This is a slightly revised short Eva fic. (but my first Eva
fic, so there may still be some inaccuracies) Spoilers...23rd episode
...thanks to all those who responded to my info requests!

there may still be some problems with present/past tense changes...
these tense changes were written intentionally, though i'm not
sure if they accomplish what i _want_ them to, or if they're just
completely annoying and incorrect

Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to the Gainax people,
and A.D. Films...not me at all...


Of Ikari and Ayanami
     
fanfic by Mee Robinson


     <Not Yui,> he thought numbly, desperately, as his hands 
slowly released the LCL from the tank. They did not tremble. <This 
child is not your wife.>

     He watched in appalled fascination as the form in the tank 
sagged, no longer buoyed or warmed by the LCL, and unaccustomed 
to its own weight. The naked back came into contact with the tank 
wall, and, for the first time, he saw the mouth open, laboring to 
gain breath and sustenance from the thin, unyielding air. The left 
hand twitched and brought itself up to the chest, pressed itself 
into the softness there, trying, it seemed, to push its way through 
the flesh, past the bone, to touch the struggling traitor lungs. His 
own hands, fumbling not once, found the correct control panel and 
opened the tank.

     "Rei," he said, his voice surprisingly soft.

     The girl in the tank opened her eyes, and, for the second time 
in his life, Ikari Gendou stared into the startling crimson eyes 
of a being that would not recognize him. 

     Agony. He resisted the urge to shut his own eyes, to escape that 
unwavering but painfully uncomprehending gaze, close out the 
too familiar face that showed no love for him. At this moment, it 
does not matter that this will pass in a matter of days. It makes 
no difference that this body, once acclimated to the overwhelming 
array of sensation, will gradually regain the ability to access the 
memories of its predecessor. Whatever pride or hope he will feel 
later, this moment is only pain.

     <Not Yui,> he told himself again. But the thought was without 
inflection, a calming mantra now, empty of meaning.

     "Rei," he said, this time reaching out to pull the left hand 
away from the body. The flesh was soft, pliant, offering no 
resistance. And pale, so pale. He knew - and it felt so 
wrong! - that it would always remain so. 

     Her movement ceased at his touch, the arm lying where he had 
placed it, but the breath continued to come in ragged, panicked 
gasps.

     "Relax, Rei." Gendou said, knowing that it was imperative to keep 
talking, but no longer knowing why, or for whom. He knew it might 
be days before she was ready to understand human speech again, 
and it might be longer before she spoke. 

     "Your name is Ayanami Rei," he said, his voice still worryingly 
soft, softer than it had been with his late wife, boneless. He 
grabbed at the nearby hospital gown - he had come prepared, after all 
- and swathed it about her shoulders. "_You_ are Ayanami Rei," he 
continued, picking her up in his arms, cradling her. "Do you 
understand?"

     Silence. She was no longer staring at him, and her head and 
limbs remained in the position where he had left them. And now the 
pain, which until now had been contained, he was sure, and merely 
mental, arced throughout his body; his bare hands, his throat - 
against which her forehead hung - wherever he touched her. He 
tightened his grip, unaware if this hurt her, wanting only not 
to drop her, to break her against the laboratory floor. She made 
no sound. 

     "My name is Ikari Gendou," he continued when he was once 
again capable of speech. "I am the director of NERV operations, 
of which you are also a part."

     "Ayanami Rei." Her voice was low, monotonous. And 
more startling than a sudden thunderclap on a still summer night. 
Her breath was no longer labored, but almost undetectable, 
unsure and tremulous against his throat.

     "That's right, Rei," he managed to say, his own voice level, 
"That is your name."

     "That is your name." she repeated. "Your name is Ayanami Rei. 
_You_ are Ayanami Rei. Do you understand?"

*****

     Darkness. He can feel it pressing against him, the blackness 
and the empty space. The room is there too, and the woman curled 
beside him, but he cannot see them, and they are losing substance. 
He can feel his own cramped limbs and tension, his own stale and
unexpelled breath. He feels as if he will burst, as if he will shatter, 
exploding outwards with the force of his own knowledge and hunger. 
But he will not, and he knows this. He has seen the end of the world in 
countless dreams, and has seen himself there. He can feel it 
happening even now, as Tokyo 3 is swallowed by darkness.



     Ritsuko shifted against him slightly and caressed his shoulder. It 
was an unexpected gesture, not quite tender, but extremely gentle. 
There has always been too much history and shared knowledge between 
them for there to be much love, or even comfort. But they have been 
compatible. Companionable. Tonight will be the last night.

*****

     "You have done this before, Rei. Do you remember?"

     It was true. Rei I had spent hours playing in front of mirrors, 
watching her reflection, and occasionally singing snatches of songs 
that played on the television, which remained on continuously 
when there were no visitors. This Rei merely sat in front of the 
mirror, saying and doing nothing. She would stay where she was 
placed, but would not initiate actions, not even to eat or sleep. 
Gendou found it necessary to visit her three times a day to feed 
her a bowl of rice and vegetable paste. She seemed unable to chew 
her food, and she gagged at the taste of meat and vomited if she 
swallowed any. Most of her nutrition was given intravenously. She 
slept rarely, falling asleep wherever she happened to be. She seemed 
listless.

     The memories of the previous Rei were there. Rei II could speak, 
repeating whatever was said to her in the same dull monotone. 
And she could walk perfectly, providing that she was led by 
the hand. If Gendou stopped, she would stop, and not stir until he 
moved her.

     So unlike Yui. It took all of his strength to continue feeding her, 
moving her, looking at her face. 

     Today, he was trying to teach her - reacquaint her with the motor 
skills involved in - drinking from a cup. She swallowed readily from 
the glass of juice he held up to her mouth. 

