This fic was riveting and terrifically original.  I'm eager to see it finished
and posted.  Some reactions:

- the Shampoo/Cologne idea is absolutely brilliant and its revelation is
remarkably chilling, one of the most exciting single subplot ideas in all of
Ranma fanfic.  It needs to be checked against the manga.  For example,
Happosai on at least two occasions recalls encounters with the young Cologne
(love pills story and Hiryuu Shoutenha story).  I think that Herb and the
Nikuman men come to Nerima expressly to see Cologne.  There might also be
something in the Pink and Link story that indicates their awareness of her
identity.  Of course, I suppose they could have all been under the same mind
control, but the story should take such complications into account.

*sigh*  Here you see the problems inherent in only having read the Viz
translations...

I deal with Happosai (to some extent) in part 10, as you may have seen.  As
for Herb and the others ... um, I'll have to think about that.  After I
look up a few more details about the stories concerned!

- the genius of the Shampoo/Cologne storyline notwithstanding, its
introduction abruptly intrudes on the intriguing and touching reaccomodation
of Ranma and Ukyou.  It was really a disconcerting change, going from a story
built around emotion, loss, regret to a psychological thriller.  At this
point, I'm wondering if even Ukyou is real.

You think I'm going to tell you?  :)
You're absolutely right about the sudden intrusion.  There are a few hints
earlier in the story that something is up, but I think I need to foreshadow
it a little better.

- the revelation that Ukyou (assuming she's real) had spoken to just about
everyone back home except Ranma has unexpected emotional impact for me, the
heartbreak of what could have been.  Ranma is right to be upset with Ukyou and
with his family for their failure to relieve him of the burden of guilt he
carried for so long.  I think he and the story need to dwell more on this
decades-long "crime" against him.

Remember that Ranma has just completed 65 years of training in "Think
before you open your mouth" (advanced level).  He DOES understand why Ukyou
didn't want to speak to him.  That doesn't stop it hurting him, of course.
The subject may crop up again before the end...

- the brackets used to indicate Ranma's thoughts are distracting.  I don't
think they're necessary, since no one else's unspoken thoughts are part of the
narration.  It might be smoother and more artistic if his thoughts were
incorported right into the straight narrative.  With such a change, only one
set of brackets would be necessary in the extended internal argument at the
end of Part 8.

I'm not sure I agree here.  I do prefer to distinguish between
directly-quoted internal dialogue and reported internal dialogue -- as much
as anything else, it helps me as I'm writing.

What do other people think?  Are the brackets distracting?

As for the argument in part 8 ... that was rather artificial (as Mike
Noakes has pointed out).  But any other way I can think of of reporting
Ranma's internal struggle would have been tedious and distracting, and --
IMO -- simply wouldn't have had the same impact.

Anyway ... thanks for your comments.  Messages saying "This is great,
when's the next part coming out" are nice - and welcome, of course - but
intelligent criticism is what helps me become a better writer.  (Hopefully.)

Angus

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Allen Gainsford                                                Angus MacSpon
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon            http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon