That's right! It's here at last! Pleeeeease, anyone - This is my pet
epic, so I'd *really* love some C&C on it... :)
(NB: This is set before Volume III)
(I'm also apologising if this comes through twice...)
NARRABUNDAH 1/2
created by Urac Sigma and Suzy Styles
Movie I
3x3 Kunou
by Urac Sigma
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TENDO SUZY
The hero
SIGMATOME RATBAT
The fiance
TENDO NIKI
The schemer
KUNOU LEILA
The femme fatale
KUNOU JARRAH
The warrior
KUNOU NORM
The principal
KUONJI COLLEEN SAYURI KIM
The chef The athlete
TOBOKI EUAN HINOMIYA RUTHIE
The wanderer The educator
KURENAI CHARLOTTE HAPPOUSAI GRAHAM
The striver The master
SIGMATOME LEN DAISUKE WILL
The panda GOSUNKUGI SAM
HIROSHI PETRA
HODJSUKE TIMOTHY The students
The ninja
YUKA LOUISE
TENDO BOBBI The friend
The mother
The
TENDO FIONA ST HEBEREKE PRINCIPAL
The home-maker The opposition
SHIRATORI NOOMY SANZENIN CHRIS
The child The idol
TOBOKI CALLUM SUZY'S FANTASY
The healer The hunk
and
MORE GYMNASTS THAN YOU CAN POKE A LEOTARD AT
1. STREET (1).
[The street looks almost deserted, almost
haunted. Distantly, we hear an insane female
laugh.]
[CAPTION: Recycadelic Cacti Productions presents]
2. STREET OF KOCHAN'S.
[Something catches Charlotte's attention as he
is trying to hide in a mailbox. He looks up and
we get the sensation that something just went
past, just out of our view. The insane laugh
again, closer this time. The music starts to
pick up pace.]
An Urac Sigma film
3. BEFORE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE.
[The music starts to pick up more pace. We
follow the heads of two students, Daisuke Will
and Hiroshi Petra as they watch someone or
something go past. The laugh again, louder.]
Suzy Styles Urac Sigma
4. HIGH STREET.
[Again, something goes past, more music, closer
laugh. The people watch it go.]
Niki O'brien Leila Fetter
5. RESTAURANT.
[Inside the restaurant where people keep going
for abortive dates, a startled waiter looks out
the window as the laugher streaks past. The
music is really starting to sound fast.]
Jarrah Job Euan Bowen
Norm Hughes Tim Hodge
6. OUTSIDE TENDO DOJO.
[Len the panda grunts to himself, and looks up
in surprise as our mystery figure goes past. The
laugh is basically right on top of us, the
figure is kicking up a lot of dust etcetera, and
the music is doing all kinds of things.]
Colleen Hick Kim McClelland
Fiona McCulloch Robyn Scholes
Charlotte Sarossy Len Bowen
7. OUTSIDE KUNOU MANOR.
[We zoom in on the front door at an alarming
speed as our friend laughs and laughs.]
Written by Urac Sigma
8. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[With Tim knocked aside, we take the figure's
POV (almost) as we rush in on Kunou Jarrah,
reading the newspaper. He looks up in alarm, and
then sees!]
[The music almost reaches a climax then stops.]
KUNOU [Unfuzzled]:Oh, it's you.
[Freeze. Final sting of music.]
NARRABUNDAH 1/2
The Movie
3x3 Kunou
[Unfreeze and cut to the newcomer. A strong-
looking, bewitchingly beautiful female, an old-
looking sixteen, long golden-red hair. She wears
black corduroy trousers and a silk black shirt,
along with a purple waistcoat dotted with black
roses.]
BLACK ROSE: Nononono, dear brother, it should be [grandiose]
'It is you!'
[Kunou wearily gets to his feet.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda district, Tokyo, Japan
Friday 29 September 1995 ]
KUNOU: What bringst thou back to our ancestral home?
Did you not feel the need to continue your
sabbatical? [Under breath] Say for a couple
hundred years or so.
[The Black Rose lets out a long, very high
laugh:]
BLACK ROSE: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How can you say such things,
dear brother, when I come bearing gifts?
[She produces a bunch of flowers and holds them
out.]
BLACK ROSE: How can you resist this lovely bouquet?
[Despite being Kunou, Jarrah has the look of the
guy who's been caught out before.]
KUNOU [Dry]: How generous of you, imoto-san. Timothy, take
Leila's flowers and place them in some water.
[Tim uneasily steps forward and takes the
bouquet from Leila's grasp. A purple mist sprays
from them, and Tim falls to the floor, adopting
the 'comical dead dog' position.]
KUNOU: Do you never change?
[Leila smiles evilly.]
LEILA: Would I ever need to?
KUNOU: My question still lies unanswered. Why have you
returned to plague me?
LEILA: The finals of the inter-school martial-arts
gymnastics league are on soon, that's why. I got
a fax not long ago from the St Hebereke's team,
saying they wanted their best to compete in this
one. [Too much pride] Me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[With the laugh, Tim keels over in his dead-dog
mode.]
LEILA: They've done pretty well so far, but they wanted
to be sure, now that it's down to the last two
schools.
[Looks at Kunou. He doesn't realise he's
supposed to react to that. She sighs.]
LEILA: The other school, dear brother, is Narrabundah
College.
KUNOU [Lying]: I knew that.
LEILA [Switching topic]: Besides, coming back now meant I
took passage with Otoosama. He's finally coming
back from leave.
[Kunou's eyes glaze over at that, and he looks
all respectful.]
KUNOU [Dreamy]: Ah...I remember our father...Kunou Norm. A
mighty warrior was he. A noble man, and brave
fighter - a worthy holder of the valiant Kunou
blood.
[An image hazes into existence by his head: a
samurai-like figure. Leila looks doubtful.]
LEILA: Er...
KUNOU: 'Er'? You would tarnish our father's memory with
'er'?
LEILA: Well, he has been on leave for quite a while. I
just think that all that time in Hawaii might
have...got to him.
[Kunou shakes his head.]
KUNOU: No matter! With our head of household returned,
I shall have a capable leader to look to. A
figure who might guide me and provide me with
inspiration to rid my existence of that blighted
rodent, Sigmatome Ratbat!
[Leila sighs: Suit yourself.]
[Leila wanders off as we hear the footsteps that
must belong to their father. Kunou looks to the
door, awe in his features. The shining light
that is his father is about to re-enter his
life. He takes a deep breath and prepares to
speak as the great man enters the room...]
[The great man is blonde [with grey bits]
dressed in appalling Hawaiian shirt [complete
with lei], equally loud Bermuda shorts and big
sunglasses, and has a miniature palm tree
attached to the top of his head. He throws his
arms out wide.]
NORM [Big Hawaiian accent]: ALOHA, EVERYBODY!!!
[Kunou just pauses where he is for a moment,
then pitches forward on his face.]
LEILA: Hmph. Well-adjusted as ever.
[Dissolve.]
9. OUTSIDE TENDO DOJO.
[An establishing shot: it is now morning, the
next day.]
10. CORRIDOR.
[We open on the floor, seeing clothing.
Specifically, first we see a crumpled and
discarded pair of black jeans. As we track up
the corridor, we see it makes a trail with: a
pair of socks with Doraemon on, a green pair of
trousers from which are peeking some argyle
socks, a Kimba T-shirt, a green-and-black
Chinese shirt, a charcoal-grey waistcoat, a
black waistcoat with a Star Trek communicator on
it, and finally we see that the last to fall in
the trail were some Doctor Who boxer shorts, and
a matching green velvet bra-and-pants set. We
start to pan up and further, then cut away.]
[In the new shot, CU on Fiona.]
FIONA: Oh, my.
[We cut a final time to show that there is a
dropped laundry basket by her side, and that all
those clothes had spilt out of it.]
FIONA: Such a butterfingers, me! Now, what kind of an
example is that to set to Suzy and Niki?
[She starts to pick up the clothes, making her
way down the corridor as she does so.]
11. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Niki herself is here in the bed, asleep.
Slowly, she wakes up, talking half in her sleep
as she does so.]
NIKI [Bleary]: Hai, Fiona-chan, I'll get my rubber sheet
off now...
[Becomes more awake, though not 100%.]
NIKI: Hm? Whoa, catch up, Niki-chan, you don't do that
anymore...kuso...haven't done it since I was
fifteen... hhhhhh...what time is it?
[Groggily gets out of bed and staggers to a huge
ornate grandfather clock. Stops a moment.]
NIKI: Fecking analogue thing...
[Checks to see that no-one's looking, then opens
up the face to reveal a digital display within.]
8:55
[Niki suddenly snaps awake all the way.]
NIKI: 8:55?! Shit! I'm late!!
[Hurrying-type music plays as Niki frantically
removes her pyjamas. Darting to her cupboard,
she hurriedly manages to find a black silk bra
and put it on herself. Next she slips on a black
T-shirt with a dragon motif on it. Then she
delves into her drawer once more in search of
lower underwear. She soon curses. None. She
jumps across to her own clothes basket and digs
through until she scores: a pair of black silk
panties. She quickly examines them cautiously,
then sniffs them: Gah, her face says, not clean.
She hurriedly grabs a crimson skirt, slips it
on, then takes the pants and scoots from the
room.]
12. CORRIDOR.
[Niki rushes out of her room and barges through
the bathroom door.]
13. BATHROOM.
[The shower is running, not that Niki pays much
notice. She nips over to the basin and squirts
some soap-on-tap onto the pants. She then opens
the shower. From a POV within the shower, she
bundles up the pants and puts them in the water
stream. She wrings them through a few times,
then withdraws them. Back outside the shower,
she pulls the pants on under her skirt, then
shivers as she leaves them. She rushes out
again.]
[Bobbi's head peeps out from within the shower.]
BOBBI: Um...hello?
14. LIVING ROOM.
[Now wearing earrings that consist of a pound
sign on one ear and a yen on the other, Niki
blazes past, grabbing her bag as she goes and
leaping into her shoes as she hits the exit.
Watching her leave are Suzy and onna-Ratbat,
both in their night attire, and having obviously
just got up. A sleepy B-chan is by Suzy's foot.
Fiona enters, carrying a breakfast tray.]
FIONA: Oh, my. Where is Niki-chan going to in such a
hurry?
SUZY: Wakaranai.
FIONA: She can't possibly have not realised it's
Saturday again, can she?
[Ratbat blearily shrugs.]
SUZY: Nerf. Sleep well, Ratti?
RATBAT: I've had better.
SUZY: Nerf?
RATBAT: Dreams were a bit weird, is all.
SUZY: Oh. Anything wildly inspirational to construct a
plan to persuade our parents to let us run our
own lives?
[Ratbat looks lost in thought a moment.
Dream/flashback to:]
15. CLASSROOM.
[Dream sequence. Ratbat-kun is the only student
in the class, seated at a desk. Bearing over
him, wearing fishnet stockings with bunny-ears
under a mortar-board is Suzy with
an...interesting look on her face.]
SUZY: You didn't do your homework, ne? What a
naaauuughty boy. Weeeell, I guess I'll just have
to punish you....
[Ratbat looks terrified. End dream.]
16. LIVING ROOM.
RATBAT: Not as such, no...
SUZY: Nerf.
[Len [as a human] and Bobbi come in and sit down
at the table, as do the unwillingly [shyeah,
right] betrothed. Fiona looks out the door.]
FIONA: Maybe I should go after her...
BOBBI: I wouldn't worry about it.
FIONA: But she'll miss breakfast...
LEN: Ah, it won't do her any harm. She could do with
losing a bit of weight.
[Everyone stares at him.]
SUZY, RATBAT & BOBBI: Nani?
LEN: Well, she's got a more than a few kilos on her,
there.
[He starts on the food. Everyone's faces still
read 'This is Niki we're talking about here,
right?']
BOBBI: What, you think she's fat?
LEN: Aye.
BOBBI: Do you think I'm fat?
[Len looks her over.]
LEN: Well, I'd want to wait until the baby was born
to judge that, you know?
[Bobbi looks put out, and sulkily stares down
the top of her dress: there isn't more down
there than I remember, is there?]
[Suzy is eyeing Len dangerously.]
