N.B. This has NOTHING to do with Koskue Fujishima's "Ah!
Megamisama" series. It's an old fic from six months ago that I just got
around to doing a rewrite on in preparation for sending it over to RAAC.

	For those who read the previous draft, here's the major changes:
Some of the narration and descriptions have been rewritten, particulary
the prologue and the beginning of part 3. An epilogue has been added.

	C&C is requested/demanded/pleaded for. Thanks to those who
commented on the previous draft: Keener Barnes, Sean Conner, Dave Eddy,
JD Farber, Dustin Goeller, Matt Posner, and the crew at FFIRC.





			  MEGAMI-SAMA, MASAKA?

		      A Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
			     by Gary Kleppe

	This story is sponsored by the (Takahashi-)Mermaid's Charitable
Fund. Give generously, and you will have our undying gratitude.

	The characters of Ranma 1/2, and those from other series who
make cameos herein, are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko
Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be
freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used
for profit in any way.


			       PROLOGUE

	"Where am I?" George called, hoping there was someone to hear.

	There was no response to his shout, not even an echo. He heard
nothing, and saw nothing but endless gray. He couldn't feel anything
under his feet to stand on, yet he didn't seem to be falling. Or maybe
he was. There was no way to tell up or down, backward or forward. All he
was aware of was himself, and... something else.

	Some powerful presence surrounded him. It was the feeling he
often got, that someone was watching him, but it was magnified a
thousand times from the usual. He couldn't zero in on where it came
from; it seemed to be everywhere.

	Maybe this was a dream, he thought, though it didn't feel like
one of his dreams. The last thing he could remember was being in the
anime room at GenCon. He must have fallen asleep there. He remembered
watching an anime about some mermaid's meat that made people live
forever. That story had certainly been weird enough to give him
nightmares.

	A voice of sorts called out. **GEORGE TOCKUE!** It wasn't really
a sound; it spoke in his head moreso than in his ears.

	"Uhh... that's me." George tried to turn towards the voice, but
it was coming from everywhere. "But I asked *where* am I, not *who* am
I! And who am I talking to?"

	**ONE MOMENT.** At once, the presence coalesced into the form of
a shapely young pointy-eared woman, clad in a tiger-skin bikini. "Sorry
about that. I forgot that you'd need a physical manifestation as a
reference. What do you think? I've always liked this form."

	"It's Lum," George said. He remembered having just watched a
subtitled Urusei Yatsura TV video. A song started running through his
head, the one he thought of whenever he saw this character, and he
absent-mindedly sang it out loud. "It's Lum, It's Lum, she's in my
head..."

	"George no baka!" she yelled, as a giant bolt of electricity
flew from her outstretched arm. George was wracked by pain as his body
contorted in seven different ways at once.

	He stood back up as she giggled coyly. His body ached, but he
didn't seem injured. "You're Lum? The girl from outer space?"

	She laughed again. "Oh, no. I just decided to make myself *look*
like her. I'm a Kami. What you would call a Goddess. This is my plane of
reality. I brought you here."

	"Oh - KAY," George said, trying to digest this information. "A
Goddess? You mean like Belldandy? Can I ask *why* you brought me here?"

	"Do you remember what you said a little while ago? When you were
watching Ranma 1/2?"

	George thought back, but could barely remember his own name.
"Uh... no."

	"You said that if you had the chance, you could tell Ranma and
the others how to solve all of their problems. All it would take is a
little common sense, you said."

	"Oh yeah. I did say that. Er, I mean, not that Ranma and those
people are stupid or anything. It's like, they ought to be able to see
what they can do to get what they want. It would be easy. But they won't
do it."

	"I'm offering you the chance to do what you said you could do. I
can project you into the universe where these characters are real, and
you can interact with them."

	"Really?" George thought this over for a moment. If it was for
real, it was exciting, but also frightening. There had to be a catch,
something this Goddess wasn't telling him. He decided to stall. "Why?
Why are you offering me this?"

	"Because I think it'll be fun."

	Fun for whom, George wondered. That thought wasn't encouraging.
Something was going to go wrong, something she wouldn't tell him about
until it was too late. That was how this kind of thing worked, wasn't
it? "But I don't speak Japanese. Besides, I'm no good at fighting. If I
went to Ranma world they'd probably kick my butt."

	"You will be able to understand everyone there, and they you.
All speech will be dubbed into English for you. As for your lack of
combat skill, there are a couple of things I could do about that. I
could put you in place of one of the non-fighting characters, say Kasumi
or Nabiki, or perhaps Nodoka. No one would attack you. Or you could be a
new martial artist, with an attack capable of taking down Ranma or any
of his friends. What do you say, will that be enough to protect your
'butt'?" She smirked noticeably.

	"Um... okay." That sounded reasonable. This Goddess had an
answer for everything, it seemed. But he still felt suspicious. "But how
do I get back when I want to?"

	"You'll be in the Ranma universe for as long as the body that I 
give you there is alive. When you wish to return here, simply destroy
your temporary body by killing yourself, and you will be returned here
safely."

	"Well..."

	"Or I could just return you to your own universe right now. I'm
sure you can find plenty of exciting things to do there."
	
	"No. I'll go." There was no denying it, it was the chance of a
lifetime, one he couldn't pass up. What could go wrong? He had thought
of everything. "I'll be a martial artist. You're right, it'll be fun.
Let's go!"

	"Very well. Do you have a preferred style of combat?"

	"Uh, no, like I told you I'm not much for fighting."

	"Anything? A favorite sport, perhaps?"

	"No, not really, my main hobby is working with computers,
and..."

	"Okay, that's good enough." The Goddess abruptly floated to a
sitting position. She stared ahead blankly, ignoring George. He opened
his mouth to try to speak, but no words came out.

