Time for a brutal, no-holds-barred, scathing analysis in which I pick out
everything that's wrong with this story.
 
Uh...
 
 
Ah! There's a punctuation error. When you have the same speaker
speaking through two consecutive paragraphs, the first one doesn't get a
close quote, though the second one does get an open quote.

E.g.

"Blah blah," Akane said. "Blah blah blah.

"Furthermore," she continued, "blah blah and blah."


Other than that, it was excellent. Oh, and I am wondering how Ryoga
managed to cross an ocean without realizing it. Maybe...

"This is a cargo freighter, son. We're headed for Shanghai. What're you
doing on board?"

"Leave me alone, I'm depressed. Oh, Akane...."


Gary