SUZY: What about me? Huh?
[Len doesn't look up from getting food to shove
in his face.]
LEN: Ah, well, you're a martial artist. You're
allowed to be a bit chunky.
[Ratbat's eyes shoot out wide, she quickly puts
down her food and backward-somersaults out of
the way.]
SUZY: CHUNKY?!?
[Before Len can realise what's happening, Suzy's
got out her mallet and pounded him to the floor.
She stares down the mallet at him.]
SUZY: Sigmatome-san, have you possibly been watching
the girls in Marmalade Boy again?
LEN [Ouch]: Yes...
SUZY [Self]: Warped standards. That explains a lot... [Aloud]
Baka.
B-CHAN: Buki!
[Thumps Len again.]
[Fiona looks stern.]
BOBBI: Suzy...! You shouldn't hit our house guests with
a big mallet!
[Suzy turns to her, still wielding the mallet.]
BOBBI: Um...just keep it on hand for future reference.
[Under breath] Uh-oh, that time of the month...
RATBAT [Advert]: For Tendo Suzy, every time is that time!
SUZY: Ratbat no baka!
[And, big surprise, Ratbat gets the mallet and
is floored.]
RATBAT: When am I going to learn to put a filter
inbetween this [points to temple] and this?
[Points to mouth.]
[B-chan bites her fringe and starts to growl as
he pulls it.]
[Mix to:]
17. ROAD TO SCHOOL.
[Niki walks along, looking annoyed.]
NIKI [VO]: Kuso! This is worse than the time when I was a
kid and I paid the delivery guy with Monopoly
money, and forgot to palm the change! So
embarrassing!
[She hears a sound nearby. She stops. Voices?
She makes her way along the wall until she finds
a gap in it, and walks through.]
18. NEAR CANAL.
[Like the wall in Ranma, there is a small canal
on the other side. Niki comes through, and sees
four girls in black-and-yellow leotards with the
NC logo on the breast, nursing various injuries.
They've obviously just been through something.
Amongst them is Sayuri Kim.]
NIKI: Whoa...! What happened, guys?
[Sayuri starts, but relaxes when she sees who it
is.]
SAYURI: Aa! Niki!
NIKI: You don't look good, Sayuri-chan. [Beat] I could
sell you some band-aids for Y100 a shot...
[Sayuri shakes her head.]
SAYURI: Don't worry...
NIKI: What happened here, anyway?
SAYURI: We had an early practise session for
gymnastics...so we were on our way to that new
okonomiyaki-ya for breakfast.
NIKI: Kochan's.
SAYURI: The next thing we know, we're being...set on by
a bunch of girls in purple leotards!
NIKI: But aren't you our martial-arts gymnasts?
Couldn't you just...
[Does some extremely silly-looking actions.]
NIKI: ...ja, martial-arts gymnastise them?
SAYURI: There was loads of them...and they were led by
some big girl with red hair! And they were
fighting all dirty, and mean!
NIKI: Do you need me to sell you some protection?
SAYURI: No...[inspiration] But I know what you could get
us....
[Mix to:]
19. KOCHAN'S.
[The okonomiyaki shop is now up and running.
Open on Suzy reacting.]
SUZY: Boku?
[Pull back to show that she is here with Niki,
Sayuri and the other three gymnasts.]
NIKI: The heats have been running for months now. The
semi-finals are over, and now there's only two
schools left. Us and St Hebereke.
SAYURI: Normally, the two schools will pick their best
girl to compete in the finals. But with all our
entrants being attacked...and it looks like St
Hebereke have this new...demon in charge of
them!
[While she continues in the background, go to
Ratbat watching Colleen making okonomiyaki at
the counter. Colleen finishes the last one and
adds it to a tray.]
RATBAT: D'ye want me to take it over there?
COLLEEN: No...watch this. [Very clear] Oh, it would be my
greatest wish fulfilled if someone would take
this order over to the corner table for me.
[Suddenly the cupboard beneath the counter
springs open and Charlotte emerges.]
CHARLOTTE: I'll do it, my darling!
[He grabs the tray and whisks it away to the
table, where he starts handing them out. Ratbat
watches.]
COLLEEN: I figured if he was going to always be around, I
may as well put him to good use.
CHARLOTTE [Off]: Ano, that's the pork for the uncute tomboy;
pears, honey and vindaloo sauce for the scary
goth chick with the big tits; vegetarian for the
pipsqueak; beef for the blonde bimbo; and
chicken for you other two.
[There is the sound of a cross-dresser being
pummelled. We then see Charlotte limping off to
the back room. Colleen grins nastily.]
COLLEEN: Besides, I love his people skills.
20. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[Tim and Kunou are already here. Occasionally we
can hear Norm's voice from upstairs, laughing
insanely about something. Leila enters, pleased
with herself.]
LEILA: Ahhh...the poor denizens of Narrabundah
College's team! Tssh! I'm almost limbered up
now.
[Swans out again. Kunou is obviously deeply
perturbed.]
KUNOU: How can this be, Timothy?
TIM: Sir?
KUNOU: The martial-arts gymnasts of Narrabundah
College!
TIM: Oh. You're wondering about Kunou-sama cheating
against them.
KUNOU: What? Oh, that. No, Timothy, I speak of the
unspeakable notion that there be a club in
Narrabundah College that does not have me as its
president!
TIM: Ano, Kunou-sama, it is an all-girls club...
KUNOU: Bother me not with trivialities! This can only
reflect badly! If the students of the college do
not see me as their worthy leader in all
aspects, the very soul of the school itself can
only be torn apart! [Beat] I would remedy this,
Hodjsuke-kun - come! We shall infiltrate this
elitist band! Sanjo!
[He poses with his rubber sword, then strides
out. Cut to show that Tim is in fact only now
returning to the room. He looks at where Kunou
now isn't.]
TIM: Oh, I must have missed one.
21. KOCHAN'S.
[On Colleen and Ratbat behind the counter.
Colleen is watching Ratbat as she cooks an
okonomiyaki.]
RATBAT: Och... 'ow's that 'un, then?
[OK, so Colleen's looking far more at Ratbat
than at the okonomiyaki.]
COLLEEN [VO]:God, even when he's a girl he looks cute. [Beat]
Ja, does cute, anyway. There's only so cute you
can look when you resemble Charles Darwin's pet
bat... In fact, why is he a girl now? There's
plenty of hot water.
COLLEEN: [Sigh]
COLLEEN [VO]:To think, all I have to do is remove your
indelible curse, get rid of your fiance, and
change the way you feel about me and you'll be
mine...
RATBAT: Kochan!
[The dreamy look goes, and Colleen snaps back to
reality.]
COLLEEN: Hm? What?
RATBAT: The okonomiyaki. This one. How does it look?
COLLEEN: Oh. Uh. Fine. Ja, you're not me yet, but not bad
for a first-timer. Of course, maybe if we had
some more time later to do it...
[Ratbat's eyes start to narrow, but Suzy's
arrival saves the issue.]
SUZY: Nerf! How come you'll teach Ratti to make
okonomiyaki, but not me?
[Colleen thinks for a moment.]
22. KOCHAN'S.
[Dream sequence. Colleen watches as Suzy flips
an okonomiyaki onto the griddle and it melts a
big hole right through it. End dream.]
23. KOCHAN'S.
RATBAT: What do they want with ye, anyway?
SUZY: Ja, there's been some trouble from St Herebeke's
- the other team in the martial-arts gymnastics
finals, and...to cut a long story short, they
want me to be their entrant.
RATBAT: You? Why you?
SUZY: Because I can handle myself if I'm attacked
beforehand, and I'm one of the best martial-
artists in the school!
RATBAT: Ee, I meant dooshite you, and not me?
[Suzy sighs. Niki comes up.]
NIKI: They probably don't have a leotard that'd fit
you.
[She pokes Ratbat in one of her lower breasts.]
RATBAT: Feh.
SUZY: What, so now I got this job on the strength of
my breasts alone?
RATBAT: Strength? Of those things?
SUZY: Grrrr...
[Niki turns Suzy to face her, and looks over the
'things' in question.]
NIKI [Mock-sexy]: Oh, I think I can see it. Maybe not so much
strength, as power...
SUZY [Sexy]: Power, ne? Niki-chan, you can always...feel my
charge if you want to?
[Niki embraces her.]
NIKI: Ahhhh, but who even needs electricity when we've
got so much...chemistry??
[Suzy swings Niki back, tango-style.]
SUZY: Careful, baby, I'm volatile.
[The door opens, and all turn to see who is
there. Suzy lets go of Niki and she crashes to
the ground. It is in fact: Kunou Jarrah, wearing
a very tacky-looking long blonde wig, and
horrible floral dress with badly applied make-up
on his face. There is a long pause.]
SAYURI: Eeto...Kunou-sempai?
KUNOU [Really bad falsetto]:Kunou-sempai? Who is Kunou-
sempai? I am just an ordinary girl who wishes to
join in your noble club! My name is...[big
pause] Jarako-chan.
[Kunou puts his hand in front of his mouth and
tries to laugh daintily.]
KUNOU: Hur, hur, hur, hur, hur.
24. STREET OF KOCHAN'S.
[We see the sky above: Kunou is kicked into it,
doing the oyakusoku pozu, his wig flying off as
he does.]
[Down at the shop itself, we see a girl in the
purple leotard of St Hebereke (also with a logo)
crouching by the window.]
[Dissolve.]
25. ROAD TO SCHOOL.
[Mix in. Suzy, Ratbat-kun and Niki are walking
to school. Suzy is carrying B-chan in her arms.]
NIKI: So, when are you going to own up?
RATBAT: Niki, for the forty-seventh time, if you just
happen to cancel all my debts to you in your
ledger books and do it in my handwriting, and
forget about it, it's hardly my fault!
NIKI: I was talking to Suzy.
RATBAT: Aye...I knew that. I was just...mentioning it in
case ye'd forgotten.
SUZY: Own up to what?
NIKI: The fact that you can't do martial-arts
gymnastics.
[They stop. Ratbat looks at Suzy.]
RATBAT: You what?
B-CHAN: Buiiiii!?
SUZY: Oh, come on! There's almost three weeks before
the final heat! How hard can it be to pick up? I
am a Rejinra martial artist, remember?
NIKI: So what? From what I've seen since Batti got
here, that just means you'll get the crap beaten
out of you until you find some obscure loophole
to abuse.
[Ratbat and Suzy look sheepish.]
SUZY: Meep.
B-CHAN: Buki.
[He struggles out of Suzy's arms, and scampers
off down the street. Suzy, still looking
sheepish, doesn't notice.]
SUZY: Jaaaaa...I guess there could be one in this
too...
[Awkward silence. Then Ratbat's ears twitch.]
RATBAT: Ano, can anyone else hear a ukulele?
[They both look blank for a moment.]
SUZY: Ratti...have you been eating Col's 'special'
okonomiyaki?
NIKI: No. Matte-yo, she's right...[bewildered] it's
coming from the gakko!
[Pigs and martial arts forgotten, they move on.]
26. QUAD.
[The ukulele music audible here, we see that a
lot of students are filing towards the gym. Our
heroes, looking confused, enter the quad and
follow them.]
27. GYM.
[We've never seen this place before, but you can
guess what it's like, really. At the moment,
it's filling up with students. We close-up on
Daisuke and Hiroshi, seated atop a pile of
bleachers, looking down at the gym.]
HIROSHI: When's the last time we had an assembly?
DAISUKE: I can't remember. I think maybe one so far this
year.
HIROSHI: Except this one, of course.
DAISUKE: Of course.
HIROSHI: What do you think's going on?
DAISUKE: Apart from the assembly, you mean?
HIROSHI: Apart from the assembly.
DAISUKE: Ja... I suppose if we knew what was going on,
they wouldn't need an assembly to tell us.
HIROSHI: Soodesuka. [Beat] Kunou-sempai's being awfully
quiet, isn't he?
[Show Kunou sulking in one corner of the gym,
sullen.]
DAISUKE: Hai. Chotto hen, sore. I don't think I've ever
heard him being quiet.
HIROSHI: I've heard a rumour that he did on one occasion
during a fire drill last year.
DAISUKE: Hai, but that's unconfirmed.
