My name is Rei Ayanami. Until today, I thought I was a normal
schoolgirl. Alright, so I'm considered to be a little weird. But, all
that changed when I met a strange boy this morning. He was cute,
but kind of stupid. He had this wossname, bead thingy on his hand.
Well, now I'm running for my life, and it's gotten cold in here.
Why me?
===
Rei ran in terror from the mass of tendrils, sharp pointed sticks,
and other disgusting things. A tendril wrapped around her right ankle,
tripping her. It then picked her up and threw her down a stairwell.
Before she could hit the floor, it caught her and threw into a nearby
hallway. Catching her one last time, she was wrapped in whatever
the thing was made of, and then it something truly horrible. It
began to speak.
>Kushinada!<
"Whaoort?" she asked intelligently.
>Kushinada, your end is near.<
"What?"
>You will die soon, but if you are lucky, I just might read
you some of my poetry!<
Rei began to scream.
_____________________________________________________
Totally Absurd Productions Present:
Yet another shameless installment of
NEON GENESIS BLUE SEED
Episode Two;
What do you mean I have to die? It's too early! Why Me?
By Ash
Blue Seed is the property of Yuzo Takada/Take Shobo.
Evangelion is the property of GAINAX, a bunch of bloody
geniuses, though that Anno guy needs some serious counseling.
All other guests are copyright their respective creators/
publishers/studios.
_____________________________________________________
"Hey Hyuuga, where are we?" asked Misato in a fit of boredom.
"Well, we're stopping at a nearby JSDF base to board a C-130
which will take us to another JSDF base, where we'll board another
helicopter which will take us to Izumo."
"Oh."
***
"Please hurry, waaah, oh my poor baby, I hope you're all right."
sniffle<
Sweat drops formed on Maia and Ikari's foreheads.
("Drive faster.") whispered Ikari.
("Hai.")
***
>Ode to a quaint gaijin show I saw whilst watching terebi
one day.<
>There shall never be a show lovelier than
The Brady Bunch.<
Rei screamed.
"Oh no, you don't!" cried a voice. If you tried to look for it's source,
you wouldn't find it. Why? Because it is currently cutting through Rei's
Bonds. Wow. Now it and Rei are gone. In fifteen seconds flat, that is.
Ten seconds later, the door to the chem lab flew open. One second
later, Rei found herself sitting on the floor. She looks up to see...-Shinji-?
Yes, Shinji. Currently, he is throwing the contents of a cabinet at a nearby
mass of tentacles. An acrid burning smell filled the room.
"Eeeeewww, gross."
Rei caught a good look at Shinji. On his arms were these ah, fin-shaped
protrusions on his forearms. He looked at her and smirked. The fins grew back
into his arms.
"Damn that Kisama Orochi! If I had known that he was going to recite
poetry, I would've gotten here sooner." said Shinji, twisting his face into
a scowl.
Rei blinked.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked Rei, concern written all over her face.
It was Shinji's turn to blink.
"Huh?"
"Your arms. Doesn't it hurt when you do that?"
"Oh, only when they come out. Or is it when I laugh?"
"I...see."
Something clicked in Rei's mind. "Wait a second, weren't you
stumbling around and talking like an idiot this morning?"
Shinji put his hand behind his head where it had collided with
the sweat drop that had formed there.
"Well... there was something in that forest that was affecting my
motor skills."
"You don't say."
Rei turned away, tapping her forefingers together. Looking up at the
ceiling, she began to speak. "Why me?"
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to die?" she asked, turning
to Shinji.
"I haven't been on a date, or gone to see Fuji-zan, or even to Nerima,
Tokyo to see if it's as weird as everyone says. I haven't even..." she paused
to look up at Shinji with a sad, pleading expression. "I haven't been
kissed by a boy."
Shinji looked at her, a sly expression forming on his face, he replied,
"I can see why. Any girl who still wears neko pants isn't mature
enough to be kissed."
A look of shock and horror crossed Rei's face. Looking down, she saw that
her skirt was missing, and that the panties she had on had these features;
a simple bow, a picture of a kawaii sd kitten, and betwixt these, the words
'Hello Kitty' in bright, cheerful katakana.
Rei's face went completely red. Steam was starting to shoot out her
ears. She slapped him. Hard. Not only did her hand leave a red hand-shaped
mark, aaand an impression, but had dislocated his face.
