[The camera swings into the Mental Library(tm), where our three intrepid
reviewers are playing with a shareware graphics program.]
Tommy: How 'bout this disk? (looks up) Oh, hi, y'all. Our dorm hall is
decorating by painting people's fav cartoon characters outside everyone's
doors-
Cerina: -and we're tryin' to help our author decide what she wants to
paint.
LilTigre: So far we've got it narrowed down between a SD Kusanagi and a
full-sized version of the same. It's a hard choice- (computer beeps) Hey,
guys, it's a fic to review. Let's get started!
On Sun, 7 Dec 1997, Lord Archive wrote:
Ranma 1/2: The Insanity Continues
Presents
Volume 1 - Trapped
Chapter 4 - Meet Mr. and Mrs. Saotome. (1)
By: Lord Archive
This chapter contains a couple sexual references and innuendoes, but I do
not consider it even Lemon-Scented.
LilTigre: How 'bout Orange-scented?
-------------------------------------------------
Ranma and Nabiki made their way into the dojo. It was packed. There were
so many people there, that some of the guests could not get seats. Ranma
wondered how some of them even got there. He didn't remember greeting
Pantyhose Taro nor the Gambler King at the gate. He didn't even remember
inviting them. Ranma nervously made his way up to the minister. He saw
that Nabiki was greeting some of the guests, the ones most likely to
cause trouble. She handed each of them a card. Each of the recipients
looked rather upset as they read the cards, as each card offered a
personalized threat of what would happen if they stopped the wedding.
Tommy: Good ol' Nabs, preparing for anything.
After the final card was delivered, Nabiki signaled Genma to start
playing the wedding march on the rented sound system.
(Cerina digs up a MIDI of the wedding march and starts playing it.)
Ranma thought, <This is it.> He took a deep breath. <Stay calm. Don't
screw this up. Practice being a 'soul of ice.'> (2)
Cerina: (looking ahead to the footnotes) Hmmm.... hope Akane doesn't get
pissed... he'll involuntarily pull a Hiryuu Shoten Ha on her.
Ranma's eyes lost focus on everything but Akane. <She is so cute,> was
the only coherent thought he had during the time it took Akane to walk
across the dojo. He barely registered the minister's words at the start
of the ceremony.
The minister began, "Who is it that gives away the bride?"
Soun bowed slightly. His voice was unusually calm, "I do."
Tommy: I'm surprised he hasn't flooded the dojo by now.
LilTigre: Kasumi slipped him some Valium before the start, I bet.
The minister continued, "We are gathered here today, to witness this man
and this woman join in the bonds of holy matrimony. Brought together by
kami, love, and... an arrangement by meddling fathers?"
All: (snicker)
Ranma registered this phrase and looked at the minister with
bewilderment. Akane giggled and whispered to Ranma, "Nabiki added some
special touches."
Cerina: Figures....
Ranma sighed and attempted to regain control and have a 'soul of ice.'
Akane was thankful that Nabiki added those special touches. Akane felt
that was just what she needed something to help keep her from becoming
too nervous and make some kind of mistake.
The minister shook his head and said, "Let no man..."
Tommy: Uh oh....
A man interrupted, "I am Draco, a prince of an ancient kingdom, and I
have come to wed this woman of great power." He finished his statement
by pointing at Akane, and the guests gasped in shock. Ranma responded
with chi blast that sent Draco out the door and knocked him out cold.
LilTigre: (waving) Bye-bye, Draco-san!
Minister continued nervously, "...woman..."
A woman's voice interrupted, "I can not allow this wedding to take place,
for I am promised to Ranma by an arrangement made by my father and
Saotome Genma."
To which Genma big sweats while Ranma, Akane, and many of the guests
scowled at him. Nodoka touched the hilt of her katana.
Ukyou said angrily, "Sit down, shut up, and join the Ranma ex-fiancee
club. You're member number 4 or 5."
Tommy: Support group meets at 5pm on Wednesdays.
The minister, becoming very nervous, squeaked, "...beast..."
A dragon stuck his head and some of his neck through the doorframe and
said, "Ah, there is a lot of fresh meat here." The guests shook in
fright.
Cerina: Ah, another of my distant family...