HIROSHI: You're right there.
[The ukulele music over the PA zips to a close,
and all eyes turn to the front of the gym, where
a mike and a bunch of chairs are set up. A bunch
of staff, Ruthie-sensei amongst them, sit on the
chairs behind the big mike. Norm skips up to the
mike, taps it once, then roars into it:]
NORM [Over PA]: HARO, MAI SUTUUDENTSU!
[In the crowd, we see the younger Tendo sisters,
Ratbat, and Gosunkugi nearby. Sam leans over to
Ratbat.]
GOSUNKUGI [Whispers]: Ratti - you can speak English. What
was that?
RATBAT [Whispers]:I can speak English, he can't.
GOSUNKUGI: ?
NIKI [Whispers]: I think it was supposed to be 'Hello, my
students...' Ohayo, seito.
SUZY [Whispers]: Ohhh, this is going to be fun.
[Norm is still getting manic at the mike.]
NORM [PA]: NAU, some of YUU bruddas and sistas may not be
knowing MII! MII am your principal - Kunou Norm!
I have been on RIIBU, and at some TIICHAAZU
KONFURENSU in Hawaii for the last three years!
But now, I am being back!
[Sound it out.]
SUZY [Whispers]: You mean this manuke's supposed to be
here?!
NORM [PA]: HEI! MII was hearing dat, keiki!
[He dramatically points at Suzy.]
NORM [PA]: Demerit point!
[Ruthie-sensei leans over to another teacher.]
RUTHIE [Whispers]:What's a demerit point do?
[The other teacher shrugs. Norm whirls around
and points to Ruthie.]
NORM: Demerit point!
[Little Ruthie bursts into tears before her
seat.]
RUTHIE: Waaahhh! But I'm staff!!!
NORM: Two demerit points!
[Ruthie is instantly back in her seat.]
RUTHIE [Sheepish]:I'll be good.
[She spins her five-yen piece and grins a
childlike evil grin.]
RUTHIE [VO]: ...for now!
NORM [PA]: ENIIUEII, I have been thinking up new things to
make ASU no SUKUURU better! ANDO SOU, HIIRU are
the new uniforms for you all!
[Up onto the makeshift stage comes Colleen,
unhappily wearing a Hawaiian shirt and grey
jeans with trainers.]
NORM [PA]: HIIRU is what all the bruddas gotta wear!
COLLEEN: You do know I'm a girl, don't you?
[Norm points at her.]
NORM: Demerit point!
[Colleen sighs. There are gasps of shock from
the crowd. On Daisuke and Hiroshi. Hiroshi is
trying not to laugh her head off.]
HIROSHI: Ja, it does look like you boys are going to be
fashionable.
NORM [PA, OOV]: HIIRU is what all the sistas gotta wear!
[Hiroshi stops laughing and just stares at what
she sees while it's Daisuke's turn to laugh his
head off. We see the front, onto which Timothy
walks - forced into a hula-dancer's outfit -
yep, grass skirt and all that. On Niki and
company.]
RATBAT: That so is sexist!
NIKI: Definitely!
RATBAT: The bastard! Doesn't he know that I can't wear a
Hawaiian shirt? I just can't pull it off!
[Suzy mallets him.]
SUZY: This is more than I can take! I'm going to the
toilet.
[Starts to walk out of the gym.]
NORM [PA]: HEI! Sista, if YUU walk outta that door, that's
ANNADAA demerit point!
[Suzy stops and turns.]
SUZY: Yeah? Ja, it'd probably also be a demerit if I
pissed all over your nice gymnasium floor!
[Exits.]
RATBAT: She's right. The new regime is well strict.
NIKI: Ee. In the old days, no-one ever cared when
someone did that...
[Both shake their heads. Dissolve.]
28. LADIES'.
[Suzy is washing her hands. She squirts some
soap from the dispenser into her hand. She is
about to use it when she stops short: something
is wrong. She brings her hand to her face to
smell the soap...and falls to the ground.]
[At this, a figure in a purple leotard burst out
of the cubicle - it is the leader of the St
Hebereke martial-arts gymnastics team...the
Black Rose, Kunou Leila!]
LEILA: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And so, the Narrabundah College
'secret weapon' falls - always an easy victory!!
You know, sometimes I'm so great I want to
become president of my own fan club - then I
remember...I already am! AAAHAHAHA! [Under
breath] Actually, it was a bit embarrassing when
seven or so of the wrong girls came in to wash
their hands, but...[shrug] Now, you shall feel
the thorn of the Black Rose!
[Draws back her weapon - a long gymnastics
ribbon on a wand - to strike down at Suzy,
but...]
[...the supposedly paralysed girl on the floor
rolls away and leaps to her feet!]
LEILA: Nani...? My potion!
SUZY: Ha! You've got bad timing, cow! Nothing can get
through the smell after I've just used the
facilities. [Beat] But if you tell anyone I live
with I admitted that, I'll kill you.
LEILA: Kill? Oh, allow me! Kurobara furikakeru!
[Whips out a large amount of black roses, which
thud into the wall around Suzy like darts.]
SUZY: Chikusho!
[Leaps out of the way just in time to avoid
another rose.]
SUZY: You're mad!
[Tries to directly attack Leila, but it seems
the redhead can block reasonably well.]
SUZY: I mean...I thought Kunou was bad enough...and
now I've met his dad, the kouchou!
[Leila manages to thrust Suzy back.]
SUZY: Who are you, anyway?!
LEILA: Ha! Tremble at my name, for I am the Black
Rose...Kunou Leila!
[Suzy gets the big sweat drop.]
SUZY: [Sigh] Figures...by any chance have you only
ever had one set of grandparents?
[Leila growls and the fight resumes.]
SUZY: I guess that was a personal question.
[They scuffle a bit, then Ratbat-kun and Niki
run in.]
RATBAT: Gordon Bennett!
NIKI: What's going on?
RATBAT: Need any help?
[Not that he ever waits for an answer. He leaps
for Leila's back, just as she is throwing her
ribbon back to whip at Suzy. So, unexpectedly,
Leila's ribbon wraps around Ratbat's foot, and
he is pulled to Leila's shoulders, tumbling them
both to the floor. Suzy gets out of the way, and
Ratbat finds himself underneath the gymnast,
face to face.]
LEILA: Grrr!! Now you...[sees him properly] you!
RATBAT: Me! Ano, do I know you? [Scowls] I'm not engaged
to you, an' all, am I?
LEILA: Engagement! Why, you wonderful, handsome man...!
What a splendid idea!
[Suzy scowls at them.]
SUZY [VO]: Handsome?? She thinks he's handsome? Nerf, the
most I give her is that she's a bit cute.
No...no I don't.
[Ratbat opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.
Leila looks, and...]
LEILA: Aa! Fangs!! I love men with kiba!
RATBAT: ...
LEILA: Take me now! I'm yours!
[She leans forward to kiss him. He looks
terrified, and doesn't move. Suzy suddenly
realises something.]
SUZY: Ratti! Don't kiss her!!
NIKI: Ooohhh! Someone's jealous!
SUZY [Flat]: Well, you can kiss her if you are. [To Ratbat]
Like with the soap! Her lipstick's probably
poison!
RATBAT: Doku??
[On his back, skids out from under Leila like a
mechanic rolling out from under a car. Leila
turns her attention to Suzy.]
LEILA: You witch! What's your interest in this Greek
Adonis?
RATBAT [VO]: As opposed to what? A Korean Adonis? Adonis,
most handsome man in all Pakistan?
SUZY: Ratbat's my fiance!
NIKI: Han...what happened to not caring about that?
SUZY: Shouldn't you be in bed or something?
NIKI [Mock-sexy]: Ja, without you there, Suuuuuuzy-chan...
LEILA: You shouldn't worry - your girlfriend's about to
need plenty of bedrest!
[Leila and Suzy start fighting again.]
NIKI: She's my sister, actually...
[No-one pays attention to her. Sayuri emerges
from a cubicle, and sees Ratbat. She gets all
squealy and upset.]
SAYURI: Eeek! There's a boy in the girls' toilets!!
[Ratbat sighs, wets herself with the tap, and
becomes female.]
SAYURI: Oh, it's OK. There's a girl there now.
RATBAT: Have ye no worked out yet that I'm only one
person?
SAYURI: Hey! It's a cultural thing.
[She sees the fracas.]
SAYURI: That's the girl who beat us up!
RATBAT: So you'll wanna stay and help us get her, nee?
SAYURI: Fuck no! I'm bolting before she can do me again!
[Runs out.]
RATBAT: Coward. OK, this is getting silly...
[Launches herself into the fight. Before long,
between the two of them, Ratbat and Suzy have
Leila up against the wall. Leila stares at
Ratbat.]
LEILA: I don't know who you are, but you certainly
can't save this insolent, common piece of trash!
SUZY: Ee, you're a Kunou, all right.
[Ratbat's eyes widen as Suzy says that, but she
doesn't say anything yet.]
LEILA: Ha! You might have me pinned now, Tendo, but
your luck can't last forever!
[She produces and drops a smoke-bomb. It goes
off, smoke filling the room.]
LEILA [VO]: AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
29. QUAD.
[Niki, Suzy and Ratbat emerge from the toilets,
coughing in the trail of smoke that follows
them.]
NIKI [Coughing]: Fuck...more smoke than an unsupervised
locker-room at a private school!
RATBAT [Coughing]:She's a Kunou?
SUZY: Hai. She's also my opponent in the finals. You
know something? I think that that training
really might be a good idea...
[They walk off, past Norm, who is now standing
at the top of the quad, playing his ukulele with
the case open in front of him. His voice trails
into the next scene.]
[Fade to black.]
NORM [VO, sings]: AI UISHI DEI ORU KUUDO BII KARIFORUNIA
GAARUZU...!
30. BEHIND COMMON ROOM.
[Leila, now wearing her school uniform, paces up
and down before Tim (now back in his ninja
gear).]
LEILA: Who was that man, Hodjsuke-sama?
TIM: Which man?
LEILA: Brown hair...Chinese clothes...[sigh]...perfect
sweet fangs...
[Tim goes into pre-programmed-for-Kunou mode.]
TIM: Why, that scoundrel is none other than Sigmatome
Ratbat - the fiendish scourge of all Neribanda!
[Leila hits him very hard with her wand.]
LEILA: Timothy! How can you say such things about my
sweet Ratbat-sama?!
[Tim looks a bit confused.]
TIM: OK...
LEILA: And what about the other? That girl with the
same hairdo as my sweet Ratbat?
TIM: Aa! Now, that bat-featured Venus is--
[Leila hits him with the stick again.]
LEILA: A Venus?? That...trog??
TIM: Han...but there's something you should know,
Kunou-sama.
LEILA: What's that?
TIM: Ja...Sigmatome Ratbat...and the redhead...are--
LEILA: What? A couple?? Despite the fact that he's
lumbered with that square-breasted harpy who
fancies herself as his fiance, that slut still
pursues him! Timothy! We must put a stop to
this!
[Punctuates a lot with the ribbon and wand,
striking Tim every time. She laughs again, and
bounds off.]
TIM: I hate my job.
[Dissolve.]
31. OFFICE.
[An FBI/CIA/law enforcement-type office.
Obviously a few people use this. There is a
woman here reading a report. Her eyes
are...different. Black. Pupil, iris,
sclera...all smooth and obsidian-like.]
[CAPTION: Washington, USA
Monday 2 October 1995 ]
[Euan wanders in.]
EUAN [VO]: OK. Now I've just got to get back to Suzy to--
[He looks around and scowls.]
EUAN: Fun! Again!
[The woman at the desk looks up.]
AGENT: What are you doing here?
EUAN: Is this...the Tendo Dojo?
AGENT: Does it look like a dojo?
EUAN: You might have redecorated.
AGENT: Dojo de wa arimasen. It's a secret government
headquarters... [some alarm] What do you want
here? Are you a possessed genetic mutant come to
destroy us before we get wise to your evil
deeds?!
[Euan blinks at her.]
EUAN: Actually I'd like to use the toilet...
[The agent calms right down.]
AGENT: Oh, first left behind you.
EUAN: Arigatoo. Suman.
