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[Words begin to scroll down the black screen...]

                  A William McDuff Fanfic

              A Sound And The Furry Production

      Brought to you by Lots and Lots of Mountain Dew!

                    Edited by Eric Jones
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              MONTY PYTHON'S QUEST FOR AKANE!
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                  Starring: Ranma Soatome

         Wik: Ryouga Hibiki, Tatewaki Kunou, Mousse

     Also Wik: Genma Soatome, Tsubasa, Hiroshi, Daisuke

    Also, Also Wik: Kodachi Kunou, Ukyou Kuonji, Shampoo

                Are you pining for fjords?

[The words fade from the screen and a thump is heard as
 someone usurps control of the keyboard.]

     My apologies, the previous author has been - Hey!

[Scuffling noises fade gradually into a new sound, a sound
 like a horse galloping, or perhaps the sound of two coconuts
 being clapped together.]

 Take over my computer, will you?  Why I'll - Oops!  Sorry.

[The screen begins to lighten to reveal a mist-covered hilly
 countryside.  The sound (you know, the one in the last set
 of brackets), gets slowly louder.]

Male voice: Great, keep going!

[A dark-haired pig-tailed young man, and two other young men
 appear on the screen.  The noise is revealed to be that of
 the men's bokkens smashing together.]

First man: Ranma, <clop>  how long do, <clop> we have,
           <clop> to keep this up? <CLOP>

Dark-haired man (Ranma): Until we get where we're going,
                         Hiroshi.  Keep your guard up,
                         Daisuke.

Daisuke: Right.

[The sparring continues unhindered for a while.  Ranma
 turns and walks backwards to better see the action.]

Hiroshi: Um, sensei?

Ranma: What is it Hiroshi?

Hiroshi: Sensei, I think <Clop> you should <ClopClopCLOP>

[Daisuke presses a vicious attack, interrupting Hiroshi.
 Ranma takes a step back...and realizes that the ground
 seems to be missing.]

Ranma: Whaaa? <SPLASH>

[Instant female.  The camera swings around to show a large
 castle, complete with moat.  Ranma-chan climbs out with as
 much dignity as she is able and glares at the two of them.]

Hiroshi: Never mind.

[Ranma shoots a dark look at Hiroshi, then turns and shouts
 up to the castle.]

R-chan: Hey up there!

Guard: Who are you?

R-chan: It is I, Ranma, son of Genma Saotome, student of the
        Anything-Goes Martial Arts dojo in Nerima, King of
        the Cursed ones, Man with three and a half fiancees,
        and the finest martial artist in all Japan!

Guard: Yeah, right!

R-chan: I am.  And these are my students Hiroshi and
        Daisuke.  We have traveled the length and breadth of
        this land to find other cursed men and together we
        journey to find a cure.  I must speak with your lord
        and master.

Guard: Waita minute.  You say you were King?

R-chan: Yes!

Guard: But you're female!

R-chan: What?

Guard: You're a female!  A female can't be king!

R-chan: So?  We have traveled all winter, to China and
        back, through --

Guard: Why'd you say you were King then?

R-chan: Because I am.

Guard: You can't be!  King's have to male!

R-chan: It's my curse, I turn into a female when doused with
        cold water.

Guard: That's impossible!

R-chan: I've seen guys defy gravity , and large bursts of
        chi level buildings, and you're telling _me_ what's
        impossible?

Guard: Are you saying that every time there's a downpour,
       you instantly change sex?

R-chan: Is that so hard to believe?  Many have had their sex
        changed.

Guard: Are you saying that there's a drug that causes a man
       to become a woman and vice versa with a splash of
       water?

R-chan: [sighs] Never mind.  Will you go and tell your master
        that Ranma of the Anything Goes School of Martial
        Arts is here?

Guard: Listen.  The female and males of the species differ
       anatomically in several significant ways, and you
       couldn't just switch them at a moment's notice, am I
       right?

R-chan: Whatever.  Get going.

Guard: Am I right?

R-chan: I'm not interested.

Another Guard: You could if you used a bunch of drugs and
               surgery and took your time.

Guard: Yeah, but not instantly.  That's my point.

Another Guard: Oh yeah, I agree with that.

R-chan: Would you go get your boss and tell him Ranma is
        here to see him?!

Guard: But even then they couldn't adjust the bones.

Another Guard: Oh yeah...

Guard: So it wouldn't be complete anyway...

[Ranma signals Hiroshi and Daisuke and they resume sparring,
 their bokkens clacking together as they head off.]

Another Guard: Waita minute, supposed they switched the
               brain?

Guard: No, they'd have to find someone going the other way.

Another Guard: That's not a problem.  It's about equal
               anyway.

Guard: And use the basic mad scientist techniques?

Another Guard: Well, why not?

                            -==-

[Close up of a upside-down face sticking it's tongue out. A
 leg falls across the mouth, causing the eyes to open and
 make a disgusted face.  A creak is heard as we draw back to
 see the Jysenkyo Guide pushing a wheelbarrow full of
 bodies.]

Guide: Bring out your dead, kind sirs!

[We follow the cart through a prosperous peasant village. An
 old lady ladles water onto the ground (representing the
 required nearby water source for cursed folks) oblivious to
 the fact that there is no sidewalk to clean in 16th century
 Japan.]

Guide: Bring out your dead, kind sirs!

[A horse thunders past the cart, the purple hair of the
 rider flying loose in the wind.  A unlucky peasant looks up
 just in time to be run over.  A card falls onto it's back
 which reads:  'Nekohanten:  Only Chinese place in Japan
 that delivers.']

Guide: Bring out you dead, kind sirs!

[Genma and Soun appear, holding a bound, chained, and gagged
 Happosai between them.]

Genma: Here's one!

Guide: Hundred yen.

Happosai: Mmmmph mmmph MMMMPH!

Guide: What he say?

Soun: [sweatdrop] Nothing...here's your hundred yen.

[Happosai manages to shift the gag off his mouth.]

Happosai:  I said, I'm not dead!

Guide: He say he not dead.

Genma: Yes he is.

Soun: He should be anyway.

Happosai: Ungrateful students!  Trying to pass your master
          off as dead!

Guide: I do not think he is dead kind sirs.

Genma: Can't you take him anyway?

Happosai: [struggling] Wait till I get out of these chains!

Soun: Not if we can help it.

Guide: I can not take him kind sirs.  Against regulations.

Happosai: Besides, someone already took all their silkies!

Soun: You disgust me.

Guide: No, I can not take him.

Happosai: Let me go this instant!

Genma: Do us a favour.

Guide: I can not.

Genma: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes?
       We can make him look dead.

Guide: Sorry, big battle over at agnstfic.  Lots of bodies
       to collect.

Genma: When's your next round?

Guide: Never.  I only get one cameo from author-san.

Happosai: I'll be free from these chains in a minute.

Soun: Not those.  Those are titanium re-inforced.

Genma: Isn't there anything you could do?

Happosai: [singing unrecognizably] Can't chain Happy...can't
          chain Happy... can't-

[The Guide, after checking that no one was watching, clocks
 Happy with a club.]

Happosai: That hurt you know.

Random Female: [appearing from nowhere] Oooh, can I have a
               turn?

Random Female #2: Me next.

Guide: Fifty yen to hit each time.

Happosai: [thought] Uh-oh...

[Soun and Genma sneak away as a line forms and Happosai gets
 clocked repeatedly.  At which point Ranma (in male form),
 Hiroshi and Daisuke pass, Ranma watching the sparring with
 a trained eye.]

Genma: Ranma's getting sloppy.

Soun: Why do you say that?

[Ranma passes by the old lady mentioned at the beginning of
 the scene, and gets splashed as required.]

Genma: That's why.

[Ranma borrows the ladle from the lady and splashes Genma.]

R-chan: Shut up, pop.

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