CALF Productions welcomes all C&C. Please remember to send C&C to the
following addresses:
cja124@mail.USask.Ca
alhuang@hcs.harvard.edu
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net
MXJK67C@prodigy.com
***prologue***
It was a small theater, the likes of which people had seen a
thousand times before. Of course, not many theaters were devoted to
one purpose and one purpose only: that form of fiction reviewing
known as Mystery Science Theater-ing.
This theater was devoted to the efforts of one man. Well, one man
and his two sisters. Alright, they were all deities, give it a rest
already!
The specific divinities in question were the goddess Urd, her
younger sister Skuld, and their brother-by-wish Christopher Angel.
Skuld ran into the theater from the lobby, expertly balancing the
triple-scoop ice-cream cone she carried. "Hurry up, Oniichan, the
show's going to start!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming....sheesh," Chris said, walking through the
doors. He paused and stuck his head back into the lobby. "Urd, stop
flirting with the poor boy and get in here!" His face was pushed
back by the slender hand of a beautful platinum-haired goddess as she
walked into the theater.
"You're such a prude, 'Niichan," she said amusedly. She walked down
the aisle to find her seat, scowling at the diminutive brunette who
sat two seats away.
"Leave Oniichan alone!" Skuld scolded Urd through a mouthful of
ice-cream. "He does it because he cares, unlike you."
Urd's face began to flush as she grew angry. "What do you mean,
unlike me? I care about him just as much as you, Little Miss
Disaster!"
"Oh yeah?"
"YEAH!"
Their further argument was interrupted by a throat being cleared.
"Uh...girls?" They turned to see Chris sitting in the row behind
them. "I appreciate the sentiment, but the owner said if we trash
this place again _I_ have to pay for it." The two sat down and
glowered at the screen. "Hey, Skuld, you chose the fic we're doing,
didn't you?"
Skuld nodded eagerly. "Yup, and the owner even set up that new
SuperMST holographic system in honor of the fic we're doing."
"What fic is that?" Urd asked suspiciously.
Skuld's answer was forestalled by the dimming of the lights and a
high-pitched whine as the SuperMST system powered up. The opening
credits for the fiction began to scroll through the air, and Chris
shot to his feet with a cry of horror.
"Undocumented Features?! Skuld, are you _insane_?"
"What's wrong with it?" she asked with a pout.
Chris began frantically waving his hands in the air. "It's
monstrous! It's _huge_!"
"It's not that bad," Skuld protested.
"It takes a frigging week to even _read_ the damn thing!"
Urd looked up at the scrolling credits with a bit of awe. "That's
one big fic." She paused as the words floating through the air began
to warp and twist, and a breeze sprang up. "Hey Skuld, you didn't
hook this thing up, did you?"
Skuld looked up at the words in the air, and frowned as a swirling
black, blue, and white vortex appeared in the air. "Oniichan, I
think we better find the off swiiiiiiiiitch!" She began to float of
the ground as the wind picked up and they all felt a pull into the
vortex.
"Skuld!" Chris yelled, and made a grab for her, but she was already
flying through the air. As he watched, she flew into the vortex and
disappeared. Without another word, he leapt after her.
From her hold on her seat, Urd groaned in dismay. "I just now I'm
going to regret this," she complained, and as she let go of her
chair, the mysterious force pulled her into the air. "Wait for
me!!!!"
*******
"Lurker-kun? What are you doing?"
Shidou Hikaru stared nervously at the open panel in the ceiling of
the newly rebuilt Lurkerdrome. Fiber-optic cabling hung from the
ceiling cavity, swaying as the figure half-hidden in the hole worked.
A muffled curse drifted down as something emitted sparks and a wisp
of smoke. "Dammit! Serves me right for using cheap parts..." The
person in the hole dropped down, landing on the floor. His lavender
hair was mattered with soot and sweat, as were his face, hands, and
clothing. He replaced a spanner in his toolbelt. "Looks like I'll
need a new control chip for the emitter array," said The Eternal Lost
Lurker.
"What emitter array? What have you been doing up there?" Hikaru
asked.
"I'm installing a new holoprojection review system," Lurker said.
"It's got ten times the power our old system has, plus the ability to
project fanfics holographically, instead of on the usual screens."
"Anou...the old system works just fine. What gives?"
Lurker grinned maniacally. "Hikaru, we're about to do the review
that will make us legends."
Hikaru sweated nervously. "You're scaring me, Lurker-kun..."
Lurker turned to a box of supplies, and rummaged through, until he
turned up an innocent-looking processor casing. "This is it," he
declared joyously, before floating back up to the ceiling. After a
few moments, he descended again, closed up the hole, and removed a
50-yen piece from his pocket. "See this coin, Hikaru-chan? This will
determine the path of our destiny!"
Hikaru was considering running for dear life at this point. Lurker
was never _this_ insane, even when he used...she blushed and cut that
thought off. "What're you planning, Lurker-kun?"
Lurker held up the coin. "I'm going to flip this coin. If it comes
up heads, we're reviewing the entire Song of the Phoenix saga, up
through The Caller's Plight."
Hikaru gasped. "That's insane!"
Lurker grinned. "And if it comes up tails, we're reviewing
Undocumented Features."
"That's _still_ insane!"
Lurker cackled. "Yes, I suppose it is. Well, anyway...here we go!"
He flipped the coin. *Come on, heads,* he prayed silently.
Hikaru watched the coin as it slammed down into Lurker's palm. He
slapped it onto the back of his arm, and removed his hand.
Tails.
"Crap. Ah well, it's still a nice, big project." Lurker sorted
through the archives, and loaded Undocumented Features into the
review system.
The credits began rolling, the holo-feed flickering slightly. "Gotta
fix the projection unit," Lurker muttered.
Suddenly, the holographic image began to flicker wildly, and
swirled, forming a portal. "What the--!?"
"What's going on?" Hikaru yelled.
"I don't know! ...GET DOWN!!!"
There was an explosion, a bright flash of light, and a sonic boom.
Chichiri cursed silently to himself as he prepared to enter the
theater. He was late, and they'd probably started the fic without
him.
He heard a loud sonic boom as he teleported into the theater, and
immediately raised a spirit barrier around himself. When the smoke
inside the Lurkerdrome cleared, Chichiri blinked. "Lurker? Hikaru? Is
anyone here no da?"
The seats, walls, and ceiling were sparking. A flickering
holographic image wavered in the air, straightening out to show
Hikaru, Lurker, and others plummeting through a void.
"What happened here no da?" Chichiri wondered.
*******
"Wow!" a young girl in a classic sailor fuku exclaimed as she looked
around the new Flash Point theater. She had short, messy brown hair
that was held back by a long white headband.
In an emotionless monotone, the green scaled being at her side
spoke. "Impressive." He wore gold bikini briefs and a gold helmet,
with a small trident, which gave him his name, in place of his right
hand.
"You like?" a man in a gold, silver and blue Sentai outfit asked as
he made some final adjustments to the holographic equipment. He
looked like he had just stepped out of DaiRanger. "Some mysterious
person sent me all this cool stuff, and all we have to do to keep it
for good is review one fic."
"Which one?" the girl, named Sakura, asked.
"Undocumented Features. They even sent me the disc to do it with."
"UNDOCUMENTED FEATURES?!!!!" Sakura roared, "FLASHMAN!!! DO YOU
HAVE ANY _IDEA_ HOW LONG THAT IS??!!"
"It would take much of our time," Trident added, still unruffled.
"I know," Flashman replied, "but still, we can review stuff in 3-D
from now on. It'll be sooo cool."
"I guess..." Sakura trailed off as she sighed.
Suddenly, as Flashman flicked the switch to turn the machines on,
Trident snapped his head up and grumbled, "I feel an evil
presence..."
At that instant, a gigantic portal opened up and before the three
could react, they were sucked in and rocketed off to parts
unknown.
*******
Andrew was pleasantly surprised to find Jinnai Nanami upon entering
his dorm suite. However, the semi-clunky object she was tinkering
around with was a little unsettling.
"Nanami-san? What're you doing?"
"Setting this SuperMST system up," she replied, without looking up.
"I said I was giving up on MSTing stuff...."
"Oh, come on! Just at _least_ try this out!" She put a few finishing
tweaks on the equipment and sat down on the futon, facing it. Andrew
joined her there. "We got it for free! The guys at FFTech R&D want us
to test the portable SuperMST model for them. They even sent us a fic
that'll...what's that?"
"Wha? Oh...." Andrew held up a spiky ball on a chain attached to a
wooden handle. "This is 'The Old Ball and Chain'. Gaspode dragged my
morningstar out from under the bed and tried to use it as a chew
toy.Must be a relapse of his unintelligent days. I--"
"A morningstar?" Nanami interrupted.
"Um, yes."
Slowly, she asked, "Why do you have one?"
"Um. Well, I just thought it would be fun to have one."
Silence.
"I mean, it looks nice...."
More silence.
"Good weight distribution, easy to grip and all."
Yet more silence.
"Look, it's not like I ever use it on anything other than the
occasional soda can."
A soft thump, followed by further silence.
"Nanami-san, you can stop edging away from me, now. You've fallen
off the futon already. I'll put it down here, and not touch it, all
right?"
Nanami shook herself a bit, eyeing the weapon nervously, and climbed
back up on the ersatz sofa. "Anyway, where is the Wonder Dog?"
"I just took him to the one vet who'd actually take him."
"In other words, you're broke, eh?"
"Damn straight. Stupid dog."
Nanami grinned, forgetting about the heavy lump of metal used to
viciously crush skulls. "Well, this should cheer you up! Like I said,
they sent us a fic that'll enable us to experience the system to the
fullest." She brandished a package of round discs, the first of which
was already loaded into the machine.
"Nanami-san? Why does that DVD-ROM have 'UF, part 2/42' written on
it? Oh, no. I _am_ a college student, you know. I do have work to
do, and I can't spare the next few months here...."
"We'll just do some of it, all right? Just enough to get a feel for
the thing. Now come on and relax." She sidled up to him and patted
his leg. That, of course, destroyed any possible resistance from him.
"Ah...okay...." Andrew's consciousness had somewhat separated from
the rest of him. Not that he minded, of course. With a giggle, Nanami
hit the play button on the remote.
*SWOOSH*
Nanami's last thought before unconsciousness claimed her was, "Hey,
this reminds me of when I got sent to El Hazard...."
Andrew's brain just gurgled a bit before going out.
The Old Ball and Chain thought, "Oh, bugger."
*******
CALF Productions presents...
----------------
Otaku Leap
----------------
By Andrew Huang, Christopher "God-Boy" Angel,
Christian "Flashman" Rogers, and Robert "The Eternal Lost Lurker"
Morrison.
All non-original characters the properties of their respective
owners.