[Exits. The woman returns to her work.
Dissolve.]
32. COMMON ROOM.
[Ratbat-kun is here, reading a rape-fantasy
manga and looking really bored. All around, the
students are now dressed in the uniforms
dictated to them. Somehow, Ratbat has managed to
dredge up a Hawaiian-pattern Chinese shirt from
somewhere. Colleen, wearing the hula-dancer
gear, comes and sits at the table with him.]
COLLEEN: Hey, Ratchan.
RATBAT: Howyeh.
[He looks Colleen over.]
RATBAT: Ye succumbed to the girls' threads, no da?
COLLEEN: Ratchan, I was wearing boys' clothes for eleven
years. I did get a bit sick of it.
RATBAT [Under breath]: Nee, makes two of us...
COLLEEN: Han?
RATBAT: Never mind...
COLLEEN: Anyway, as I...got bigger...
[Motions around her chest.]
COLLEEN: ...bandaging became a less fun experience, let
me tell you! Besides, it started to have a
detrimental effect.
RATBAT: Un?
COLLEEN: Ja, no light, no air...they kind of got all
pale, dry and wrinkly.
[Ratbat screws up his face.]
RATBAT: Och, miryokuteki naaaa...
COLLEEN: Ee. So I thought it would be a good idea to, you
know, give them a good airing.
[Smiles proudly at Ratbat and seems to think her
own chest is worth holding proudly. Ratbat,
conversely, barely notices, and idly starts
flipping through the manga again.]
COLLEEN [VO]:...not that you'd notice, would you? God, and
they're such good ones, too! What's with you,
Ratchan? Well, I suppose you have got four of
your own you can look at. And another two that
you keep 'accidentally' seeing...even if one of
them is broken.
[They look up as Suzy and Niki enter. Somehow,
they look even less suited to the new uniform
than Colleen. Suzy has managed to keep her dog
collar Jean-Luc and looks rather unimpressed
with her outfit. Niki is walking a bit funny.
Colleen can't stop herself from laughing.]
SUZY: What are you laughing at? You've got to wear it
too!
COLLEEN: Gomen...but it's the way you wear it!
SUZY [Hmph!]:Nerf!
[She sits down.]
NIKI: I hate this skirt! It's making me all itchy!
SUZY: You should've worn longer underwear.
NIKI: I should've worn underwear.
RATBAT: Gurl, Fiona's really driving it home about
meaning to teach you to use the washer...
[She gets out a book and starts to read. The
other three, look up, though, as on the table
appears a familiar midget pervert master martial-
artist!]
GRAHAM: Did I hear the magic word??
RATBAT: Aaaaaa! Happi Gra-Gra!
[Throws/drops his book in shock. Graham leans
over and looks at it.]
GRAHAM: Ah, I remember that. Quite a good one.
Especially page sixty-three.
SUZY: Dette ike, you old onara.
GRAHAM: Haha! And what about you, Ratbat-chan?? Do you
want me to bugger off, or do you want a shower
from my...hot kettle?
[Lifts one of said objects up to table-level and
tips it over Ratbat's head. He looks, hot, wet,
male, and unimpressed. Graham snaps his
fingers.]
GRAHAM: Shimatta! It's the other way around, isn't it?
[Colleen notices something.]
COLLEEN: Hey, why are you wearing a Hawaiian shirt? Don't
tell me you enrolled here! [Pause] Please God
don't tell me you've enrolled here!
[Yes, instead of his usual top, Graham's wearing
one of the ever-present Hawaiian shirts. He
smooths it proudly.]
GRAHAM: Oh, this? You like it? A man of some taste, your
principal. Yes...I think I might keep it this
way...you never know! Could get me some pretty
ladies!
[He leaps off the table and walks off proudly
displaying his loud garmentry. As he is about to
leave the common room, and couple of giggling
young girls run up and appear to be taking an
interest in him. Suzy, Colleen and Ratbat watch
this.]
COLLEEN: God! Give a hentai the right shirt...
33. QUAD.
[Leila is here, looking into the common room
through the side entrance as she crouches by a
strut for the walkway cover.]
LEILA [VO]: You really thought you'd seen the last of me,
didn't you, Tendo Suzy? Guess again, girly - I
can take you out of the running for both the
final and for my Ratbat-sama...
[She gets herself ready to spring.]
LEILA: Kurobara furik--
[Suddenly, a fridge falls on top of her from the
top of the walkway cover.]
[Naturally, therefore, she doesn't quite finish
her pounce. Go to the top of the covered walkway
to show that Tim and Kunou are there. Kunou
looks proud, smug and satisfied. Even more so
than usual. Tim is looking over the edge at the
fridge.]
KUNOU: Once more my inspired teaching has guided your
aim true, Hodjsuke-kun.
TIM: I mean...but, Kunou-sama...was it really
necessary to do that to your own sister?
KUNOU: Ties of kazoku are but meaningless genes when
true honour is at stake, Timothy. Not only could
I not allow her to harm the precious Tendo Suzy,
but the honour of mine own school, the glorious
Narrabundah College, is at stake! This battle
shalt be fought fairly in the ring, or not at
all!
[He looks over at the dropped fridge.]
KUNOU: Besides, I hate the bitch.
[Cut to:]
34. COMMON ROOM.
RATBAT: 'ere, we 'aven't heard much more out of that
Shrinking Violet, or whatever she called
herself, have we?
SUZY: Ee...
[She notices Niki reading the book.]
SUZY: What's that?
NIKI: It's the rules for the inter-school martial-arts
gymnastics league. I figure I'll find all the
petty non-competition technicalities and run a
book on which one you'll use to your advantage.
SUZY: [Sigh] Tosser.
RATBAT: Och, ye still ain't overcome yer biggest
disadvantage...
SUZY [Badly-faked ignorance]: Uh? Nani yo?
RATBAT: Ye dinna ken how to do this thing! How do ye
plan to get around that?
[Cut to:]
35. DOJO PROPER.
[Euan is here, overconfidently flipping a ribbon-
wand over and over.]
EUAN: I'll teach you.
[We see that Niki, Ratbat-kun and Suzy are in
the doorway, still wearing their school
uniforms. Euan's eyes narrow.]
EUAN [VO]: Yes...and then you'll be grateful, won't you,
Suzy...? [sigh] And so you'll forget all about
me and come rushing to my ex-boyfriend. [Scowls]
Chikusho, I think I got that the wrong way
round...
NIKI: Kimi?
SUZY: You know this style, Euie-kun?
EUAN: I was the champion of it at mine and Ratbat's
old school! Didn't he tell you?
[Suzy and Niki glare at Ratbat.]
RATBAT: I didnae know! [Beat] Though I do remember
thinkin' ye were rather flexible...
[Euan face-faults. A simmering Suzy looks from
Euan to Ratbat, back and forth.]
SUZY [VO]: EX-boyfriend, Suzy. Remember, ex-boyfriend, ex-
boyfriend...
[Her hand tightens on her mallet. She looks
between them, working out who's the better
target.]
SUZY [VO]: Ah, the Hell with it...
SUZY: Baka!
[She whirls around and mallets a surprised
Niki.]
NIKI: Hey! What was that for?
SUZY: A tie-break. [To Euan] You'll help me, then?
[She steps towards him. His eyes fall towards
her chest.]
EUAN: I...han...bibabibabibabibabibabibabibabiba...
[Blood peeks at the edge of his nose. Niki
rushes around, snaps his head upwards so he's
facing Suzy's face, and puts a finger across his
nose. He looks dizzy for a moment, then composes
himself.]
EUAN [Finger over nose]: Danggh goo.
NIKI: Do itashimashite! Not bad for Y500, is it?
EUAN: [Sigh] Dooby-dahn, I gegg--
[Suzy slaps Niki and she withdraws her hands.
Euan manages to keep his head upright.]
EUAN: I can help you, Suzy-san, but I know you haven't
done anything quite like this before.
So...[getting more nervous] so
you'll...I'll...we'll have to spend a lot of
time together over the next week of couples...
[Suzy doesn't notice it, but Ratbat and Niki
glare at him.]
EUAN: Aa...couple of weeks.
SUZY: That's OK - I don't mind that.
[A little love-heart drifts up from Euan's head
as he freezes with his mouth open.]
EUAN [Far too much enthusiasm]: Hontoo??
SUZY: Ee. I mean, I've got to do this, so I'd better
get trained for it properly.
[Euan tries to nod sagely.]
EUAN: That's a very good idea, then.
[However, by his head a thought bubble appears.
It has an SD Euan in it, bouncing around and
jumping for joy.]
S.D. EUAN: Yatta! YATTA!!!!
[The SD Euan starts doing butter-churning
actions. The thought bubble pops out of
existence when Ratbat and Niki draw Euan aside.]
NIKI [Low]: Smooth, B-chan, real smooth.
EUAN [Low]: But I can teach her the art!
RATBAT [Low]:And we dinna doubt you that. But we both know
that the thought of all these days alone with
Suzy is...
NIKI [Low]: ...more than a fringe benefit, shall we say.
RATBAT [Low]:Aye.
EUAN [Low]: So? I'm better for her than you! [Accusing] I
wouldn't go and sleep with her sister!
NIKI [Low]: No, not at my prices you won't.
RATBAT [Low]:Anyway, maybe you should just remember...
[Niki nods back towards Suzy.]
NIKI [Low]: ...we know things that you don't.
[They leave him be. He sulks a bit.]
EUAN: Fun! Now I'll be all paranoid and won't enjoy
it!
SUZY: Hey! What were you talking about back there?
NIKI: Oh, nothing, imoto-chan - just your breasts.
SUZY: Soone. I thought it might've been something
unusual...
[Mix to:]
36. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[Kunou is here, striking a pose with his rubber
sword. He fixes himself in a warrior-like
position, grabs the end of the sword to stop it
quivering, then holds still. Then there is a
flash. He rushes around to a now-visible camera
on a tripod. He winds back the timer, then runs
back to where he was and strikes another pose.
We see the flash, then the picture goes still as
we see the results of this heroic pose. And
another. And another.]
KUNOU [VO]: Ah, truly magnificent!
[And another. Then one in which Leila is walking
behind him and doing bunny-ears. Then another
normal one. Finally we go back to normal view.
Kunou winds the film back, takes it out of the
camera and gives it to Tim.]
KUNOU: Make haste to have these developed, Timothy -
they will make excellent sight fodder for the
next issue of my fan club magazine.
TIM: Hai, Kunou-sama.
KUNOU: And while we speak of such matters, is the
latest issue ready for distribution?
TIM: It most certainly is, sir.
KUNOU: Then send it forth, as you have the others!
TIM: I'll see to it right away, sir.
37. BESIDE KUNOU MANOR.
[A bunch of magazines drop out of a first story
window to join others like them on a rubbish
heap below.]
38. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[While Kunou reloads the camera, Tim returns to
find Leila pacing.]
TIM: You seem troubled, Kunou-sama.
LEILA: Hm. That I am. It seems that this 'Tendo Suzy'
may in fact be a worthy opponent for me.
TIM: You fear losing to her, sir?
[Leila rounds on him, eyes ablaze.]
LEILA: I fear nothing!!
[Kunou leans up close to her.]
KUNOU: Ladybug.
[Leila jumps with shock.]
LEILA: AAAHH!! WHERE??
[Realises she's been had. Kunou smirks at her
and retreats.]
LEILA: Well, I certainly don't fear losing to that
Tendo ama! Not for the championship, nor for the
hand of the beautifully-toothed Ratbat-sama...
[Gets the dreamy look. Don't women in Neribanda
just have such shocking taste?]
TIM: Mochiron. You could certainly beat her in fair
combat, sir.
[Leila screws up her face, extremely puzzled.]
LEILA: Curious...I've never heard anyone use the words
'fair' and 'combat' together like that...
AHAHAHAHAHA!
[Tim winces at the high laugh.]
KUNOU: Hodjsuke! Come!
TIM: Kunou-sama?
KUNOU: We have work to do! I would still know what
manner of club will not admit me as its leader!
[He marches off.]
TIM [OOV]: Kunou-sama, are you actually aware that it's a
girls' team?
KUNOU [OOV]: As I said, a minor obstacle.
