Rvision 1.1 to this
chapter. Part 12 coming soon. There's some citrius in it, so you're
forewarned.
- Jennifer
p.s. Fuu, could you please archive this on the CLAMP ML fanfic archive?
Also, I need to send you parts 10 & 11a to this story, plus part 7 of
Dreams of a Blue Sky and the prelude & part 1 of The Fabulous
Adventure. You'll get them soon.
p.s.s. If anyone would like to be on my direct mailing list for my
fics, please let me know. I try to send them to you guys before
everyone else just because I value your opinions and input. : )
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"To Live On..."
Part 11: Troublesome Desires
by: Jennifer L. Mondazzi
Revision 1.1
rewritten: December 2nd, 1997
Rina finished brushing her teeth, and spit out her toothpaste in the
sink. Filling a glass with water, she swished the contents around in
her mouth, and spit again. When she had finished that, she bent over
to wash her face. It was her nightly ritual, and, on some level,
returned a small amount of normalcy to the catastrophe of her day.
However, it didn't relieve the anger that boiled deep down under the
surface of her skin.
The more she thought on the conversation at dinner that night, the
more irritated she became. What right did Nokoru or Kamui have to
question her choices in dates? She didn't probe into their personal
lives, so why shouldn't they give her the same courtesy? Besides, it
wasn't like Akira was a bad guy...
Finishing up, she patted her face dry, re-hung her towel on the hook,
and left the bathroom. She climbed the stairs to her room wearily, and
shut the door behind her. The moonlight coming in through the window
bathed the room in soft, molten-silver, casting silhouettes across the
walls. Once more, Rina's eyes were drawn to her pictures on the
corkboard, for an instant. She sighed, and pulled back the covers of
her bed. As she turned to climb in, movement out of the corner of her
eye caught her attention.
"So, you're really going through with this date, then?" Kamui asked,
his voice low and unrevealing. He leaned against the opposite wall, his
arms crossed, his eyes glittering in the half-light.
"What are you doing in my room?" she asked, annoyed with his
intrusion. "Your bed's across the hall." She pointed, hoping he'd take
the hint. There was a quick flash of white-outlined teeth, as he
grinned, but he didn't move to leave.
"You didn't answer my question," he remarked, amused.
Rina sighed. Why was it that everyone was suddenly interested in her
private life? Was going out with Akira such a momentous thing? She
couldn't figure it out, and it had begun to annoy her that Nokoru, and
now Kamui, were both trying to talk her out of it. To be sure, they
hadn't come right out and said that, but their intentions were as clear
as a bell's ringing.
"Yes, I do intend on going to a movie with Akira tomorrow," she
snapped, fed up with this entire subject. "Why do you care?"
He shrugged, his movement casting shadows across the walls. "Because I
don't think you should go out with him," he stated matter-of-factly.
"He's a good guy, and you're only going to hurt him."
Yuzu felt her hackles rise up in anger.
"What the hell are you talking about? Why would I possibly want to
hurt Akira?" She crossed her arms, and clenched her jaw, trying to keep
her voice from jacking up any further that it already had. Despite the
fact that Nokoru had gone out for a walk after dinner, and hadn't
returned yet, she still did not want the neighbors overhearing any
shouting matches. It would be too embarrassing.
Again Kamui shrugged, shifting to walk over to her desk. His
fingertips ran across the back of the chair, and his gaze focused out
the window. "You might not do it intentionally, but the result will be
the same." He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "Akira is in
love with you, Yuzuriha, but you're _not_ in
love with him. He's bound to get crushed if you give him hope like
this. You're leading him on."
Rina's hot temper caught a hold of her, and the words flew out of her
mouth before reason could catch them. "I am NOT leading Akira on!" she
spit venomously. "You have no right to pass judgment upon me, Kamui,
and you're the _last_ person who should talk
about leading someone on. How do you know that I'm not in love with
Akira anyway? Who died and suddenly made you all-knowing?"
