Well, as said before, this portion hasn't been seen anywhere, to
the best of my knowledge. (Altho the occasional pre-reader might have
passed it around.)
Also, I need to get back in touch with Dave Wills, who's moved
away from his old address at world.std.com. Anyone know where he is these
days?
As before, a warning.. violent, self-abusive, anti-otaku fic
ahead. Set angst-shields to max if you intend to proceed.
So.. if anti-otaku self-insertion fics where the hero regularly
gets the snot beaten out of himself don't appeal to you, feel free to skip
this.
If you like dark humor? Then read on. Jeanne Hedge, Bert Van
Vliet, Darren Steffler, John 'Firehawke' Peasely, and several others
insist on telling me that I do good prose, and excellent dark humor.
*shrug* What do they know, anyway?
<rolls eyes> What do you do when are your friends are convinced
they know you better than you know yourself? And even worse.. what if
they're _right_?!
Anyway, if you read it, have fun, and don't take it too seriously.
Ed Becerra
"Dreamers may die, but the dream is eternal..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As always, my thanks to:
My first fans, Dieter Hirsbrunner (drh@cherry-semi.com), Bree Duffy
(bree.duffy@chemek.com), Calvin T. Ellison (Zwiak@ix.netcom.com),
Louis-Philippe "Phoenix" Giroux (mgiroux@upc.qc.ca) and Kevin Eav
(geist@holly.colostate.edu) who sent me my first fan letters and some
greatly needed words of encouragement. I'm very grateful. Thanks, guys.
Darren Steffler, Chris Schumacher, and Bert Van Vliet. Their works
introduced me to fan fiction. I owe you guys.
And always to the UF gang. MegaZone, Gryphon, ReRob, PCHammer, Chris,
Adam, Larry Mann and 'Doc Mui. Thank you all.
Enjoy the show.
Fortuna bless...
And the Legion continues...
***********************************
"QVAD, MI VEXARI?" - Alfred E. Neuman, Mad Magazine.
* * *
"Please, no more with the photons." mumbled Ed as he tried to roll over
in bed. *Hey.. waitaminute.. bed?* He opened his eyes, wincing at the light,
and saw Dave Wills sitting in a nearby armchair.
"Sleeping Beauty finally awakens, I see." grinned the Lieutenant. "Now,
maybe we can get the whole story."
"Maybe, but not 'til I get something to eat!" He shook his head, trying
to clear the sleep from it. "How long was I out, this time? Hours? Days?" He
paused, a look of horror on his face when Dave remained silent. "Weeks? Not
months?!"
Dave stared back at him for a moment, and then broke into a wide smile.
"About 14 hours."
"AND YOU LET ME THINK... ARRRGGGGHHHH!! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, WILLS!"
Dave fell from the chair, laughing hysterically. "Got 'cha good!"
"DEAD, DO YOU HEAR ME?! DEE EEE AY DEE, DEAD!!"
Minerva's voice interrupted. "Now, be nice, boss. Lt. Wills was the one
who carried you from the living room. For some reason, I couldn't get a
transporter lock on you."
He calmed down slightly. "I think I know why, m'dear. And I'll tell you
two the whole thing, just as soon as I get some chow."
* * *
STEEL BREEZE PRODUCTIONS
and
Industrial Might & Logic
Are Proud to Present
L E G I O N ' S Q U E S T 2 :
Tanks For The Memories
Chapter 3
or
(What, Me Worry?)
* * *
"This keeps happening to me. I don't know why. Landing face down on the
ground, I mean." Ed bustled around the kitchen, fixing a quick meal.
"Could be worse." Dave interjected.
"I'd like to know how!" he asked.
"Well," David mused, "You _could_ wake up without any clothes on. Happens
to me all the time."
Ed rolled his eyes. "And I bet I know why..." He threw a frozen waffle at
the hentai officer, who caught it, and chewed away.
"Did you notice what happened to your face, Ed?"
He froze. "My face...?!"
"Maybe you should go take a look in the mirror..." Dave didn't even have
a chance to finish the sentence. From the direction of the bathroom came a
long, drawn-out "Ooooooh, shiiiiiit!"