Before the dragon could strike, a group of old bald guys shouted, "Get
it. It's a dragon with hair."
The dragon looked at the old men and screeched, "Oh no! Not them." The
dragon flew off, chased by the bald men. Some of the late arrivals sat
down at the seats the old men previously sat at. (3)
Cerina: (again looking at the footnotes) Guys, remind me never to visit
Japan.
LilTigre: Nani?
(Cerina suddenly begins glowing and reverts into a shimmering dragom with
LOTS of hair.)
LilTigre: Oh.
Tommy: (snicker)
The minister, with huge sweat-drops on his head, gasped, "...demon..."
A monstrous black demon climbed out of a hole that opened in the middle
of the dojo and yelled, "Your souls shall be mine!"
Kuno attacked it with a glowing sword that formed in his hand at the
appearance of the demon, and announced, "By honor and by rights, I, Kuno
Tatewaki, must uphold the family duty to cleanse this world of all
demons." That said, Kuno word split the demon into two pieces. The demon
and sword disappeared. Everyone stared at him in shock.
Tommy: I guess Kuno isn't worthless after all.
cerina: Does this refer to another fic? Somehow it seems familiar...
The minister was very pale and muttered, "nor any other living..."
A small girl bounded into the dojo and shouted, "Marie, give Marie back
to Azusa!" She pulled on Ranma's suit and then noticed Ryoga and
screeched, "Charlotte!" Ryoga booted Azusa out of the dojo.
All: (cheer)
Minister was white as a ghost and stammered, "or unliving being..."
A gray humanoid phantom creature appeared next to Ranma, and Gosunkugi
whispered, "Kill him." Akane saw it and punched at the phantom but
screamed in pain as she connected. Gosunkugi, horrified at her scream,
dispelled his only success at magic to date.
LilTigre: Get a life, Gos.
"...put asunder the bonds that tie these two together," the minister
continued as he thought, <What is going on? This should not be possible!
And some of these people aren't even fazed. The lines, it must be the
lines. This is the last time I do personalized ceremonial vows.> He
proceeded to forget what just happened and said, "Saotome Ranma, do you
take Tendo Akane to be your lawfully wedded wife. Through sickness and in
health, for richer or for poorer, to save her from KIDNAPPINGS?... ahh,
until death do you part?"
All: ROTFL!
"I do," Ranma replied with a grin.
Ranma's grin quickly turned into a look of shock and anger when he heard
Ryoga say "I do" from behind him. He turned and scowled at Ryoga, as
Akane and Akari gave Ryoga the evil eye. The guests that had not lost
their mind yet looked either disgusted, angry, or confused.
Cerina: Ass.
Tommy: No, pig. He didn't fall in Spring of Drowned Donkey.
(Cerina whaps Tommy with her ever-present naginata.)
Ryoga shrank back, meekly saying, "Gomen nasai, sorry."
LilTigre: You should be.
The minister turned to Akane and said, "Tendo Akane, do you take Saotome
Ranma to be your lawfully wedded husband. Through sickness and in heath,
for richer and for poorer, as a man and... a... WOMAN?... eh... until
death do you part?"
Akane giggled, "I do."
Tommy: BWA HA HA HA! Good one, Nabs!
Akane saw Ranma scowl at Nabiki. The guests were completely confused,
numb and/or shocked at proceedings. If anyone had looked at Ukyou, they
would notice that she mouthed an, "I do".
LilTigre: Poor Ucchan. Love hurts, though.
Ranma, finally gaining the 'soul of ice,' responded, "With this ring, I
thee wed."
The minister continued, "To love, to cherish, and to encourage without
insult, from this day forth."
Cerina: Hmmm.... wonder if he can keep that promise.
"To love, to cherish, and to encourage without insult, from this day
forth." Ranma rather meekly said with the 'without insult' part as he
gently pushed the ring up Akane's finger.
"To love, to honor, and to listen to him before bludgeoning, from this
day forth," continued the minister.
Cerina: Now THAT is much-needed.... wonder if she can keep that promise,
too.