Kamui turned face-on towards her then, and his eyes were hard.
"Dammit, Yuzu, don't be bullheaded," he argued, brushing his bangs
away from his face. His gaze was harsh, his brows drawn down in
disapproval. "I'm being serious here. This isn't a game you're playing!
A man with a broken heart could do anything, and you'd never expect it
- and in case you hadn't noticed, Akira is a
man, not some geeky kid that you can have fun with for a while, and
dump when it's convenient. He is very much in love with you. Can you
say the same?"
Through her clenched fists, Rina felt her fingernails bite sharply
into her palms, but she didn't care. The physical pain was nothing to
the small knot of anguish that was forming inside of her. Her mind was
a whirl of thoughts. What right did Kamui or Nokoru have to try to take
away her chance at maybe finding a little happiness in life? Maybe
Akira was just the one to take away her loneliness. Maybe Akira could
bring a little companionship and joy to her gray world, and she to his.
Was that so wrong?
"I'm not playing at anything!" she defended herself. "I like Akira.
He's nice, he's kind and he has never hurt me - unlike some people I
could mention." Her point was well made - Kamui's eyes narrowed
dangerously as he considered her words. "He's one of my best friends,"
she continued. "and he's always been there for me. Maybe it's time I
was there for him."
Kamui snorted. "You're going about it in the wrong way," he rebuked.
"Sex isn't the same as love, Yuzu. Don't fool yourself into believing
that lie."
Rina drew back, startled by his words. "Who said anything about having
sex with him?" she asked, confused. Before now, she hadn't even
considered the possibility of sleeping with Akira, but suddenly, the
image of the older man making love to her appeared in her mind, making
her blush hotly. She felt the bluster, which had fueled her moments
ago, suddenly melt away, and was startled by her body's reactions to
her mind's thoughts. Her breath caught in her throat, halting her
ability to make an appropriate repartee, but Kamui waited very
patiently, wanting to hear what she would say. After several seconds,
she collected herself well-enough to reply.
"If you think that I could sleep with someone out of charity or
loneliness, then you...you obviously don't know me as well as you think
you do, Kamui."
Her response troubled him. Was he jumping to conclusions? Her blush,
her body language - they told him that she was thinking about the
possibility he had introduced. It agitated him, it made him afraid, it
confused him. He had know the truth...
"And what about lust?" he asked quietly, gauging her reaction. "Do you
want to have sex with Akira?" When she did not respond immediately, he
pressed, searching for an answer, secretly dreading it. "You didn't
seem too upset when he kissed you on the cheek that night. What if he
were to really kiss you - would you kiss back?" Her sudden silence, her
inability to look at him directly told Kamui what her voice would not -
she just might.
"I honestly don't know," she replied, unsure of herself. "Hypothetical
situations aren't the same as real life, and no one can predict how
they might react." Her voice was barely above a whisper, and Kamui
could sense her major discomfort. At least she had been truthful with
him, but that knowledge didn't help him feel any better. For a long
moment, he stared at her, his thoughts of the times they had come close
to crossing _that _line themselves.
There had been the first time - in this room all those weeks ago, and
then at the park the night that they had gone to talk, and finally the
other night in the hallway. He had not kissed her any of those times,
but he had wanted to so badly that he could taste it. Thinking about it
now made him realize just how much he was tired of wondering. He
wanted to know what it would be like...
Yuzu's profile was illuminated from the moonlight spilling into the
room, and he could see her clearly. She bit her bottom lip in
consternation, and she shivered just a little, as if cold. Her hands
remained clenched at her sides, and her chest rose and fell lightly
with each breath she took. He was almost mesmerized by the way the
cloth lifted and fell over her breasts, and once more, he felt desire
begin to take hold of him. When she spoke, he forced himself to
concentrate on her words, not her body.
