Gratuitous Self 10: Templar, The Boy of Total Failure


	It was akin to looking into a crystal ball and seeing yourself lying in a
bloody heap, like in those old text adventures. Or a death threat note,
complete with mismatched cutout fonts and deconstructed English.
	He had printed out a copy, to give him the satisfaction of tearing it to
pieces afterwards.
	Sure, the whole list KNEW he didn't write the thing himself, heavens no,
but he had the experience of opening his mailer and finding his fic
mutilated by someone else before. It's the principle of the thing, he kept
telling himself as he began to read.

	=====

	An Excerpt from 'Turning Road 9: Vengeance is Mine'
	By Jubei Yagyu

	"Feel the power of my Daisho Technique!" said the eye-patched stranger as
he leapt into the air, drawing both of his swords with impeccable precision. 
	"Never!" screamed Takezo as he held his katana up to block the impending
blow. His sight was clouded by the blood, trickling from his forehead down
over his eyes. He blinked, trying to clear them.
	That was all the stranger needed.

	Takezo clutched his stomach where the two deep cuts were. He felt his life
ebbing. His right hand was holding the splintered remnants of his carved
wooden sword. He turned, attempting to get a glimpse of the stranger, who
was shaking his blades as he sheathed them, to clean the blood. "Why?"
	"I might as well tell you," the stranger said. "You have attempted to best
our Goddess. For that you must pay." He chuckled. "And you have."

	As Takezo collapsed, growing colder with each heartbeat, pumping blood out
of the gaping wounds, he heard the stranger say, "Oh yes. The name is Jubei
Yagyu. But may call me Templar."

	=====
	Takezo let out a grunt and forced himself to keep reading.
	=====

	"Step away from him," Jubei said.
	Nabiki did so, standing instead behind Jubei.
	Kojiro could only watch helplessly as all this transpired. "Damn you!" he
cried. "Who are you, and what power do you have over my goddess?"
	"On the contrary, Kojiro. It is she who has power over me." Jubei then
took Nabiki's hand and kissed it, much to Nabiki's delight.
	Enraged, Kojiro raised his Enchanted Blade of Drying Pole in an attempt to
smite Jubei, but Jubei deftly blocked with his wakizashi. 
	"My sensei taught me to dance the Daisho well, much too well for you."
Jubei then slashed Kojiro's side. "For the honor of the Daisho School of
Ni-To-Kenjutsu, and the Goddess, you have been punished."
	Kojiro watched through the haze as Jubei led Nabiki away by the hand.

	=====
	Takezo never rooted for Kojiro before, but now...
	=====

	Jubei knelt before Nabiki.
	"Why are you kneeling?"
	"Because," Jubei said, head bowed, "as a Goddess, you deserve it. I am but
your humble servant."
	Nabiki smiled. "Then rise, noble servant." As Jubei rose, Nabiki stared
into his eyes. "Let me give you the reward you deserve."
	"Milady, I am unworthy..."
	The rest of his sentence trailed off as Nabiki's lips drew closer...

	=====
	With extreme disgust, Takezo crumpled the copy and tossed it over his
shoulder. He rested his cheek on the palm of his hand, leaning on his desk.
He was waiting for his professor to arrive, but the crusty old hag hadn't
arrived yet.
	The tapping of keys behind him drew his attention, and he saw a
dark-haired young man using a laptop, the only other guy in the room (all
the others having given up already). It was connected to a modem with an
antenna! Wow, Takezo thought. A cellular modem! If only I had one of those!	
	Takezo suddenly recognized him as one of the guys he always saw at those
conventions who seemed to attract a large crowd to himself without trying.
Popular guy, he thought.
	Suddenly the young man let loose a roar of such utter rage that Takezo
cringed in his seat, instinctively reaching for his bag and starting to stand.
	"DAMN YOU TO HELL, TEMPLAR!" the young man cried.
	"T...Templar? You know Templar?" Takezo asked cautiously.
	"Why?! Why do you ask?! You're one of his cronies, aren't you?!" The guy
reached back to a long, wrapped, suspicious-looking bundle.
	"No no no! Far from it! I'm Takezo Musashi!"
	"You?" The young man blinked. "You're...Takezo? As in, 'Turning Road'
Takezo?"
	"Yes, that's me!" Naturally, Takezo was flattered. Someone actually
remembered him! Even amid all these old-timers who snapped at every single
perceived mistake he made, just because they were there first, amid all
these attention-seekers making up new awards just so they'd have one under
their belts, here was one guy who appreciated him for what was important --
his work!
	"You! I don't know whether to strangle you for blaspheming or kissing your
feet for putting me where I am!" The guy then shook his hand!
	"What are you talking about?!"
	"I'm Kojiro Sasaki!"
	"YOU'RE Kojiro Sasaki?! If history is any gauge, we should be tearing each
other's throats out!"
	"Yes," Kojiro said, as he withdrew his hand, "but we have a common enemy
to deal with."
	"True. There's this Templar idiot. Your boss, as I recall."
	"My OLD boss, you mean. I replaced him as High Commander."
	"Oh, really? Was this the time you sent me that great piece of C&C?"
	Kojiro nodded. "He totally botched that supposed insidious C&C to you that
was supposed to destroy your credibility."
	"I knew there was something fishy about that piece of e-mail the moment it
told me to make my character an exchange student."
	"Yeah, well... Say, Takezo."
	"Yes?"
	"I'm willing to step aside for you to deal with this your own way.
However, you may want to use this little info."
	"Shoot."
	"Jubei Yagyu was, according to some stories, Miyamoto Musashi's student."

	And so, Takezo wrote, this time ignoring the written part.9 Templar so
graciously posted.

	=====

	Turning Road Part 9: The One-Eyed Stranger
	By Takezo Musashi

	It was so uncomfortable for some reason, cleaning Ukyo's hot plate like
this. His throat dried up every time he started to say something to her,
washing her spatulas at the sink. What could he possibly say? What did she
mean by what she said that night?
	"You know," Ukyo finally said, "you don't really have to do this. I was
just kidding when I said you had to help me out here."
	"No, no," Takezo said. "I want to."
	Long moments passed after that, not a word exchanged between the two of them.
	Suddenly, they both blurted out, "Can I say something?"
	They both chuckled nervously, then they both said, "You go first."
	"No, you go first," Takezo said, at the exact moment Ukyo said, "I'll go
first."
	Ukyo cleared her throat. "Okay. I... Never mind. What was it you were
going to say?"
	"It's nothing important," Takezo said, quietly.
	Both of them went back to whatever it was they were doing.
	"You know," Ukyo said, "Kunoichi's back in town, and I can just have him
do the dishes for me."
	"No, no," Takezo said, "I insist on doing this myself. I owe you."
	"I don't want you to feel that you owe this to me."
	"But I do."
	"Well... I... Never mind."
	Takezo simply smiled and continued with his work.

	-----
	Why can't I say it? Why can't I say that the reason I don't want him to
feel he owes it to me is...

	Why did I tell her I owed it to her? It's only partly true. I do this for
her because...

 	...Because I want him to do it because he wants to.

