On 11/12/97 9:29 AM, Christopher J Angel at cja124@mail.USask.Ca wrote:

[Warhammer returns from the light.]

<And Lurker and Hikaru return from the lavender mist.>

[Chris and the Goddesses pop out of 1) Nowhere, 2) A convenient TV, 3) A
mirror, and 4) A puddle]

Skuld: We have now sunk to a new low.
Urd: 'Niichan, MSTing an MST?

Lyra: Could be worse. <Grins wickedly>

	Touji winced and realized that he never should have asked that.

What 

neither boy knew was that Rei Ayanami was not staring outside the

window 

like always. Instead, her attention was focused on the younger

Ikari. 

Her eyes shifted to the doorway when Asuka stepped through. 

Lurker: <Rei voice> Oh Shinji. Oh Asuka. I cannot choose. I must have
them both.

Lyra: Ack. I'm not sure I even want to know where *that* came from.

Chris: HEY! That's....that's....I don't even WANT to go into that one.
Skuld: [Chris voice pretending ot be a Kuno voice] Rachel, Ami, I cannot
choose, I would have you BOTH!
Chris: It's NOT MY FAULT!

Kei: <Leaning in from stage left> Doesn't work that way. Trust us, we know.

Yuri nods, leaning in just above Kei.

	"Baka Shinji. What were you doing all that time in the EVA? Doing 
something perverted I'll bet." She continued to playfully torment

him, 

stepping up to Shinji's and Touji's desks. Just as Touji was about

Windir: Alas, the revised version -- while addressing the specific complaint mooted in the original review -- still fails to satisfy. While the first sentence, a direct quote, is an adequate enough introduction to the paragraph... the next sentence is a particularly anticlimactic way to continue. It is conceivable that one might argue a desire to leave the details of the action up to the readers' imagination; however, in point of fact, the wording as presented fails to evoke any sense of imaginative creativity. <Gives Frito a preemptive boot to the head> 

Frito: OW! What was *dat* for?

Lyra: Frito, he knew what you were going to say. *I* could see what you were going to say. Heck, even *MOUSSE* could see what you were going to say.

Windir: As may be. Rather than providing even a modest amount of inspiriation, this particular sentence suggests a certain lack of initiative on the author's part --

Frito: A cop-out, huh?

Windir: A-hem. *Thank* you. <Frowns at Frito> In any event, one must agree that to evoke the proper emotional response, in preparation for Rei's subsequent action, one needs a more direct presentation of the events.

Lyra: <Innocent look> You mean show, not tell?

Windir fumes silently. 

tell her off, someone grabbed Asuka's shoulder from behind, turned

her 

around, and a resounding slap was heard throughout the whole

classroom. 

The hand which slapped her belonged to none other than Rei Ayanami.

Lurker, Hikaru: O_O

Chris: YAAAAAAY REI!
Urd: [to Bell] Is it just me or does Chris really like forceful women.
[Bell blushes]
Skuld: [scandalized] Urd!
Chris: [despairing] Why me?

Lyra: Um... because you asked for it? <Deadpan look>

Asuka would have said before they ever came from her throat. With 
Asuka's silence, Rei turned around and walked back to her desk. 
Surprisingly enough, the rest of the class went without incident. 
Everyone else who witnessed the event made a mental note NOT to

cross 

Rei. 

Lurker: This sounds familiar. <munches on an Evanjellydonut>

Frito: Like it's really intentional, uh-huh. NOT!

Lyra: <Sigh> Well, he does have a point. 

Frito: 'Course it sounds kinda da same -- it's a funny line, ya think he's gonna resist it, 'specially with Rei?

Chris: Actually, After the 16th Episode, when Rei gives Asuka the
glare-o-death when Shinji's suck in the 12th Angel, it was pretty clear
Rei was not a woman to mess with.

Lyra: Uh-huh. <Evil grin>

Frito: Ulp.

Urd: Woman? She's 14!
Chris: One word, Urd, one word: Gainax.

