Here's the last chapter of Tainted Honor, as I intend to send it to
RAAC. Any last-minute C&C would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks especially to all who commented on the previous version... I took
several of your comments into account when revising.
Note : [] = Chinese
<> = thoughts
*************************
Ryouga kicked a nearby rock in frustration as he stumbled down
the dirt path. He was lost, as usual, yet this place seemed vaguely
familiar to him. On the other hand, it was a simple dirt road; he
had seen hundreds like it in his wanderings, and would likely see
hundreds more. It mattered little where he was, anyway; the one
place that he wanted to be was the one to which he could never again
return.
He had considered other refuges; certainly Akari would have
welcomed him, if he could find her. It had been months, though,
since he had seen her; would she remember him? Even if she did,
what did she know of him? No more than Akane had known . . . and
she was not the one he wanted to see, at any rate. She was no more
an option than any other; he would have to keep wandering.
It was no more than he deserved, he thought as he stared down
at the path before him. For his dishonorable behavior a life
without a home was just reward. He had broken Akane's heart and his
own, and now he must live with the consequences.
The sounds of other people approaching stirred him from his
tortured preoccupation, and he looked up to see that he had entered
a village of some sort. A crowd, mostly composed of women, was
gathering around him. They were speaking Chinese, and he quickly
guessed that he had somehow stumbled across the Joketsuzoku. It took
him only a second longer to realize that he was not welcome. The
crowd advanced upon him threateningly, and he took a step back, not
wanting to fight. Then one of them shoved him backwards, knocking
him to the ground.
Anger flared up inside him as he stood, feeling the power of
his depression rise to his command. Just as he was about to lash
back at his assailant, a commanding and familiar voice cried out
from behind the mob.
[Hold! I know this boy.]
The crowd parted to reveal the owner of that voice, an old and
shrunken lady leaning on her staff for support. Nodding to him, she
greeted, "Hello . . . Ryouga."
He blinked in surprise, and the blue aura dissipated as quickly
as it had come on. "Hello, Cologne."
********************************************************************
******************
"Remember things that hurt and you will know true tenderness.
Never mind. I will fly with scarred wings . . . "
--Oomori Kinuko, "Kizudarake no Wild"
Douglas A. Reeves <dougreeves@earthlink.net> presents the
conclusion . . .
Tainted Honor
A Ranma Nibbunnoichi fanfiction by Douglas A. Reeves
********************************************************************
******************
Chapter Five (of five) - Wandering's End
Ryouga scarcely noticed the villagers' astonished reactions as
he followed Cologne back to her home. It was a rather unassuming
abode for one who wielded such power over her people, he thought;
then again, Cologne had never cared so much for appearance as for
effectiveness. Perhaps it was the wisdom of age; he did not know.
At any rate, he appreciated her hospitality; he had been
wandering for over a week now, and anything resembling civilization
was good to him. When she disappeared for a few minutes, and
returned with tea, he was even more grateful.
"So, how are things with you?" she asked.
"Oh, just fine," he answered hollowly, gazing at the center of
the table between them.
She raised an eyebrow slightly in response. "I see. And how
is the Tendou family?"
He looked up suddenly, "Huh?"
"I understood that you had been spending some time with them
since . . . son-in-law's death."
He blinked. "Yeah, they're doing all right."
She nodded, a gesture that Ryouga thought to be entirely too
perceptive. "So . . . ," she began, her voice suddenly taking on an
inqusitive tone, "what brings you here?"
For a moment, Ryouga froze, the question having struck a nerve
deep within him. He recovered quickly, answering, "You know about
my sense of direction," but it was not enough, and he knew it.
"Don't lie to me." Cologne looked at him wearily. "I've heard
and seen it all in my years." A tone of concern crept into her
voice--something he had neither heard nor expected there before--as
she asked, "How are you really doing, Ryouga?"
"I . . . ," he shook his head, unable to answer.