As he looked into the mirror, Ed felt strangely calm. *Have enough weird
things happen to you in too short a time, and you go kinda numb, I guess...*
His hair was still the same as before, a deep black that was tinged with a
faint hint of mahogany, but now his golden brown eyes had turned a solid,
metallic gold. They weren't glowing, as they had before, but tiny golden
flecks were floating in the dark spot of his pupil. He looked a second time,
and shuddered.
He wandered back into the kitchen and sat back down. "What in the hell am
I going to do about _this_?! I can't go to work like this! Too many people
will ask questions."
Dave looked thoughtful. "Well..."
Ed glared at him. "Spill it or die, sex maniac!"
"There's this doctor who's covered for me in the past, no questions
asked. She's faked the results of my annual physicals for me. You told me
you used to wear contact lenses before your accident.." He looked at Ed
questioningly.
"Yes.. Oh! Of course! Cosmetic contacts. Why didn't I think of that?"
"You were unconscious, maybe?" Dave offered helpfully.
Ed growled. "Yuk it up, funny man. Remember, I know where you live. How'd
you like to wake up some fine morning with a hundred Nerf balls Crazy-glued
all over your body?"
Dave smirked. "You know, there's this kawaii little gal I know who'd find
that an incredible turn-on..."
Ed sighed. *An infinite number of universes, a trans-finite number of
beings living in them, every possible and _impossible_ varity of existance,
and _who_ do I manage to end up with? A fusion-powered, bio-mechanical,
sexaroid version of Happosai! Somebody out there has a really _nasty_ sense
of humor.*
"So, what's the story, boss?" asked Minerva.
"Oy!" He passed a cup of coffee to David, and sat down with some himself.
As he dug into a plateful of waffles and scrambled eggs, he explained
between bites.
Dave frowned distastefully at the coffee, then picked up a napkin. As he
listened, he folded it, origami-style, into a little version of Minerva.
* * *
"If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse
will happen all day long." - California saying.
"To you or the toad." - Larry Niven's restatement of California saying.
". . . well, most of the time, anyway. . ."
- computer programmer's caveat to Niven's restatement of California
saying.
A half hour later...
Dave stared at Ed strangely. "You say you've got something with the
power of a god mad at you, that you just kicked the shit out of it, and
that's it?"
He nodded, mouth full of waffles.
"And you're not worried?! Are you crazy?!"
He held up two fingers, swallowing first. "Well, first, there really
isn't all that much I can do about it, Dave. Unless you happen to know the
address of Belgarion the Godslayer, or someone else in his general line of
work. And second, while I may not understand just _how_ I managed to do what
I did to Q, I'm confidant I can do it again."
Dave nodded slowly. "Yeah, that would make a difference. If you can hurt
them, then they'll be a lot more cautious next time around. But what _was_
it that you did?"
Ed bit his lip pensively. "Urrrm. Well, I guess you could say I gave him a
taste of home."
"Uhh, maybe a little more detail would be in order?"
He frowned. "Okay, picture this. After what happened to me, I may be _in_
other universes, but I'm not really _part_ of them. In effect, I'm like my
own pocket universe, one whose limits end at my skin. That's part of what
I've become. And I'm the guiding force of my own reality. I'm the one who
gets to define its natural laws. I suppose you could say I'm a microcosmic
god of sorts. But I have only one subject: myself." He looked faintly
embarrassed. "Or at least that's what the researchers back at Utopia
Planetia believed."
Dave played with his coffee as he listened, watching drops of milk make
interesting patterns in the dark liquid. "All right, I can follow that. And
the fight?"
Now Ed grimaced. "I wasn't in a very rational state of mind at that
moment, what with the previous attack at Osbourne Plaza and then Q's
appearance in my appartment. In my rage, I was able to do something that I
remembered from my future." He shrugged. "For a few minutes there, I was
able to _extend_ those limits to take in part of _this_ universe. That
_included_ Q. As long as he was inside my reality, he had to play by the
rules I set. But I wasn't able to extend it very far, or for very long. And
as I found out, doing it took everything I had. It wiped me out completely."
Dave's eyes brightened. For a moment, the hentai was replaced by the keen
detective. "That explains why your abilities seem so inconsistant."
"Huh? I mean, excuse me? You want to run that one by me again? I think I
missed something."
"You told me yourself that you're uncomfortable with your new powers,
that you don't want them, prefer not to use them and wish you were home
again, a normal human."