	...Because I want to.
	-----

	The silence was thankfully alleviated by the arrival of Nabiki and Kojiro.
Or maybe not so thankfully.
	There she was again, looking so happy with Kojiro. Takezo wasn't so sure
anymore whether she was faking the whole thing just to spite him or if she
really liked Kojiro. Takezo shook his head. Why? What did she make me do
those things for? Helping her out and stuff? Just to torture me? She must
know how I feel for her. Is she doing this to spite me?
	She sat herself down at the hot plate, next to Kojiro. She smiled at
Kojiro, laughing at some joke probably told on the way to Ucchan's.
	Damn it! Takezo thought. Why does she grow more and more infuriatingly
beautiful every time I see her?
	"Hey, Takezo." Nabiki said, interrupting his reverie.
	"Huh? Oh, hi, Nabiki."
	She smirked. "I've got our... profits from our little operation ready.
I'll give you your cut later."
	He grinned at her. He couldn't help but feel a grudging respect for this
woman. How she kept personal grudges separate from business. How she could
make herself deal with a guy who so blatantly tried to humiliate her.
"Thanks. I see that the Kuno picture business venture is working well."
	"Of course it is. You took the pictures, remember?"
	"Of course." Takezo took boy's locker room pictures of Kuno, which made
him a traitor of sorts, but a filthy rich traitor. "how much is the take.
The REAL amount."
	"What? You don't trust me?" Nabiki said in all innocence. "The take is
thirty thousand yen."
	"That's amazing!" Kojiro exclaimed, wide-eyed. "I've never even seen that
much money!"
	"Yep," Nabiki said. "Here's your share, Takezo. Fifteen thousand yen."
	It was Ukyo's turn to stare. "You're giving him fifty percent? What is
wrong with you, Nabiki?"
	"Why?" Nabiki said. "It's his fair share. He deserves it."
	"Lemme guess," Takezo said, "the take is actually much higher, but you're
giving me fifty percent of a figure you think I'll believe."
	"You should learn to be more trusting, Takezo."
	"I think the word you meant to use, Tendo, was 'gullible'."
	Nabiki grinned widely, much to Takezo's surprise. "That's why I work with
you, Takezo. You're such a sneaky bastard. Here you go," she said as she
pulled out another wad of bills, "five thousand for your bonus, for being
so shrewd."
	"Thanks for the fool's share. Go spend your forty thousand on acting
lessons or something."
	Nabiki took on the innocent look again. "Why, Takezo! Are you insinuating
that I only gave you one-third of the profits? After we made a deal for
fifty-fifty?"
	"Yes," Takezo said as flatly as he could, "and the only reason I let you
handle the money was because I knew you'd make a killing anyway."
	Nabiki chuckled. "Sharp, Musashi. Very sharp. Let's do business again
sometime." She slapped down some cash on the wood portion around the hot
plate. "Okonomiyaki for four, please! My treat!"

	=====

	"Okay," Kojiro said as he read the manuscript in the classroom the next
day, empty except for himself and Takezo, "so where does Jubei come in?
Have you ignored him altogether? And isn't my character supposed to be mad
at your character?"
	"Yes, yes, read on."

	=====

	Humph, Kojiro thought to himself. If Nabiki-san wasn't here, I'd beat the
crap out of you. If Nabiki didn't think you were so great I'd snap your
neck in half with my bare hands. But, for the sake of my goddess, I will
put up with you. I will be civil. But the day you hurt her I will be there
to slice you in half.
	He reached into his pocket, fingering the wrapped tanto inside.

	=====

	"Sounds about right," Kojiro said. "Except that I wouldn't suffer in
silence. I'm too arrogant for that."
	"I know, I know," Takezo said. "You can always retort with Turning Road 10."
	"You mean you're letting me write it."
	"Yes, I am."
	"Aren't you worried about internal consistency?"
	"What's to worry about? You did fine the last time," Takezo said.
	"Yes, but that's because of my prereader. I told him to meet me here after
class. Ah, there he is now," Kojiro said as someone entered the doorway of
the classroom.
	The glare from outside obscured the newcomer's face from Takezo, but he
could make it out somewhat...
	"What the...? I never thought I'd ever see the two of you together!"
	What the hell?! "BOB!? You're Kojiro's prereader?" exclaimed Takezo in
disbelief.
	Bob scratched his head and grinned sheepishly. "Oh, you know, huh?"
	"Why?" asked Kojiro. "What's the matter?"
	"The matter?!" Takezo shouted. "I'll tell you what the matter is! This...
idiot," he said while grabbing Bob by the collar, "is MY prereader!"
	"Ha ha, so I am..." Bob said weakly.
	"Oh. Well, in that case..." Kojiro said, calmly walking towards Bob.
Suddenly he LUNGED at Bob, preparing to give him an impromptu tracheotomy
with his ballpoint pen. "You damn bastard! You were playing us off each
other the whole damn time!"
	"Help!" Bob screamed. "He's gone nuts!"
	"I don't blame him," Takezo said, leaning against the wall, arms crossed.
"I'm going to enjoy watching this."
	"Wait!" Bob pleaded. "If you kill me now, who'll be your prereader?"
	"We'll think of something," Takezo said flatly. "Finish him, Kojiro."
	"No, no, wait," Bob choked as he tried to pry Kojiro's hands off his neck,
"what about internal consistency in the story?"
	"We'll figure something out ourselves," Kojiro said, continuing to
strangle Bob.
	Bob emitted a sound that sounded like "Glllkkk..."
	"Huh?" Takezo said mockingly. "What was that you said?"
	"I think he said, 'Glllkkk'," Kojiro replied.
	Bob stopped trying to pry Kojiro's hands off and was now reaching into his
bag. He pulled out what appeared to be...
	"Ohmigod!" Takezo exclaimed. "A 12'' PVC Ayanami doll! In her plugsuit!"
	"And she's STRETCHING!!!" added Kojiro, letting go of Bob in shock.
	"Now," Bob said, clearing his throat, "what was all that business about
killing me?"
	"Killing? You? What are you talking about, Bob ol'buddy ol'pal!" Takezo
said, grinning sheepishly. "Isn't that right, Kojiro?"
	"Huh? Oh, right, yeah!" Kojiro said, snapping out of the daze he had while
staring at the PVC Ayanami. "We'd never hurt our good buddy Bob!"
	"That's Lord Bob to you two jerks."
	"Yes, Lord Bob!" the two said in unison. "We're not worthy!"
	"Now, then," Lord Bob said to the two kowtowing writers, "what's this
about Templar?"