She nodded sympathetically. "I thought as much. The youngest
of the Tendou family troubles you, does she?"
He nodded miserably. "I told her about P-chan . . . and other
things. She said she never wanted to see me again."
She thought a minute. Her interference had caused no end of
trouble to the girl; now, as her schemes lay in ruin, she had the
chance to help for once. Perhaps . . . "We often say that which we
do not mean. Why don't you tell me the whole story?"
* * * * * * * * *
Tendou Akane closed her eyes, forcefully narrowing her focus to
the next movement as she attemtped to lose herself in the rigorous
kata. Each motion demanded concentration, the devotion of her full
attention to the art. Here she could forget her troubles, and the
pains and angers she knew all too well. Here she could be truly
alone.
With uncommon precision she proceeded through the steps,
technically perfect but rigidly mechanical. There was no beauty, as
there might be; no gentle grace adorned her motion. No emotion and
no passion gave soul to the forms as she passed each one, only
lifelessness remained. Death. Tendou Akane knew all of this, but
she did not care anymore.
At least, that is what she wanted to believe; a part of her
knew better. Nabiki's words again echoed in her mind, begging her
not to lose her soul to the facade. How could she not? The pain
was too much to bear.
Ryouga's revelations had been a crushing blow to her already
wounded heart. She had trusted him so much; he had done so much for
her . . . how could he destroy that? Why did he have to tell her .
. . and why did he have to tell her THEN? She remembered the pain
in his eyes, the clear disgust at what he had done . . . she might
have forgiven him later, but she was still in too much pain. Now it
was far too late.
Shaking her head in silence as she finished the exercise, she
glanced outside the door. Nabiki had been sitting out there
eariler, uncharacteristically quiet, simply staring into the pond.
Surely she had moved by now, though, it had been nearly an hour . .
.
. . . but Akane could see that she had not. Something was
clearly wrong.
Nabiki sat silently, staring into the distorted reflection of
her own gaze, and wondering if she had gone wrong. She had
accomplished her objective; Ryouga had found his sense of honor and
his courage, and he had told Akane the truth. Unfortunately, it had
exploded in all of their faces; Ryouga was gone, his dreams smashed
forever. Akane was devastated, and furthermore she was alone.
Nabiki herself . . . she was forced to witness the consequences of
her meddling, as her sister retreated farther into the mire of
isolation. Was it worse than what she had moved to prevent? She
had been so certain at the time, but now . . .
Akane's voice, unusually tentative, drew her from her
reflections. "Nabiki . . . are you all right?"
Nabiki glanced up to see the concern in her sister's eyes, then
quickly looked away. Drawing a deep, nervous breath, she closed her
eyes and whispered, "No, I'm not. I . . . think I did something
terrible."
She felt Akane's hand rest on her shoulder as she sat down
beside her. "Want to talk about it?"
Nabiki nodded, a pained look crossing her face, "You . . . you
need to know." Opening her eyes, she hesitated a moment, then
sighed, "I made Ryouga tell you about his curse."
"Nabiki . . . ." Akane breathed, stricken. "I . . . don't
understand. Why?"
"I've seen too many secrets, Akane," she shook her head sadly.
"I . . . I've used them, I've turned them against people, watched
them destroy. I couldn't . . . wouldn't . . . let that happen to
you."
"I . . . ," Akane started, then paused. She could understand
that, but . . . "Why now?"
Nabiki chewed on her lip, searching for the right words and
unable to find any. "Because you would have fallen in love with
him, and it would have been even harder . . . I don't know. I
should have stayed out of it; I was wrong."
Akane nodded silently, holding back tears. "It's all right,
sister."
Nabiki shook her head, gazing again at the faces in the water .
. . her own, and her sister's. The sadness there, the pain . . .
all because of her interference, her meddling. "No, it's not. But
I can't change it now. All I can do is move on."
* * * * * * * * *
" . . . and now she hates me," Ryouga finished the tale in a
whisper, hanging his head in shame. "And I deserve it."