"Even if I let Akira kiss me," she said, her voice having gained back
its strength once more. "Even then...it doesn't mean I'd just suddenly
throw myself into his arms. I can control my urges." She raised her
head to look into his face, determination replacing embarrassment. The
reflection in her dark eyes was filled with false conviction.
At that moment, Kamui had decided. He didn't want to wait anymore. He
wanted to know...
Rina noted how Kamui went suddenly, deathly still, how his eyes had
narrowed, and how he looked as though he was trying to make up his mind
about something. Consciously, he reminded her of some sort of predator,
ready to pounce, and she swallowed her fear once more.
For almost a full minute, they stared across at each other, neither
one daring to move. Then, she sensed the unanticipated shift in Kamui's
mood as he let his defenses drop, but by then, it was too late. He
crossed over to her quickly - so quickly that Rina didn't have time to
react, and grabbed her shoulders, drawing her close. Before she could
utter a sound, he bent his head.
When his lips touched hers, it was like electricity going through her
entire body. Sudden shock froze her movements, and her mind whirled.
Kamui's mouth coaxed hers to open for him, persistent at first, and
then he gentled his movements, and a warmth spread throughout her body.
She enjoyed the feelings, returning his kiss hesitantly. He moaned when
she responded, and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist, drawing her
closer to him.
For several minutes, the two breathed and tasted each other
intimately. Rina's head spun; her senses were completely heightened by
their contact. When Kamui's tongue delved into her mouth, touching hers
and moving away again, she innocently pressed herself towards him. His
hands moved down her body to grasp her, and he pulled her tightly
against him, even as his mouth never left hers. She felt his excitement
pushing against her, moved her hands up to wrap around his neck, and
slid her fingers through his soft hair. He felt so good, and she lost
herself to the sensations.
He had only intended for this to serve as an example, to force the
truth home to Yuzu that she _would_ act upon her
body's instincts when in the heat of the moment, mistaking desire for
love. However, as he held her, Kamui began to realize the truth within
himself -he was the one acting upon instinct, the one caught up in the
moment, the one who was confused by his own feelings. He also
discovered that he was intensely jealous of Yuzu's relationships with
the other men in her life. Akira, Nokoru and Suoh were an important
part of her, and had shared many things with her - things he knew that
he never could, and now there was the possibility of her sharing even
more with Akira.
The thought of the handsome, older man and her together bothered him
fiercely, and that small pain awakened Kamui to the realization of
their situation.
Pulling away from her, he looked down into her upturned face, still
holding her against him. A pretty blush covered her pale skin, and her
dark eyes, with their long, ebony lashes, glittered with wanting,
half-closed. Her lips were parted, waiting for another kiss. She
had reacted to the moment, and that knowledge
bothered him almost as much as the idea of another man having her.
Nagging thoughts began flashing at him: would she look the same at
Akira if he had done this to her? Did she imagine that it was someone
else holding her, or did she really want him?
Pushing himself completely away, much rougher than he had intended,
Kamui watched as the fog of desire melted from Yuzu's eyes, replaced
with confusion. "You're _not_ in love with
Akira," he stated simply, dispassionately, hoping to put distance
between them once more. "If you were, that would never have happened."
He mentally sighed. Everytime the two of them got close, he realized,
he ended up acting the fool, doing things he shouldn't do. It would be
a very bad idea to give into his urges now; he'd
regret it, she'd regret it; they'd wind up hating each other. End of
story. He knew that it was probably best to leave before he said or did
anything more to worsen the situation. Turning away, he headed for the
door. Yuzu's voice halted him midstride.
"You...kissed me only to prove a point?"
It was a simple question, but Kamui sensed that there was so much more
to it than that.
How could he explain to her that he was confused by what his mind and
heart were telling him. Unlike Akira, he wasn't sure he was ready to
admit anything to himself right now - much less to her. There was so
much baggage to sort through in his own life; he still hadn't come to
terms with what had happened on that terrible day four years ago, nor
what had come afterward. There was so much rage, resentment, and hatred
buried deep inside. How could he be sure that he felt anything more
than desire for her, when the truth was that he didn't even know if he
was capable of liking himself - much less anyone else - right now?