TIM [OOV-off]: But sir, I have a deto tonight...
KUNOU [OOV-off]: Ha! Fear not, my faithful squire...I am
sure thy date will be able to amuse herself...
39. CORRIDOR.
[Fiona walks out of Niki's lair and starts down
the corridor.]
FIONA [VO]: I'm supposed to go on a date with Tim-chan
tonight...but I really think I need to start
cleaning the cobwebs from Okaasan's brassiere
drawer...
[She shakes her head.]
FIONA [VO]: No, I must be strong. My true love comes first.
[She pauses, and smiles a 'mischievous' smile.]
FIONA [VO]: Of course, I suppose it wouldn't hurt just for a
while...
[Smiles again and goes into Bobbi's place.]
40. DOJO PROPER.
[Euan is here, wearing a dark-grey-and-yellow gi
(and of course, the fedora). Suzy is in the
Narrabundah College leotard. Both hold ribbon-
wands. Euan looks like he's trying hard to
concentrate.]
SUZY: So - how did it go, Euan-kun?
[Euan's glasses start to mist up.]
EUAN [Delirious]: She called me 'Euan-kun'...!
[Ratbat-chan suddenly appears and elbows him in
the head.]
RATBAT: She always calls you 'Euan-kun', bacon-boy!
Everyone does! It's your namae, remember?
EUAN: RATBAT!!
[Is about to attack her when Suzy speaks from
off-camera.]
SUZY [OOV]: Ano, Euan-kun...
EUAN: Hai?
SUZY [OOV]: Dooshite did Ratti-chan call you 'bacon-boy'?
[Ratbat shrinks a bit. Euan panics.]
EUAN: Han...because I'm Jewish!
SUZY [OOV]: Wait a minute...I thought Jews didn't eat bacon?
EUAN: Eeto...that's right, they don't! But...I lapsed!
[Behind him, Ratbat collapses out of the shot.]
SUZY [OOV]: Soodesune. Aa, Euan-kun?
EUAN: Hm?
[He cleans his glasses and looks properly. Cut
to Suzy. Her ribbon-wand is caught up in the
ribbon tied around one of her Chun Li buns and
it's all tangled.]
SUZY [OOV]: I think you might have to show me that move
again.
[He sighs a bit, and starts to show her. The
sound drops out and music plays, leading right
into the next sequence.]
41. MONTAGE.
[While an instrumental version of Jajauma ni
Sasenaide plays, we see a lot of the following
things going on: Norm pointing at people in
school and shouting 'demerit point'. The younger
Kunous arguing and pointing while any 'targets'
walk straight past them, oblivious. Euan
training Suzy - sometimes with Niki and/or
Ratbat watching (as these clips are
interspersed, we see that Suzy is getting quite
good). Leila mixing poisons. Sayuri throwing a
beleaguered Tim in pathetic drag through a door.
Niki reading the rulebook, but switching over to
her notebook to take bets. Norm drinking the
noxious substance of Leila's and coming away
smiling and unharmed while his daughter looks
perplexed. Charlotte popping out of Colleen's
fridge and getting a spatula in the face. Graham
strutting through the high street in his new
favourite shirt, looking pleased. Mix to:]
42. KOCHAN'S.
[Night-time, there's a few people
here...definitely enough to keep our favourite
okonomiyaki chef in business, anyway. The music
fades as we find one particular table. We hear a
familiar boisterous laugh, and we find that one
of the people here is Kunou Norm, no doubt
finding whatever he just said really funny. Also
at the table, obviously also drunk, though
probably not as much as the Narrabundah
headmaster, is a woman in her late forties,
dressed in dishevelled business-mode. She
evidently doesn't think much of young Norm.]
NORM: OK - MII will say this to YUU. A BETTO.
[The other principal - for she holds that role
at St Hebereke - looks interested at this bet.]
NORM: MII no SUKUURU can beat yours any DEI of the
UIIKU! In fact - whoever has the school who can
UIN the gymnastics FAINARU...gets to become
principal of both Narrabundah College and SEINTO
Heberekerekereke.
[He holds out his hand. The other looks
thoughtful for a moment, then remembers who she
has on her side. She smiles evilly, and they
shake. Norm holds up his glass.]
NORM: A TOOSUTO!
[But one person has heard enough already. From
the next table, Yuka Louise, for once not in her
seiraa fuku, gets up. She looks at the
principals one more time, then goes to the
counter. Colleen comes to her.]
COLLEEN: Hi! What can I get you?
YUKA: Is there a denwa around here?
[Colleen points around to the other side of the
counter.]
COLLEEN: Little booth in the back there.
YUKA: Doomo.
[She makes her way to the side of the back that
doesn't lead to the kitchen, and there is indeed
a door in the wall. She pulls it open and
Charlotte tumbles out.]
YUKA: Oh, gomen! Were you using it?
[Charlotte gets up and dusts himself off.]
CHARLOTTE: No, that's OK - I was just practicing.
COLLEEN [Off]: It would be my greatest wish if table seven
were cleared...
CHARLOTTE: Col-chan! Anata, I'm coming!
[He rushes off. Yuka shakes her head and gets
into the alcove/booth. She picks up the phone
and dials a number.]
YUKA: Moshimoshi. Yuka da ne. Is Niki there?
[Fade out.]
43. DOJO PROPER.
[Daytime, probably the next morning. Suzy
completes a move, and Euan steps back in
admiration.]
EUAN: Brilliant!
SUZY: You mean that?
EUAN: Hai! I mean, I knew you were good, Suzy-ch--san,
but...I'll admit it: I'm gobsmacked.
[Enter Ratbat-kun.]
RATBAT: Och, how's it goin', gang?
SUZY: Quite well, apparently...
[Ratbat raises and eyebrow at Euan.]
RATBAT: 'Quite well' no da?
[Euan scowls back.]
EUAN: I mean it, Sigmatome. Mitte. [To Suzy] Try it
again - that last flip you just did.
SUZY: Hai.
[She launches into a flip: as she does the
launch, though, we see that her pressing off has
dislodged the last nail in a bad floorboard. We
see Euan and Ratbat watching the flip, and then
we hear the crash as she hits the board again
and impacts badly.]
[Cut to the window to show Tim looking in. He
winces at the sound, then races off.]
44. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[Tim looking up at someone.]
LEILA: An 'unfortunate accident', you say?
[Yeah, that's who he's looking at.]
TIM: Hai, Kunou-sama.
LEILA: Unfortunate. Of course. A great tragedy.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA! You have done well, Hodjsuke-
sama.
TIM: Nani? No, sir - it really was-- [realises] Oh.
Of course. Doomo arigatoo, Kunou-sama.
[He bows. Leila beams at him and disappears. Tim
looks rather pleased with himself.]
TIM [VO]: God, I love respect! Even if I didn't earn it!
KUNOU [OOV]: TIMOTHY!!
[Tim jumps as his master is upon him.]
TIM: Eeto...Kunou-sama. Aaa...genki?
[Tries to leave. Kunou grabs his hood, stopping
him.]
KUNOU: What is this travesty I have overheard? That you
did wittingly cause harm to none other than that
goddess of womanhood, Tendo Suzy??
[Tim gulps.]
45. DR CALLUM'S OFFICE-SURGERY.
[Dr Callum is here, obviously, as are Suzy, Euan
and Ratbat. Dr Callum is bandaging Suzy's ankle,
occasionally pausing to poke a pressure-point.
Suzy, needless to say, is in pain.]
CALLUM: Training, ototo-kun? Why on Earth would you want
to train her to do this?
EUAN: I didn't train her to do that!
SUZY: No. (Ow!) It was a busted floorboard.
RATBAT: Och, I dunno, y'know. I mean, if Euan hadn't
been training her, she wouldn't have--
SUZY: Ratti?
RATBAT: Un?
[Suzy beckons him closer. He goes there.]
SUZY: Do you (Argh!) remember a joke you made, ohh...a
couple of weeks ago? (Ittai!) About 'every time
is that time'?
RATBAT: Ee...
[She does those Evil Creepy Tendo Eyes.]
SUZY: This time could be your last.
RATBAT: OK.
[Retreats to the other side of the room. Euan
pokes his tongue out at him. Ratbat pokes his
out back. Euan pulls a face. Ratbat hits him
with a bedpan and he falls over.]
CALLUM: Right, I'm finished.
RATBAT: Will she be daijobu?
CALLUM: Oh, yes...she'll be fine. I managed to use
pressure-point to null the sensation from your
sprained pelvis...but that ankle...I did what I
could, but don't even think about using that
thing for at least a week.
RATBAT & SUZY: Shuukan?
SUZY: I've got the gymnastics final tomorrow..!
DR CALLUM: I'm sorry, Suz - really. But there's nothing I
can do. Some things take time, even with
pressure-points!
[Euan gets up and leaves.]
RATBAT: We'll just have to forfeit the league.
SUZY: We can't!
RATBAT: We dinna have a choice!
SUZY: But...[winces] [To Callum] Isn't there anything
you can do? An experimental technique? Anything?
CALLUM [Gentle-firm]: I really am sorry, but no. The only
one I can possibly think of...I mean, even if I
used it on you, children would be off the list!
SUZY: That doesn't matter. I don't want children!
CALLUM: No, I meant that fighting children would be off
the list because you'd be too weak to beat them.
SUZY: Oh.
[Euan returns.]
EUAN: Suzy-san...your sister's coming.
[Ratbat and Suzy look at each other.]
SUZY & RATBAT: Shimatta!
[They try to hide under and behind each other
and the examination table, all at once. It's
terribly confusing and chaotic. The Tobokis look
kind of bewildered. The door creaks open, and
the fiances brace themselves for the worst as
the older sister walks in...]
NIKI: Nee, what are you guys doing under there?
[They sigh deeply with relief.]
NIKI: Aaaaa, deep sighs, I see... Cool, you mean I
might be going to be an auntie?
[Ratbat gets up and helps Suzy to her
feet...well, foot.]
SUZY: See this? [Points to foot] Big problem.
[Niki grins sexily.]
NIKI [Mock-sexy]: That doesn't matter, Suzy-chan... I can
just start on the toes from your other foot...
[No, it's another one of those occasions where
Suzy won't follow the mood.]
SUZY: Gym-nas-tics!
NIKI: Oh.
SUZY: I'm going to have to pull out.
NIKI: Eeto...you can't.
SUZY: That's what I already said to Ratti, but--
NIKI: No, Suzy. I mean you can't.
SUZY: Listen, if this is about some bet you've made...
NIKI: It's a bet all right, but not one I made.
SUZY: ?
NIKI: Louise overheard Kunou-kouchou and the principal
from St Hebereke in Kochan's last night. And
Norm made a bet with her. If we lose the final,
Narrabundah College becomes a part of St
Hebereke.
CALLUM: What? Is that even legal?
NIKI: Probably not.
SUZY [Nodding]: But then, Narrabundah College isn't exactly
Typical Japanese School 1995.
RATBAT: It could happen.
[There is a big sullen pause. Then Suzy suddenly
snaps her fingers.]
SUZY: Yatta! We'll just have to get someone else to go
in the contest!
NIKI: Haaaiiii...but who? You can't do it...the
original team would rather anything than facing
onna-Kunou again.
RATBAT: You!
NIKI: No way. Not in my condition.
RATBAT: Nan? What condition's that?
NIKI: I'm lazy. Besides, I'm not a martial-artist. No,
what we need is...well, a girl, obviously, for
starters...someone who can do martial arts...and
is a really quick learner at it!
[Niki and Suzy look across at each other, then
over at Ratbat.]
NIKI: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SUZY: I think so...
[Euan realises and slaps his forehead.]
EUAN: Of course! Why didn't I see it?
[He motions to the lab skeleton.]
EUAN: Oniisan, is Hoppy-chan a boy skeleton or a girl
skeleton?
[Everyone collapses.]
RATBAT: They mean me, yer git!
[You can almost hear it slowly dawning on Euan.]
EUAN: Ohhhhhh...
[Ratbat-kun goes to the sink and becomes Ratbat-
chan.]
RATBAT: C'mon, Euie-kun...we'd better get back to the
dojo - we've got an all-nighter to pull!