=====

	Suddenly, a pony-tailed young man, wearing an eyepatch over his left eye,
entered the restaurant. He stood in the doorway for a moment, apparently
surveying the scene before him. Then, with a shrug, he took a seat at the
counter close to Takezo and company, idly pitching his schoolbag onto an
adjacent seat.
	"One seafood okonomiyaki for me, thanks," he said to Ukyo, who promptly
got to work.
	As did Takezo, who watched all the hard work he did scrubbing the hot
plate go to waste. He sighed, getting back to washing the drinking glasses.
	"Hey," Nabiki called out to Takezo, who had his back turned to her, "why
are you still working? You've got enough money to pay your tab ten times
over!"
	"For your information, Tendo," Takezo said without turning, "I don't have
a tab here."
	"Whatever," she said. "You still haven't answered my question. Are you
trying to earn extra cash, free food, brownie points, what?"
	Takezo sputtered. "I don't know what you're talking about."
	"Oh, I'm so sorry! I'll make you a new one!" Takezo turned around to see
Ukyo pick up a half-cooked okonomiyaki off the floor, all the while
apologizing to the newcomer, who was not really paying attention.
	"Oh, sure," Nabiki continued, pressing the advantage. "Go ahead. Play
innocent with me, Musashi. Like I don't know you better than that."

	Musashi? He's the Musashi who beat Konoichi up?

	"Like I said, Tendo," Takezo maintained, "I have no idea what you're
talking about."
	"What ARE you talking about, Nabiki?" asked Kojiro.
	"Oh, nothing," Nabiki said, turning away.

=====

	"I'm going to get you for this, Takezo."
	"Get me for what?"
	"This. This blatant, self-glorifying, wonderful banter you and Nabiki are
having. That and making my character completely clueless."
	"You're not 'completely clueless'. Remember that part where you nearly
caught Ukyo off-guard?"
	"Oh. Right. I thought that was kind of out-of-place."
	"And besides, Kojiro," Takezo continued, "you're writing the next part,
remember? You get to get even."
	"I suppose..." Kojiro said. "Say, Takezo..."
	"What is it?"
	"I've been meaning to ask you..."
	"Out with it, man!"
	"Did Bob want a large order of fries and a regular soft drink, or was it
the other way around?"
	"Hey, that was your order, man, you figure it out. I've still got to get
him that stupid Italian sausage in olive oil and garlic."

=====
	
	"Excuse me."
	Takezo gave a start. He turned to the newcomer. "Yes...?" He asked
tentatively, instinctively inching towards the sword under the counter.
	"Are you Takezo Musashi? The one who beat Konoichi and his gang up?"
	"Yes, I am," Takezo answered. "Who wants to know?"
	The newcomer suddenly cried out, "I am Jubei Yagyu!" And with one fluid
motion, he drew two hidden swords and rushed at Takezo!

=====

	"You're as... theatrical... as Templar, aren't you?"
	"Kojiro," Takezo said as he fanned Bob, "quit it with the euphemisms. I
think you meant to say, as cheesy as Templar."
	Kojiro winced. "Ugh. Do you have to be so blunt?"
	"What's wrong with blunt? I like blunt. I write blunt, for crying out loud."
	"Gentlemen," Bob said, standing up, throwing the remains of the meal into
the trash can, "you've groveled enough. Dismissed."
	"Thank you, sir!" both writers shouted, saluting.
	"Carry on. Say, is that the response to Templar's 'Turning Road' you're
reading there?"
	"Yep. Care to preread it?" Takezo said, handing it to Bob.
	"Bob, I have a question for you," Kojiro said.
	"Yes, Kojiro?"
	"I've been meaning to ask you... Do you preread for Templar, as well? You
know, just so that we're clear on that."
	"Yeah, do you?" piped Takezo.
	"Absolutely not," Bob replied, indignantly. "Why do you think all
continuity was shot to hell in his part nine?"
	"Come to think of it, taking into account my part three into the grand
scheme of the story," Kojiro said, "the whole story has good continuity."
	"Makes perfect sense," Takezo said, seething, "considering that we had
only one prereader."
	"Now, now, Takezo," Bob said, "calm down. What's past is past. What's more
important to you, a good story, or getting even with me?"
	After long moments, Bob said, "Well?"
	"Give me a sec, okay?! It's a tough choice!"

	=====

	Takezo raised his sword in defense, and awaited the impending blow...
	For an impending blow, it sure was taking its glorious time at it.

	Takezo opened his eyes, and saw Jubei laying his swords at his feet.
"Wha... What?
	"Oh, teach me, Great One! I'm eternally in your debt, for you have
defeated my persecutors! Not only that, I've heard so much about from
Mitsuru-sempai and Shinobu-sempai!"
	"I don't care what you've done for him, Musashi," Nabiki said, "I don't
think anything's worth him licking your boots for."
	"Get up man," Takezo said. "Kowtowing went out of style with the eunuchs."
	"So... So you'll take me as a student? Honest and truly? Yubikiri?"
	Yubikiri? "Yes, yes, yes! Just get up! And wipe the drool off my shoes,
would you?"
	"Yes!" Jubei said, leaping to his feet! "Just you wait, Konoichi! You'll
be begging me for mercy in no time!" And with that he slapped down his
payment and ran out of Ucchan's.
	"What was that about, Takezo?" Ukyo asked, pocketing the money.
	"I... I have no idea, actually."

	=====

	John Smith was a free man.
	He'd managed to finish his thesis just under the deadline, much to his,
and his adviser's, relief. The defense wasn't due until two weeks from
then, and he had a lot of free time on his hands, which, like any other
otaku, he wasted on anime, mange, and sorting out his mail from the FFML.
	Like any intrepid subscriber to that wonderful mess we all know as the
FFML, he would download a couple hundred messages a day, only around a
third of them fanfics, and even then he'd have to read them all to
determine which were actually worth keeping. After all, you can't really
determine which fics are good from the title, now, can you?
	For example, there was this excellent Sailor Moon fanfic with strange
formatting and a lousy title. John wondered how many people overlooked this
particular one, just because the title made the fic seem like some rabid
Sailor Moon hater with no literary sense whatsoever did it.
	Or this... Gratuitous Something-Or-The-Other satire fic that, from the
title, sounded like some author-otaku-god-being-fic being written like some
kind of wish fulfillment for some depraved hack.
	Of course, one couldn't help but run into the really strange fics at
times, like one that was entitled, "Urusei Yakumo - That Obnoxious Zombie".
Or "Kimagure Orange Marmalade".
	John placed those in his 'fanfics' folder, vowing silently to read them
someday. He idly wondered when the Scriviner was going to come out with
'Aa! Mega-Playboy'.
	Scroll down, scroll down.
	The FFML was buzzing with mixed reactions about the release of 'Vengeance
is Mine'. Okay, not so mixed. Most were appalled that someone would
actually stoop so low as to kill of the main protagonist and the
antagonist, and run off with the anime babe, all in a claimed continuation
of the current story. A few had the foresight to keep silent, and so were
spared by the chastising Tybalt later gave everyone who had contributed to
the glut, as well as those who sent tests to the list checking if it was
working.
	"Hmph," said John as he read on. "'Vengeance is Mine' was stupid to begin
with, anyway."
	Templar, or Jubei, wasn't in the room at the time. He was probably off to
one of those stupid 'otaku' viewings, anyway.
	"Although," John said, aloud, to no one in particular, "I really would
call the umpteenth viewing of the first ten episodes of Ranma ½ 'otaku'.
How about an all-night Gundam Wing showing? Or Captain Tsubasa? How about
Saint Seiya? Heck, if you really want obscure, how about Dameo, The Boy of
Total Failure? Or Bakabon? Or Sasuke the Ninja?"
	Feeling smug in his own knowledge of anime, he continued reading, and
found Takezo's own 'Turning Road 9."

	Templar entered, looking fresh as a daisy. "Ah, once more, mine eyes have
seen the glory of the goddess!" He noticed John's reading. "Say, John, do
tell what it is you are perusing."
	Prissy little bastard. "Why, this? Oh, it's nothing, but..."
	"But what?"
	"Nothing," John continued, "but Part 9 of Turning Road."
	"Ah, yes, my masterpiece. How do you like it? On a literary standpoint?
How about from the gut? Do you like the action sequences?"
	"Not your piece of trash, Temp. I meant Takezo's 'Turning Road'."
	Templar's smile seemed pasted on his face. "Ahah, you must be mistaken. I
wrote Turning Road 9, the repercussions of which must still be
reverberating throughout the mailing list."
	"No, you idiot, I mean the REAL Turning Road 9. The one where you kowtow
to Takezo."
	Templar's face contorted in rage. "I?! The Great Templar? Kowtow to
that... that... Heretic?! NEVER!"
	"It says so right here."
	"Well, I'm sure no one prefers that version over mine, which was so much
more well-written, speaking from a literary standpoint, of course. And the
strength of plot... Why, there's no contest."
	"Actually, everyone likes his better."
	"NOOOO!!! Is there no justice in this world?!"
	Actually, John thought, there is.

	"Go easy on me on part ten, okay, Kojiro?"
	"Why on earth should I do that? You barely gave me any quarter when you
wrote this part."
	"Oh, really?" Takezo said, crossing his arms. "Did I actively humiliate
you in this one?"
	"No," Kojiro said, "but you hinted at it. It was implied."
	"Well, of course it was implied."
	"And all that witty dialogue you gave yourself didn't help any, either."
	"Then give yourself some witty dialogue."
	"Fine. I'll do just that."
	"Fine."
	And with that, Kojiro stormed off with his laptop and his cellular modem.

	"What did you have to do that for, Takezo?" Bob said.
	"Look at it this way, Bob," Takezo said. "Remember the last time he wrote
a part for Turning Road?"
	"Yeah, why?"
	"What made him write in the first place?"
	"Er, you were getting in time with his girl?"
	"I mean, his motivation."
	"That was his motivation."
	Takezo sighed. "You don't get it, do you?"
	"Get what?"
	"That the last time he wrote he was driven to do so because he was angry."
	"And?"
	"And that he was driven by this need to humiliate me and punish me. How
can he write like that if he isn't mad at me?"
	Bob thought for a moment, then said, "Tell me, were any of your ancestors
Renaissance-period Venetians?"

	--- ^^; ---

	I apologize for the long delay. For those of you who were wondering, I was
trying to save my academic career during the hiatus. Anyway, I hope you
enjoy this part.

Gratuitous Scorecard:

12" Ayanami PVC model 	- 10 style points for anyone who owns one. (I sure
don't.)
'Yubikiri' 			- 10 pts. for what it means.
Urusei Yakamo 		- Name both series, 10 pts.
Kimagure Orange Marmalade 	- I have dibs on writing this one. 5 pts for
naming both series.
Aa! Mega-Playboy 		- 10 pts. for both series, and 25 pts. to the Scriviner
if he can actually finish writing this one.

And for watching the following series I give the corresponding points:

Gundam Wing		- 10 pts. (Not because it's obscure, but because it's so cool.)
Captain Tsubasa	- 10 pts. (and 10 more for whoever rooted for Matsuyama.)
Saint Seiya		- 10 pts. (and 10 more for whoever rooted for Cygnus.)
Dameo			- 25 pts.
Bakabon		- 25 pts.
Sasuke the Ninja	- 25 pts. (and no, he's not the Sasuke in Ranma. At least,
I don't think so.)

Until Part 11, then, ja matta.