"Itai." said Shinji as he replaced his face.
"How dare you say something like that!" she spat at him. "My mother makes
me wear these. She thinks that I'm still six years old. But then, sometime she
thinks she's some sort of galactic police officer."
Shinji started to reply, but having heard something, grabbed Rei
and jumped out the window.
Orochi took that moment to barge in through the door. Having
sensed that nothing had attacked it, it grew an eye out of a tentacle,
and took a look around. It then grew a hand with another tentacle and...
Snapped it's fingers.
Che, missed them by that much."<
***
Having arrived at their destination, the three TAC agents
disembarked their helicopter, and prepared to board their transport.
Looking around for a moment, Misato saw someone in the corner
of her eye, and sped off towards him in a dust cloud. "Oh, colonel!"
Cried Misato as she gave the man a wedgie.
"That's for the crummy transfer!" she said, tying his shoelaces
together, while the Colonel attempted to remove his underwear from
his head.
Twenty minutes later, the C-130 had taken off, and Hyuuga
and Dr. Akagi were talking.
"So Doctor, what are you trying out this time?" asked Hyuuga,
pointing at the briefcase he was holding.
"Well, it's a Dr. Pepper plasmid in an isolated vector."
"What?"
"After listening to you rant about Dr. Pepper, I made some
interesting discoveries."
"Well?"
""First, I found that it, in it's purest form gave you an unusual
vitality when consumed at three specific times of the day. Also,
in a plasma form, it will cause plant matter to weaken to a state
where hard-core industrial music, such as Nine Inch Nails or
Marilyn Manson will cause it to break down into a cellular
mosh pit."
"Harsh." was all Hyuuga could say.
"Oh, Hyuuga..." said Misato as she walked up beside him.
"Yes, Misa- eep! Where'd the hell you get that gun?"
"This? Oh, I have my ways." said Misato, brandishing a weapon
that had all the markings, lights, and sharp, pointed objects that said;
'This will hurt whatever it is pointed at.'
"Ah, I see." replied Hyuuga.
"So Hyuuga, you wouldn't have anything to drink, would you?"
inquired Misato seductively, while tracing a finger across the back
of one of his hands.
Hyuuga started to sweat. He turned to look at Misato, who was
looking at him with eyes that pleaded with his soul. Her mouth was
slightly open in such a way that her lips were practically holding up
wooden signs that screamed, 'Kiss me, stupid!!!'
Hyuuga began to drool. Reaching beside him, he opened a cooler
that was sitting on the floor, and pulled out can of his choice beverage,
Dr. Pepper.
"Here." he said, giggling that guttural giggle that idiots make when
they think that they're going to get some.
Misato's face lit up. "Oh, that's soooooooooo sweet of you, Hyuuga."
She said grabbing the can and slapping him on the back.
Hyuuga instantly deflated, while Misato opened the can and downed
it in a single gulp.
"Whaaaaaaaaaoooooooooohhh!!!" She shrieked, experiencing the rush
of caffeine and sugar that her body so badly lacked.
"That's got some kick!" she said, as she settled into a chair to keep
from bouncing off the bulkheads.
***
A car arrived at the high school, which had just been declared a disaster
area. JSDF barricades and vehicles surrounded the campus. One of the
car's doors opened to release a flood of tears that spilled out onto the
ground.
>squish<
Ikari stepped out of the car and walked towards a nearby soldier, or rather
he squished.
>squish<
>squish<
>squish<
"Hold it right there! These premises are now off limits to non-military
personnel!" shouted a soldier pointing a rifle at Ikari.
Ikari, after pausing to slide his glasses up his nose, pulled a TAC
ID out of his jacket pocket. The kind that gets you a 50% discount
at 'Mr. Wacky's Yakisoba'. But, you didn't hear that here. The soldier
stood there gaping, while Ikari pocketed the card.
"Oh...ah...sorry? Ah...I mean sir! That is, I mean..."
"That's all right, soldier." sais Ikari, smiling in a way that said, had
the soldier been paying attention, would have told him to run away.
Far away. Very far away. Leave the country even. Board the 999 perhaps?
Maybe.
"Just tell me where I can find your commanding officer."
"Him? He's ah... over there. On that wossname, thingy." said the
soldier pointing to his right.
"Jeep?"
"Ah... yes, that's it."