[She bustles Euan out the door. The sisters
shortly follow, lagging behind with Suzy's
ankle.]
46. OUTSIDE DR CALLUM'S SURGERY.
[We see our heroes exit.]
NIKI [VO]: Y'see, Suz, much as you might hate to admit it,
Batti-chan's actually a quicker learner. She
kind of got used to it over all those years with
her--
SUZY [VO]: I get the picture. [Sulk] Nerf. She might be
quicker, but she's still not better than me...
NIKI [VO - mock-sexy]: But, Suzy...sometimes going slower can
be better...
SUZY [VO]: [giggle]
[On the trees on the far side of the road. Kunou
steps out from behind one.]
KUNOU: So...my red-haired Helen is with the Toboki
boy... On an ordinary day, I might strike the
blackguard down for intending to soil the
maiden's honour once more. But Timothy hath told
me that Toboki was responsible for the training
of Tendo Suzy. Thus, while I might later reckon
with that misdirectional cur, for now he does me
an advantage - the bat-featured Venus is to
enter the contest and become a weapon that will
take my sister completely by surprise!
[Laughs inanely, then strikes a pose aiming his
rubber sword at the sky. Thunder cracks.]
KUNOU: Let none stand in the way of the Blue Thunder
and his esteemed college!
[His face, but not his pose, falters when Leila
comes up beside him and taps him on the nose
with her wand.]
LEILA: You know, Oniisama, that was probably the
smartest connection you ever made. [Beat] Except
for the part about screaming your head off when
you're supposed to be keeping a secret.
[Kunou de-poses. Looks blank.]
KUNOU: The elements are my confidants.
[Leila slaps him around the head. Dissolve.]
47. CAR PARK.
[This place is basically empty except for Suzy
and one car. Suzy is wearing an evening dress.
Very nice. Black number, fancy jewellery, nice
hair. She is walking up to the car when its back
door opens. A deep, male voice speaks from
within.]
VOICE: Why, there you are, Suzy...
[We start to pan up the guy, intercutting with
shots of Suzy as she speaks. Here we see he has
nice shoes. Shiny. Obviously wearing nice
trousers, too.]
SUZY [Schoolgirl-crush sexy]: I was beginning to think I'd
never find you.
[Nice trousers around well-formed legs. Going up
to his midsection, we can see that he is...well-
constructed. We see the start of a silk shirt.]
VOICE: Oh, come...I've been waiting all night...just
for you.
[Suzy leans into the car and over the figure.
Silk shirt...lovely tie, not some clip-on job.
Nice, fine shoulders.]
SUZY: Then you really...know. I mean, how I've felt
about you all this time?
[And we see his face. It is Convoy. Also known
to us as...Optimus Prime.]
CONVOY: Yes. Yes I know.
[They lean forward, about to kiss when...]
NEW VOICE: Poh'pou!
[Suzy scowls. She tries to lean back into the
kiss with the mighty warrior, but...]
NEW VOICE: Poh'pou! Poh'pou!
[She grumbles and eases back out of the car.
Mokona, of Magic Knight Rayearth fame.]
SUZY: Oh, what do you want?
MOKONA: Poh'pou! Poh'pi!
SUZY: Nani yo?
[She reluctantly gets out of the car and faces
the white...rabbit-thing.]
MOKONA: Poh'pi! Pou-pi!
SUZY: Chotto matte...are you trying to say...?
[Mokona's voice becomes familiar.]
MOKONA: Pou-pzi! Poupzi... Suzy...
[Cut to:]
48. DOJO PROPER.
[Suzy is rousing from being asleep in one corner
by Fiona gently shaking her. It was her voice
that was Mokona's.]
FIONA: Suzy...Suzy-chan...
SUZY: Ee...ee...I'm awake.
[She groggily sits up.]
SUZY: [Yawn] Nanji?
FIONA: Eight o'clock.
[She helps Suzy to stand. We now see that Euan
and Ratbat are in the centre of the room.
They've obviously been up all night: Euan (in
his training outfit) has gone pale and Ratbat
(in a strained NC leotard) has gone yellow.]
SUZY: Masaka...have you guys really been at it all
night?
FIONA: You fell asleep watching them at about midnight.
EUAN [Spaced]: Guess we're that boring, huh?
RATBAT [Spaced]: It worked, though. I'm now a fully-
trained...gymnastic...martial...[big pause]
thingy.
[Takes a step back in pride. We see her feet.
She steps on that same board Suzy did
yesterday...]
[...and again we don't see the accident, just
hear it while we watch others' react. Mix to:]
49. LIVING ROOM.
[Len and Bobbi have been interrupted from their
game of shogi and their scotches. Ratbat [now
also with bandaged foot] is curled up asleep in
one corner, and Euan is conked out against a
wall. Niki sits by and watches while Suzy is
giving the parents a grilling.]
SUZY: Now, shall we go over it one more time? After I
hurt myself yesterday, we came back to hear you
say you'd fixed the floor in the dojo.
BOBBI: Ee...
SUZY: Now, how can I put this? I know sending out for
an actual carpenter might have been a bit
much...proper repairs - proper structural
repairs that you do to floors that people have
to jump about on - proper repairs...are not done
with blu-tac!
LEN: What? Bullshit!
[Suddenly leaps through the French window. We
hear a splash, then he returns as a panda,
holding up a sign.]
[Panda sign: Besides, pandas can't do household
repairs! Everyone knows that!]
[Suzy experimentally mimes holding tools in
panda paws.]
SUZY: Of course they can!
[Len whirls the sign around for a new result:
Bugger.]
[Suddenly he looks alarmed and points behind
Suzy. Curious, Suzy looks. Nothing. She looks
back, and Bobbi and Len have run for dear life.]
SUZY: Okubyomono.
NIKI: For pissbolting when you're angry? That doesn't
make them cowards, it makes them master
strategists.
SUZY: Great! Ja, now Narrabundah's definitely going to
lose!
NIKI: We'll become just like St Hebereke.
SUZY: Strict rules...
NIKI [Shudders]: School pride...
SUZY: Uniforms.
[They look at each other, and realise.]
NIKI: Uniforms?
SUZY: OK, so that whole modesty thing won't be too
bad...
NIKI: Gah! There's got to be a way around this! [Beat]
There's something...it's just on the tip of my
brain. If only I could make some random,
illogical connection to put it all together...!
[Enter Fiona.]
FIONA: Oh, Niki-chan? I bought that chocolate ramen,
just like you wanted.
[Niki leaps to her feet, snapping her fingers.]
NIKI: That's it!!
50. KOCHAN'S.
[Empty.]
EUAN [VO]: Watashi?
RATBAT [VO]: I dinna know if ye've noticed this, Niki-chan,
but...he's a boy.
SUZY [VO]: Dame! Matte-yo! Remember that date we went on?
When you'd only just got here?
[The phone behind the counter starts to ring.]
RATBAT [VO]: And we dressed my otoko half as... och, I see...
SUZY [VO]: It could work.
NIKI [VO]: It's all we've got.
EUAN [VO]: Chotto matte...don't I get a say in this?
NIKI & RATBAT [VO]: No.
NIKI [VO]: This'll have to be convincing, though. We might
need some help...
[Colleen comes in and answers the phone.]
COLLEEN: Moshimoshi. Kochan's ya. Colleen ya.
RATBAT [Distort]: Kochan's. It's Ratbat. Thank Glenda ye
haveno left for school yet.
COLLEEN: Dooshite? Nan ya yo, Ratchan?
RATBAT [Distort]: Is Charlotte with you?
COLLEEN: Chotto matte.
[She gets off the phone, and opens one of the
cupboards.]
COLLEEN: Shimatta.
[Goes to another cupboard. Charlotte ain't in
there, neither. Nor in any of the others. Nor in
the payphone alcove. Pretty soon Colleen's
getting frantic, looking in all the cupboards,
traps and cubbyholes. Charlotte walks in from
the back room and sees this. Shaking his head,
he picks up the discarded receiver.]
CHARLOTTE: Han...moshimoshi?
RATBAT [Distort]: Charlotte-kun?
CHARLOTTE: Hai?
[Dissolve.]
51. DOJO PROPER.
[Colleen, Suzy, Ratbat-chan, Niki and Charlotte
are gathered around Euan. They look over as
Fiona enters, carrying the familiar black and
yellow leotard.]
FIONA: I managed to borrow this leotard. We're lucky
that Taisoko-chan is a big girl.
[She hands it to Niki and leaves.]
RATBAT: Ja, that's that much done.
NIKI: Charlotte? Do you think you can do anything with
him?
CHARLOTTE [Looking Euan over]: I don't understand: Why have
you asked me? What makes you think I know
anything about making boys look like girls?
[The others all exchange glances with each
other.]
COLLEEN, RATBAT, SUZY, NIKI:Aaaaa...
COLLEEN: Because you did so well in the theatre!
CHARLOTTE: Oh, of course! The play, back at our old school!
COLLEEN [Relieved]: Remember, you did so well at making
the boys look like girls! We certainly needed it
in an all-boys school.
CHARLOTTE: Yes! Yes, I remember now!
[Does a gleeful little spin and turns to
Colleen.]
CHARLOTTE: And if I do it, will you go out with me?
COLLEEN: Ja...if you do it, I won't turn you into special
sauce.
SUZY [VO]: Mental note: If Charlotte turns this down, go
back to eating at McDonald's for the foreseeable
future...
CHARLOTTE [Thrilled]: Oh! To not be brutally killed by Col-
chan! What a pleasure that would be. I need to
get some things - I'll be back!
[Runs from the room. Suzy turns to Colleen.]
SUZY: Nicely done. But are you sure? I mean, over in
theatre, the cross-dressing never has to be very
convincing.
COLLEEN: Ja, normally I'd agree, but seeing that he
managed to so well on that show, I'd say he'd
have to be something pretty special.
SUZY: Oh? Why's that?
COLLEEN: It was a production of Hair.
[Dissolve.]
52. GYM.
[The place is now set up quite differently.
There is a large ring in the centre, akin to a
boxing ring. All around the bleachers are set
up, and are gradually filling with people.
Amongst them are Tim and Kunou:]
TIM: Sir...didn't you say you were going to boycott
all of these things? Because the gymnasts were
damned to Hell for not letting you be president
of their club?
KUNOU: Ah, but we have reached a compromise, Timothy.
They have allowed me to be a member.
TIM: Oh?
KUNOU: Yes. They said I must be...undercover. I have a
full membership, but I mustn't show my face at
any of the meetings, interact with any other
members of the club, or tell anyone about it.
TIM: I see...
[Find Leila, waiting below her corner of the
ring. She wears a the St Hebereke leotard and
black-rose earrings.]
LEILA [VO]: Hmm...that red-haired harlot hasn't even shown
yet. Maybe I won't need to humiliate her after
all...at least not today. And to think. I was
all ready for her...
LEILA: AHAHAHAHAHA!
[Twirls with her ribbon. Chemical fumes are
coming off it, and dissolves small parts of the
post it brushes against. It brushes by a nearby
Gosunkugi, who passes out as he catches a whiff
of it.]
[On Hiroshi and Daisuke in the bleachers.]
HIROSHI: It's all very exciting, isn't it?
DAISUKE: Yes. Have you heard?
HIROSHI: Heard what?
DAISUKE: About the principals' bet?
HIROSHI: Yes. You do realise that means if we lose, it'll
be new uniforms again?
DAISUKE: Yes, I'd thought of that.
HIROSHI: Such a shame. I was just getting used to these
ones. I happen to think this looks rather
fetching on me.
DAISUKE: Yes, I think so too.
HIROSHI: You think it looks fetching on me?
DAISUKE: No, I think mine does on me.
HIROSHI: Soodesuka. I mean, it does, of course.
DAISUKE: As yours does on you.
HIROSHI: Thank you.
DAISUKE: And thank you.
[Now, standing on the edge of the ring: Our
favourite grand master, wearing that Hawaiian
shirt that will be with him from now on. He is
eyeing the front row of Narrabundah girls, all
in their grass-skirt uniforms.]
GRAHAM [VO]: Hmmm...
[He points in front of them.]
GRAHAM: Look out! A mouse!
[The girls all squeal and lift their feet up to
avoid the rodent threat. As they are all lifted
up, Graham leaps onto a skateboard and rolls
down along the front, checking out the view as
he goes.]
GRAHAM: Truly amazing!
[As he reaches the end of the row, his
skateboard is stopped by a foot, also from a
'school uniform'. He looks up to see that that
foot's owner is none other than Kuonji Colleen.]
GRAHAM: Colleen-chan! Come to Uncle Gra-Gra! Do you like
my shirt?
[Colleen sighs, then pushes the front of the
skateboard down, flipping Graham up. As he's
there, she pulls out her massive spatula, and
swings for him.]
53. QUAD.
[A top window on the gym smashes open, and
Graham flies out, doing the oyakusoku pozu.]
54. GYM.
[On Euan, Ratbat-kun, Suzy and Niki, the latter
three in their uniforms, the first in the
leotard. He doesn't pass too badly, especially
if you didn't know him to start with. He still
has the hat. Ratbat looks at it.]
RATBAT: Can we no lose this?
NIKI: Ah, it's got black and yellow on it. It's in
colour-code.
RATBAT: That's what I love about this school: such tight
regulations.
[Suzy grabs one of Euan's added-on breasts and
scowls.]
SUZY: Using the rice again...isn't it a bit...well,
hard for a contact sport?
[Ratbat shrugs. Behind him, Euan tests his nose
for blood.]
RATBAT: Aye, but it seems to get the weight right.
SUZY: True...and I suppose the Yellow Rose of Texas
[or whatever] won't be after groping her
opponent.
NIKI: But isn't that part of it? Didn't you do that
when we were playing at it?
SUZY: Niki, we've never done any gymnastic martial
arts together.
[Niki looks pained and embarrassed.]
NIKI: Ohhhhh...I must have got mixed up with one of
those dreams again...
[Slaps herself in the face with the rulebook.]
SUZY: Come on, Euan-kun...better get up there...
[On Charlotte and Sayuri.]
SAYURI: What are they doing? No-one's going to believe
that! Boys just can't look like girls!
CHARLOTTE: Yeah, no way!
[In the ring, Euan is getting into his corner as
Ruthie-sensei comes up to it with a microphone
in her hand.]
RUTHIE: Hmmm...you're a new girl, right?
EUAN: Hai, soodesunewa.
[Ruthie gets out a bit of paper and a pen.]
RUTHIE: I need your name so I can announce it...
EUAN: Aa... Boku. Han, watashi wa Toboki..aa...Yuiko
desu...wa.
RUTHIE: Yuiko! Cool! How do you spell it?
EUAN: Eeto...with a 'ko'.
[Ruthie looks puzzled at him and bounces off.
Shortly she taps on the microphone, but fails to
get silence.]
RUTHIE [PA]: Excuse me!!
[Doesn't work.]
RUTHIE [PA]: Hey!!
[She fishes in her pocket, and whips out a five-
yen piece. She holds it between her fingers.]
RUTHIE [PA]: Happo...
[There is instant silence from the crowd. The
bubbly little girl gets right to it.]
RUTHIE [PA]: Hi, everybodeee! And this here is the final of
the inter-school martial-arts gymnastic league
for 1995! Now, both schools have brought new
girls in for this final one! Over for
Narrabundah College...Toboki Yuiko!
[Euan looks slightly embarrassed. There is some
clapping and cheering. However, comments are
still audible, such as 'Who's she?' 'I thought
Tendo Suzy was doing this.' 'Do you think she's
called "Rei" because she flies the 00 unit?'
etc.]
RUTHIE [PA, nonchalant]: ...and that's the bad lady from
the other school over there.
[Leila's ire is raised.]
LEILA: Nani?? How dare you, shrimp?? You shall give me
a full introduction, as I deserve!
RUTHIE [PA]: No way!! You're mean!
[Leila gets really cross and is obviously about
to do something to Ruthie.]i
LEILA: Grrrr...
[Ruthie whirls around to her, whipping out her
coin once more and drawing the circle in the
air.]
RUTHIE: Happo go-en satsu!
[And there's a lot of light around - but Leila
somehow manages to whip her ribbon against the
chi-storm and send the 'blast' back where it
came from. Ruthie looks all battered and
exhausted, steam coming off her - much like one
of her own victims.]
RUTHIE: Ooooohh...so that's what it feels like.
[She falls over. After a moment, she manages to
get back to her feet.]
RUTHIE [Pain, PA]:Ooohoh. Now...wemember the rules...first
one to get the other out of the ring
loses...and...uh...[pats her pockets a
bit]...that's right...someone stole my book of
wules...any...oh, just don't cheat. I've gotta
go lie down...
[Makes her way out of the ring, and collapses on
the ground on the other side. Sam sounds a bell
to start the match, then starts helping Ruthie-
sensei up.]
[In the ring, Leila and Euan start circling,
facing each other off.]
[On Niki, Suzy and Ratbat watching.]
NIKI: See? We're a shoo-in. I mean, if Euan can train
you two to near-perfection...he must be able to
take this bitch!
RATBAT: Aye...that may be...but I'm kinda reminded of an
old expression.
NIKI: Which one?
[We hear a lot of violent noises, and an
extremely-battered looking Euan, leotard torn
and rice-pouches burst, is thrown onto the floor
outside the ring.]
SUZY: 'Those who can't do, teach.'
[Leila stands in the centre of the ring, looking
triumphant.]
LEILA: The winner...me! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
[Everyone looks stunned, with the exception down
near the prone Euan: Chris and Noomy are there.
Noomy is happily gathering up the spilled rice,
counting it off grain by grain.]
NOOMY: Henriette! Madeline! Michel! Babette! Celine!
CHRIS: [Groan] I hate my life...
[Dissolve.]
55. ADMIN CORRIDOR.
[Leila, still in her gymnastics gear, is happily
bouncing through Narrabundah College's A block,
a depressed-looking Norm and a pleased-looking
St Hebereke principal in tow. The few students
we see look sullen.]
LEILA: Now, Otoosama? I think that that noticeboard
there should be taken down and replaced with a
shrine to the new class president of both
schools...me! AHAHAHAHA!
NORM: YASU, RAIRA.
LEILA: Come, otoosama - don't take it personally. It's
just I'm sure your new boss will be so grateful
to me for getting her all these new students!
AHAHAHAHA!
NIKI [OOV]: Maybe not.
[All three turn to see Niki behind them, flanked
by Suzy and Ratbat-kun.]
LEILA: Oh, are you still here?
[They march towards them.]
NIKI: Hai. And if I were you, I'd leave, because
you're trespassing.
LEILA: Oh? And how do you work that out?
SUZY: Because your victory in there didn't count.
LEILA: Nani? What are you talking about?
[Niki shows them the rulebook that she reads
from.]
NIKI [Reads]:While not necessary for heats, in the final of
the inter-school gymnastics league, all
competitors must dress within the sartorial
regulations of the schools they represent.
RATBAT: And we just got an anonymous li'l note that says
that these...
[Leans forward and plucks free one of Leila's
black rose earrings.]
RATBAT: ...are no regulation for your school.
NIKI [Grinning]: Sheer pettiness triumphs again.
[Leila looks shocked. She appeals to her
principal, who just shakes her head sadly. Leila
looks to Ratbat.]
LEILA: But Ratbat-sama! How can you do this to me??
[Starts to cry - or at least tries to] After all
we've been through... you can't tell me that
means nothing to you?
[Leans forward and starts wetting Ratbat's
shoulder with tears.]
RATBAT: I...that is...it's...
[She straightens up and looks at him.]
RATBAT: I mean, I do have feelings for ye...
[Leila looks hopeful. Suzy starts to glower.]
LEILA: Oh, Ratbat-sama!
RATBAT: Yeah, I hate you.
[Suzy smiles, but tries to let no-one see it.
Leila steps back. She sniffs, then realises
something.]
LEILA: But what about this: I happen to know that your
challenger in the competition isn't a girl...and
for that matter isn't even a student of this
school!
[Niki shrugs.]
NIKI: So? The whole bet's invalid, then. But we still
win the cup.
LEILA: Dooshite?
SUZY: Sayuri nicked the trophy while no-one was
looking and hid it away where you guys can't get
it.
LEILA: Poo.
[Norm finally puts it all together and beams. He
turns to the two Hebereke-jin.]
NORM: Both of YUU, now - GETTO AUTTO of my SUKUURU!
[The other principal growls to herself and
leaves. Leila casts another tearful look at
Ratbat.]
LEILA: Goodbye...Ratbat-sama...
[Exit Leila, dejected. Everyone ignores her.]
NORM: SOU, is it TORUU? I'm the PURINSHIPARU of the
school again?
[Suzy smiles and nods.]
SUZY: You certainly are!
NORM: In that KEESU, keiki...YUU are out of uniform!
[Produces a pair of clippers and is about to
snip through Jean-Luc. Niki and Ratbat's eyes go
wide and they leap back. In an instant, and with
a large crash, Suzy has Norm pinned against the
wall. Not bad for a girl with only one working
foot.]
SUZY: OK, I've had just about enough of this! I don't
care if you are the principal, or of how many
schools! You are not going to cut my collar!
NORM [Pain]: OK! OK! Uncle! UNCLE!!
SUZY: In fact, while I've got you down here...I think
it might be time for you to call a stop to all
this uniform business. And, might I suggest that
you just let everything here go back to the way
it was before you arrived!
NORM: Oh? You're just a student! MII am the principal!
What are YUU going to do??
[Suzy pulls something from his grasp. She shows
the clippers to him.]
SUZY: I could make sure that Jarrah and Leila don't
get any more 'bruddas' or 'sistas'!
[Niki leans in to him.]
NIKI: Hmmm...you just tried to cut her collar. It
might seem like she's overacting, but...[nods]
I'd still do it if I were you.
NORM: OKEI! OKEI! I'm repealing my RUURUZU about
YUUNIFORUNZU!
SUZY: And...?
NORM: And MII won't cut your KORAA!
SUZY: [Smiles] Very good.
[She gets off him.]
56. BEFORE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE.
[Leila stops in her walking away.]
LEILA: No...! What can I be thinking! Ratbat-sama could
never hate me! It must be those women...Tendo
Suzy, and the redhead...they're making him say
such things! Ja, I might not be able to find the
bat woman, but I know where Tendo is! AHAHAHAHA!
[Whirls around and starts back toward the
college.]
57. ADMIN CORRIDOR.
[We open on one girls' and one boys' ex-school
uniform lying on the ground. Cut to show Suzy
(who still has her uniform) talking to Ratbat,
who is now in his 'normal' clothes.]
SUZY: Ja, that was a little success.
RATBAT: ...and a half.
SUZY: I still refuse to believe that you had your
other clothes on under your uniform the whole
time.
[Ratbat shrugs.]
SUZY [To another]:And I refuse to believe you forgot that you
hadn't.
[She's actually talking to Niki, who is now
standing there in her underwear.]
NIKI: Ah, if I ever keep this up for a whole week
Louise owes me five grand.
SUZY: Actually...does anyone think this mightn't have
been a bit too easy. Did the kouchou really just
go away...?
RATBAT: Och, I-- Oh.
[They turn to see Norm at one of the corridor,
beaming menacingly at them. He starts to run
towards them.]
NIKI: Ah.
[And from the other direction, Niki has seen
Leila running up, roses in hand.]
NORM: Demerit point!
LEILA: Kunobara furikakeru!
[They all prepare for the worst, and duck...]
RUTHIE [OOV]:Happo go-en satsu!
[There is the build-up and flash of light. Our
heroes cautiously get to their feet, Niki
helping the injured other two. Norm and Leila
are lying there prone, their aggressive energy
sucked out. The sexy babe Ruth comes up from
behind Leila, poking her coin down her
cleavage.]
RATBAT: Sensei?
RUTH: I've been waiting to do that for ages...
NIKI: You sucked the chi out of your own boss? That
can't be a good idea.
RUTH: Oh, I'm taking my holiday leave now. Knowing
him, he'll have a new fixation entirely by the
time I return.
[Slinks off.]
SUZY: Ee, come on. Let's get out of here.
[They make for the exit.]