Minister thought, <Just ignore it, and you'll be happier.> He then said,
"If there is any one here who has reason for these two people not to be
wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." The minister looked up from
the reading the customized wedding vows. He emitted an, "Eep," as he
noticed Ranma glowing with a battle aura with a look that said, "You
speak, you die." Akane didn't notice as she cast a similar gaze to the
guests that said, "Don't you dare." The guests were either confused,
scared, or unmoved.
LilTigre: =^^=;;
The minister said nervously, "Ahh, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride."
Ranma leaned forward and kissed Akane for what seemed an eternity.
Minister finished, "It is my, ahh, pleasure to present Mr. and Mrs.
Saotome. All right, where is the sake. I need a drink." Those guests that
retained some of their mind cheered.
Tommy: He's gonna need all the sake he can get.
Ranma and Akane finally ended their kiss. <Yatta,> Ranma and Akane
thought in unison as they stared into each other's face.
Cerina: A Sailor Moon phrase? Ok.....
Nabiki asked, "All right let's get a couple photos of you two kissing."
They started to kiss again. Nabiki took only a couple photos before she
pulled out a water gun from hiding and shot Ranma in the back of the
head. Several guests were shocked to see Ranma shrink and turn into a
girl. Many of them just lost their mind completely. Ranma apparently did
not notice until he heard a commotion from the guests.
Tommy: O_O;;;;
Cerina: Heh. Knew that was coming.
Akane's grandmother screeched, "What is going on here?"
Various students of Furinkan High cheered.
Kodachi stammered, "Where did Ranma go?"
Kuno replied, "The pig-tailed girl is the vile deceiver, Saotome Ranma."
Kodachi asked in shock, "What? How can this be?"
Makido also in shock asked, "You don't mean that she is really a guy?"
LilTigre: That's "Mikado," dear.
Kuno replied to Makido, "That is precisely what the great Kuno Tatewaki
means."
Makido responded, "Eh... Excuse me." as a green hue covered Makido's
face, as he got up and ran out the dojo.
All: (snicker)
Minister shouted, "Kami-sama! Where is that sake!"
Akane's grandfather said, "Let me join you." A number of guests, some of
whom don't drink, nodded in agreement to join in.
Cerina: They're playing the Ranma 1/2 drinking game!
Ranma broke off from his kiss as he suddenly realized he was now a she.
She felt the water in her hair and turned to see that Nabiki was the
culprit.
Ranma screamed, "What ya do that for!?" She moved toward Nabiki, but was
held back by her collar by Akane.
All: Kill! Kill!
Ranma said, "We'll get someone to explain this. Can we get the photos
done with?"
Several more photos were taken, some with the wedding party. Then another
spray of water came from the guests. This time it hit Ryoga. Everyone
gasped in amazement either at the best man made best pig or the person
with the water gun.
Akane gasped, "Kasumi!"
Tommy: Kasumi's not as innocent as she looks, is she?
Kasumi said meekly, "Gomen, I just wanted to do that for such a long
time."
All: So have we!
Kasumi answered, "Because father saw him as a means to see how much Ranma
cared for you. If Ranma was jealous of P-Chan, all was well. If not, he
had to come up with a plan to get you together again. I did not agree
with it, but I had promised."
Cerina: So Soun just let a guy sleep with his daughter? Some father...
Ranma said, "We should take some pictures with P-Chan." She picked up
P-Chan and handed him to Akane and posed for a couple more shots. Ranma
then asked, "Have enough pictures yet?"
Nabiki replied, "I guess."
Gosunkugi asked, "Um, could I get one of you two kissing... as you are
now?"
LilTigre: Hentai.
Ranma thought, "If Nabiki wants the photo, she'll get the photo- no
matter how much it would hurt me. Besides, I really don't mind kissing
Akane."
Ranma kissed Akane once again, but for the first time, starting it as a
girl. She felt a little self-conscious at first but soon went into a
passionate kiss as she noticed Akane had no apprehensions about it.
Ranma asked, "You really don't mind the curse do you?"
Akane whispered, "Nope. I fell in love with you, not your body. Besides,
it means we can have lots more fun later." She gave him a wink.
All: (mass facefault) O_O;;;;;;;;;;
Tables and chairs had been set up outside. All those involved in
preparing the wedding gave thanks to kami for the unusually warm and
pleasant weather.
Ranma said, "This day seems so perfect."
