"David A. Tatum" <desaix@sysnet.net> wrote:

Ranma 1/2:  The Return of the Sisters
by David A. Tatum and The Eternally Lost Lurker

Ranma gawked at her as she left the tent wearing just a VERY flimsy
nightgown, with obviously nothing underneath the translucent material. 
Then he remembered- 'Oh, yeah... this is our honeymoon... she's supposed to
wear stuff like that for me...'

Heh. Sounds like Ranma!

Akane's mood lifted a little.  "Oh, is that all?"  She giggled a little,
though her mood was effected by the memories of what happened.  "Well, for

affected

"Especially now," Kurumi said. Natsume fired her a glare that would
be hard to miss.

that would have been hard to miss.

"How did it happen?"  She asked.  It wasn't quite in her usual
business-like tone of voice, but it was at least she didn't put TOO much
emotion into it.  Her reputation for being imperturbable must be
maintained.

had to be maintained, or needed to be maintained.

Kurumi frowned.  "Isn't that getting a LITTLE too personal?"

Natsume sighed.  "I don't need my little sister to protect my, Kurumi. 

me, Kurumi.

"But I thought you had to be twenty to legally get a drink in a bar?" Ranma
said carelessly.  Akane elbowed him hard and shushed him.  Nabiki smirked. 
She knew where this was going.

Kinda hard for the average bouncer to get rid of a martial artist. :)

Natsume coughed.  "Anyway, I was sitting in a bar, and got rather drunk.  A
young man approached me... I doubt he was in the bar legally either, but

>from the look of things the bouncers were too afraid of him to do anything

about it.  I looked familiar to him, and he to me, and we began talking
about... nothing in particular..."  She smiled sadly in recollection.  

Did he have a pigtail? :-)

A few days, maybe a week afterwards, I started getting sick in the
mornings.  I was recovering from these bouts after only a short time, but
it still worried Kurumi, so I went to see a doctor.  The doctor told us
that I was pregnant, and that's when Kurumi and I decided to return here,
to where the closest things we have ever had to a... to a family... lived."

That's kinda impolite to describe the Tendos as "things." Might want to
change it to "people".

That Ranma was not expecting.

Of course not! Nats is the one who's expecting! :) (I'd put a comma
after "That" so it doesn't look like a sentence fragment.)


Interesting beginning. Hope you'll do some character development for the
two sisters in this, as the OAV was kind of lacking in this regard IMO. 

Looking forward to more of this!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics