, or to
wherever you'd like to go after you've fully recovered." She frowned. "Can
you tell us your name?"
"Die.. Dietrich. Dick Dietrich," the patient got out, then slipped into
unconsciousness once again.
Yuri: DIETRICH?!!?
Zen: <non-plussed> Zen *told* you about that. <pauses> Waitaminnit. You
didn't bring this fic in here without READING it first, did you?
Yuri: Well...
Zen: Oboy...
Ed looked worriedly at him. "What's wrong, Min?"
"Nothing truly serious, boss.. he's just exhausted, on top of the other
things that he's suffering from. Stress." She smiled. "A little oxygen, some
food, water and rest, a bit of quick-heal on the side and he'll be okay. 48
hours tops, I'd say."
* * *
"We're WHERE?!"
Zen: Uh oh... He's caught on...
That agonized scream shook the Calypso and could have been heard light
years away if empty space had been capable of carrying sound.
Zen: But it IS. Anime physics rule #37... 'In space, loud noises, like
explosions, are even *louder* because there is no air to get in the way of
the sound.'
"Calm down, boss! It's not _that_ bad."
Ed looked at her and dropped his head into his hands and moaned. "Please
tell me you're joking."
"No. Given our guest's name, and the recent transmissions I've been
monitoring from this system, the planet nearby is the world of Dolz, and
we're in the same universe as the.."
Kei: <growls>
Yuri: <growls>
Zen: <cowers>
"DON'T SAY IT!" he screamed, jerking upright.
"..Lovely Angels," she finished. "We're in the reality of the Flight 005
Conspiracy OAV."
Kei & Yuri: Good girl, Minerva.
Zen: *whew*
"The Dirty Pair," he whispered. "We're doomed."
Kei: Right! That tears it!
Zen: Kei! Calm down! It's just a fic! Zen is sure that he didn't mean
any harm...
* * *
Somewhere, light years away, a red-haired young woman sat up in her bunk
and looked around, confused and angry. "I could have _sworn_ I heard
someone say it.."
Zen: Bwaaaaaaaaaahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Kei: ...
* * *
"Why so upset, boss? It's not like they could hurt either of us. You're
too tough.. and I know you'd never let anyone hurt me."
He was knocking back a bottle of Russian vodka as if his life depended on
how fast he could chug it. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand and
started over. "Min.. the Angels are right.. it never IS their fault. Yet
mayhem, disaster and chaos follow them like the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Kei: <glares at Zen> We've heard THAT line before...
Zen: <bigsweats> At least he said it wasn't your fault!
They don't even have to be on a mission for things to start going wrong
around them. And that means.. " He stopped, and drew a deep breath. "..that
means they are probably _his_."
Zen: Errr... _HIS_?? Nani?
The lovely ACI blinked, and her eyes widened slightly. "How is that
possible?"
"You work for me and you can ask that? It wouldn't even surprise me if
they're blood relations of his. He makes Ataru Moroboshi look like a
celibate monk. Their hair and skin color aren't important, he was always
good at faking that. As good as Zeus was said to be."
Zen: That would explain a lot...
Kei: <darkly> It would explain more if we knew who HE is...
Zen: You don't read enough, Kei.
She nodded. "Truly. You think they are his daughters?"
"Granddaughters, possibly.. or great-granddaughters. The number of
generations doesn't matter.. _that_ bloodline _always_ breeds true." He
winced. "I'm proof of that. And since the Angels are here, he's probably
nearby, so he can enjoy the fireworks." A hard, angry look crept into his
face. "And I do NOT intend to let that miserable sonafabitch get his claws
back into me. _THAT_ is why I'm so upset."
Zen: <looks nervously at Kei & Yuri> You're not half as upset as you're
*gonna* be, if you're not very careful... *trust* Zen...
Minerva looked into his face. "'No one owns me', right?"
"That.. and 'All debts are paid.' He tried to hook me once. And that's
all he gets. Once." He rose from his seat. "We can't leave here until we
find or do whatever it is that Valanna's spell brought us here for, so let's
find it, A.S.A.P." Lifting a hand, he began to quickly tick off points on
his fingers. "First.. we drop our passenger off at the nearest world that
has a 3WA office. I may not want to go near one, but I'll be damned if I'll
be cruel to an innocent bystander just because I've managed to get my OWN
tail in a knot. Second, we start looking for our objective in this reality.