He almost choked on his own self-disgust.
"Yes, it was only to show you the truth," he lied, forcing back the
lump which had formed in his throat. "You're too innocent, Yuzu, too
naive. In the heat of the moment, anyone can lose their common sense.
You just proved that." He turned to look at her, wearing his best poker
face, and smirked. "It's too easy to want more. Don't forget that." He
reached for the doorknob, intending upon leaving his warning hanging
between them. Best to make her hate him than...
"I don't believe you."
Her words had been little more than trembling whispers, but he had
heard them loud and clear. Kamui closed his eyes against the urge to
turn back again, forcing himself away, walling away his feelings. He
knew that he had to stop this conversation now, before they both said
things that they regretted. The guilt gnawed at him.
Opening the door, he stepped out, heading for his own room, not
bothering to respond.
The tears came again. It seemed that all she had ever done since Kamui
arrived was cry and be angry. Rina hated the feeling of helplessness,
hated that he had once more toyed with her feelings, confused and hurt
her. Even more, she hated that she wanted him to come back and continue
where they left off.
She stared across the length of the hallway at his closed door, and
then an idea came to her. For a moment, she debated with herself about
the sanity of her scheme, but then, with a resolved sigh, made her
decision. Turning away, she shut the door to her bedroom, and went to
lay on her bed on her back, looking up at the ceiling. She absently
wiped the tears away with the back of her hand, and resolved not to cry
again tonight.
Forcing the calm back into her system was difficult, but achievable,
and finally, she felt steady enough to put her plan into action. She
stretched out her senses towards Kamui - lightly, so as not to alert
him to what she was doing. At first, she could sense nothing, then the
distance closed, and there was a tidal wave of emotions washing over
her. Despair, guilt, anger, confusion - all strongly wrapped around
her, through her, enveloping her in their raw power.
Slowly, as if by an inner calming, the pain dulled, and then, only one
emotion remained - a hot, sharp desire. Its strength surprised her,
took her back with its ferocity. Images came to her then, and an
underlying need began rising within her, firmly taking a hold of her.
One part of her brain shouted at her to break the connection, but
another half, a newly awakened half, was shyly curious.
It was the latter that eventually won out.
She watched herself from a distance, as Kamui kissed her again as
thoroughly as he had earlier. It didn't stop there, however, and she
was suddenly in his arms, sharing in the experience instead of watching
it. She felt his fingers begin kneading into her flesh, melding her
against his body. And then, they were both suddenly naked, and Kamui
was kissing her all over. His tongue dove into places she'd never
dreamed of a tongue going; his teeth nibbled lightly, and his fingers
left no place unexplored upon her. He was finally inside of her then,
and she felt him make love to her, gentle at first, then growing in
strength as a hunger took them both over. Her heart pounded and her
blood rushed into her ears, and then she saw stars in her vision as
something white and hot pulsed within her and through her, centered on
where their bodies met. When it was over, Kamui lay on top of her, his
forehead pressed against hers, his breathing labored and harsh.
Eventually, he looked down at her, and when their eyes met, something
suddenly shattered, and the connection was broken.
A few minutes passed, and in that time, Rina's breathing returned to
normal. A flush crept up her cheeks, as a realization dawned on her -
Kamui wanted her! Surprise and shock were the only two emotions she
could clearly fathom in that moment. She didn't think he knew what she
had been up to, but a pit of fear started in her stomach and worked
itself up into a frenzy, creating doubts. What if he
had known? Would he say anything to her about it?
Would he come into her room again, uninvited?
Rina waited, her eyes wide, watching for the door to open, just in
case. After what seemed hours, she heard footsteps on the stairs, and
then a door down the hallway opened and shut. Had that been Nokoru
coming home? Her nervousness was making her jumpy, and she sighed; she
was overreacting. Kamui couldn't have known what she had done - he
wasn't empathic. Only touch allowed a non-empath to know that they had
been "scanned". Silently, she chided herself, and then closed her eyes,
determined to get some sleep.