"Yes. So?"
"Well that's all conscious thought. And maybe some sub-conscious thrown
in. But _unconsciously_ at least, no one really wants to die. Get what I'm
driving at?"
Ed swore. "Damn. Clear as crystal. You're saying that my powers have
become a reflex, like my breathing, or my heartbeat. Something so basic,
it's beyond my control, except in a limited way. Defending me whether I want
it or not."
"BINGO! Since you want to be a normal human, that's what you are, most of
the time. But your powers act to defend you without any conscious effort on
your part. Reflexive."
He looked tired. "So.. I'm stuck with this."
Dave shook his head. "No, I didn't say that.. just that you don't have
the level of control to do anything about it _now_. Later on.. that's a
different matter. It's simply a matter of learning how to handle yourself."
Ed grunted, then looked thoughtful. "You sound just like Doc Mui.
Everyone's been telling me to learn control, and to be patient." He
grimaced, and finshed his coffee. "But those are my weakest spots. Always
have been."
Dave poured his coffee into Ed's mug, and put his cup in the sink. "Hurry
up and finish. I'll take you to that doctor. And we'll see what else we can
do."
"Are you always this annoyingly logical, Dave?"
"Only during times of crisis. I'll revert to drooling sex maniac mode as
soon as things calm down." The hentai sparkle returned to his eyes. "Maybe
that endurance you have extends to .. _other_ matters?"
Ed gave an exasperated snort. "Starting already? I knew it couldn't
last." He piled the dishes in the sink, and grabbed his coat. "Let's get
going. The sooner we get this fixed, the better!"
***********************************
"A friend is someone who helps you move. A BEST friend is someone who
helps you move... a body."
- Anonymous.
"Hellooooooo, Nurse!" - Yakko, Wakko, & Dot Warner.
Ed squirmed uncomfortably in the examination chair as Doctor Duffy held
various filters before his eyes.
"Well, is there anything you can do for me, Doc?"
She paused a moment, and held up another filter. "I think so. It seems
like a number 7 grey lens should do the trick. It will darken your eyes back
to a normal-appearing brown, and hide the specks entirely." She placed the
filter in a frame and moved it back in front of his face. "Yes. Perfect.
Your eyes will look completely natural."
"Thank you, Doctor. What do I owe you?"
"You'll get my bill. If it appears a little .. large, please remember
you're buying a pair of closed lips as well as the medical treatment."
He nodded. "I expected as much. Will gold be acceptable?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Coin or bullion?"
"Either way you want it, Doctor."
"I give a cash discount of 10% for rare coins. They're easier to deal
with. Bullion makes the wrong people curious."
"I have American $20 double eagles, from the 1890's."
The doctor smiled widely. "Perfect. I know several dealers who will
accept them, no questions asked."
Ed grinned. "I thought you might. You must have an .. _interesting_
practice, Doctor."
She chuckled. "You have _NO_ idea how interesting. Particularly with
-him- in town." She jerked a thumb at Wills. "I can't even begin to COUNT
the number of requests I've had to neuter him. At least a quarter of the
women in the city have offered to take up a collection to pay for it!"
Wills shivered at the thought. *Ah! My heart sings with joy at the very
thought of so many kawii girls with such powerful emotions for me. But for
now I will just beam with joy. Oh, musn't forget the tin halo... It's so
nice to be wanted. :)~*
"Oh, I can imagine. I know him better than you might think, Doc."
"And you're still his friend?" She arched an eyebrow. "Either he has
something on you, or you have the temper of a saint."
"Perhaps a little of both, Doctor." He opened the package she handed him
and looked inside. Along with the contact lenses was... "A prescription,
Doc?"
"I thought you might not want to wear the contacts all the time, so I
threw that in. Don't take it, just get it filled, and carry some with you,
along with the prescription. It's a powerful antibiotic used to clear up
drug-resistant eye infections. We don't use it very often because it has two
annoying side effects: it can change a patient's eye color, and make their
eyes extremely light sensitive. It should help you explain things away."
"Ahhh... Nice touch! I can wear sunglasses, and blame it on the drug. And
if someone gets a look at my eyes, I can do the same. Thank you!"
"All part of the service. And if you're ever in need of more medical
care, my door is always open." Doctor Duffy nodded towards Wills. "Just try
to give me a little advance notice if you're going to bring him along. I
want a chance to warn my nurse and receptionist."