	He looked again, and found himself eyeing the Goddess' belly
button. A second look confirmed that she had grown larger, and was
expanding by the moment. Or was he shrinking? There was no way to tell
which.

	He drifted involuntarily toward one of her enormous eyes, faster
and faster, as if he were in a plane that was crashing into a lake, or
an ocean. He felt suddenly terrified. This Goddess had taken control of
him effortlessly. He was completely unable to move, completely at her
mercy. She could cast him into Hell, and there would be nothing he could
do about it.

	Inside the eye faint points of light flickered into view, which
became stars as he tumbled through the blackness. He fell steadily and
deliberately toward one particular light...


1: "A rose is not a rose"

	Tatewaki Kuno was eating lunch at the Nekohanten. Half the
student body of Furinkan ate lunch there, ever since the decision that
only Hawaiian food would be available in the school.

	The food at the restaurant filled one's stomach adequately for
a reasonable price; the only drawback was the waiter's lack of
competence. "I, Tatewaki Kuno the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, ordered
the house special ramen! Dare you insult me by giving me pork buns
instead?" It was a good policy to be firm with the serving classes.

	Tatewaki saw his twisted sister, Kodachi the Black Rose, walk
into the establishment. The waiter immediately jumped on her, crying out
"Shampoo! How I've missed you in the time you've been gone! It's been...
at least an hour and a half!"

	"Blind fool!" Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Can you not tell one
person from another? Would you so mistake Ranma Saotome for the
Pig-Tailed Girl?"

	"Stupid Mousse!" the target of Mousse's affections said, in a
voice most unlike what Tatewaki expected from her. "Get back to work or
I hurt you!"

	"Yes, darling Shampoo!" Mousse turned to clear a table. An
identical-looking Kodachi entered the restaurant.

	"Shampoo? Is that you?" The withered crone who owned the
restaurant spoke to the first Kodachi.

	"Of *course* it's her!" Mousse said smugly. "Can't you see? Do
you need *glasses* or something?"

	"Mousse, go scrub out the toilets," Cologne shot back.

	"Er... yes, elder." Mousse sulked away toward the bathroom,
muttering under his breath. "Again? Geez..."

	"Great grandmother, this fault of evil lecher," the first
Kodachi said.

	Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Ranma Saotome did this? That swine!
I shall...."

	Cologne struck with her staff as she walked past the Blue
Thunder, knocking him back into his chair. "She means Happosai, you
fool! Tell us what happened, Shampoo."

	"You right, great grandmother. Happosai steal Shampoo underwear.
I try to get back by power of calm reason...."

				*****

	Shampoo's fist slammed into Happosai. "Give back Shampoo
underwear, old pervert! Or Shampoo KILL!!"

	Rather than dodge, the old man rolled with the blow, using its
momentum to propel him away. He flew through the air, clutching his bag
full of newly acquired undies, as he watched the angry amazon recede
into the distance.

	He crashed headfirst through the roof of a house. Maybe watching
where he was going might have been a good idea. He fell to the floor
inside the house, along with a good portion of the roof.

	As he picked himself off the floor, an elderly woman watched.
"Oh dear, oh dear," the old woman muttered. "Are you a robber? Have you
come to steal my prized possessions?"

	"Not to worry, madam," Happosai said, dusting himself off. "I am
in fact a thief, it's true, but the only thing I steal is underwear
that's been worn by beautiful young women. I think that it's safe to
say..." He eyed the eighty-plus year old woman. "... that I won't find
any of that here."

	"Oh, goodness, such a relief that is. I'm so afraid someone will
take the most valuable thing I own, this box." She pointed out a small,
ornately-carved wooden container. "It's a one-of-a-kind antique that
people would kill to get. It has a name, now what was it. The Box of
E'civedt'olp, they called it. Legends say that it has magical
properties."

	"How very interesting, madam. As it so happens, I have here the
most valuable thing *I* own, my one-of-a-kind underwear collection. It
includes, among other things, a pair of genuine amazon panties. There
are definitely people who would kill to get these -- I've just had an
encounter with one of them. Legends say -- I don't think I even need to
tell you. Whaddaya say, interested in a swap?"

	"Gracious, valuable you say? I suppose so, if you really think
it's a good deal..." The old woman spoke in mumbles, seeming barely
aware of what she was saying.

	"We have an agreement, then." Happosai set down his bag, and
cradled the box in his left hand. "I'll just be going, then, and....
Well, what do you know?" He looked at the bag in mock surprise and
amazement. "Here is a bag full of women's undies! I just happen to be an
underwear thief! How fortunate!" He grabbed the bag back into his right
hand and bounded up through the hole he had made, onto the roof.

	Like taking candy from a baby, Happosai mused, as he jumped down
from the roof and sauntered down the street. Now he would try to find
out what the box did, if anything. The old woman was obviously senile,
there was no way she would catch him. He was in the clear.

	Suddenly a bonbori crashed down, nearly missing his head.
"Shampoo KILL!!"

	Okay, he wasn't quite in the clear. Still, he figured he ought
to be able to get away, seeing as it was just one pursuer.

	He felt something wrap around his leg. He heard another voice,
and turned to see the leotard-clad figure of Kodachi Kuno. "OHOHOHOHOHO!
Raiding the locker room at St. Hebereke was a grave mistake, sensei!"

	Okay, it wasn't just one. Happosai realized he might be in for a
pounding. Kodachi pulled on the gymnastics ribbon that was wrapped
around his leg, causing him to trip. The box slipped out of his hand.
"Hey! Leggo! This is the legendary Box of E'civedt'olp! Don't you know
what could..."

	The box tumbled to the floor, and fell open. An eerie
yellow-green light shone from within, bathing Shampoo and Kodachi in its
glow...

				*****

	"So!" Tatewaki raised his bokken defiantly. "The old lecher
through dark sorcery has split my sister into two people, and done Gods
know what to the lovely Shampoo? He must be made to pay! The Blue
Thunder shall..."

	"Brother dear," the second Kodachi interrupted, "I haven't been
spilt into two. I am me; that over there is your lovely Amazon waitress
who has been transformed to *look* like me."

	"Ah." Tatewaki scrached his head as he tried to comprehend this
new information. "Well, whatever. Old crone, know you of any way to
reverse this effect?"

	"I have heard of the Box of E'civedt'olp," Cologne said. "It is
an artifact of chaos; a very strange thing indeed. It is said to cause
random, unpredictable changes in those whom it affects. In this case, it
appears that Shampoo has been linked with your sister, causing her to
take on her appearance. She may go back and forth between looking like
herself and looking like Kodachi, before the effect finally wears off."

	"It will wear off?" queried Tatewaki. "How soon?"

	"A matter of days; perhaps a week or so. The only other thing I
know of that would break it would be the death of one of the two linked
persons."

	"Do not worry. The honor of the Blue Thunder would not permit my
harming in any way one as innocent and lovely as your fair
great-granddaughter."

	"I doubt you could even if you tried," Cologne said sternly.
"Moreover, if you were to cause any harm whatsoever to Shampoo, then I
would have to hunt you down. Filial love forms strong bonds indeed!"

	"So I have heard." Tatewaki moved toward the exit. "So, let us
be off. The old lecher must be made to pay!"

	Cologne zipped around to stand in front of Tatewaki, and glared
at him. "First, it is you who must pay, young man."

	"Ah yes. The house special. Four hundred yen was it? There you
are." He handed money to Cologne, then turned to the girl who looked
like his sister. "And I say to you, fair one, that were my heart and
soul not fully and exclusively given to Akane Tendo, and the Pig-Tailed
Girl, the deepest love and affection of the Blue Thunder would be
pledged to you."

	"Why thank you, brother dear," she replied, "but I don't think
it would work out. Let us go."

				*****

	George stood on the grass, looking at the new world around him.
After being in limbo for who knew how long, he had finally arrived
somewhere! He moved around, relieved to be in control of himself again.

	His surroundings looked ordinary enough, some sort of park with
houses across the street; not that much different from the city he had
left. Maybe it had been a joke, a hallucination, and he wasn't going to
be meeting characters from anime.

	"HAHAHA!! You can't catch me!" A little old man carrying a large
sack bounced rapidly off of George's head, knocking him down.

	"Hey!" George said, struggling to get up. "That was --"

	"OHOHOHOHO!!!" A girl in a leotard ran after the old man, using
George's head as a stepping point. "You will not escape the Black Rose,
sensei! I will have my underwear back before you discover the secret
compartments!"

	"-- and --"

	"Pervert-man not escape!" Another girl, looking identical to the
first, bounded off of George's head.

	"-- and another --"

	He didn't even try to get up this time. "The righteous vengeance
of the Blue Thunder shall not be denied!" A boy in kendoists' robes
added to the footprint collection on the back of George's scalp.

	"-- and what's his name..."

	George waited until he could be sure that it was clear. This was
not a promising beginning. Still, things would get better. He looked
carefully toward the direction from which the people had come, After
minutes had passed, he was satisfied that there were no more on the way,
and so he stood up.

	"HAHA!! I doubled back!" The old man ran into him from the other
direction, knocking him back down for the other three to trample over
again. He decided to just lie there until winter when the snow would
cover him up.

	"Wait a minute," he said to himself. "I'm a martial artist here.
That Goddess said so!" Proudly, defiantly, he stood up, breathing a sigh
of relief when no one knocked him back down right away. He saw that the
old man was circling back toward his location, and had apparently picked
up another pursuer: a pigtailed boy, whom George recognized very well.

	George stood, intending to attack Happosai. But how? Then he
felt an instinct take over. He cried out, "School of Cyberspace Martial
Arts -- Attack!" Cyberspace martial arts?!? GMAFB, he thought.

	"Floppy Disk Strike!" George yelled, as he threw several razor
sharp three and a half inchers in rapid succession. Strange, he thought.
Why hadn't the Goddess given him CD-Roms instead? They'd be much more
aerodynamic.

	The old man dodged, the disks embedding themselves in a nearby
tree. "Nice try, sonny!"

	The others stood and watched as George continued. "Magnetic Tape
Attack!" he said, hiding his embarrassment. Who used magnetic tape
anymore? Didn't Goddesses know anything about computers? He produced a
metallic ribbon with which he tried to ensnare Happosai; this too was
dodged.

	"Special attack: Chiasa Aonuma .JPG Strike!" He threw out an
over-sized color print-out of a very shapely, very naked young woman.
Happosai immediately forgot about the fight and stopped to stare.

	Ranma, Kuno, and the two lookalikes leapt on top of Happosai and
pummelled him. The women ripped open his bag and searched through, each
pulling out a particular set of underwear.

	Ranma went to greet George. "Hey, that was pretty cool! I ain't
never seen attacks like those before. I'm Ranma Saotome."

	"George Oscar Tockue the third. I'm not from around here.
Actually I'm from a whole 'nother world. Another universe, you might
say. Where I come from, you guys are just characters in an anime."

	"Uh huh," Ranma shook George's hand hesitantly, rolling his
eyes. "Anyway, I guess anyone who beats up Happosai is a friend of mine.
Except that Pantyhose creep, of course." Ranma's grip tightened, causing
George a bit of pain. "Gonna be around here for a while?"

	"I think so. This is fun!" George noticed one of the Kodachis
looking at him in a way that made him a bit nervous. Still, it didn't
dampen his enthusiasm.