She touched his face again, desperate to wake him from this seemingly
eternal slumber. Nothing in the room had changed since the last time
she had visited, except that the business card with Flower's
information on it was gone. Other than that, Kakyou remained just as he
had been - perfect and unconscious.
"Kakyou, please, I need your help. What is it I'm supposed to do once
I find Karen? How do I find the others? Wake up so I can find you too,"
she begged, feeling the salty tears upon her cheeks. It seemed that
even her dreams reflected her reality in some aspects, she mused to
herself. Bending down with a sigh, she lay her forehead against
Kakyou's cool, soft cheek. "I don't know if I can go to Kamui for this
anymore, and I can't do this alone," she whispered, heart-broken and
weary. "Please, wake up and help me."
Kakyou's voice in her ear startled her.
"You finally came," he said, and sat up quickly as she jumped away
from him. "I knew you would," he said earnestly, and reached out to
take her hand. She marveled at how his touch was warm and alive, and
for the first time in a long time, Yuzu felt a small sense of relief
and hope. "Kakyou!" she sighed in relief, and sat down next to him on
the bed, firmly holding his hand in hers. "You're awake! I was scared
that you would sleep forever."
"Why does that thought frighten you, little one?" he asked gently, his
eyes watching her carefully. Yuzu wiped at her face, tasting the salt
upon her lips, and sniffled delicately before answering. "Because
almost everyone else is gone now, and...I...I don't want to lose you
too," she explained, laying her head upon his shoulder, and huddling
close to his thin frame. He held her gently, and she could sense his
smile against her hair.
"I won't go yet, Yuzu," he promised, rocking her like the child that
she was. "But you must complete your destiny so that all of us can have
a future together once more."
"Complete my destiny?" Rina pushed away, looking into Kakyou's eyes for
explanation. He nodded sincerely. "But...I don't even know what it is
I'm supposed to do!" she protested, feeling a small amount of fear
within her. "What if I don't do it right?" Kakyou chuckled gently.
"I have faith in you, Yuzuriha, so you should too," he said with a
small smile. "Now, the first thing you must do is find Karen Kasumi,
and make her remember the past. Then, you must do the same with Yuuto
Kigai. Finally, you must find Kamui Shirou and do the same. He will be
the most dangerous, so be careful."
Yuzu smirked. "I accidentally found Kamui a few weeks ago," she
admitted. Kakyou looked very surprised, almost fearful. "He'd been
wandering around, half-insane from the memories. Nokoru, Suoh and Akira
sat us down and told us the truth. We both remember now," she confirmed
his silent question. His eyes widened slightly, then he seemed to
consider her words carefully.
"Where is the Dragon of Heaven now?" he asked, his voice soft, weary.
"Living with Nokoru and I. He's going to be going to my college soon,
and I'm helping him along."
Kakyou turned those all-seeing eyes upon her, and Yuzu swore that he
was reading into her very soul. She blushed in embarrassment, and he
narrowed his eyes. Did he guess what had happened? Yuzu didn't offer to
tell him, and he didn't question her about it, but merely nodded, and
smiled, his face instantly transformed from serious and stern to
handsome and open.
"Well, then, since you, Kamui and I have all broken our memory seals,
your job is half done. It's lucky that you managed to find the Dragon
of Heaven first, and that Hinoto-hime's seal on his powers have held
this long."
He stared at her intensely, hoping that she got the message. She had.
Yuzu knew that if Kamui had broken the seal on his powers before the
return of his memory, with his sanity having been questionable, he
could have gone on a rampage. Lives might have been lost - again.