*Ack!* thought Dave. *Caught with my hand next to the cookie jar's
skirt!*
Ed laughed at David's crestfallen look. "Will do, Doc. And thanks. I'll
remember that." He poked Dave in the ribs. "C'mon, guy.. there's always the
red-light district."
Dave's face brightened. "Yatta! How could I have forgotten all those
kawaii little gals down there, so wonderful.. so willing.." *Yes! Partners
in crime!* he thought. *We will set the red light district aflame with a
raging inferno of unbridled lust for all kawaii gals!*
"Dave? Hey, Dave."
"What?"
"You're drooling again.."
***********************************
"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
- Will Rogers (1879-1935)
The lenses worked like a charm, and Ed returned to work the following
Monday as if nothing had happened. This was fortunate, as things began to
hit the fan right about then. Buaku had just lifted a painting known as
"Innocent" and took Leona hostage. Now the Tank Police, the Red Commandos,
and the mob were all chasing Buaku and his hostage around the city. The Puma
sisters were running around, trying to keep the police and the Commandos off
of Buaku's trail, Al had taken Bonaparte to search for Leona, and things
were really getting confused.
*I am NOT going to get involved I am NOT going to get involved I am NOT
going to get involved I am NOT going to get involved...* ran through his
mind as he cleaned up his workspace in the tank motor pool. Then he swore.
"Oh, who am I kidding?! The way my luck's been going, they'll probably fall
right into my lap!" He threw a wrench at the floor, then swore again when it
punched a hole through the concrete, spraying cement chips around the empty
room.
"Besides, I can't let 900 million dollars worth of rare painting be
destroyed." He sighed. "It would a crime against art. Just as bad as burning
books, or accepting censorship. Hmmm.. lessee.. the question is, what _can_
I do?"
{That depends, lover. Define your objectives, then you can make your
plans.}
"Ahhh.. hmmm.." He looked annoyed with himself. "I honestly have no
ideas, Minerva. Aside from saving the painting from going up in smoke when
the Puma sisters blast the chopper with the Red Commando leader."
{Well, that's a start, boss. And I already know you want to remain
undercover, so there's a second objective. We can plan around that. Now, we
know the exact time when the painting will be destroyed, and there's a third
point.}
"Huh? I mean, we do?"
{It won't happen until after Anna 'borrows' the heavy artillery tank from
the Tank Police motor pool. So, if you keep watch on it, then we'll know
when things will begin.}
Ed nodded and then brightened. "Baby, do you think you could get a
transporter lock on the Red Commando chopper?"
{It shouldn't be too difficult.}
"Good. Then we have the plan. If things don't differ _too_ much from the
anime, he'll radio in a report that he's recovered 'Innocent' and he's
returning to base. That was his last contact. He didn't make any more calls
after that, and Annapuma blew him out of the air almost immediately
afterward." He grinned. "All righty, then. Search and scan for the chopper,
and maintain a loose lock on it. Also, listen for any radio transmissions
from it. When Annapuma steals the artillery piece, prepare to beam
'Innocent' straight to you."
{That's cutting it close, b'wana. Maybe _too_ close.}
"I know, m'dear. But I don't want to take a chance on screwing up these
folks's continuity. I might make things better, but then again, I might make
them _worse_" He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It seems a lot
like time travel. You have to be DAMN careful, or you end up destroying what
you came to preserve." He frowned at the hole he'd just made in the floor,
and sighed. "Crud. I'm worse than Ryoga. Could you fill that in, love? I'm
going to keep an eye on the artillery tank."
{Right, boss. Be careful.}
"What do I have to worry about, m'dear? It's not like Annapuma could hurt
me. Hell, I just had an entire office building fall on me with no harm
done!"
{It's not your body I'm worried about, lover.}
"Huh? What do you mean?"
Minerva sighed. {She's a female. You _do_ have a soft spot for the
ladies, boss. Especially cat girls.}
"Errr.. Ahh.. Now wait just one minute, here.. Are you saying I'm some
sex crazed loon like Dave?"
{No. Just a hopeless romantic. Go play with your tanks, boss. I'll keep
an eye on the chopper.}
* * *
"Drive defensively. Buy a tank." - Anonymous bumper sticker.