Akane responded, "Yes, it seems like some higher being planned on us
being married today."
Cerina: The question is, which one?
"Yeah, well I thought the wedding would have more problems, especially
with so many uninvited guests."
"More problems?" Akane screeched.
"Yeah. Everything that showed up only lasted a couple seconds."
"Anything worse and the wedding might have been stopped," she said with a
tinge of anger.
"Maybe I just wanted to protect Tendo Akane a bit more. After all I've
got a lifetime to protect Saotome Akane," he said with a grin.
Tommy: (rolls his eyes)
Cerina & LilTigre: Awwww...
They broke it off when they heard someone clear their throat. Cologne and
Shampoo stood before them.
Cerina: Kuso.
Cologne said, "Congratulations Akane, you've won a very difficult
battle for Ranma's heart."
"Um, thanks." she replied.
"For this victory, I feel you have earned the right to be an honorary
member of the Amazon tribe."
LilTigre: Hey, cool! Lifetime membership, free passes to Jyusenkyo...
Shampoo screamed, "NO! Akane deserve no such honor. Great-grandmother
only make tomboy Amazon to save face."
Cologne scowled at Shampoo and said, "Now, calm down granddaughter, you
know Akane has shown Amazon spirit in the past. It is only fitting that
the one who married Ranma be an Amazon if not blood, then in name."
Tommy: Cologne's gonna get Ranma into the Amazons any way she can, isn't
she?
(The others nod.)
Cologne responded, "The only thing that will be asked of Akane is that
she tries to live by our laws and if the Amazon tribe is in trouble, she
will come and help."
LilTigre: (as Cologne)... and sacrifice your first kid to us, but hey,
that's not much to ask, is it?
Akane replied, "I don't know about following the laws, but if you need
help, I'll be there."
Ranma added, "No. We'll be there."
Cologne smiled a devilish grin and said, "That is all I could really ask
for. Thank you." She bowed to the couple.
Cerina: They're going to regret it.
A moment later, Ranma's grandparents arrived, followed by Nodoka with her
hand on her Katana.
Grandpa Saotome said nervously, "Ah... Congratulations. Wish we could
stay longer, but we, ah, need to be somewhere else." He cast a worried
glance toward Nodoka.
Tommy: The katana's a subtle hint, huh?
Grandma Saotome bowed and said, "Congratulation. I wish you all the best.
I would like you to consider teaching your children in the family art."
Nodoka replied, "They will teach them the family art of Anything Goes
Martial Arts."
Ranma nodded and said, "Yes."
Ranma nervously said, "Um... They practice the art of um... thievery."
Akane rolled her eyes and said, "Oh great."
Cerina: Now they'll have to install a metal detector should the thieves
return.
Ukyou ran out of the dojo, followed by Konatsu. They ran past Ranma and
Akane and went upstairs. Ukyou went into Nabiki's room and locked the
door behind her.
Konatsu asked, "Ukyou are you all right?"
Ukyou replied, "No. I can't take much more of this. I... I want to go
home."
LilTigre: Poor Ucchan.
Cerina: You said that earlier.
LilTigre: So?
"Okay, we'll go home now."
Ukyou screamed, "We'll leave as soon as I get out of this damn dress."
Akane and Ranma arrived upstairs. Konatsu answered the worried looks of
the newlyweds with his own.
Ranma asked, "What's wrong?"
Konatsu replied, "Today has been too much for her. We'll be leaving as
soon as she finished changing."
Ranma asked, "Ucchan are you okay?"
Ukyou exited Nabiki's room, her tux had been put on in haste and stated,
"I'm not okay Ranma, and please call me Ukyou for now. That other name
reminds me of too much."
Tommy: This whole Ukyou thing reminds me of that girl in Les Miserables.
A couple hours passed as the guests listened to the stories of some of
the events that occurred in the past year and a half. Ranma and Akane
recovered a little from their encounter with Ukyou. During this time some
of the guests congratulated the newlyweds. After the stories were told
the guests proceeded to make for the food, and the dojo was converted
into a dance hall. The minister had been sent home, completely drunk.
All: We wonder why....
Mousse nervously approached Shampoo and said, "Shampoo, my love. May I
have the pleasure of this dance?"
"I believe that is Shampoo," Yuka replied, giggled while she pointed at
the purple-haired amazon. Mousse pulled his glasses to his eyes.
LilTigre: Figures.
Mousse meekly said, "Sorry." He went over to Shampoo, now actually
wearing his glasses, and asked, "Shampoo, my love. May I have the
pleasure of this dance?"
Shampoo screamed her reply, "NO! Shampoo will not dance with blind
duck-boy. Shampoo rather be killed by dog!"
Cerina: Then can I have him?
Mousse pleaded, "But my love, I am training under Ranma so that I can
earn the right to be your husband. "
Shampoo yelled, "Mousse have no right to be Shampoo's husband. Right
belongs to man who defeats Shampoo in battle. And Mousse is no man!"
Mousse stated, "I shall prove myself to you."
Shampoo continued her rant, "No way can duck prove he man. Duck only good
for being dinner. Mousse annoy Shampoo anymore, Shampoo cook Mousse."
When Shampoo finished her statement, she grabbed Mousse and threw him
through the dojo wall and into the koi pond. She glared at two guys who
watched the one sided argument and demanded, "What boys looking at?"
Tommy: How? Any hot liquid'll turn him human, unless she's a...
cannibal...
All: EWWWWWWWWWW!
Hiroshi and Daisuke replied, "Oh... nothing."
"Quack. Quack," was heard from the pond.
Chibi-Ms. Hinako grinned, pulled out a five yen coin, and said, "Now that
is not the way for a guest to behave at a wedding. Happo Five-Yen Shatsu."
Cerina: For once, that psycho does something decent.
Dr. Tofu did not notice anything. He was busy as he tried to build up
enough courage and self-control to ask Kasumi to dance.
Kasumi approached and said, "Hello Dr. Tofu."
Dr. Tofu stuttered, "Ka... Kasumi... ah, hi. Nice day isn't it."
Tommy: Smooth going, Romeo.
Kasumi replied, "Oh my, yes. A perfect day for a wedding."
Dr. Tofu's glasses started to get covered by steam. "Kasumi... would
you... ah, like to... ah..." he attempted to say as he tentatively
stretched out his hand toward the dance floor..
Kasumi took the hint and said, "Dance? I'd love to."
Kasumi led the nervous doctor to the dance floor and began to dance. The
entire time Dr. Tofu barely remained in control, while Kasumi smiled.
Kasumi stated with a smile, "Thank you for the dance."
"You... You're welcomed. Hehe..." he said as his control snapped. He
began to dance away merrily, shouting, "She danced with me! She danced
with me!" The young doctor continued his dance of joy through the dojo
wall, over the wall fence, and into streets. Kasumi frowned at the sight.
Kasumi said sadly, "And he was doing so well."
LilTigre: Well, it's some progress, anyway....
Soun decided now was the time to give Ranma and Akane
their wedding present. He got all the guests into the dojo and then
brought Ranma and Akane in. Soun and Genma were standing next to
something covered by a sheet.
Cerina: I hope it's not that damn katana. It's bad luck to give something
sharp to a new bride & groom.
Soun shouted, "May I please have your attention?"
LilTigre: Him, shout? OK.....
The guests quieted down.
Soun began to speak, "This day has been a long time coming. An
arrangement, that was made nearly twenty years ago, for the purpose of
joining the Tendo clan and the Saotome clan, has finally happened on this
joyful day."
Soun cried tears of joy as Genma continued the speech, "Now that Ranma
and Akane are married, they shall carry on the Anything Goes School of
Martial Arts, as shall their children."
Soun regained his composition and then continued, "As the heirs to our
illustrious school of martial arts, it is my pleasure to give them the
Tendo dojo and home."
Genma removed the sheet to reveal two signs. One stated Saotome Dojo, and
the other Saotome. Ranma, Akane, and many of the guests were stunned.
Soun returned to cry for joy.
Tommy: Cool!
Cerina: Quit drooling, Tommy. You can get your own dojo someday.
Ranma final spoke, "The house is ours?!"
Genma replied, "Yes."
Ranma and Akane could not grasp the idea. The dojo and the house belonged
to them.
Nabiki added, "And don't worry to much about the expenses. Along with the
house comes a small amount of money and some stocks in Nerima
Construction Industries. That should be enough to handle most of your
expenses for at least a couple years. Of course you realize that it's our
turn to freeload off you, Ranma."
LilTigre: (sigh) Nabs never changes, does she?
Ranma stuttered, "Um... right. Money advice." Eager to change subjects,
he stated, "I guess we should throw the bouquet and garter now."
A few of the guests cheered their approval. Genma moved the signs out of
the way.
Cerina: The party begins!
Akane shouted, "All right. Girls first. All you single girls get into the
middle of the dojo."
Shampoo inquired, "What's going on?"
Cologne answered, "It's an odd western contest. I want you to win this."
Shampoo nodded and joined the mass of girls.
Akane turned her back to the girls and said, "Ready? 1... 2... 3..."
Akane launched the bouquet over her shoulder. Kodachi and Shampoo jumped
above the girls. Kodachi let loss her ribbon and attempted to snare the
bouquet that was nearly in Shampoo's hands. The ribbon missed its target
and wrapped itself around Shampoo's arms. This prevented Shampoo from
grabbing the bouquet, which landed unmolested into the hands of Kasumi.
"Oh my," Kasumi said as she blushed.
All: Heh....
Ranma shouted, "Okay, guys your turn."
The single guys formed a group in the center. Genma pushed Soun into the
group. Mousse and Ryoga flanked the sides and prepared to snare the
garter.
Tommy: (snicker)
Akane sat on a chair that was placed in front of and yet a fair distance
from the guys. Ranma knelt down in front of her. She stretched out her
leg. Ranma moved his hands teasingly up her leg and under her dress.
After a moment as Ranma blindly groped for the garter, Akane whapped him
on the head and said, "That is not the garter." Many growls were heard
from the assembled men. Ranma quickly found garter after that. He started
to pull it off.
Akane stopped him. "You're suppose to take it off with your teeth."
Tommy: O_O
(Cerina just shakes her head and sighs.)
Many more growls were heard from the assembled guys.
Ranma smiled nervously as he ducked his head under the dress. Akane
momentarily had an odd look on her face and muttered, "I told you that's
not the garter." The guys, fortunately, did not hear this.
All: O_O;;;;;
The mass of males shot forth in attempts to grab it. Kuno, Ryoga,
Principal Kuno, Mousse, and Pantyhose all leapt for the garter. A wall
exploded and a flash of movement was seen before the dust obscured the
group of men. As the dust settled the guys were in a massive pile wrapped
in chains. Only one guy was standing. That guy looked at the garter in
his hands with a puzzled look. Everyone blinked and looked at the guy, he
had not been there a moment before. His puzzlement ended when he heard
someone call his name.
"Oh my, Dr. Tofu. You're back... and you caught the garter," said Kasumi.
LilTigre: It's fate...
Dr. Tofu turned and saw Kasumi holding the bouquet and stammered, "Yo-you
caught the bouquet?" Kasumi nodded and Dr. Tofu promptly fainted with a
smile on his face.
Tommy: Domestic bliss.... *gag*
(Cerina whaps him again.)
Nodoka approached and said, "Well, it is time for us to go."
Akane chirped, "Go?"
Nodoka replied, "Since we can't give you two a proper honeymoon, we'll
give you run of the house for the next two days. We'll be staying at my
house."
(The girls giggle as Tommy makes retching noises.)
Akane blushed and said, "Thank you. And thanks for the helping with the
wedding."
Nodoka smiled. "It was my pleasure."
Ranma added, "See you in a couple days."
Nodoka hugged Ranma and then Akane.
"Tomorrow, I'll be shopping for a new bed for you two as a wedding
present. I was wondering if you wanted just a larger bed or a futon
couch?" Nodoka asked.
Ranma and Akane looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.
"I guess the futon would be better. It would give us more room," Akane
answered.
Cerina: Oy....
Tommy: Well, I think that just about wraps up evrything. Nice job! A
little mushy, though- urk!
(Cerina creams him with her naginata.)
LilTigre: Keep it up! Lookin' forward to the next part!
[The camera peels back as the group turns back to the computer.]
Jess, the LilTigre =^_^=