In keeping with the holiday season, a Ranma takeoff of my all-time favorite
Christmas movie! ^_^


It's a Wonderful SPAMfic

By Cindy Toler

        Ranma Saotome stood at the bridge's highest point, gazing
despondently over the safety railing at the frigid, choppy waters below.
It was too late for him to die like a man; if he jumped he wouldn't have to
worry about that, though.  Unaware of the voices raised in prayer on his
behalf all over Nerima, Ranma climbed over the rail and paused a moment,
preparing to embrace oblivion...
        A loud cry interrupted Ranma's thoughts, and he gawked
incredulously as a short man jumped into the water ahead of him.  He
plummeted down into the icy flood and began paddling frantically, screaming
for help.  Ranma's instincts prodded him to leap to the rescue, as was a
Martial Artist's duty.  Without a second thought, Ranma leaped in after the
man.  The transformation into his cursed form barely even registered on
Ranma until after she had dragged the heavy fellow out onto the bank.
        "Y-you sure picked a f-f-fine night to go s-swimming," Ranma
gritted out through chattering teeth.
        "I wasn't swimming," the man answered.  "I jumped in to save you,
Ranma."
        "H-how do you know my name?" Ranma gasped.
        "I know everything about you.  I'm an angel."
        "Yeah, right," Ranma said disgustedly, leaping to her feet and
shivering violently.
        "But I am!  Clarence Oddbody, Angel Second Class."
        "Uh-huh," Ranma said, her eyes narrowing.  "So where's your wings
and halo?"
        "Oh, but that's why I'm here.  I have to earn my wings."
        "Huh," Ranma said, as she made a futile attempt to wring some of
the water out of her clothing.  "Thought you were going to say you were
trying your wings out a few minutes ago."
        "No, I was trying to save you, Ranma.  I knew that if you saw a
fellow human being in trouble, you'd jump to the rescue because it's a
Martial Artist's duty to protect the weak."
        "Hey, how do you know so much about me?" Ranma was downright
suspicious now.  Maybe Nabiki was selling information or something...
        "I told you, I know everything about you, Ranma.  From the minute
you were born..."
        "I wish I never HAD been born."
        "Oh, you mustn't wish a thing like that!" Clarence gasped.
        "Why not?  It's true.  Everybody would be a lot better off without
me."  Ranma watched in puzzlement as the "angel" looked heavenward for a
few minutes, mumbling in what appeared to be a one-sided conversation.
        "All right," Clarence said.  "You've got your wish.  You were never
born."
        "Huh?"
        "This is your chance to see what life would be like for everyone if
you had never been born," Clarence repeated patiently.
        "Why would I want to do that?"
        "Because I have to show you that life would be different without
you.  Once you see how you'd be missed, you'll get your life back and I'll
get my wings."
        "Okaaaaay," Ranma said softly, clearly patronizing the man.
        "Let's go check on your old pal Ucchan first," Clarence suggested.
Ranma cried out in astonishment as the scene around them changed, and she
found herself looking through the window of the Ucchan.  Ukyo was doing a
brisk business on this cold night, humming a merry tune as she flipped
okonomiyaki with less expertise but more joy than usual.  Her clothing was
slightly different, too - she wore an okonomiyaki chef's outfit, but it was
clearly designed to emphasize her femininity.  The deep pink matched the
blush in her cheeks as she served an Ucchan special to a particularly
handsome male customer.  He gave her a winning smile and ate
appreciatively, watching her as she continued to serve the rest of her
customers.  Ukyo smiled shyly and giggled.
        "She's so...girly," Ranma commented.
        "Maybe this wasn't such a good place to start..." Clarence began.
        "Hi, Dad!" Ukyo said cheerfully as an older gentleman walked in.
Her father gave her a kiss on the cheek and went to change into his own
work clothes, then came back out to work side by side with his daughter.
        "So, if I was never born, Ukyo..."
        "She was never shamed in front of her family, and never forced to
live as a boy or seek revenge for most of her formative years.  She never
even called anybody 'jackass' or started a fight.  She lived happily, fell