As he looked out the window at the sidewalk, Ed spotted Buaku and Lenoa
on their motorbike, crashing into the bar across from Tank Police HQ. He
turned, and ran for the staircase, headed for the motor pool.
{Minerva, they're here. Have you got the chopper spotted?}
{Got it, boss. A nice firm lock. They aren't going to shake me}
He looked down the stairwell. *Shit! I gotta hurry. There's no time. Oh
well..* He gritted his teeth, and jumped down the center of the stairwell. A
few seconds later, he landed at the bottom, punching a hole in the floor
with his feet. *There go _another_ pair of shoes..*
Racing to the motor pool, he grabbed the keys to the new tank gun that
had just arrived and was waiting by it when Annapuma arrived. She aimed her
assault weapon at him.
"No need for that, girl. Here you go. You'll need these." He tossed the
keys to her. Shocked, she fumbled the catch and almost dropped them. "Better
hurry, Buaku needs you."
She gave him an odd look. "Why?"
"My reasons are my own, little girl. And you don't need to know them.
Just get going, and don't ask questions that you don't want to know the
answers to."
She climbed into the cockpit and drove the tank gun out onto the street.
Ed followed behind, staying in the shadows.
{Ready, m'dear? Anna's about to fire!}
{He's made the call, boss.. got the lock.. transporting..}
He watched, and winced as Annapuma's shot blew the Red Commando
helicopter into firey scrap. {Shit! She fired! Did you get the painting?
Tell me you got it, Minerva?!}
{Ahhh... I got "Innocent", boss. It's safe and sound. But..}
{But? But _what_?}
{You don't want to know, b'wana.}
His eyes narrowed suspiciously. {I think you're holding something back,
girl. But it's clean-up time, here. Whatever the problem is, it can wait for
now. We'll handle it after I get off work.}
{Err... Yes. That might be best, boss.}
He flinched at the uneasy tone in her voice. *At just what point did I
lose control here? I can feel another one of _those_ headaches coming on...*
He sighed and shook his head, waiting for the tanks to return with their Red
Commando prisoners. There'd be a LOT of clean-up and repair work after this
night.
* * *
After a very long night of patching up the battle damage, Ed wandered
upstairs to watch the last of the Red Commandos being booked and processed.
The desk sargent gave him a one of those _looks_ when he began to snicker
loudly, then tried to ignore him. He drifted over to the soda machine, and
bought a cola, hoping that a drink would help him stop. About then, Al
passed by.
"What's so funny, Ed?" Al asked.
".. hehehe .. I .. hahaha .. You had to be there, Al.." and he threw his
coat over his shoulder and headed home. *He'd NEVER understand! But it
looked just like the first day of basic training!*
When he got home, he debated finding out what Minerva was so worried
about, but decided against it. "I'm too tired. I'd probably blow up at her,
and end up doing something stupid. I'll find out what happened tomorrow."
He took a hot shower, headed into the bedroom, and tried to forget about
the entire day.
***********************************
"I'm not having a good day, and killing you would improve it
dramatically."
- Demona, "Gargoyles"
The next morning...
"Ooogh.. I _hate_ getting up in the morning." Ed grumped. "It's a damn
miracle I lasted eleven years in the service!" He cleaned up, and finished
off a hot breakfast before he approached Minerva about the previous night.
"So what were you so worried about last night, m'dear?"
"We have a .. `continuity' problem, b'wana."
"What do you mean by that, girl?"
"Well, you mentioned that you were worried about tampering with the known
history of this reality, boss. I'm afraid we have. The explosion of the
helicopter interfered with the transport. I saved `Innocent' but some other
.. err .. 'items' came along for the ride."
He began to look worried. "What _items_?" he asked in a flat tone.
"I think I'd best show you, boss."
A small hologram appeared in the middle of the kitchen table, obscuring
the breakfast dishes. He looked at the figure in the center of it, and went
as white as bleached muslin. "Fuck meee..." he wheezed.
".. long and hard with a chainsaw. I believe those are the words you're
looking for, boss."
"Get Wills on the phone. Now. Secure the line. Military grade encryption
at both ends. If this gets out, there'll be hell to pay.."
* * *
At Wills' office the phone rang. When he answered it, all he could see in
the screen was a hash of static. A barely recognizable voice spoke.