SUZY: Niki-chan, are you sure you're not going to go
put your uniform back on?
58. BEFORE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE.
[The three emerge, and start their journey away
- we eventually watch them disappear down the
road to (or in this case, from) school.]
NIKI: [Shrug] Hey, this way they don't make me pay at
the kissaten.
RATBAT: Och, ye've tried it before, then?
SUZY: Oh, yeah. She has.
NIKI: A good thing, too, seeing I haven't got anywhere
on this to carry money.
RATBAT: Och, I'm sure you'd find somewhere...
NIKI: Hey!
SUZY: Ja, all that cleavage has to be good for
something.
RATBAT: I think she must have got that from her mother.
SUZY: But Okaasan's hardly got any!
RATBAT: Aye, 'cos Niki took it all.
[Ratbat and Suzy laugh.]
[They're all but out of view now.]
NIKI [VO, sulk]: Those jokes are only funny when I do them.
SUZY [VO]: We beg to differ...
NIKI [VO]: Actually, guys, you know something?
RATBAT [VO, off]: Un?
NIKI [VO, off]: We never found out who left that little
note in my locker about the St Hebereke
uniforms...
SUZY [VO, fade]: No, we didn't...
[Mix to:]
59. WIND TUNNEL.
[Tim is here, leaning against a locker, tossing
something over and over in his hands. Enter
Kunou.]
KUNOU: Ah, Timothy. There you are. We would take our
leave of this place now. For the moment it still
holds...the stench of my sister. What is that?
[He refers to Tim's fidget-thing. He stops it.
It's a booklet.]
TIM: Oh, nothing, sir. Just doing some reading while
I waited for you to finish.
KUNOU: And I have done so. Let us go.
[As they leave, Tim chucks the booklet in a bin.
Pan/zoom to a CU on the booklet in the bin. The
cover reads 'St Hebereke's Exclusive School for
Girls - Dress Code Manual'.]
[Fade to black, then go to...]
END CREDITS.
[Over which is played, with appropriate
background images, The Narrabundah Lambada!
(Lyrics follow)]
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Kunou Leila
LEILA FETTER
Kunou Jarrah
JARRAH JOB
Kunou Norm
NORM HUGHES
Toboki Euan
EUAN BOWEN
Kuonji Colleen
COLLEEN HICK
Hodjsuke Timothy
TIM HODGE
Sigmatome Len
LEN BOWEN
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Tendo Fiona
FIONA McCULLOCH
Sayuri Kim
KIM McCLELLAND
Daisuke Will
WILLY JACKSON
Hiroshi Petra
CLEOPETRA ELLIOTT
Kurenai Charlotte
CHARLOTTE SAROSSY
Toboki Callum
CALLUM BOWEN
Gosunkugi Sam
SAM SMITH
Ruthie-sensei
RUTH CRABB
Happousai Graham
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Yuka Louise
LOUISE DOUGLAS-MAJOR
Shiratori Noomy
NOOMY SCHWINGHAMER
Sanzenin Chris
CHRIS SIMPSON
Rumiko
JOAN CHEN
Optimus 'Convoy' Prime
PETER CULLEN
written by
URAC SIGMA
additional material
LEILA FETTER
SUZY STYLES
Narrabundah 1/2 series created by
URAC SIGMA
and
SUZY STYLES
apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
(amongst others)
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/bundahalf.html
The mental stability in this film is entirely fictitious. Any
resemblance to actual human behaviour, living or dead, is
entirely coincidental.
The Dolby symbol is a licensed trademark to be used with
permission. It never turned up in this film, but we thought
you might like to know that.
60. SAYURI LIVING ROOM.
[Fade in. Sayuri struggles to do so, but manages
to heave a giant trophy-type cup onto a side-
table. Satisfied, she leaves it there, and goes
out of the room.]
[A moment later, a familiar head pokes out the
top of the cup.]
CHARLOTTE: Ano...hello?
� Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVII
Narrabundah 1/2 Movie I ending theme song
THE NARRABUNDAH LAMBADA
(To the tune of Lambada Ranma)
Singers/Performers: Suzy Styles, Urac Sigma, Len Bowen,
Niki O'brien, Ruth Crabb, Robyn Scholes, Jarrah Job,
Fiona McCulloch, Leila Fetter, Colleen Hick, Sam Smith,
Callum Bowen, Len Bowen, Matt McCarron-Benson, Tim Hodge,
Euan Bowen, Willy Jackson, Cleopetra Elliott, Nicole
Wylie, Louise Douglas-Major, Chris Simpson, Noomy
Schwinghamer, Charlotte Sarossy, Graham Henstock, Kim
McClelland and Yamadera Kouichi
Lyricist: Urac Sigma and Ranma-teki Kagekidan Bungeibu
Composer/Arranger: Kawai Kenji
Translation: Theresa Martin and Urac Sigma
SUZY: Uchi no Tendo-u dojo
CHORUS: isourou
SUZY: Ratbat tsura~i shugyou no
CHORUS: Jusenkyou
LEN: Masani higeki!
RATBAT: Mizu o kaburu to
onna ni natchau nante hen na taishitsu!
CHORUS: Suzy-kun no iinazuke!
In our home, the Tendo dojo, our lodger,
Ratbat, who had harsh training, at Jusenkyou.
Quite a tragedy! When I pour water on myself,
I become a girl - what a strange constitution!
Suzy-kun's fiance!
CHORUS: Suzy...
SUZY: Nerf. Minasan no baka!
CHORUS: Ratbat...
RATBAT: Amari takusan no kosai no aite! Watashi wa onna
dake!
CHORUS: Niki...
NIKI: Ne, Suzy-chan, daremo mienai.
RUTHIE: Hikoshonen!
CHORUS: Ruthie!
Suzy...
Nerf. Everyone's stupid!
Ratbat...
Too much partners! I'm only a girl!
Niki...
Eh, Suzy-chan, no-one can see.
Delinquents!
Ruthie!
CHORUS: Bobbi...
BOBBI: Han...watashi wa chisai da...
CHORUS: Kunou...
KUNOU: Hito yonde, Narrabundah College no Aoi Ikazuchi!
CHORUS: Fiona...
FIONA: Ara, minasan, asagohan no toki desuyo...!
LEILA: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
CHORUS: Leila!
Bobbi...
Um...I'm little...
Kunou...
I'm the one called the Blue Thunder of Narrabundah College!
Fiona...
Oh, everybody, it's time for breakfast...!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Leila!
CHORUS: Colleen...
COLLEEN: Ratchan? Uchi no okonomiyaki ga sukideshooka?
CHORUS: Gosunkugi...
GOSUNKUGI: Aa...dekimasen-ne.
CHORUS: Callum...
CALLUM: Boku no yubisaki wa mondai o kaiketsu shimasu.
LEN: Mraraarhh - mrowf!
CHORUS: Len!
Colleen...
Ratchan? You like my okonomiyaki, don't you?
Gosunkugi...
Ah...I can't do it.
Callum...
My fingertips solve problems.
Mraraarhh - mrowf!
Len!
SUZY: Uchi no Tendo-u dojo
CHORUS: isourou
SUZY: Ratbat tsura~i shugyou no
CHORUS: Jusenkyou
LEN: Masani higeki!
RATBAT: Mizu o kaburu to
onna ni natchau - nante hen na taishitsu!
CHORUS: Suzy-kun no iinazuke!
In our home, the Tendo dojo, our lodger,
Ratbat, who had harsh training, at Jusenkyou.
Quite a tragedy! When I pour water on myself,
I become a girl - what a strange constitution!
Suzy-kun's fiance!
MATT: Matey-- aa, okyakusama, koko yo. Densetsu no
shugyoujou Jusenkyou. Matey, monosuki ne!
Taihen kiken na no de, mou dare mo tsukatenai no
yo, kono shugyoujou. Aa, mate-sama, nani suru
ne! Zumi ni chitara taihen yo. Aa, kuso!
Bianfudenyannichuan ni ochite-shimatta.
Bianfudenyannichuan wa sen-go-hyaku-nen ae wakai
komori no musume ga oboreta to iu, higekiteki
densetsu ga aru no da yo! Irai soko de oboreta
mono, ina...wakai komori no onna no sugata ni
nate-shimau noroiteki izumi! Hora miro, beppin
ni nate-shimata. Warui janai.
Matey-- er, honourable guest, here! Legendary
training grounds, Jusenkyou. Matey, you're
crazy! It's so dangerous, no-one uses these
grounds! Ah, honorable mate, what are you
doing?! If you fall in, something terrible
will happen. Ah, shit! You fell in
Bianfudenyannichuan. In Bianfudenyannichuan
1500 years ago, a young chiropteran girl
drowned, that is its tragic legend! Ever
since, anyone who drowns there...that cursed
spring transforms into a chiropteran female!
See, you turned into a chick. Not bad.
CHORUS: Tim...
TIM: Kunou-sama...aa, hotte oki nasai.
CHORUS: Euan...
EUAN: Koko wa Nihon desuka?
CHORUS: Norm..
NORM: ALOHA! IZZU EBBERIBOJII HAPPII?
DAISUKE: Hen desu.
HIROSHI: Hai, hen desuyo.
CHORUS: Daisuke, Hiroshi!
Tim...
Kunou-sama...aa, never mind.
Euan...
Is this Japan?
Norm...
Aloha! [Is everybody happy?]
That's odd.
Yes, that is odd.
Daisuke, Hiroshi!
CHORUS: Nicole...
NICOLE: Watashi no musuko to otto wa...
CHORUS: Yuka...
YUKA: Niki-san. Mondai.
CHORUS: Chris...
CHRIS: Kore wa hazukashii da yo.
NOOMY: Marie-Claire! Waaaiiii!!
CHORUS: Noomy!
Nicole...
About my son and husband...
Yuka...
Niki-san. Problem.
Chris...
This is embarrassing.
Marie-Claire! Wheeeee!
Noomy!
CHORUS: Charlotte...
CHARLOTTE: Boku to deto o sureba, anata ni iu.
CHORUS: Sayuri...
SAYURI: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa...un.
CHORUS: Graham...
GRAHAM: Ginesu to onna...ureshii.
RYOUGA: Suman. Watashi wa ichi ni mayotta.
CHORUS: Ryouga!
Charlotte...
If you date me, I'll tell you.
Sayuri...
Aaaaahhhhhh...hm.
Graham...
Guinness and women...I'm happy.
Sorry. I'm lost.
Ryouga!
NIKI: Dakedo Suzuran...warau to kawaii yo...[hihi]
However, Suzuran, when you laugh, you're cute...[giggle]
SUZY: Uchi no Tendo-u dojo
CHORUS: isourou
SUZY: Ratbat tsurai shugyou no
CHORUS: Jusenkyou
LEN: Masani higeki!
RATBAT: Mizu o kaburu to
onna ni natchau nante hen na taishitsu!
CHORUS: Suzy-kun no iinazuke!
EUAN: Eeto, ano onna, nani o shimasuka?
CHORUS: Suzy-kun no iinazuke!
RATBAT: Och, atarashikunai.
CHORUS: Suzy-kun no iinazuke!
In our home, the Tendo dojo, our lodger,
Ratbat, who had harsh training, at Jusenkyou.
Quite a tragedy! When I pour water on myself,
I become a girl - what a strange constitution!
Suzy-kun's fiance!
Those girls, what are they doing?
Suzy-kun's fiance!
Och, nothing new.
Suzy-kun's fiance!
[Fade out Suzy and Niki's playful giggles.]
AUTHOR'S NOTES
At last.
It's here.
Yes, just as we've been promising for endless months, here is
the fancy-Dan, finally-written, full length Narrabundah 1/2 -
The Movie script.
A brief alert: the events in this take place after Volume II
and Lemon Extra One, but before Volume III. So, if you've read
up to Volume II, but haven't come across Volume III yet -
don't worry, you're going in just the right order. And if you
have read what there is of Volume III so far, then now you've
caught right up...
Ja nee,
Urac Sigma
Canberra, November 1997
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
| 'I often think that, if I paid more attention, I'd lead a much |
| more comfortable life.' - Benny Summerfield |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma, the Green Flame ratbat@rocketmail.com |
| To the Ratcave! http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778 |
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