A piece of Spam Fic brought to you by Richard Beaubien...

Warning: Not spell checked, Grammar checked, or Insanity Checked. You have
been warned...

**** Prologue

It was all caused by an accident. 
A fairly innocent accident really, as all accidents tend to be. But the
shockwaves that the accident caused where anything but innocent. In fact
they where rather nasty and distastefull consquences which threatned the
very fabric of space and time (though that was rather a common occurence
in this day and age). Yet it all started with one rather simple and rather
stupid accident that involved a Kargon warship in a rather plain sector of
space in a rather plain section of time. 

You see the Kargon's ship was on it's way to take part in a war the
Kargon's where involved with in a distant part of the galaxy. All you need
to know about the war is that it's a rather silly war that had started,
rather ironically, because of a rather innocent and stupid accident caused
at some stuffy shirt luncheon. One thing lead to another, and as is
usually the norm for most diplomatic incidents a rather simple event lead
to the throws of wars and millions of innocent lives were lost because
said diplomat got his sandwich sliced diagonally instead of vertically.
Thus said accident was the reason one Kargon warship was in a rather plain
sector of space, ready to fight a war for the honor of some snooty
diplomat who just couldn't leave well enough alone. 

It was in this plain sector of space where another rather plain and silly
accident happened. A rather bored navigation officer was working late one
night at his terminal when quite by accident he spilled his frothy hot
beverage of Quallon onto the navigation computer. Needless to say the
navigation computer did not enjoy the hot beverage, and proceded to spark
as the Quallon slowly covered it's motherboard. The end result of said
accident was a 24 hour rapid repair job, during which the rather
inebriated navigation computer (it is a little known fact that most
navigation computers have a low tolerance to Quallon) proceded to move the
ship on a rather eratic course. The final destination being a rather
unimpressive system devoid of any intelligent life and more importantly
lacking the opponents the Kargon's were supposed to be fighting. 

Still, as is normal procedure for all Kargon miltary ships, the battle
computer ran a threat anaylsis on the unimpressive system. And to the
shock of most everyone on board the ship who thought the system was a
rather wussy system the computer came to one conclusion. It was 'Great
Danger...RUN AWAY...WE WILL BE DESTROYED!!!'. 

A rather puzzled Captain looked at the message and laughed accordingly,
how could a system so mind numbingly boring as this stand in the way of a
mighty Kargon war ship. Still his curosity was piqued, and the captain did
wonder why his computer had such a great fear of the pathetic place. 

So he quickly checked in with his superiors on Kargon Prime, reported his
cordinates and stated that he was investigating a local anomaly (which his
superiors translated as 'Ship is going crazy, going to kill some yokels
for fun'). Slowly the shiped moved into the system, and broadcasted a
message back home saying that it had reached the first planet in the
system and that all was going well except for the all night party that
just wouldn't stop. 

It was the last message the ship ever broadcasted.
Which rather puzzled the warlords on Kargon Prime, who knew that the
system said warship entered should of been destroyed by now. Or at least
turned into a Kargon amusement park. But instead the ship just dissapeared
into thin air. The Kargon's, being curious about this, decided to send a
ship to investigate the system. That ship also dissapeared without a
trace. So the Kargon's sent yet more ships to the system, and they too
also dissapeared. 

Finally after 200 Kargon warships dissapeared someone finally clued in
that something was wrong with the system. That someone also reasoned that 
the system may have the technology to wipe the Kargon's off the face of
the universe or elminate telemarketers. Both of which didn't sit well with
the Kargon's. And so in a momentous day the Kargon empire signed a peace
treaty and ended decades of rather senseless war. Peace was at last
achevied, and the Kargon's celebrated by sending their entire fleet to
fold, spindle, and mutilate that rather annoying system in another
sensless war. 

If only the Kargon's knew what waited for them then perhaps they could of
avoided one of the more senseless and stupid fates in the galaxy...

***** 			

Richard Beaubien Presents

An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Part 1: The Clincal Depression
Meal 

(A Sailor Moon/Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy Crossover..)

*****

There are two problems with being the guardian of time. 

One of the problems is Birthday parties, nobody really knows how many
candles to put on the cake. One time over 500 candles was placed on
Setsuna's cake, which promplty lead to a visit from the local fire
department. That and Setsuna had the knack of reciving the same gifts over
and over again. For example during the party she had in 1975 she picked up
a pair of platform shoe's that she poleitly wore once and then tossed out,
never to be worn again. But at her party in 1993 she recieved the
exact same pair of platform shoe's again, only this time she just tossed
them out immediately. 