"I need your help again."
"Ed.."
"NO NAMES!" the voice hissed. "I'm in deep trouble. Over my head deep.
And I don't dare let anyone else find out. As soon as you're off duty, I
need you to come to my girlfriend's place. She'll get in touch, and pick you
up. You know how."
"It's that bad?"
"Worse."
Dave winced at the thought of something worse than the little 'incident'
in Ed's living room. "I'll be there."
"Thank you." The line went dead.
* * *
After the duty day ended, Dave headed over for the apartment complex.
Just as he'd expected, Ed's door was unlocked. He opened it and stepped
inside. Minerva was there to greet him.
"Thank you for coming, Lieutenant. I'm afraid I've made a rather large
error, and gotten the boss in between a rock and a hard place. If you'll
come with me...?"
He nodded, and closed the door behind him, locking it. The hologram began
to de-resolve, and Wills could feel the transporter effect take hold. The
world appeared to dissolve around him, and he found himself standing on the
main transporter pad of the Calypso.
"I think you'd better talk to him, Detective. I.. I'm the one who landed
us in this situation. I don't believe he'd like to listen to me right now."
Dave looked a little confused, but shrugged. "Sure. Where is he?"
"On the bridge. Do you remember the way?"
"I have a perfect memory," he leered. "After all, I'm a Bu 99-hS-1EX-0."
He padded down the main boom to the bridge, noticing that aside from a
few instrument read-outs, there were no lights on. That wasn't any trouble
for him, but he did wonder why. When he reached the bridge, he spotted Ed,
sitting alone in the dark.
"What's the matter, guy? Why the doom and gloom act?"
"I screwed up big this time, Dave."
"I thought Minerva was the one responsible. She said so herself."
"I made the plans and gave the orders. I'm the commander." He let out a
long slow breath. "In the final analysis, I'm responsible when things go
wrong."
Dave cocked his head. "As a cop, I can understand that. Been there, done
that, got the T-shirt; to coin a phrase. But beating up on yourself won't
help. Now, what went wrong?"
"That .. is a long story. but a picture, as they say, is worth a thousand
words. Minerva, playback the logs covering what we did, and then show the
good Lieutenant what you've got stashed in the transporter buffer."
It didn't take long to replay the logs, and Dave's face got longer and
longer as he heard the two of them plot to rescue 'Innocent'. On top of
that, when Minerva showed him the recovered painting, and informed him of
it's coded contents, his jaw hit the floor. He shook himself all over, like
a dog shedding cold water, and thumped himself on the forehead.
"I can't believe you two did this! Why.. No. Never mind why. Just return
the painting anonymously, and there shouldn't be any problem."
"It's not that simple. When Annapuma blasted the chopper, by some freak
of chance, she hit it at just the right millisecond to screw up the
transport." He saw Dave dart a glance at the painting. "Oh, it's all right..
but in order to save it, Minerva had to pull along a little more that she
intended to." He waved a arm dejectedly at the main viewscreen. "Go ahead,
Minerva."
"When I finished the transport, I found that _this_ had hitched a ride."
The screen lit up to show Dave the shocked face of the Red Commando Leader!
"I can't just kill him..it's not self-defence. But if we let him go, and he
talks.." Her shapely shoulders shrugged, bugging Dave's eyes out as he
tracked the ripple of motion down her holographic body. "And even if he
doesn't talk, how do we explain his _survival_?! There wasn't a piece left
of that helicopter big enough to use as a paperweight!"
Dave dragged his mind away from the lewd thoughts of what he'd like to do
if he could entice her into a holodeck, and considered the situation. "Where
is he now?"
"In the pattern buffer of the auxillary transporter." she replied.
He favored her with a confused glance. "I thought that was impossible. I
remember those old shows. Aren't transporter patterns supposed to degrade
with time, or something like that?"
She returned his gaze with a tired look of self-satisfaction. "Anything
that Montgomery Scott can do, I can do better. After all, I have superior
equipment. I took a page from his book, disabling the rematerialization
subroutine, and locking the pattern buffer into a continuous diagnostic
mode. No pattern degredation. He just loops through the transporter,
non-stop. He'll stay in there until I lose power, or until hell freezes
over."