Windir: Indeed.

Lyra: <Resigned look> Anyone for Misty Mei?

Hikaru: Okay, the plug suits are tight, but they're not *that* tight.

Chris: Actually...[whacked by Skuld]
Skuld: Hentai!
Chris: What are you hitting me for?  I didn't draw them!
Bell: [watching the screen carefully] Hmm...I wonder how Keiichi would
look in that thing. [pause] I wonder how I would look.
Chris/Urd/Skuld: <sweatdrop>

All three boggle. 

Frito: <Picking his jaw off the floor> Uh... Bell-chan? Ya OK, there?

[Editor's note: <Shrug> I still don't see what the big deal is. Not any different from a diver wearing a wetsuit, right? Sheesh.]

Windir: And one might suppose that your prior experience wearing running tights as a cross-country racer had nothing to do with this, ne?

[Editor's note: <Sarcastic tone> Oh, no, of course not. Just because *we* wore them because they were *practical*, before the fashion industry got a hold of them and made them <venomous tone> TRENDY...]

The trio look nervously up at the ceiling.

Frito: Um, Lyra-chan... it's *your* turn to calm him down.

Chris: That was NOT an image I needed at this time. [pause] Hmm..I wonder
if I could convince Rachel...nah...Ami would..[whacked by Skuld again]
Urd: THAT you deserved.

	In the same near emotionless tone she whispered, "Ikari-kun…" he

Lyra: A suggestion: Lose the high-ASCII characters. They can be really screwed up by some Internet mailers. This one came across as a Sigma symbol, for example.

turned 

and stared at her straight in the eye. "May… may I ask you

something?" 

He never remembered a time when she had ever asked for anything

before, 

so he nodded. This time, he could tell she was starting to get 
apprehensive as she continued. 

	"Would… would you touch me?" 

Lurker, Hikaru: O_O

Lurker: <smirks> Well, which one's the pervert now? <takes another
Evanjellydonut from the box>

Chris: <sigh> Am I the ONLY one in the entire FFML who didn't put the
worst connotation on this when I read it?

[Editor's note: Nope.]

Frito: <Lecherous cackling> Speak for yerself...

Lyra: No, really. I mean, yes, that's commonly used as a code for... <blushing> um, sexual contact... but with Rei, she's so innocent and, well, emotionally stunted, that it comes across as a very touching reaching-out. Like the scene in the entry plug, when Shinji tells her it's normal for people to smile in a situation like that.

Urd: I agree with Lurker.
Skuld: You would. [blushes] But I thought that way too.
Chris: [looks at Bell, who blushes hard] I see. [sighs]  And you have the
gall to call ME a hentai.

Lyra: You tell 'em, kid.

	"I do not know what to say either. But… let's just have this

moment to 

ourselves. Just for a moment." With that, she rested her head on

his 

shoulder. He turned to her slightly and a small smile grew from his

lips. She was right, just for this moment. With that, he wrapped

both 

arms around her and felt as if he were a child once more. Enjoying

the 

feeling of being with another whom cared for you and you for them. 

Hikaru: Awwww...<reaches for another Evanjellydonut, only to find the
box empty> Darn!

Chris: Nice scene.
Bell: Very sweet.
Urd: Very romantic.
Skuld: Bleah...

Frito: Kinda... gets ya right here, don't it?

Lyra: <Raised eyebrow> And not a couple of feet lower down? My, that *must* be special. <Smile changes from sardonic to gentle, as she pats him on the shoulder>

Everyone watched in despair as the only weapon that could hope to

beat 

the angel was lost. Yet, regained that hope when the light took

hold of 

Windir: A very awkward sentence construction. "And then regained that hope" would be slightly better, and would preserve the intended sentence structure of the author, but would still be less than optimal. I would suggest the author drop the sentence break, put an ellipsis after 'lost', and combine the two into one sentence. One might also consider the use of 'only to regain that hope', as a more felicitous wording.

the spear, turned around and threw it with more force than Asuka

did. 

