Mina-san, Ohayou!
On Sat, 6 Dec 1997, Talswapper wrote:
: A few thoughts on DOH, which was a blast to read:
It was, at that. I've read the shorter versions several times,
but it was still great to re-read it, looking for changes and
enjoying the unchanged.
: - the opening made me think that this story was going to be some kind of self-
: parody. The tone seems tongue-in-cheek, and the physical appearance of the
: monster was a little too "Hollywood."
Perhaps, but at least it was not kept as vague as in earlier
drafts.
: Adding a sense of foreboding to the
: scene might diminish the shock value of what follows, but it might be
: appropriate to make the monster more disturbing. A human form, with human
: death throes, could fit the bill.
Perhaps. But the monster is really but the MacGuffin to get the
*real* story rolling, thus I can understand a bit of negligence
here.
: - it's very unusual for a woman to do any non-emergency flying in the late
: stages of pregnancy, particularly transoceanic flights. Airlines typically
: have policies against it, for the obvious reason that getting on a long flight
: when you're due any day is pretty risky. Since it's not important to the
: story for Ranma-TOP to have been in Australia, it would be sensible to keep
: her travels domestic.
Hmmm. I can see how this would seem somewhat unrealistic, but it
adds a great deal to the sense of symmetry that pervades the
story. I'd be loath to see it go. Also, wasn't her pregnancy one
of the *reasons* she attended the conference? I forget.
: - the scene featuring Akane-TOP really freaked me out. First of all, it
: seemed a very ignoble thing for her to do, putting Ranma through all that pain
: for her own benefit.
Perhaps. But it was still a very necessary confrontation. Even
if she did it all for her own sake (which I don't believe) and
even if it had not helped Ranma figuring out what to do, it would
still have been necessary. Akane is far to big a part of TILma's
life for him not to meet her counterpart at least once. Without
this scene the story would lack something vital.
: The insightful "gift" she gives him in return strikes me
: as unnecessary. Ranma-TIL is a few years into his mystical-troubleshooting
: career. His instincts and problemsolving skills should have by now developed
: at least to the point where he could figure out for himself the value of
: "going back to where it all started."
I don't really think so. I got the impression that this was still
rather early in his troubleshooting career, and given his
character, it came as no surprise to me that he needed a sounding
board to figure out what to do next. It could have been Kentaro
or his father, or anyone - but it was Akane, and that's okay with
me.
: Secondly, beginning in The Nature of
: Love, Akane-TOP became terribly verbose, her moments in the spotlight reading
: like scholarly essays. She hasn't gotten over this little problem yet.
Heh, yes, she came down with LLSS (Lawson's Longwided Speech
Syndrome), and it has become chronic. A little breaking up the
speech with reaction shots and small responses works wonders,
usually. One only has to remind Richard of it. :)
: - I was gratified that the two Ranmas were able to meet and fight side-by-
: side. But I wonder if you couldn't do something more with such an incredible
: scene, in which a person converses with himself. Might not such a
: conversation sound much more unusu? Maybe there would be a lot of finishing
: each other's sentences. Perhaps the two would speak with a kind of
: "shorthand," communicating complex ideas with spare words.
No. One of the *points* of the fic is that the two Ranma's are
very different, even though they are the same person. Shorthand
communication or finishing each other's sentences would not be
possible.
: The reference to a
: significant, secret memory was a nice touch. Stay with that a little more:
: perhaps Ranma-TOP could mention other memories as "evidence" for her case, but
: do so in a shorthand manner (i.e., no explanations for the benefit of the
: audience).
*That* is a *good* suggestion. TOPma could be throwing out
examples, which TILma has to admit each time, with increasing
agitation.
TOPma: The Lamp Festival.
TILma: Yes.
TOPma: The Take-out Food Race.
TILma: Okay!
TOPma: The Ice-cream parlor
TILma: All Right!
TOPma: The Beach.
TILma: I couldn't help that!
TOPma: [smiles] But you *did* enjoy it.
TILma: [pauses; quietly] Yeah. I did.
: It might also be interesting to replace, in this scene, the
: individual-perspective narrative that is typical of Lawson fics, with
: something that captures both their perspectives, or neither's.
Both may be a bit tricky if he doesn't want to get confusing, and
neither would be a bit too remote for such an involving scene.
Most of all, it is TILma who is forced to gain some personal
insight in this scene, thus I think that the symmetry must be
sacrificed at this point in favour of some introspection into him.
: Everything else flowed very nicely for me. I especially appreciated the scene
: featuring Ranma's parents and Ranko.
I loved thatone. The flow could be a bit better, though,
particularly in the order of scenes around that point.
Sebastian