In keeping with the holiday season, a Ranma takeoff of my all-time favorite
Christmas movie! ^_^

In keeping with what everybody tells me is an incapability to take a joke,
my rebuttal!

It's a Wonderful SPAMfic

By Cindy Toler

It's a Somewhat Less Wonderful But Still Tolerable (Mostly) SPAMfic Ripoff

By Kris Overstreet

       "Let's go check on your old pal Ucchan first," Clarence suggested.
Ranma cried out in astonishment as the scene around them changed, and she
found herself looking through the window of the Ucchan.  Ukyo was doing a
brisk business on this cold night, humming a merry tune as she flipped
okonomiyaki with less expertise but more joy than usual.  Her clothing was
slightly different, too - she wore an okonomiyaki chef's outfit, but it was
clearly designed to emphasize her femininity.  The deep pink matched the
blush in her cheeks as she served an Ucchan special to a particularly
handsome male customer.  He gave her a winning smile and ate
appreciatively, watching her as she continued to serve the rest of her
customers.  Ukyo smiled shyly and giggled.
       "She's so...girly," Ranma commented.
       "Maybe this wasn't such a good place to start..." Clarence began.
       "Hi, Dad!" Ukyo said cheerfully as an older gentleman walked in.
Her father gave her a kiss on the cheek and went to change into his own
work clothes, then came back out to work side by side with his daughter.
       "So, if I was never born, Ukyo..."
       "She was never shamed in front of her family, and never forced to
live as a boy or seek revenge for most of her formative years.  She never
even called anybody 'jackass' or started a fight.  She lived happily, fell
in love with an affluent customer, and eventually had children."
       "Ukyo?"
       "Three boys and a girl."

        "Let's go check on your old pal Ucchan first," Clarence suggested.
Ranma cried out in astonishment as the scene around them changed, and she
found herself looking through the window of the Ucchan.  Ukyo was doing a
brisk business on this cold night, humming a merry tune as she flipped
okonomiyaki with less expertise but more joy than usual.  Her clothing was
slightly different, too - she wore beneath her apron a Western style
business suit, complete with tie. Her hair was cut in a boy's cut, short and
full. Working beside her was a cute blone with a floral print dress beneath
her apron, a twinkle in her-
        "Tsubasa?" Ranma gasped. "What's he doing here? Ukyo hates his guts!"
        "But that was in a world where you existed to give her some idea of
what an ideal male was," Clarence pointed out. "In this world, you never
became her friend, and her father continued to raise her like he would a boy
until, in order to save money when the okonomiyaki business went sour, he
sent her to an all-boys school... where she met Tsubasa."
        "No," Ranma gasped.
        "They're madly in love, of course," Clarence said. "They'll have
five children, one boy, one girl, and three hermaphrodites when cloning
becomes commercially available."
        "What's a hermaphrodite?" Ranma asked.
        Clarence told him.
        Ranma fainted.
        "Maybe we'd better go ahead to the next stop," Clarence sighed.

       "Hey!' Ranma protested.  Suddenly the scene changed again, to the
house Ranma had lived in for a very short time, before his father had taken
him on a ten-year training trip.  Ranma shrugged out of Clarence's grip,
then made her silent, hesitant way to the nearest window of the Saotome
house.  Genma was seated at the small dining table, looking trim and fit.
Nodoka walked in with a plate of food, which she began serving to her
husband.  Ranma blushed at the fond looks the two were giving each other.
       "You were never born," Clarence reminded her, "so your father never
left your mother alone for ten years, with nothing but cold honor to
comfort her.  He never had anyone to foist his work off on, either, so he
remained a fit, productive member of the family.  He and Nodoka lived a
long, happy life together."

        When Ranma came to, he was sitting in the snow just ouside the
house Ranma had lived in for a very short time, before his father had taken
him on a ten-year training trip.  Ranma accepted Clarence's hand and pulled
himself up, then made his silent, hesitant way to the nearest window of the
Saotome house.  Genma was seated at the small dining table, looking just as
lazy and slovenly as ever. Nodoka walked in with a plate of food, which she
began serving to her husband.  Ranma watched carefully as the two ate in
silence, neither looking at the other. Nodoka looked up only once, staring
out the window at her own reflection; the warm, friendly smile and sparkle
in her eyes Ranma had known was totally gone.
        "You were never born," Clarence reminded him, "so your father never
left your mother alone for ten years, with nothing to remind her of just how
irresponsible and lazy he really was.  He never stuck to anything besides
martial arts long enough to get anywhere, and after all these years the two
are quite sick of each other, but can't afford the legal fees for a divorce.
They live out their long lives wondering how life might have been if they
had never met each other... well, Nodoka does, anyway. Genma dies a
well-fed, happy man."
        "Oyajii..." Ranma's fist clenches in rage at the thought.
        "I'm afraid there's no justice in this life, Ranma," Clarence shrugged.

       "What about...Akane?" Ranma asked almost unwillingly.  Did she
really want to know?  The scene changed again, and Ranma found herself at
the Tendo Dojo.  Kasumi was chopping vegetables in the kitchen, humming
cheerfully.  Nothing different there.  Soun was gazing out at his garden,
weeping with the beauty and serenity of it as rain softly pattered down on
the roof.  Definitely nothing new there.  Nabiki was... sighing over a
picture of Kuno???
       "Ah, the Blue Thunder is still the Big Man on Campus.  You were
never born to challenge him and make him look foolish in front of the
entire student body."
       "Hm!" Ranma said derisively.  Kuno had certainy never needed HER
help to look foolish...
       "You silly!" Akane's voice said fondly.  She walked into the house,
followed by Ryoga.  The Lost Boy was holding his umbrella over Akane, and
as soon as she was safely under the roof he folded the umbrella up and
shook some of the rainwater off, brushing his wet bangs out of his eyes.
       "Because you were never born, Ryoga never went to Jusenkyo.  He
still has his directional problem, but his friends look out for him.  His
girlfriend thinks it's charming."
       "G-girlfriend?" Ranma asked.  Ryoga with a girlfriend?
       "Akane.  Those two met when Ryoga wandered into Furinkan high
school by mistake, and they've been inseparable ever since."
       "So what about Shampoo?" Ranma asked quietly.
       "She was the victor of the Amazon Tournament, and won great honor
for her people as well as the prize."

        "What about...Akane?" Ranma asked almost unwillingly.  Did she
really want to know?  The scene changed again, and Ranma found herself at
the Tendo Dojo.  Kasumi was chopping vegetables in the kitchen, humming
cheerfully.  Nothing different there.  Soun was gazing out at his garden,
weeping with the beauty and serenity of it as rain softly pattered down on
the roof.  Definitely nothing new there.  Nabiki was... sighing over a
picture of Kuno??? "Nabiki fell in love with Kuno?"
        "With his money, actually," Clarence said. "Without you around to
put her through college with lewd photos of you, bets on your fights, side
bets on your arguements with Akane, and the interest off your loans, Kuno
seemed to be the best meal ticket available. Still, she has competition..."
        "You silly!" Akane's voice said fondly.  She walked into the house,
followed by Kuno.  Tatewaki held his umbrella over Akane like a sword,
sweeping it back and closing it in one elegant motion as she stepped beneath
the roof. A second later, the storm -really- opened up, and Kuno got
drenched instantly.
        "Without you around to protect her, Akane was eventually defeated-"
        "By Kuno? No way!" Ranma just couldn't believe that. Akane beaten by
-that- loser?
        "-by Kodachi in the Martial Arts Gymnastics contest. She used some
serious mind-altering chemicals which, as a side effect, totally changed
Akane's opinion of Kuno. She thinks he's the cutest thing since Hello Kitty."
        "What about Ryouga?" Ranma gasped. "Surely he'd fight for her."
        "He never met her," Clarence shook his head. "Without you to look
for, he never had any reason to come to Furinkan or to meet Akane. He did
stumble through Jyusenkyo on his own, though, and not long after he stumbled
into Akari. They had two boys, three girls, and six piglets."
        "Six what?!?"
        "Just kidding."
        "What about Shampoo and Mousse, then?" Ranma asked.
        "Shampoo won the tournament, clubbed a male from a neighboring
village over the head, and had thirty kids. Mousse, heartbroken, emigrated
to Japan, abandoned martial arts, and became a home plate umpire for Tokyo's
first Major League Baseball franchise."

       "And your point in showing me all this was to convince me that life
would be better with me in it?"
       "It didn't work?"
       "No."
       Clarence sighed as Ranma made her final decision.  The scene
switched back to the starting point, with male Ranma poised over the
swirling waters.
       "Oh, shoot," Clarence muttered.  "Guess I'll have to try again to
get my wings..."

        "So, let me get this straight," Ranma said. "If I was never born,
Ukyo loses all sense of good taste, Mom's stuck with Oyajii all her life,
Akane falls in love with Kuno, Ryouga gets cursed ANYWAY, Shampoo becomes a
one woman population explosion and Mousse robs Japan of honorable victories
in baseball?"
        "Actually, Mousse's officiating helped Tokyo win the pennant in its
opening year," Clarence shrugged, "but the rest is pretty much on target."
        "Okay," Ranma nodded, "put me back."
        Clarence looked up, then smiled. "Okay, you're back. And Ranma...
thank you."
        "Nah, thank you, Clarence," Ranma grinned. "You kept me from making
a major mistake."
        "Hey, Saotome," a voice called out, "who ya talkin' to?"
        Ranma turned around to see Ryouga staring at him as if he'd grown a
second head. "I'm talking to Clarence," Ranma said. "Clarence, why don't you..."
        Ranma turned back to see empty air beside him. "Ah... never mind.
Just a lame over-worked holiday cliche`."
        Ryouga shrugged. "Whatever. I just wanted to say one thing to you
anyway."
        Ranma blinked. "What's that?"
        Ryouga pulled out his umbrella and poked Ranma in the chest, just
barely setting him off balance. "Merry Christmas."
        "RYOUUUUUUGGG-"
        SPLASH.

        "Oh my, Ranma," Kasumi said as she poured a fresh kettleful of water
into the pail Ranma's feet rested in, "it's too cold to go swimming. You
should have gone to the indoor pool if you wanted to practice."
        "Sloppy training, son," Genma said, guzzling Ranma's chicken soup in
one hand and his orange juice in the other. "Tomorrow we'll have to go on a
month-long training trip to regain your edge!"
        "I'm coming with you!" Akane said. "You need someone to cook your
meals for you and to make sure Ranma keeps up on his school assignments."
        I hate my life, Ranma thought to himself between sneezes.

THE END


^_^

Cindy

DOES IT EVER END?

^_-

Redneck

(Cindy: May I have your permission to send the send-up to the FFML? }:-{D)

Kris Overstreet, will write for food... | "It's Christmas in Heaven, 
http://www.txdirect.net/users/redneck   |       there's great shows on TV;
c/o White Lightning Productions         | the Sound of Music twice an hour 
http://www.jurai.net/~redneck/wlp/      |       and Jaws I, II and III."
Webmaster for Antarctic Press           | --- A Nybbas Christmas
http://www.antarctic-press.com/         |  ***QUESTION EVERYTHING***