The spear tore through another shot from the angel and through the

heart 

of it's body as well. The resulting explosion created a flash so

great, 

nobody noticed where Seraphim came from landed on the ground by the

shelter.  

Lurker: Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

Hikaru: <winces> That last sentence is *really* funky looking.

Lurker: <puts on some shades, and sings> "Kill that funky sentence
light boy..."

Hikaru: <falls over> Anou...was that *really* neccessary?

Lyra: <Wry look> Quite possibly. Awful pun, but, well...

Lurker: <points up at the sentence> You tell me.

Hikaru: <looks up, winces> Point.

Chris: SKuld, if you would?
Skuld: [pulls out the BFH, whacko] LURKER NO BAKA! [instant pancake]
Bell: [primly] Really, Lurker, show SOME class.

Frito: So, ya wanna tell us what'cha mean by class?

Windir: Undoubtedly a definition having as little relation to you as eternally possible, Frito.

	"I saw here again. That thing was inside my mind. I saw my mother 

Lurker: I saw here, I saw there, I saw everywhere but where I wanted
to see. Who am I?

Hikaru: Hibiki Ryouga!

<a bell dings, and a canned audience cheers>

Windir and Lyra groan.

Lyra: <Weakly> I thought game show season was over.

Frito: Nahhhh, it's *baseball* season! <Tosses a baseball in the air, pulls out a shotgun, and blasts it> Um... guys? <Drops the rifle>

Windir and Lyra advance on him, chuckling evilly.

Chris: [tries to imagine Asuka in travelling clothes and a yellow and
black bandana.  Fails miserably]  The mind boggles.  However, I CAN image
Asuka in Ukyo's outfit...

Lyra groans again.

Bell: She seems more like an Akane type to me.

Windir: Inasmuch as this pollution of the series' character pool can be said to make sense, this in fact does make sense.

Chris: [considers that] OK, then who'd be Ukyo?
Skuld: Rei!
Chris: [mind does a core dump on that one] NO WAY! [waves hind hands in
the air] Lets leave this tain of thought, it's giving me a headeache.

Frito: Ain't dat supposed ta be 'train'?

Lyra: That's not even the scary part. Earlier on, I accidentally read 'Azuza' instead of 'Asuka'... <Rests her forehead in her hand and sighs, then looks up> Right? Um...

Windir: <Growls, trembling> The daemon of uber-kawaii... Smotherer of souls... She Who Must Be Sedated...

Lyra: Not sedated, institutionalized.

Windir: I meant what I said. Sedated until she is turned into limp bundle of flesh, whose admittedly attractive corpus might then be stuffed and mounted over a mantelplace.

Frito says nothing, but picks the shotgun up and cocks it grimly, fear lurking at the back of his eyes.

Lyra: <Whistles silently> You really *don't* like her, do you?

Windir: <Flashing back to a certain kidnapping and review> We. Have. Reasons.

[Chris, Bell, Skuld turn and look at Urd, who's wearring a dark blue
version of the Plug Suit.]

Urd: [twirls] What do you think.
Chris: [shading his eyes] Indecent.
Bell: Urd, put something on!
Skuld: [looks Urd up and down with a calculating look.] I WANT ONE!

Lyra: Techno-geek. <Wry grin>

Chris: When your older. [Eeps as Skuld gives him a deadly glare.]

Windir: Surely you mean 'you're'?

[Warhammer returns to the light.] 

<and Lurker and Hikaru return to the mist...>

Chris: Good stuff, WH!

[Skuld hops in a puddle, Belldand walks through a mirror, and Urd, dives
into the monitor.  Chris mops up the puddle, pickets the mirror, and turns
off the monitor, then disappears.]

Windir: Not at all an unrewarding review, one must admit.

[Editor's note: Speaking as an occasional reviewer... it *is* good to get feedback on a review, especially one you've put a fair amount of effort into. Good job.]



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.