Cologne nodded, but her gaze seemed almost to be searching him.
"Are you so sure of her feelings? She is known for overreaction,
after all."
Ryouga sighed in frustration, shaking his head mournfully.
"How could she not hate me? I took advantage of her, deceived her .
. . because of me, Ranma is dead."
He felt the pressure of Cologne's staff lifting his chin,
drawing his gaze up to hers. Only moments before filled with
compassion, her eyes were suddenly stone as they bored into his
soul; her voice was even and forceful as she spoke. "You are NOT
responsible for the groom's death, young man."
He flinched from the intensity of her gaze. "How can you say
that?" he protested.
"You made a bad decision in a crisis," she answered
insistently. "It was an honest mistake, if a fatal one. In battle,
these things happen; you cannot go on blaming yourself for it."
Ryouga shook his head. "Maybe," he answered, noncommittal.
"You must be willing to forgive yourself, or you will never be
free of your suffering." Cologne paused, and her expression
softened. "Trust me, I know."
Ryouga looked at her again, and suddenly he could see the pain
in her eyes. One hundred years' worth of wisdom earned the only way
it can be . . . by suffering. Maybe she knew more than he had given
her credit for. Just maybe.
She smiled slightly at him; for the first time in his memory,
it was a smile devoid of smugness or condescension. Instead, her
eyes reflected compassion, and the burden of memory. "I have lived
long," she spoke softly, "and long I lived before I learned to move
beyond my mistakes. I hope that you learn the lesson sooner than
I."
He nodded, recognizing the prod for what it was. Rising slowly
to his feet, he spoke quietly. "I had intended to ask if I could
stay a while, but now I think I need some time alone."
"Of course," she smiled, a bit of the smugness coming back.
"Don't forget my advice, boy . . . no, you are a boy no longer.
Take care, Ryouga."
He nodded, "I shall. Farewell, Cologne."
* * * * * * * * *
"Hello, Ranma," Akane's voice wavered as she spoke into the
driving rain. She was alone in the graveyard, and yet . . . "I . .
. I know you're not really in there, but . . . I feel closer to you
somehow when I'm here."
She stopped, squeezing her eyes shut to hold back the tears.
"I wish I could tell you that things are okay here, but they're not.
I . . . I know about Ryouga, and . . . ." Her voice trailed off as
she choked back a sob. "Ranma, why didn't you tell me? We could
have avoided this all if only you'd . . . no. I can't blame you for
this."
"He's gone. I told him to leave . . . and now I'm alone. I
mean, I talk to Nabiki sometimes, but she's got her own problems . .
. ." She drew a deep breath, and wiped a tear from her eye. "I have
to be strong for her, and for Daddy . . . he hasn't taken your death
well, either. Kasumi's having to spend all her time looking after
him. I don't have anyone to lean on."
She hung her head sadly. "Why did I have to get so angry? I
ran off the one person who wanted to help me. Why am I so stupid?"
Weakly, she collapsed to her knees in desperation, dropping her
umbrella on the ground beside her and feeling the rain strike her
like a thousand tiny needles. "Why . . . ?"
At that moment, as she knelt there on the grass, water running
from the ends of her now-wrecked hair to fall to the ground, her
head bowed in despair, she could almost hear Ranma's voice through
the storm. He told her not to give up, told her to be strong . . .
told her that things would be better soon, if she could just hold on
a little longer.
She started, looking up at the headstone in front of her.
Surely he couldn't . . . it must have been her imagination, or
perhaps just a distant memory. Either way, though, it was something
to think about. Nabiki needed her, her father needed her. Kasumi
could use her help as well . . . she could not quit now.
"Thank you . . . Ranma," she whispered, slowly picking up her
umbrella and rising to her feet. Casting a long glance at the
inscription, with Ranma's name, the dates of his birth and death . .
. she sighed. Ranma was gone, of course, but she would carry on--
because he would want her to.