Dave laughed. "Now _there's_ an interesting picture." He frowned. "Why
don't you just.." He mimed pulling a plug. ".. and be rid of the nuisance
altogether?"
They both shot him dirty looks, and he raised his hands in self-defence.
"Just kidding! Sheesh! You try one little joke..."
Ed looked away. "That's part of the problem. But I'll explain that later.
Right now, what are we going to _do_ with him?!"
They sat there in the semi-gloom of the darkend bridge for some time,
quietly thinking. Then Dave jumped up, excited.
"I _GOT_ IT!"
"Got _what_?" blinked Minerva.
Dave stepped over to her, and began to whisper in her ear. As he
explained, his eyes wandered, and he took advantage of the oportunity to
gaze down into her holographic cleavage.
Ed simply sighed and waited. *The man makes Ataru Moroboshi look like a
celebate monk. How he got to be a police detective I'll _never_ know.*
* * *
"Why do you have to be so negative all the time? Why can't you offer
some...constructive criticism?"
- Ben 'Gryphon' Hutchins to Leon McNichol, "Hopelessly Lost 2: Midnight
Sun"
As Minerva carefully explained Dave's suggestion to him, Ed's face took
on a growing expression of horror.
"Are you completely _insane_, Dave?! That has to be the -worst- plan I
have -ever- heard!"
"Well, do you have a better one?" Dave looked at him closely. "After all,
_you're_ the one sitting in the dark here, trying to figure a way out of
this."
"You've got to admit it, boss.. it has the virtue of never having been
tried before." Minerva smiled. "Besides, we've got nothing to lose."
A loud creaking noise filled the bridge, and Dave realized that Ed had
just crushed the metal armrest of the captain's seat with his bare hand.
*That is _not_ a good sign.* he thought. *The stress is getting to him. What
he needs is a wild party and a cute girl.*
After a moment of silence, Ed nodded. "You're right. I hate to admit
that, but you are. We DON'T have a choice. Right, then." He turned to
Minerva. "Prepare a room to hold the Red Commando, and re-materialize him in
it as soon as you're done. I'll try to get things ready at my end." He shook
his head. "I _still_ don't believe I'm doing this. It has to be the last act
of a desperate man."
"I don't care if it's the first act of 'Henry the VIII', b'wana. Just as
long as it gets our unexpected passenger out of our hair."
"Well, it'll either do that, or get us ALL chased out of town." He gave
an resigned shrug. "I suppose I should have expected something like this.
When your life has turned into an adventure novel, you have to expect these
little .. dramatic re-arrangments in your life."
"What, you mean it's possible to live without bizzare, life-threatening
situations popping up every five minutes?" Dave smirked. "What a novel
idea!"
Ed threw a nerf brick at him. "Next time, it'll be Jyusenkyo water."
* * *
About 15 minutes later, everything was set, and Ed picked up the small
metal canister that the painting had arrived in. He carefully rolled
'Innocent' up and and placed it back inside.
"How is he, Minerva?"
"Outwardly calm, lover. But he's showing spikes on all the medical
scanners. I'd say he's about ready to tear someone's head off. I really have
to admire his self-control."
"That means a lot coming from you, pretty lady." He looked back at Dave.
"You'd better stay on the bridge. If he sees you, that could throw
everything off track."
Dave shruged. "No problem. Is there any Dew on board?"
He got a dirty look for that. "Minerva..."
"Right, boss. A gallon of Dew for the Lieutenant."
"And put it up on the main monitor. Dave might spot something we'd miss."
Ed turned, and walked down the main corredor to the room where Minerva had
put the Commando. He paused.
"This is nuts. I can't believe I'm actually going to use the _truth_!" He
took a deep breath, and opened the door.
Inside, behind a force field was the Commando. He was sitting on a bunk
recessed into the wall. He got to his feet as Ed approached.
"Who are you, and why have you taken me captive?"
Ed arched an eyebrow. "Blunt and to the point. That's good. I _really_
don't feel like playing cute little intellegence games. As for my name,
that's of no concern to you. As I understand it, you were hired to recover
the painting known as 'Innocent' for Southerby's." He placed the cylinder on
a table and tapped it. "Here it is, safe and sound. We recovered it when
your helicopter blew up. Unfortunately, we recovered _you_ as well. We
intended to return the painting, but you put a wrinkle in that plan."