				*****

	From somewhere else, the Goddess looked down at the scene and
laughed. The fun was just beginning.



2: "I'm here to help you!"


	After wandering around for about an hour, George ended up at the
Tendo dojo. This was it, he thought. He'd prove how easy it would be to
change things around here.

	He stuffed an envelope into the mailbox. This was the first
step. Of everything that went he had seen in the videos, one thing had
outraged him more than anything else. He was going to put a stop to it
right away.

	As George stood, picturing in his mind what he would do next, he
heard the sound of a bell from behind him. Before he could turn around,
something struck him in the head, knocking him to the ground.

	He rose slowly and carefully, used to this sort of thing by now,
and turned to look. There on the bicycle was a girl with luxurious black
hair that reached down past her waist. Her body, muscular but not the
least bit unfeminine, filled out her shimmering silk dress in a way that
he had never dreamed possible.

	The girl turned to George. "Why you get in way of Shampoo's
bike?" she said, as he quickly moved his gaze up to her face.

	"Uh... I... that is..." he responded as he mentally kicked
himself. Here was the sexiest, most beautiful girl that he could ever
remember seeing, and he couldn't manage to say anything coherent.

	"Keep out of way! Shampoo need finish deliver ramen. Then I go
ask Ranma for date! I look like self now, but could turn back any time
to look like crazy ribbon girl. Then Ranma never agree to date. Aiyou!"

	Wheels turned in George's mind. Shampoo was the one who had to
marry the one who defeated her in combat... and the Goddess said that he
would be able to defeat anyone here! Therefore...

	"Shampoo!" he blurted out. "I challenge --"

	Too late, she had already gone.

	Oh well, there would be other chances. Meanwhile he could do
other things. He headed to the Tendo home.

				*****

	"You're here to do what?" asked an incredulous Ranma.

	"Solve all your problems," George replied matter-of-factly.
"Didn't you hear me the first time?"

	"Man, just stay away from me," Ranma said. "Nothin' personal,
but I got enough trouble already without somebody else going along and
making things worse." As he spoke, he tied the Box of E'civedt'olp shut
with a sturdy length of rope. "Like this stupid box. Stuff like this is
always nothing but a pain in the butt." He finished by putting a
hastily-lettered sign in front of the bound container. "There, this'll
keep people away from this thing for sure!"

	"Jerk!" Akane whacked Ranma on the head with a convenient
flowerpot as she read the sign he had written: DANGER! KEEP OUT!
CONTAINS AKANE'S COOKING!

	Kasumi came into the room. "Look who's here!" she said
cheerfully as a boy in a bandanna followed behind her.

	He was Ryoga, George remembered. The one who takes advantage of
Akane, sleeps in her bed disguised as her pet. How could anyone be such
an honorless.... pig? Anyway, it would soon be over.

	"Ryoga's come for dinner, isn't that nice?" Kasumi handed an
envelope to her youngest sister. "By the way, this was in the mailbox
for you, Akane."

	"That's strange," Akane said as she stared curiously. "It
doesn't say who it's from, just to open it the next time I see P-chan.
Maybe it's an advertisement for a new pet grooming tool or something.
I'll just put it up in my room, I guess." She went up the stairs as
Kasumi went to the kitchen.

	George glared at Ryoga. "I sent her that letter, you know. Your
days of playing P-chan and sleeping in her bed are over, pal."

	"What?!?" Ryoga was flabbergasted. "What -- what do you mean?"
He grabbed George by his shirt. "Who the hell are you, and what business
is it of yours what I do anyway?"

	"Hey, you can't talk to me like that!" George pushed Ryoga's
hand off of him. "I'm a martial artist too, y'know! I'm telling you to
stay away from Akane. Go hook up with that girl who likes you; Bukari,
or whatever her name is. Or with Ukyo. A lot of people think you and her
would be a good couple. But not Akane. She and Ranma are destined to be
together." He noticed Ranma and Ryoga looking at him as if he were a
raving lunatic.

	"It's obvious that Ranma doesn't deserve Akane!" Ryoga pointed
to the sign that Ranma had drawn. "Look at the way he insults her and
makes mean jokes about her cooking all the time!"

	"Who's joking?" Ranma said dryly. "Her cooking even makes the
pots and pans upchuck."

	"I'll show you, Ranma!" Ryoga cried in a frenzy. "I respect
Akane and appreciate what she does! I'll EAT her cooking!" He began
frantically ripping off the ropes that Ranma had tied around the box.

	"You moron!" Ranma yelled. "Don't open that..." Heedless, Ryoga
threw open the box lid. A strange green glow from inside bathed both
Ryoga and George, before Ranma went around and pushed it shut from the
other end.

	"So it glows green," Ryoga admitted. "That still doesn't mean
that it's bad cooking!"

	"I'm used to you being a jerk, Ryoga." Ranma turned to glare at
George. "But you are getting on my nerves, pal. You might be the most
annoying person I've ever met."

	A voice came from outside. "Pig-Tailed Girl!"

	"Okay, maybe not the *most* annoying.... Whattaya want, Kuno?"
Ranma asked, sounding uninterested.

	"Saotome! What have you done with the Pig-Tailed Girl? Release
her at once from whatever captivity you have placed her under, so that I
may date with her!"

	"I'll settle this," George said. "C'mon into the kitchen, Kuno.
I'll show you something about your Pig-Tailed Girl."

	The four men went into the kitchen where Kasumi cooked, humming
contentedly to herself.

	George picked up a glass from the dish rack and filled it with
water. Ryoga backed away slowly. "Watch carefully," George said to Kuno. 
"See this?" He poured the water on Ranma, causing him to change sex.
"See! See! This is your 'Pig-Tailed Girl'!"

	Kuno watched with amazement. "I... I never imagined... and the
transformation is triggered? By water?"

	"Yep! Pour cold water and you've got your Pig-Tailed Girl, hot
water turns her into Ranma. Do you get it?!?"

	"This sorcerous effect... it will wear off?"

	"No, you idiot!" Cologne? Why did she say that, George wondered.
"It's permanent. It'll happen every time your Pig-Tailed Girl comes in
contact with water. Here, I'll show you again." He grabbed a steaming
pot from the stove and dumped its contents over Ranma. Ranma was male.
He was also covered with something white and sticky.

	"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I'm afraid that was the steamed rice
for tonight's dinner."

	George searched for something to say as he noticed Ranma and
Ryoga looking furiously at him. "Oops."

				*****

	"Man, this bites," George said, walking down the sidewalk and
nursing the painful bumps on his head. "You try to help someone, and
what do you get? They didn't even let me stay for dinner."

	Abruptly, some sort of instinct raised an alarm in George's
head. He jumped to the side a moment before a splash of water hit the
spot where he had just been standing.

	Whew, he thought, that was close. "Hey, be careful with that,
willya?" Wait a minute! What reason did he have to be worried about
water? Maybe the place was getting to him. He looked to see where the
water had come from.

	It was an old lady. "I'm so sorry, young man," she said. George
was pretty sure that he'd seen her before. She was the one who'd caught
Ranma a bunch of times with her water on the way to school.

	"That's okay. I don't suppose you could tell me where I could
get something to eat, couldja? Only I haven't really got any money to
pay. I didn't think about that when I got sent here."

	"Try some of this." The old woman held out a piece of food,
which George gobbled up greedily. It was some sort of fish, though he
couldn't figure out what kind. It was delicious, maybe the best he'd
ever tasted.

	"You wouldn't happen to have more, would you..." He looked back
to find that the old woman was no longer there. That strange feeling in
his mind told him that he was being watched. He could hear the faintest
trace of... laughter? He ignored it and went to look for more food
somewhere else.

	Walking down the street, he soon came to something that wasn't
food but nevertheless made him hunger.

	Shampoo. He saw her standing behind the outer walls of some
large estate. He stood, watching her as she moved, mesmerized by the way
the afternoon sun reflected off of the Chinese dress, her perfect body
nearly bursting out of it.

	Later he would figure out a way to get Shampoo together with
Mousse or somebody. Right now, this was probably the only chance he'd
ever have at a girl this gorgeous.

	George jumped up from his hiding place, yelling "Shampoo, I
challenge you!" Before the girl could react, his magnetic tape wrapped
around her, immobilizing her. She was beaten.

	"I have defeated you!" George proclaimed. "By the laws of the
Amazons, this means... uh, you know. Hey, you got anything to eat around
here? I'm starved."

	She thought a moment, then her puzzled expression changed to a
smile. "You want food? Why, certainly. Wait here for just a moment." She
slipped out of George's tape and vanished into the estate.

	Some warning light in the back of George's mind went off.
Something wasn't right, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was.

	Her speech! That was it. Up until now, Shampoo had always used
really bad English... or Japanese, or whatever they were speaking here.
She'd just spoken to him correctly. How could that be?

	There was only one explanation. She'd been faking all this time!
She must talk that way just to keep people off guard, and must've
decided she didn't need to do it with him anymore. Sure, that made
sense.

	George saw Shampoo bound back to where he was, carrying a plate
of cookies. She handed the plate to him, and he quickly scarfed them all
down.

	This was unbelievably great, he thought! He'd be married to
Shampoo, and he could... he could... why was everything spinning?

	George's face fell directly into the cookie plate. The last
thing he was aware of was the girl who looked like Shampoo casually
flinging him over one shoulder and carrying him away, all the while
laughing insanely.

				*****

	Kodachi watched her captive for any signs of consciousness. She
was getting impatient. The sleeping potion she had put in her cookies
ought to have worn off by now.

	Fortunately, she had changed back into looking like herself
again. The curse of that magical box caused her to transform at random
times into a double for that barbarian waitress. This was not a
desirable thing at all. Still, it had spared her some effort in
capturing this young fool.

	She checked again, ascertaining that her prisoner was securely
bound. His legs were tied with a rope that went up and around the limb
of a large tree, and he hung down with his head on the bottom. His arms
were likewise bound behind his body. There would be no way for him to
escape.

	He finally began to wake. A worried look crossed his face as he
noticed how he was trussed up, and who his captor was. Kodachi laughed,
as loudly and evilly as she could manage, to make him feel worse.

	"What... what are you doing?" he stammered.

	"It's simple. My dear, dear pet, Mr. Turtle, needs a little
variety in his diet. I'm counting on you to provide that for him."

	"I don't have anything on me. I could run down to a pet store
and buy some turtle food..."

	"No, no. I'm afraid you misunderstand. Mr. Turtle is going to be
having *you* for dinner."

	"Well, I guess I could join him for dinner... I wouldn't have to
eat turtle food myself, would I? I don't even know what they eat. And
are we going to be eating hanging down from a tree? That's pretty weird
if you ask..."

	Kodachi leaned over as if to whisper into George's ear. He bent
over as far as he could and listened closely.

	"I'M GOING TO FEED YOU TO MY PET ALLIGATOR, YOU MORON!!!"

	"Unless," she pulled back, clearing her throat and regaining her
composure, "unless you can give me some reason not to. Something you
could do for me that would justify your existence. But I don't suppose
there is anything like that."

	A thoughtful expression crossed George's face. Come on, Kodachi
thought, come on! Offer the secret to travel between the two universes!
She needed him to think of offering it himself; he wouldn't be stupid
enough to tell her the secret if he knew it was what she wanted, would
he?