     "Good, Rei," he said before lifting her hand and folding 
it around the glass. She held it. "You can do this for yourself." She 
continued to drink, but then her hand and entire arm fell limp, as 
if the weight of the glass was too heavy to bear. The glass 
shattered beneath her fingers, cutting them deeply.

     Without speaking, Gendou quickly picked her up and carried her 
to the sink, where he rinsed the hand, examining it for slivers of 
glass. She watched impassively as the blood ran over her wrist, 
washing away. Gendou lifted the hand and held it in front of her 
eyes so that she could follow the sluggish, rhythmic flow of the 
bright red against her pale skin. 

     "You've hurt yourself," he said to her, the sharp, copper scent of 
her blood stinging his nostrils and prickling the back of his throat. 
"I know you can feel it. I know that you're in there. I know you 
remember me, Rei. You are thirteen years old. You are not an infant."

     The fingers twitched, slippery against each other with their 
own blood. She seemed to sigh. 

     "No," she whispered.

*****

     Rei liked to swim. She loved the feel of the water, cold at first, 
then warmer, and warmer, against her skin. She loved the quiet 
of submersion, and the low, muffled, underwater sounds. 
Sometimes she hummed to herself as she swam, a song she couldn't 
remember learning, and yet knew so well. Her own voice sounded 
strange underwater, both louder and closer than it was above the 
surface. It was painful to emerge, needing to breathe, and to be 
assaulted by the steady, shrill roar of the other girls. It made it hard 
to hear at all. So she gave up swimming with her classmates, preferring
to sit by herself, trying to block out the ocean of color and noise that 
surrounded her, trying to think.



     This is the first time that she has ever had classmates like 
this, and she cannot remember ever having acted like them. She 
can remember smiling at Commander Ikari, and occasionally laughing 
in wonder at something he taught, but there has never been this 
sense of loud, raucous carelessness, or this explosive joy. Except
...perhaps there _has_ been, and she just can't remember. There 
seems to be a strange quality to her memories, a break, an invisible 
separation between what happened before and what happened after. 

     She knows, for instance, that she used to be afraid of water, but 
she can't remember how that felt. She remembers Commander Ikari 
teaching her about the Second Impact, and Dr. Akagi bringing 
her gifts of books, her tension hidden behind a forced smile. At the 
same time, there is a memory of weightlessness, of light dispersing 
dimly through the silence, of Commander Ikari smiling, but never 
speaking...of other, unspeakable forms floating in the warm, liquid dark.

     And then there is blankness, after which everything seems 
somehow colder, vicious and unrelenting. Her body is capable 
of feeling cold, and warmth, and even pain, but distantly, and not 
much else. Smiling is possible; her mouth knows the movement, 
her body the posture. But she can never replicate it with the 
other girls, only with the commander, when the expression is 
a familiar one. 

     Today she will synchronize with Eva Unit 00. This possibility 
no longer frightens her; perhaps it never did. For seven months, 
she has been training for this. But even though she knows that this 
is her destiny, her duty, even though the commander has explained 
to her that she is the First Child, somehow born to pilot the 
Evangelion, the entire process seems mechanical, having very 
little to do with her at all.

     But when Commander Ikari speaks of it, she can feel the 
power of his faith, almost tangible through his deliberate 
gestures, the careful steel of his voice. And so she must believe.

*****

     "Activate." Commander Ikari's voice. 

     The LCL level rose, filling the plug. Rei expelled the last of 
her air, allowing her lungs to fill with the heavier liquid. 
<Focus. Synchronize.>

     "Connect the main power supply and all circuits together." 
Dr. Akagi. The familiar undercurrent of tension is almost lost 
beneath her excitement.

     "The main power supply connected. Start the activation 
system...Voltage increasing to the critical point: 0.5, 0.2, rising!" Maya.

     "Start the second phase of the activation system."

     A shudder works itself through the LCL. Or is it her? Something 
is happening - there's something in the LCL - no, it's her plug suit, 
it's tingling all over...beginning to burn. 

     "The pilot has commenced the joining." Shigeru. 

     "Start System Phase II."

     <_No_!  Ritsuko! Ritsuko, _something's happening to me_.>

    "Synapses inserted. Junction started...Power has been transmitted 
up to the brachial muscle in both arms. There are no problems with 
the nerve links."

     Fire. Burning through her arms. Spreading. Why can't she move?

     "Arrange for the third connection."

     <Ikari-san-> She is sobbing now, tears dissipating into the LCL, 
nerves blazing with sensation that is and is not her own. 
<Ikari-san, is this what you meant for me?> 

     Unbearable. She is the center of all the pain in the universe. 
Soon it will eclipse her, if this moment can ever end. 

     <Ikari-san->

     And, abruptly, it does. Deathly numbness, and then impact, and 
then a bright, stabbing pain in her back and arm. But this is a new 
pain, not the dull, distant pain of glass against flesh, nor the all 
encompassing agony she felt in the Eva. Her back throbs in waves, 
her arm in sharp spikes. And her head...

     "Rei!"

     The LCL is draining away, lessening the pressure in her 
lungs. The coolness of the air is so clearly felt and surprising, 
it is agony in itself.

     "Rei, are you all right? Rei!" 

     <...Ikari-san...>



     She looked up into his face, straining, and into his eyes. What 
happened to his glasses? Without them, his eyes seem somehow 
softer, tired and full of fear, but still, so strong. Through the shock 
and the pain, she managed to nod. 

     His eyes, which she knew could sometimes be cold, could 
sometimes be distant, but which were always, _always_ watching 
her, showed relief. 

     "I see," he said

-----end-----