The Red Commando glared at him. "I repeat, who are you."
"Is that really any of your business? We have the painting, and we're
quite willing to return it to you. The only problem we forsee is your
silence, Mr.. Mr..?" Ed frowned. "What IS your name? I just can't keep
calling you Red Commando Leader."
The commando remained silent.
"Look, I can't deal with you if you aren't willing to talk. As it is, I
could simply return the painting anonymously, and have you disposed of. But
that's not my style. All I need is a name. I don't want to know who your
real employers are, and I'm not interested in any of your secrets. I just
want to get you and this painting out of here. Can we talk?"
A very long moment passed, then the commando muttered something.
"..slzzly.."
"Pardon me?"
Another muffled growl answered him.
"I can't hear you."
"IT'S LESLIE, DAMN YOU!! LESLIE VAN EASTERBROOK!" shouted the commando.
On the bridge, Dave spat up a mouthful of Dew, spraying the main screen.
Over his link to Minerva, Ed could hear hysterical laughter coming from the
bridge, followed by a loud thump. Minerva was giggling helplessly in his
ear.
"Leslie? Uh.. Yeah.. Right.. Excuse me for a moment." Using every
particle of willpower he possessed, he managed to keep a straight face as
he stepped out into the corridor. Once the door slid shut, however, he lost
it.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he howled
with laughter. "Oh my gooooood!!! No wonder he didn't want to talk! That's
almost as bad as 'A Boy Named Sue'!"
Several minutes passed while he tried to regain his composure. It wasn't
easy. Everytime he came close, Dave would repeat the name, and break the
both of them up again. Minerva's constant giggling over the speakers didn't
help much either.
Once the fit of laughter had subsided, he re-entered the room. "Mr. ..
Easterbrook. As I've already told you, I intend to return the painting. The
question remains.. is it safe for me to return _you_? And the only person
who can answer that question for me is you." He looked at the commando
steadily. "What's the answer?"
Easterbrook returned the gaze. "All you want from me is silence,
correct? Silence concerning yourself, and this.." He waved a hand at the
room around him. ".. facility of yours. I can agree to that. But how can you
return me without some embarrassing questions being asked? According to that
display, it's been nearly 24 hours since the explosion of my aircraft."
Ed stepped over to the table and tapped on the surface. A small hologram
sprang up in responce. "As you can see, this is a map of the area around
Tank Police HQ. And over here," his fingers trailed down a street several
city blocks, "is a small, old warehouse about 1 klick away." He tapped twice
on the warehouse, and the hologram expanded, centering on the building.
"You'll note that it has a large skylight in the roof.. currently broken. Or
at least that's what the records are _going_ to show. That's it's been
broken ever since your accident last night."
"And I'll be found inside the warehouse, I assume." Easterbrook nodded.
"But how will I explain my lack of broken bones, bruises, and other serious
injuries?"
Ed smirked widely. "I'm glad you asked that. Take a look at this." The
hologram dissolved into a skeletal view, revealing what looked like a large
vat of some sort directly underneath the hole in the skylight. "This should
take care of that, and incidently explain _why_ it took you so long to
return." A few more taps on the table, and a list scrolled up along side the
tiny building. He slid a finger down along the list, and stopped at the 5th
item. "There. Read that. The contents of the vat."
Easterbrook leaned over, and peered closely at the line of text Ed had
pointed at. A faint smile creased his stern expression. "I see. Yes. That
will do nicely. How soon can this be done?"
"That's up to you. But to make this look good, you are going to need some
slight burns on your armor, and a few flash burns on your face. Are you up
to that?"
"Just try me."
"Good. I have a xenon flash lamp that my.. `assistant' can use to give
you a few minor facial burns, and some scorched hair. While you're taking
care of that, we'll scuff up your armor to match. All in all.. maybe 15
minutes. Once you're there in the warehouse, the rest will be up to you."
Easterbrook nodded, then frowned. "Why are you doing all this? It would
have been much simpler on your part to kill me and dispose of the body."
Ed sighed. "Let's just say.. I'm repaying a very old debt. By sparing
your life, I'm one step closer to being quits on it. And leave it at that."
The commando looked back at him. "All right."
* * *
"What better way to vanquish an enemy, than to make him an ally?"
- Modoc, "My Best Friend Is A Vampire."