After that.. we'll see."
Kei: Cool. Sounds kinda like "Quantum Leap"
Zen: Except Ed's hologram is way prettier than Al.
"It's a plan, boss..."
"I take it you have an objection?" he asked.
"More of an observation. Remember, we're dealing with the Lovely Angels
here. Murphy's Law went into full effect the second we appeared in this
cosmos, and as someone else said, 90% of the bad luck resulting from that
fact is going to focus right on YOU, boss. That means a meeting with the
Angels isn't just likely, it's _inevitable_."
Zen: The lady knows her probability, that's for sure! Zen's advice is "Be
polite. Be VERY polite."
"Oh... now _THERE'S_ a pleasant thought. Thank you EVER so much, Min."
Kei & Yuri: Hey! We're NOT that bad!
Zen: Actually, they're not. In fact, they're really very nice...
Yuri: <smiling> Why, thankyou, Zen!
Zen: ...at least when they're sober...
Yuri: <smile fades> 'When they're sober'? <holds beer threateningly>
Zen: ...and what EVER you do, keep Kei away from the peanut butter...
Kei: <hefts beer> Zen...
Zen: ...you'll *never* look at PBJ the same way again...
Kei & Yuri <douse Zen with beers> ZEN!
Zen-chan: ...and remember, DON'T let them try and...
Yuri: <whaps Zen> ALL RIGHT. He GOT the point!
Zen-chan: ...
She grinned. "It's my job. And I love my work."
Zen-chan: <smirks> Gotta love an AI with a sense of humour...
"Why me?" he sighed rhetorically. "All right. Attention to orders. Since
we're near Dolz, crack their local net, grab every byte of data that looks
useful, and find me a nearby planet with a 3WA office that's still small
enough that we won't attract too much attention. I rather doubt a thlIngan
Bird of Prey scoutship is seen very often in these parts, and getting
noticed is the last thing we want until we have enough information to fit
into local society." He paused. "Oh, yeah.. and after that little joke with
the jellyfish and the toast last Wendsday?"
Zen-chan: Sounds like Min's sense of humour is a lot like Kei-chan's.
Kei: I'll show you sense-of-humour...
"Yes?"
"I want it all done _yesterday_."
"*groan* Right away, b'wana."
* * *
"Found what you're looking for, boss."
"Yes?" he replied absently.
"The world of Asim. Settled primarily by people of Middle Eastern
descent, some idiot apparently made the error of routing an Arab
colonization ship there without checking to see what other settlers had
already arrived."
Yuri: Who can't see this coming?
Zen-chan & Kei: Well, duh!
Zen-chan: Happens Allah time! You dodge, but Murphy gets in Yahweh...
Yuri & Kei: <@bap!> Stop that, Zen!
Ed snorted. "Let me guess... an Israeli kibbutzim was already set up
there."
Kei: Ed's quick.
Zen-chan: <nods> That's why he's still alive.
She nodded. "So there is a permanant 3WA presence there. Not much, just
an office and a few full-time staffers. No trouble consultant teams. There's
a decent spaceport with regular flights into and out of the system, and
they're tied into the interstellar communications network. We can leave Mr.
Dietrich there with a wad of cash, and the 3WA can take care of the rest of
it. In and out, quick, and the only record of us will be 'mysterious
benefactors'. As for his rescue.. well, they can just chalk it up to UFO's,
the Bermuda Triangle, or Ancient Astronauts if they like."
He sighed. "You've been reading Erich Von Daniken again, haven't you?"
Zen-chan: Ugh. Not THAT tripe...
Yuri: Who?
Zen-chan: A Terran philosopher who was really more of a pop cultist.
Claimed that aliens from space were responsible for everything from the
'ark of the covenant' to the invention of the x-ray.
Kei: Is that so unlikely?
Zen-chan: <snort> Well, it's be safe to say that if he'd ever met an
alien, it was wither Ford Prefect or Zaphod Beeblebrox.
"A girl has to have her hobbies, boss. Besides, he's so _funny_! And
Berlitz looks kind of cute with that beard."