Yuzu had forgotten just how powerful he had been four years ago. Over
the last few weeks he had seemed so normal to her - well, as normal as
any person was. It was difficult to remind herself of how much
different all of the Dragons were from the rest of humanity; how much
potential for destruction all of them had. It was one of the reasons
that the five of them had agreed to make such a drastic decision, and
why Hinoto-hime had used the last of her life force to bring their plan
to fruition.
Yuzu shuddered, as if someone had walked across her grave.
Kakyou's calm, warm hand on her shoulder steadied her once more. "Once
everyone is together, come to me," he directed her, his voice firm.
"Then, we will make right what should have been years ago."
"Make right?" she asked, confused. "I don't understand."
Even as she looked into Kakyou's beautiful eyes, the scenery changed
to a small garden, its flowers in full bloom, scenting the air with
their sweet perfume. The two of them stood upon the path that wound its
way through the small area. Yuzu inhaled deeply, and relaxed. Nothing
could hurt her here - this was her grandmother's garden in Kyoto, and
one of Kakyou's dream sequences. While she was here, the 'Master of
Dreams' would assure that no harm came to her.
"Why do I have to gather everyone together? Why do I need to be the
one to break their memory seals?" she asked, despondent, knowing the
pain she would cause in doing so.
Tucking her hand into his arm, Kakyou led her down the path slowly.
They were like two old friends taking an afternoon stroll together in a
small park, reacquainting themselves. "Because you are the only one
with heart enough to try," he commented sincerely. "And the only one
who can do it. This is the new Fate you have made for yourself, just as
the rest of us have made ours."
They stopped to smell a lovely pink tea-rose, its petals delicately
blowing in the gentle breeze. "Try what?" Yuzu wanted to know, kneeling
to pick one of the delicate blooms. She held it up, and Kakyou helped
her remove the thorns. <Always the gentleman>, she
though with a smile. He handed back the rose when it was prickle-free,
and she twirled the stem between her fingertips, watching the petals
swirl colorfully.
"You must try to right the wrong we committed four years ago," he
remarked, watching her solemnly. "When we sealed everyone's power away,
we believed that what we were doing was for the best for the world.
However, in thinking of everyone else, we denied our own souls the
chance to find eternal peace. In order for the wheel of life to
continue its spinning, and for all of us to be reborn into it, the five
remaining Dragons must be brought together to undo what we did all
those years ago."
Yuzu stopped, staring up into Kakyou's handsome features with
something akin to shock plastered upon her features. "You mean, you
want us to have our powers back? Isn't that dangerous?"
The tall, pale-haired man considered her words carefully before
replying. "Perhaps, but it is the only way for the souls of our friends
to be free once more. For this world, for you and I, they gave their
lives up in a battle that they never wanted any part of to begin with.
Fate had chosen us all, and we accepted that, no matter what the cost.
Now, those that gave their lives deserve the chance to rest and be
reborn, if they wish it."
He turned away from her, and looked intensely out at the horizon, his
thoughts running off of his tongue without consciousness. "For their
happiness," he whispered softly, "I would even sacrifice my own life."
Yuzu stared up at him, perceiving for a moment so much more to his
words than even she could fathom. For an instant, she felt fear again
and shivered, as a sense of foreboding overcame her. Looking down at
her hand, she twirled the rose between her fingers again.
"Even the rose and the cherry tree must shed their petals to produce
new blossoms," she quoted poetically. As if on cue, the wind, which had
suddenly picked up, ripped the petals from the flower, sending them
dancing on the breeze away from her. She frowned in displeasure.
Kakyou chuckled, and smiled fondly down at her. "You have a poetic
soul, Yuzuriha," he complimented her, patting her head affectionately.
"A rare quality in one so young." He turned to another rose bush, and
picked a second flower for her - a snow-covered flower, sprinkled with
crimson red. "I suppose of all of us, though," he continued, absently
removing the thorns from the stem before handing it to her, "you are
the one most in tune with the beauty of life, and the purity of love."
Yuzu took the rose from him, staring at its perfect blending of color.
When she looked up again, to thank him for the gift, he was gone.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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