The second problem is a more annoying one, at least it is for Setsuna.
It's the problem with vacations, in that every single vacation Setsuna
ever had was interupted by some major disturbance in time and space. And
thus Setsuna had to go and save time but miss the rather scrumptious
buffet at the restuarnt. Oh sure she could go back to time she left and
continue the vacation, but a vacation does lose it's luster after you've
slain over 100 random monsters over 5 day's of one's vacation. 

All in all this rather frustrated Setsuna, who was looking to have a
perfectly normal vacation for once. But she really couldn't do that with
all of this guardian of time stuff hanging over her head. What she need
was a temp, somebody to take the role of Sailor Pluto while she had a nice
3 month vacation. 
No make that 6 months...

Of course most temp agencies didn't have any fill in senshi, and unlike
the other senshi she didn't have a replacement ready to step in and take
over the family business. 

Not that anyone would want to, for Sailor Pluto was always at the bottom
of all the 'Which Senshi would you like to be Poll' held in Crystal Tokyo.
Even Hotaru was number one once in the poll, mostly because people thought
her glaive was rather 'Froody' as they put it. But nobody wanted to be the
guardian of time, nobody wanted to guard the time gates or take care of
the messy things like a time pardox or new dimensions popping up. They all
thought it was rather boring really, not as exciting as turning your
average rubber suited monster into a pile of subautomic particles. 

Yet Setsuna liked her job, liked it alot. She enjoyed mucking around in
time, enjoyed caring around her time staff. And she enjoyed being
mysterious and vague with people when she wanted something done, even if
it was only picking up a litre of milk. 
She just wanted one thing...
She wanted to have a vacation without being interrupted. 

Which lead Setsuna to the University of Crystal Tokyo Libaray and
Velodrome. There she began to look around for any bit's of info on a
succesor for Sailor Pluto, someone who would take over the job like she
did way back when. Her search turned up nothing in the libary, and thus
Setsuna left rather dejected. 

That is until she walked into the Velodrome quite by accident. Sulking,
she turned and saw a rather important piece of paper. In big Kana letters
it said 'Replacement Sailor Pluto: How to make one and Ingridents
required'. 

A look of pure glee overtook Setsuna as she picked the paper up, causing
the racing cyclists to run into each other. Setsuna quickly used her time
key to dissapear as the enraged cyclists started to yell at her.

But Setsuna didn't care.

Thanks to a completly innocent accident Setsuna was able to find a way to
go on her dream vacation. All she needed to do was find a replacment
Sailor Pluto. And Setsuna already had a perfect person in mind...

*****

The discovery of the theroy of accidents was itself an accident.

A pure stroke of luck really, as the Physics department of the University
of Womponging was known for many things except exellence in science. The
fact that it shared a building with the department of Gelatin and Jam was
one of the major clues that the physics department was not all up to
snuff. 

But it discovered, quite by accident, the Theory of accident's. 

The Theory of accidents states that everything in the universe happens by
accident. The falling of the apple on Newton's head was an accident, the
fact that life exists on Zolar Zeta is an accident. The fact that a lonely
atom collides with another lonely atom to create an molecule is also an
accident. Simply stated, the theory of accidents states that there is no
order to the universe. Everything happens purely by accident in the
universe. 

Needless to say students loved this theory, saving minutes of valuable
test time by answering every question with 'It happend by accident'. The
people who wrote and made all of the law's of the universe however scoffed
at the theory. They stated that everything followed an order, and the
apple fell because of gravity and not just by some cosmic accident (though
they did concide that life on Zolar Zeta was an accident...). 

However the Law's of the universe theory lost all of it's popular support
when, quite by accident, all of the supporters of this theory spontenously
combusted at the last universal Physics council meeting.   

And so by yet another accident, the Theory of accidents became the Theory
of which the Universe worked on. 

*****

There weren't many skills need to be a restuarant critic, especially if
you where one for the 'Galatic Cuisine Guide and Coster' publication. All
one really needed was a simple vocabulary and a love of food. 

Ford Perfect had the simple vocabulary, but he didn't have the love of 
food. In fact one could write down his entire list of favorite food's on
the front of your average resturant napkin. Still for some weird reason
Ford Perfect was able to get a job at the Galatic cuisine Guide and
Costert, and was sent on what was thought to be one of the worst
assignments in the Galaxy. 

Thought to be the worst, until it was found out that the Earth possesed
the cheapest prices in the world on Qwatlon Polock. In fact the price was
so cheap that Ford was able to eat it every night and even got a toy with
it. It was the best Qwatlon Polock in the Galaxy, though Ford prefered to
call it by it's Earth name, the 'Happy Meal'. 

It made Ford very Happy in dead, so happy that he was able to keep his job
despite his gross incomptence in it. 

Always making sure to mention the joy's of the local Happy meal (which he
made sure to mention was avalible almost everywhere), he almost single
handly put down every other single dish in the world.

Like in England, he called Fish and Chip's 'The most cruel thing in the
world to do. Not to the fish, but to the eater who has to eat the vile
thing.' Or in China where he aptly called a stir fry 'A novel way to eat
fried food, except that having your fried chicken go in circles as you eat
still doesn't improve the taste of the dish'. 

It goes without saying that Ford was very incomptent at his job. Yet he
still kept it, perhaps because his expense account was the lowest of all
the staff. Or perhaps because he kept on plugging the happy meal, which
managed to make everyone very happy. 

Right now Ford was working on a right up on Sushi, and was slowly
pondering on a way to write up the dish of raw fish without making the
process of eating a still fresh and whole fish sound too disgusting.
Flying off to Japan to do his research, one of the first things he
commented on was the relative high price of the Happy meals. 

He also made sure not to visit any Sushi resturant in case he had to eat a
whole Salmon with a side dish of rice. That was not on his list of things
to do in Japan, a list which consisted of eating a happy meal at every
McDonalds and rating them and pretty much nothing else beyond looking at
the neon signs. 

He was working on said review when he decided to check on the local
scanner. A small blip flashed on it and a big smile hit his face. It
wasn't often that a ship came past here and Ford hoped to use it to travel
home. Because while Happy meals where all good and such, nothing could
beat the home cooking of mom. 

Besides Ford wanted a Vacation. A long vacation....

A Second blip flashed across the scanner...
Followed by another.
And Another.
And Still yet Another...

All in told about 1000 blips flashed across the screen, each one hovering
in orbit around Pluto. A small chill went down Ford's spine.

He wasn't going to be able to hitch a ride home with these guy's...

****

Osaka Naru was having a bad day. 
Not just any bad day mind you, but one of those once in a lifetime bad
day's that everyone get's. Oh sure one can argue that Naru could see worse
day's, and that she should look at the bright side of things. 

But then it was hard to find the bright side of having two plant like
objects sticking out of the shoulder of the man you love. Or three rather
insane monsters laughing at you as you try to remove said floral objects
from the man. 

Still Naru was slowly moving them out, much to the suprise of the
monsters. Maybe things would work out, maybe just maybe they could go have
the parfait like they planned to. And live happily ever after...

Of course this being a bad day things didn't work out as planned. The
Three Youma let lose an attack at Naru and bravely Nephrite took it for
her. 
Or was going to take it for her.

The attack never did hit him, it just hung slowly in the air. Naru looked
on puzzled as both the attack and Nephrite remained frozen. In fact
everythign remained frozen. 
Everthying except her and a girl in a Sailor Fuku. 

No, not a girl. It looked more like a young woman than a girl, and it
wasn't a senshi she had ever seen before since none of the one's had long
Green tinted hair or a staff. Still if this one could help her.

"Hello Naru-chan"
"Please, Help him...You must"
"I can't"
Naru blinked, a senshi refusing to help someone. Wasn't it their job to
help people. "But..."
"I'm afraid I can't help him. It's against my duty."
"But he need's help...And I can't help him!!" Naru became even more
panicked, looking at just how close the attack was to hitting the person
she loved. 

"There is a way," 
"How?"
"I can give you senshi powers," the lips of the senshi took on a bit of a
smile as finished the statement. 
"Really...But.." Naru looked at Nephrite, eye's full of care for her. She
need to do something to repay that look. Needed to do something to save
him. "I'll do it. What do I do?"

"Just grab the end of the staff.."

A small pale glow came from the staff as Naru touched it, the glow slowly
surronding her. Her clothes began to dissapear, to be replaced by the
outfit the mysterious senshi was wearing. And in her hands rested and
exact copy of her staff. 

A small smile came across her face, she had the power to stop this. She
could save Nephrite. She could do...
Could do...

The smile qucikly turned into frown as Naru-Pluto quickly wapped
Setsuna-Pluto in the head with her staff. "ARGH!!! I can't save him
because it will muck up the time stream!!!!"

"Well I never said you could," Setsuna-pluto added carefully placing a
good distance between herself and her new apprentice, "I just said I'd
give you Senshi powers." 

"Sod off" Naru-Pluto added, mentally running through a host of devious
tricks to play on Setsuna. 

And if it wasn't clinched before it was clinched now. This was the
absloute worst day of her life. Period....

			To Be Continued.....

						Maybe...

Timeline info: Setsuna here is from the end of the Stars timeline, whereas
Naru is from the first season. Nothing really big comes from this, but I'd
thought I point it out anyway...

Still don't know If I will do more of this as I find it hard to write in
this style. I hope it works, and if it doesn't well then you can just Sod
off....:)

Comments are welcome...

Ja ne!!

Richard Beaubien
----------------
Matsunaga Mikage "Chemistry Forever!!!"

Fanfic homepage http://www.anime.usacomputers.net/~beaubird