Zen-chan: *whew* Nice to see that she doesn't *believe* any of that!
He gave Minerva a _look_, then relented. "All right. But be careful. That
stuff rots the brain." He paused. "Is either gold or platinum valuable
here?"
"Yes, but the metal they need for their stardrives is even more so. It's
called vizorium."
Kei: So this is an older tech universe, ne?
Zen-chan: <nods> Looks that way.
"Can you replicate it?"
"No problem. Make a few pounds, and leave it in the vault of a bank on
Dolz in exchange for lifting some galactic currency, right?"
Kei: Definitely old-tech.
"That works. And it's better than counterfitting. Make it so, girl. And
let's head for Asim." He waved an arm at the wreckage still visible in the
main viewscreen. "Watching all that stuff float out there gives me the
creeps."
Zen-chan: Actually, the collateral damages in the Dolz Incident were
relatively light. AND it wasn't like they weren't *necessary* damages!
Only the bad guys got hit *too* hard.
Kei: Yah, what he... er... she said!
***********************************
Personal Log: Entry 47, Year 26.
Min's taking the Calypso to Asim via warp drive instead of hopping
in-system with the Irrelevancy drive. Seems Dietrich was a little more
injured than it appeared at first scan. He has a rather nasty case of
decompression sickness (they used to call it 'the Bends' when I was a kid)
on top of traumatic abaryia, and Min wanted to give him an extra day or two
of recovery time.
Zen-chan: No whales in the cargo bay o' that bird, but more engines than
you can shake a stick at.
Yuri: Gotta be more interesting than collecting stamps...
Zen-chan: But a lot bulkier!
And I made the mistake of letting her go all out for him. She always
_was_ a sucker for a hero, and so she's been quietly 'improving' his health
without his knowledge. By the time she's done, he'll feel twenty years
younger (and BE that much younger, at least internally).
Reminds me of something the Doctor once said, the last time I ran into
him. (Note: Next time we meet, I _really_ must apologize for ramming into
his TARDIS. *sigh* Serves me right for not looking where I was flying.)
Zen-chan: Now THERE would be a mix from hell...
Kei: <dangerous look> And what is THAT supposed to mean?
Zen-chan: Well, if there is anyone that has a worse reputation for chaos
and mayhem following them than you two do, it's the Doctor...
"The hallmark of a sentient being is the ability to use one's
intelligence to apply one's instincts for the BENEFIT OF OTHERS, no matter
if they are of your species or not."
Nice guy, the Doctor. But I digress...
Zen-chan: Well, most of him, anyway. Number six was a bit of a pratt...
Yuri: Number SIX?
Kei: Thought that was the Prisoner...
Zen-chan: No, he was not a number - he was a free man...
Yuri: Not until he got away from those village people...
Zen-chan: <sweating out 70's flashback> Village People... <<shudder>>
Maybe I've gotten lucky this time around. Maybe Dietrich was the reason
Vallanna's spell drew us here. Fates willing, we might be able to leave this
reality just as soon as we get him back with his family again.
Maybe it's just that simple.
Maybe there won't be any trouble here.
And maybe pigs will fly.
End Log Entry 47, Year 26.
***********************************
Zen-chan: <<snort>>
Yuri: Well... so far, it's not TOO bad. After all, he only said IT once...
Kei: Twice. You forgot the title.
Yuri: Oh, that's right... <growls>
Zen-chan: Becerra-san writes very well... Zen is sure that if you
reasoned with him, he'd be more careful about his word choices...
Kei: Okay. We'll let him live. For now. But YOU on the other hand...
Zen-chan: <pales> Eh? What do you mean by that?
Yuri: You've been neglecting your fics!
Zen-chan: Zen has been busy! besides! Zen has been working on his fics!
Really!
Yuri: But there are a LOT of people out there waiting for TLaWR2, ne? How
long are you going to keep putting this off?
Kei: <Reaching for a jar> Ukyou no Otaku ni Oshiokyou!
Zen-chan: <backpedaling> Nani yo?! <to camera><smallvoice> Mommie...
<fade to black>
Kei-voice: Now relax, Zen-chan... this won't hurt a bit.
Zen-chan: <<whimper>>
**********************
Ganbatte, Ed-san!
Zen no Itan-sha