The Son He Never Was
--------------------

by Florencio B. de la Merced, Jr, (fmerced@pworld.net.ph)

In was a horrible accident.  

It was

It was one of times that Ranma felt he

one of those times

shouldn't have been where he was. Not only was he surprised by the suden

sudden

attack by Mousse, but his mother was also passing by the Nekonhaten when

Nekohanten

it happened.  Both Ranma and Mousse were already in the heat of the battle
when Nodoka approached the crowd gathering around the Chinese restaurant.
Ranma was easily deflecting all of Mousse hidden tricks and weapons.  Not

Mousse's

even a hurl of chains with blades on each ends was successful in slowing

on each end
 

"Ranma!  Oh, my god!"  The sudden outburst both stunned the two martial
artist, but Mousse had already hurled a huge sword chainmail at Ranma when

artists,

[snip]

"Oh, my god!  Somebody help me!"  Mousse held in his arms a wounded and
helpless Nodoka, "Shampoo!  Cologne!  Call an ambulance!"  Mousse carried
the almost unconscious woman who Ranma was shocked to realize that it was
his mother that had saved him.  "Help me!"

That's a pretty convoluted sentence. Try breaking it up:
Ranma was shocked to realize that the unconscious woman whom Mousse
carried, the woman who had saved him, was his mother.

Ranma fell to his knees all shook up and unresponsive to anything else but
the thought of what had just happened.  The ambulance arrived later but
still Ranma was still not himself.  Cologne decided to stay with her

You've got two stills here; one will do.

future son-in-law while Shampoo played escort on the ambulance.  Mousse,
on the other hand was already being questioned by the police that had

hand,

responded to the scene.  He was later dragged off to the station.  Cologne
called the Tendo dojo and soon all that needed to know where at the

know were at

Nekonhaten.

Nekohanten.
 

"Mom...," Ranma was breathing irregularly, "Mom..."  Those first few words
was comforting to know.  Ranma was slowly coming back to his senses.

were comforting

"No!"  Ranma cried for the first time in so many years.  He felt a great
deal of saddness right now, that even the warm embrace from his fiancée

sadness right now, such that even the

wasn't able to calm him.

"Ranma...It was an accident."  Akane tried her best, but the more she said
that word, the more that Ranma cried.  Cologne just watched from the
counter.  She too felt for the Ranma.

for Ranma.

"Really?  Oh, that's great news Daddy."  All looked at Nabiki as she

news, Daddy."

replaced the receiver of the telephone.  "Great news guys.

"My stock portfolio is up twenty percent!"

 Mrs. Saotome
is alright."  Kasumi was the first to cheer at the news.  Ranma took some
time to come to his senses.  But as soon as Akane had told him about his
mother he leapt for joy.  He almost brought Akane up in surprised.  Ranma

surprise.

was so delighted at the news that he didn't realize he was already kissing
Akane.  "Um...Ranma!"  No use, Nabiki thought as both youths were still
kissing.

When the two parted it was as if a new Ranma was born.  "I'm so happy.

new Ranma had been born.

Mom's all right!"  Ranma wanted to kiss Akane again, but was instantly
pushed back by Nabiki.

"Well, I'm sure you're happy to do that later, Ranma.  But you've got to

you'll be happy to do

go to the hospital, don't you think."  Ranma nodded and was in another

think?

"Ah, that's good to know." Genma told his son, who was frantically pacing
up and down the hallway.  "Ranma stop walking around."  Just then, the

Ranma,

"She's fine, Mr. Saotome.  She's already awake."  Kasumi was happy too.
Ranma made his way towards the door and entered, Genma didn't have the

entered.

"Ranma?"  Ranma took his mother's hand and squeezed a bit.  It was warm to
the touch and he realized it was the first time he held her since he was a

he had held her

child.  Akane teared at the wonderful sight and tought that it was so

thought

beautiful.  Nabiki was, on the other hand, muttering something about a
camera and why she forgot to bring it.  "Ranma is that you?"  Ranma
nodded.

"It's seppuku time!"

 Nodoka raised her free hand and reached to touch Ranma's smiling
face.  Then, without provocation, she slapped her son.

"Huh?" Both Akane and Nabiki was caught surprised by the incident.

"Ranma!  I'm dissapointed in you," Ranma just felt his cheek, "I allowed

disappointed

your father to take you away from me so that he can teach you how to stand
up on your own and become a man among men."  Akane looked at Nabiki but
her sister too was confused. "But, what did I see.  You were fighting!"
Nodoka sat up on the bed, "and that boy..." She coughed, "He said that you
had to die!  You seemed to have made a lot of enemies, Ranma."  Ranma
wanted to butt in but his conscious held him.  "Martial arts is not about

his conscience held him back.

The door then opened and the doctor, Soun and Kasumi walked in.  Genma

Soun, and

"Um...there is one little problem."  Ranma held his breath.  "When you
arrived in the emergency room earlier, what we only did was stop the

earlier, all we did was

"True," the doctor confirmed, "but, Mrs. Saotome already has only one
kidney left."  Everyone was shocked by the news.  "Mrs. Saotome had been a
gratious member of this hospital's organ donor program. "  Ranma almost

gracious

In another place in Japan, inside a temple.  Belldandy was clearing some

Need a verb.

"Strange?  We've been aske to go somewhere, Keiichi."

asked

"Huh?  Where?"

"Nerima."  Belldandy exhausted herself and tried to sleep.

had exhausted herself, or was exhausted

"Strange?  You're blood test don't match."  Ranma stood at his mother's

Strange. Your blood

side and didn't really realize what the doctor had meant by that.  "And it
seems your kidney won't match too."  The doctor scrolled through a couple

won't match either.

more papers but only had the same conclusion.  "We can't take your kidney,

had only

Ranma."  Ranma was elated but everyone else in the room fully comprehended
the situation.

"What do you mean he's not a match?"  Dr. Tofu was sane already, now that
Kasumi had returned to the dojo.  "Ranma's is her son.  They should be a

Ranma is her son, or Ranma's her son.

"It seems a certain Morisato, Keiichi was also born at the same time and

Morisato Keiichi (no comma)

in the same hospital you were born in."  Everyone was stunned by the
revelation.

Why were they stunned? They thought Ranma was the only one born there?

"Listen, I'm Ranma Saotome.  I'm the son of Nodoka Saotome, got it!"  Tofu

got it?

"Where are you going, Ranma?"  Akane ran after her fiancé.

"To find this Keiichi, dude."

"I'm not a dude, baka!" *WHAM!* (Take out the comma.)


Interesting beginning. You're still gonna have to set up more of a
conflict, though. As it stands it'll be over as soon as K1 shows up and
offers his kidney (or Bel heals Nodoka).


Gary