	"Okay," George said. "I know what you want, and I guess I've got
no choice."

	Then again, maybe he would. "Good." Kodachi looked George
straight in the eye. At last, she was getting somewhere with him. "Now
tell me how you do it."

	"Uh... I don't really use any special technique, or anything...
Some of my friends have done it a lot more than me."

	"There are others from your universe with this capability?"

	"Oh, sure! Everybody does it there! Well, not everybody, but
most people have done it at least once, I think. Except priests and
people like that."

	Kodachi tried to hide her amazement. A whole world full of
people able to travel to different realities? Why had she never heard of
this before? "You will give me a step-by-step description of how you do
it," she said. "Then you will demonstrate for me."

	"Uh, okay, if you say so." George started whispering some things
into Kodachi's ear.

	"NOT THAT, YOU IDIOT!!!!" She struck him upside the head with a
gymnastics club, a disgusted expression on her face.

	"I'm afraid that you'll have to be Turtle food, then," she said
tauntingly. "I'll just leave you hanging here until Mr. Turtle is good
and hungry." The sky was rumbling. Good. Maybe being forced to hang out
in the rain would make him come to his senses, He would eventually offer
her the secret to cross into his reality. He *had* to think of that
eventually; he couldn't be *that* dense, could he? Then the Black Rose
would have access to other dimensions. Who knows what she might find in
some of them?

	Of course she wouldn't actually feed a human being to her pet.
Though the idea *was* amusing, and it was likely that he wouldn't be
missed, at least not in *this* universe... Kodachi laughed loud at the
thought.

				*****

	A loud, jubilant laugh came from the Tendo bathroom.
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

	Ranma went to investigate, finding a naked Ryoga in the tub.
"What the heck are you doin', ya jerk?" Ryoga responded by playfully
splashing water at Ranma, turning him into a her.

	"Why'd you... hey, waitaminit!" Ranma looked at Ryoga for a
second and noticed his condition, then noticed the cool temperature of
the bath water. "You're cured!?"

	Ranma thought for a moment as he turned the hot water on
himself. "Oh, I get it. It was that dumb box, wasn't it.... Don't get
too excited, Porky. The ghoul said that whatever that thing does is only
temporary."

	"I don't care! I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!" Ryoga
splashed Ranma a second time, turning him female again.

	Ranma stormed out of the bathroom, into the kitchen to heat up a
kettle of water. "Stupid, good-for-nothing..."

	 Akane poked her head into the kitchen. "Are you talking about
P-chan? Have you seen him? Is he back? I'm so worried about him!"

	"Uh, no, I meant somebody else. I ain't seen P-chan. He'll turn
up eventually, I guess, he always does. But he ain't gonna be sleepin'
in your bed tonight." Hah. Tough luck, Ryoga, you jerk. Like they say,
he who wins shall lose.

				*****

	"No, I've not seen darling Ranma today, brother dear," Kodachi
said. "I would expect him to be at the home of that horrid Akane."

	"He was not present when I visited there earlier today,"
Tatewaki replied. "I thought it to be he with whom you conversed out in
the yard. No matter, I shall find him! For what he has done this time,
Saotome shall pay!"

	"It was not Ranma, dear brother. Merely some miscreant intruder
whom I dealt with."

	"Someone dared trespass in the Kuno home? I shall demonstrate to
him the error of his ways!"

	"Splendid idea, brother. Right this way." She led him through
the wet shrubbery toward where she had tied up the boy. Perhaps the much
vaunted Blue Thunder could loosen up the young fool's tongue. And if the
boy were to reveal any secrets, Tatewaki would not have the necessary
vision or imagination to exploit them the way that she could.

	To Kodachi's surprise, it was an empty rope that hung down from
the tree. Her prisoner had escaped. How? And his clothes were lying in a
pile beneath the tree. Was he now running around naked?

	She noticed something concealing itself in the brush. Her
gymnastics ribbon quickly flashed, and she fished out a black shape. It
was a dark, frightened animal -- one that she had seen before.

	"You! What are you doing here?" she asked indignantly.

	"Bu-kee!" came the reply.


3: "Escape!"

	"OHOHOHOHOHO!!!! It is the pet vermin of the wicked Akane Tendo!
Come to Kodachi! I know how to make you useful!"

	George slipped out of Kodachi's ribbon and ran as fast as his
pig legs would carry him. He didn't want to know her idea of "useful".
How had this happened to him? How could he have acquired Ryoga's curse?

	The outer wall of the estate loomed before him, as tall as a
skyscraper from his perspective. He scurried along the ground at its
base, hoping desperately that the evening shadows would hide him from
Kodachi.

	After crawling through the brush for what seemed like miles, he
came to an exit gate. Forcing his pig body between the bars, he slipped
out onto the sidewalk.

	Cars the size of houses zoomed by on the road as George quickly
made his way away, the concrete scraping painfully on his shoeless
appendages. Soon he had no idea where he was. Did he now have Ryoga's
problem with directions too? Or was it just the smallness of his new
form?

	He came across a house, and ducked in through the opened door.
Hopefully, he could get some hot water somewhere inside.

	Moving through the house as fast as he could, he listened for
anyone who might be present, but heard nothing. With his luck, he
thought, he had probably come around in a circle and was now back in
Kodachi's house.

	He finally came to a door. This would be the bathroom, if the
house he was in was the same as the Tendo home, as it seemed to be.
Slamming his piglet body against it, he managed to get it to swing open.
Just a little hot water, and everything would be all right.

	Inside the bathroom, a short-haired girl dried herself with a
towel. Happy recognition crossed her face as she turned. "P-chan!!" she
exclaimed, as her towel fell away. "P-chan, don't be afraid, it's me!"

	George caught sight of Akane's magnificiently-conditioned body
in its full naked glory. Blood gushed from his nose as the world spun
into blackness.

				*****

	George found himself on a bed in a neat and tidy room. Akane,
sitting next to him in her pajamas, smiled at him warmly.

	"Oh P-chan, I'm so glad you're all right!" she cried, as she
grabbed him into a tight hug.

	George had been with a few different girls in his life, and had
even gone all the way once or twice. But never had he felt anything like
the tenderness and warmth of Akane's embrace. It was like coming home,
finding a home that he had never known. Finally, everything *was* all
right, there in her arms.

	Akane turned off the light and lay down on the bed. "Good night,
P-chan!" she said, as George snuggled close to her. If this was what
being a pig meant, he could be a pig for a while.

	The light came on again.

	"Oh, I almost forgot. I wonder what this letter says?" She
picked up the envelope that George had left for her earlier and began to
tear it open. Contentment gave way to total panic as he remembered what
he had written.

	"That's strange. I wonder why it says to do that? I guess it
couldn't hurt to try, though." Akane took George in her arms, ignoring
his frantic protests, leaving her room, carrying him toward the
bathroom.

	"Don't be afraid," she said, turning on one of the faucets.
"Mommy won't hurt you. It's only a little hot water." She moved George
under the spigot, his pig body unable to resist her strength.

	"Uh...." George found himself suddenly back in his normal body.
"About not hurting me..."

	Akane's scream filled the household.

				*****

	Ranma, Kasumi, Nabiki, Genma, and Soun came running. "What is
it, Akane?" they shouted.

	"I'LL KILL HIM!!! My P-CHAN! All this time, this PERVERT was my
P-chan, sleeping in my bed!" She brandished a mallet that had not been
there a second ago, and swung back, aiming to knock George's head into
the ground like a railroad spike.

	Ranma got a look as if he were putting two and two together.
"Hey wait!" he said, grabbing Akane's mallet in mid-backswing. "This
guy's not P-chan! That box thing made him *look* like P-chan!"

	"Oh," Akane said, taking in this new revelation. Then her angry
expression returned. "But he was in my BED! He was going to SLEEP WITH
ME tonight!"

	"Uh, I guess you got a point there." Ranma let go of the mallet.
The others murmured in agreement as Akane swung back again.

	Suddenly a voice called out, "SAOTOME!!!!!" Everyone turned to
see Tatewaki Kuno determinedly rushing toward them.

	"Yes?" Genma said.

	"Not YOU!" Kuno retorted.

	"What?" Ranma snapped. "Whattaya want?"

	"It is you this time, is it not?"

	"Of course it's me, idiot! I'm Ranma Saotome! Who else would..."

	"Then DIE!! Die for what you have done to the Pig-Tailed Girl!
*Strike!* *Strike!* *Strike!*" Kuno launched a rapid-fire series of
bokken thrusts. Ranma, unprepared for the ferocity of the attack, dodged
frantically.

	"Hey!" George interrupted. "I thought I explained..."

	"Indeed you did. *Strike!* You showed me how the Pig-Tailed Girl
*Strike!* had been cursed to take on the appearance of Ranma Saotome, in
the same way that the lovely Shampoo was cursed to take on the
appearance of my insane *Strike!* sister. What a dark, foul deed, to
despoil a young and beautiful flower *Strike! Strike!* to satisfy his
own vanity. And you told me that this effect was permanent. Therefore
*Strike!* the only way *Strike! Strike!* to rescue the Pig-Tailed Girl
is for her foul tormentor to DIE!! Why *Strike!* have you no clothes?"

	"Huh?" George noticed his own nudity for the first time since
he'd changed back into a human.

	Ranma took advantage of the distraction to give Kuno a quick
kick in the face, sending him through the wall. He glared at George.
"This is all your fault. You tell me you're here to solve my problems,
and then this? And sleeping with Akane?!?" He was seething with anger.

	George decided that this would be a good time to make a
strategic withdrawal. He ducked out through the Kuno-shaped hole in the
wall and ran as fast as he could. He saw Ranma, Akane, and Soun chasing
him, yelling "Come back here!"

	Kuno got up. "Sleeping with Akane? That is a crime more heinous
even than anything Saotome has done! I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall punish you,
fiend!" He chased after George.

	Another voice was heard. "OHOHOHOHO!!!! There you are! I will
have what I want from you, even if I have to kill you to get it!"
Thoughts of his dead body being used in some rather disgusting ways made
George run even harder.

	Happosai leapt into view. "Hey! You're the one who stole my
undies!" He joined the chase.

	George came around the block and was face-to-face with Shampoo.
She would help him, she had to. By Amazon law he was now legally her
husband! "Shampoo, it's me! The one who defeated you in combat! You've
got to help me!" he said as he rushed toward her.

	"What crazy naked boy talking?!?" she said, punching him in the
stomach. "Make slur on Shampoo's reputation? I KILL!!" He ran as she
began chasing him as well.

				*****

	George's heart was pounding as if it was about to explode. He
remembered an old cartoon. *Help me, Mister Wizard! I don't want to be a
martial artist anymore!*

	After what seemed like hours, he stopped running, though he
couldn't stop puffing and panting. Finally it seemed that there was no
one chasing him. He was in the clear.

	"Hey there." Ranma stepped out from the evening shadows,
cracking his knuckles.

	"It wasn't supposed to happen this way," George said, to no one
in particular. "Not this way at all."

	"You stupid screw-up." Ranma said. "I oughtta give you a good
pounding right now."

	"Oh, yeah?" George felt his second wind -- or maybe it was his
third or fourth. He was tired of being made a fool of. "Just try it,
pal. I've got an attack that's guaranteed to take you down." George felt
an energy building up inside of him as both boys assumed combat stances.
"This is it!" he yelled. "Cyberspace School of Martial Arts Final
Attack! The..."

	The killfile.

	All at once George knew that the Goddess had told him the truth.
She *had* given him an attack that could take down Ranma. In fact, it
would kill him. George had come to help Ranma. He got everything wrong,
caused him nothing but trouble, and now he was going to end up killing
him. That George, real helpful guy he is.

	On the other hand, Ranma was just a cartoon character, wasn't
he? And wouldn't killing him mean that Shampoo would then belong to the
man who killed him? The others would be pissed off, they'd try for
revenge, but he could escape with Shampoo back to her village. He could
become king of the Amazons!

	The energy within George built toward its climax. There was no
turning back now, the energy was there, the attack had to be made. He
saw things clearly for the first time. He could see what he needed to do
to get everything he had ever wanted.

	But he wouldn't do it.

				*****

	There was a loud *PLONK*, followed by a scream of deathly agony.
The angry mob led by Akane went to investigate.

	"Huh?" Akane gaped in shock. "He's... dead?!?"

	"Yeah," Ranma said. "He was gonna use his attack on me, but
looks like it backfired on him instead. Looks like we'll never know who
he really was."

	"Oh... that's too bad, I guess." She had wanted to kill George
herself moments earlier, but when someone was dead it was hard not to
feel sorry for him.

	Unnoticed, a familiar little old lady watched the scene. "George
no baka," she said to no one with a chuckle.

	She carried the Box of E'civedt'olp. It was time for it to be
put away; it had served its purpose.

	She let go of her body; it, along with the Box, dissolved into
the ether. This form was another one of her favorites, it was good for
catching people off-guard; but for now it had served its purpose as
well. The part of her essence that had given life to this manifestation
rose up through the cosmos, and merged into her larger being.

	She had been right, it had been fun. This one had provided her
with even more amusement than she had expected.

	And the fun wasn't over. It was just beginning.

				*****

	George regained consciousness and looked around. He stood on a
street corner, one that looked a lot like the one he had fought Ranma
on. But this had to be the real world. The Goddess had told him that the
death of his body in this world would take him back to his own universe.

	But why did he still have his magnetic tape ribbon and razor
floppies? That didn't make any sense!

	George's finger accidentally scraped the edge of one of his
razor floppy disks. Blood trickled from the wound, but soon stopped as
the cut miraculously closed. Within a few moments there was no trace of
it.

	The old woman! The food she had given him was the Mermaid Meat
from that video! He now had a body that couldn't be killed. Still, that
might not be so bad if...

	"Hey!" The angry mob that had been chasing George came around
the corner.

	He was still in the Ranma world.

	"He's not dead!"

	He was stuck there, with no way to get home.

	"It was a trick!

	"Let's get him!"

	George ran.


				EPILOGUE

	George had to stop. He couldn't feel his legs anymore. He felt
as if he'd ran farther than he ever had before. If he hadn't lost them,
he never would.

	He looked at his surroundings. In front of him stood a somewhat
run-down two-story building. Its sign identified it as an apartment
house.

	A pretty woman came out. She wore blue jeans and a sweater, with
her long hair tied back into a bow. "Oh, hello! Have you come about the
handy-man job? Did father-in-law send you?"

	George just stood, puzzled.

	"We were a bit surprised when the company suddenly offered to
pay for a full-time repairman. Not that the place doesn't need one.
You'll have your hands full here. I'm afraid the job doesn't pay much,
but you do get a free room out of the deal."

	A young man in jeans and a black T-shirt emerged from the
building. "Kyoko, please listen to me!" he said desperately.

	Kyoko turned away from the new arrival and continued speaking to
George. "You'll be in room three, just inside and down the hall. I'm the
resident manager. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me
know." She walked into the building.

	The young man sat on the steps, tears forming in his eyes. "Oh,
Kyoko... Kyoko...."

	George turned to him, ignoring a strange feeling of deja vu.
"Got trouble?"

	"It's just a stupid misunderstanding. She... she thinks that
Kozue and I..."

	"Don't worry about it, pal." George put a hand on the man's
shoulder, reassuringly. "I'm here to help." Yes, he'd be the handy-man.
Whatever problems this guy and Kyoko were having, he'd fix them.

	After all, what could go wrong?


			       THE END



	AUTHOR'S NOTES: When I first read Ranma, before I had ever heard
of fanfiction, I imagined that I could go into the Ranmaverse myself.
Surely with my knowledge of the series, I thought, I would be able to
help Ranma and friends out, tell them things that would make life easier
for them. It would be easy to change the status quo.

	As we fanfiction enthusiasts know, there are actually many
plausible ways in which the status quo of the Ranmaverse might change,
with or without an interfering outsider present. Many fics have been
written with believable scenarios in which Akane finds who P-chan is, or
in which Kuno realizes who his Pig-Tailed Girl is, for example.

	Changing the status quo is easy; the trick is to *keep* it from
being changed. It was the genius of Rumiko Takahashi-sama that kept the
Ranma 1/2 series going through thirty-eight volumes, maintaining the
equilibrium of the series while keeping it ever fresh and interesting.

	Please note that I am NOT saying that fanfics shouldn't change
the status quo. Whether this is a good thing or not depends on the
particular story.

	The title of this fic is based on a line from the Urusei Yatsura
anime; specifically, the "Age of Dinosaurs" TV episode. Lum (whose
appearance the Goddess takes on in the beginning of this story) is from
UY, and the characters at the end are Kyoko and Yusaku from Maison
Ikkoku.

	C&C is most welcome on this or any other of my works; in any
case, I hope you enjoyed it.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics