A few thoughts on DOH, which was a blast to read:

- the opening made me think that this story was going to be some kind of self-
parody.  The tone seems tongue-in-cheek, and the physical appearance of the
monster was a little too "Hollywood."   Adding a sense of foreboding to the
scene might diminish the shock value of what follows, but it might be
appropriate to make the monster more disturbing.  A human form, with human
death throes, could fit the bill.

- it's very unusual for a woman to do any non-emergency flying in the late
stages of pregnancy, particularly transoceanic flights.  Airlines typically
have policies against it, for the obvious reason that getting on a long flight
when you're due any day is pretty risky.  Since it's not important to the
story for Ranma-TOP to have been in Australia, it would be sensible to keep
her travels domestic.

- the scene featuring Akane-TOP really freaked me out.  First of all, it
seemed a very ignoble thing for her to do, putting Ranma through all that pain
for her own benefit.  The insightful "gift" she gives him in return strikes me
as unnecessary.  Ranma-TIL is a few years into his mystical-troubleshooting
career.  His instincts and problemsolving skills should have by now developed
at least to the point where he could figure out for himself the value of
"going back to where it all started."  Secondly, beginning in The Nature of
Love, Akane-TOP became terribly verbose, her moments in the spotlight reading
like scholarly essays.  She hasn't gotten over this little problem yet.

- I was gratified that the two Ranmas were able to meet and fight side-by-
side.  But I wonder if you couldn't do something more with such an incredible
scene, in which a person converses with himself.  Might not such a
conversation sound much more unusu?  Maybe there would be a lot of finishing
each other's sentences.  Perhaps the two would speak with a kind of
"shorthand," communicating complex ideas with spare words.  The reference to a
significant, secret memory was a nice touch.  Stay with that a little more:
perhaps Ranma-TOP could mention other memories as "evidence" for her case, but
do so in a shorthand manner (i.e., no explanations for the benefit of the
audience).  It might also be interesting to replace, in this scene, the
individual-perspective narrative that is typical of Lawson fics, with
something that captures both their perspectives, or neither's.

Everything else flowed very nicely for me.  I especially appreciated the scene
featuring Ranma's parents and Ranko.


Taleswapper


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