in love with an affluent customer, and eventually had children."
        "Ukyo?"
        "Three boys and a girl."
        "No way," Ranma said.  "This is some kind of joke."  She brushed
past Clarence and pushed her way into the restaurant and seated herself in
front of the grill.
        "Good evening, Ma'am," Ukyo said brightly.  "Welcome to the Ucchan.
My name is Ukyo, let me know when you're ready to order."
        "Come off it, Ucchan, it's me!" Ranma said.
        "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't recall meeting you before.  We do
get a lot of customers here..."
        "Ukyo, it's me!  Ranma!  Ran-chan!"  Ranma stifled a growl of
frustration as Ukyo looked at her blankly.  "Just gimme the special, OK?"
        "Sure thing, ma'am!"  Ukyo started an okonomiyaki special sizzling
on the grill as Clarence sidled up beside Ranma.
        "You don't have any money," Clarence hissed.  "You were never born,
remember?"
        "Come on, this is Ucchan!" Ranma said a little too loudly.  "It's
always on the house for me!"
        "Excuse me, miss, but if you don't intend to pay for your dinner
I'm afraid you'll have to leave," Ukyo's father said as he stepped between
his daughter and the troublemaker.
        "Sorry for the trouble, sir, we'll just be leaving now!"  Clarence
grabbed Ranma's arm and sped out of the restaurant.
        "Hey!' Ranma protested.  Suddenly the scene changed again, to the
house Ranma had lived in for a very short time, before his father had taken
him on a ten-year training trip.  Ranma shrugged out of Clarence's grip,
then made her silent, hesitant way to the nearest window of the Saotome
house.  Genma was seated at the small dining table, looking trim and fit.
Nodoka walked in with a plate of food, which she began serving to her
husband.  Ranma blushed at the fond looks the two were giving each other.
        "You were never born," Clarence reminded her, "so your father never
left your mother alone for ten years, with nothing but cold honor to
comfort her.  He never had anyone to foist his work off on, either, so he
remained a fit, productive member of the family.  He and Nodoka lived a
long, happy life together."
        "What about...Akane?" Ranma asked almost unwillingly.  Did she
really want to know?  The scene changed again, and Ranma found herself at
the Tendo Dojo.  Kasumi was chopping vegetables in the kitchen, humming
cheerfully.  Nothing different there.  Soun was gazing out at his garden,
weeping with the beauty and serenity of it as rain softly pattered down on
the roof.  Definitely nothing new there.  Nabiki was... sighing over a
picture of Kuno???
        "Ah, the Blue Thunder is still the Big Man on Campus.  You were
never born to challenge him and make him look foolish in front of the
entire student body."
        "Hm!" Ranma said derisively.  Kuno had certainy never needed HER
help to look foolish...
        "You silly!" Akane's voice said fondly.  She walked into the house,
followed by Ryoga.  The Lost Boy was holding his umbrella over Akane, and
as soon as she was safely under the roof he folded the umbrella up and
shook some of the rainwater off, brushing his wet bangs out of his eyes.
        "Because you were never born, Ryoga never went to Jusenkyo.  He
still has his directional problem, but his friends look out for him.  His
girlfriend thinks it's charming."
        "G-girlfriend?" Ranma asked.  Ryoga with a girlfriend?
        "Akane.  Those two met when Ryoga wandered into Furinkan high
school by mistake, and they've been inseparable ever since."
        "So what about Shampoo?" Ranma asked quietly.
        "She was the victor of the Amazon Tournament, and won great honor
for her people as well as the prize."
        "And your point in showing me all this was to convince me that life
would be better with me in it?"
        "It didn't work?"
        "No."
        Clarence sighed as Ranma made her final decision.  The scene
switched back to the starting point, with male Ranma poised over the
swirling waters.
        "Oh, shoot," Clarence muttered.  "Guess I'll have to try again to
get my wings..."

THE END


^_^

Cindy

Fourth Disciple of Ryouga, Guardian of the Sacred Walnut Grove
Hentai Hymn Leader of the Church of the Black Rose

Yoiko's Home Page:  http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7183