Another marker, this one merely a pillar of stones, marked the
true resting-place of Saotome Ranma, and the builder of that
memorial stood before it in silent sadness. He did not know why he
had come here; the depths of depression that this place invoked were
beyond any he had known before, and yet it seemed to draw him
somehow. It was almost as if he wanted to be miserable. It was,
after all, what he deserved.
Cologne's words returned him him then, "You must be willing to
forgive yourself," she had told him, but how could he? What right
did he have to forgive himself for the things he had done? He shook
his head in despair.
Ukyou's voice came next from his memory, "We've all done some
bad things, Ryouga . . . Honor is not perfection. Honor is
admitting our mistakes and doing what we can to make them right."
Had he not done all that he could?
It was not enough. Nothing could ever be enough. He drew a
deep, ragged breath, trying not to cry, and knowing it was an effort
doomed to failure. His shoulders sagged as he hung his head, and
the first tear rolled down his face. It fell, splashing against the
rock of the grave marker, and was suddenly gone. Much like Ranma.
With an effort, he straightened himself. Ranma had died in
battle; the ki-blast which had buckled the cliff face had saved
Ryouga from certain death. <What for?> a small voice in his mind
prodded. <So you could wallow in self-pity, like the miserable
little pig you were?>
<No.> another part of him responded. <I will not dishonor his
sacrifice so; I owe him my life.> What, though, of Ranma's last
request? He was still responsible for that, yet Tendou Akane would
not have him.
Again, Cologne's words answered, "Are you so sure of her
feelings?"
He had to try. Honor demanded it.
* * * * * * * * *
Ryouga quavered with trepidation as he first set foot on the
Tendou property. At last, he had found it . . . and yet, he
wondered if it was cause for celebration or mourning. He would know
only too soon. Slowly, with all the willpower he could muster, he
forced himself to walk the path to their front door. Kasumi greeted
him there with her usual smile, and he was somewhat encouraged to
see that some things, at least, were the same as ever. "Where might
I find Akane?"
A slight worried look flashed across Kasumi's face at the
question. "She's in the dojo," she answered hesitantly. "Are you
sure . . . ?"
He nodded. "I'm sure. Thank you, Kasumi," he answered,
turning to go back outside. A wave of fear washed over him . . .
was he really certain he wanted to do this? Pausing a moment, he
closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, then opened them again and
turned to walk slowly toward the dojo. He was nearly there when she
stepped outside, and he froze.
Akane glanced up, sensing a presence . . . and stood likewise
stunned as their gazes locked for an instant. Emotions flashed
through her mind and across her face--anger, pain, sadness . . .
Ryouga's heart exploded at the sight; it was more than he could
take, that just the sight of him could cause that reaction. He
turned away, just missing the last emotions to cross her face--
surprise, relief, and compassion. Hanging his head as he walked
away, he was suddenly stopped by her voice. It was quiet, and
tentative, as if she was not sure of herself, but Ryouga had never
heard such a joyous sound in his life.
"Ryouga . . . wait."
Hope sprang up within his shattered soul, with wonderment that
she could still want him and with fear that even this was some cruel
trick of his fate. He turned again, to face her; there were tears
in her eyes as she walked slowly toward him. She seemed so
hesitant, was she unsure? No, he realized, it was fear on her face
. . . fear much like his own. He couldn't understand that, but he
held out his arms to her reassuringly, and she fell suddenly into
his embrace.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I shouldn't . . . ."
"Shhhh . . . ," he responded gently, holding her tightly as the
depression which had haunted him for so long faded into nothingness.
"So am I, Akane, so am I . . . but it's all right now." All right,
he thought . . . probably not the best words, but they were close
enough. For the first time in his memory, he looked at the future
with hope and a clear conscience. He had found love, and with it
honor . . . and he finally had direction. Where that direction
would lead him, he did not know, but he did know one thing: his feet
might get lost, but his heart would never wander again.
**********
End.
27 October 1997