Thank you, that will be all." said Ikari, walking away, hands
clutching behind his back.
Ikari walked up to the jeep. Inside was a young man of oh, let's
say about twenty five years of age. His head is tilted back to show
that he is in fact, asleep.
"Ahem." ahemed Ikari. The other man started to drool a little.
Pulling a small mallet from inside a sleeve, Ikari bopped
the man on the head.
>bop<
The man tilted his head away from Ikari.
Before using his trump card, the dreaded 'hot grease'
manouevre, Ikari decided to try one more thing. Pulling on
the ear facing him, he leaned over and yelled "Wake up,
dammit!!!!"
This seemed to do the trick. The young man lifted his
head up and blinked his head a few times.
"Whaaaoort?" he asked -extremely- intelligently.
Gendo Ikari pulled out his ID card and held it up to the
younger man's face.
The young man blinked a few times and looked at the card.
Yawning, he addressed Ikari. "Captain Justy Ueki Tylor
yawn< sir."
"Well?"
"Ah...we uh, surrounded the school, and the wossname,
uh dragon, thingy has been >yawn< moving around a bit."
"What about the girl?"
"Girl? I don't know about any girl. I was just told to
surround the school and wait >yawn< for further orders. Now, I
think I'll return to my nap." with that, he sat back and returned to
his slumber.
Ikari rolled his eyes and turned his head to the sky.
"Why Me?" he inquired of no one in particular.
***
On the roof of the school a figure stood. And waited. No, it's not
the end of part two. This is just a cheap diversionary tactic to keep
the story moving. Oh, and to show that the figure is still there. And
waiting.
***
It had started to rain. Not a torrential storm, however. Nor was it
a light drizzle. No, it was a steady, constant pitter-pat that make up
an average rainy day.
Shinji was having a hard time of it. Not only was he hampered by the
weight of carrying Rei with him, and avoiding Orochi's strokes, the
blasted rain was making it increasingly harder to get a foothold.
Oh bugger, he thought. This is just peachy.
Now why was he thinking this? Orochi had decided that now was
the time to share his poetry with the world. No wonder Rei was
screaming and holding her head in agony.
Landing on a rooftop, Shinji pooped a blade out of his left arm.
Holding it up to Rei's throat, He shouted,
"Stay back! I'll kill her! I really mean it this time!"
"Yeah, right." said Orochi rearing his ugly head. Not that the
head was ugly or anything, It was black, and had eight eyes. It
appeared to be made entirely out tree branches. It also had a
pair of pointy ears, and very large button on it's neck proclaimed:
I GROK SPOCK !
Regarding Shinji, it snorted. Which was surprising, since it
didn't appear to have a nose. Or nostrils, for that matter, either.
"You can't do it. I granted you my power to protect the
Kushinada."
Rei gasped. What? she thought, he's supposed to protect me?
Shinji looked down at Rei, and saw her sister Mei. A wave of
emotion overtook him. Letting go of Rei, he sighed.
Orochi took this opportunity to knock out a section of the
building that Rei and Shinji were standing on. The two fell, pieces
of rubble rendering them unconscious.
***
Outside the school, Maia turned to Ikari and said, "I'm
going in, may I ?" while motioning to a second gun. Pausing to
slide his gasses up his nose, he nodded.
"All right!" she shouted joyfully, while pulling out the second
gun. Turning, she ran into the schoolyard, firing at an occasional
tentacle in the traditional Chow Yun-Fat manner.
***
Twenty minutes later, Hyuuga, Misato, and Dr. Akagi arrived
at the scene. Misato immediately ran towards the school, firing at
any thing that moved. She was also laughing madly the whole way.
Hyuuga sweatdropped, while Ikari and Akagi blinked.
"That's the transfer from the JSDF?" asked Ikari.
"Yes, sir."
"Oh. Is it ready?" inquired Ikari of the case Hyuuga was holding.
"Yes, sir!"
"Then get the led out."
"Yes, sir!"
***
Maia was pinned down. Some of the tentacles had morphed into
poison dart launching guns.
>crunch<
Maia automatically pointed one of her pistols in the direction
of the sound. Turning her head, she was surprised to see a gun
in -her- face. She was pleased, however, to see her gun in the face of
an unfamiliar woman. It was your classic John Woo standoff.
Both women grinned
"Who are you?" both asked simultaneously.
"'You first.'"
Misato ended this pointless conversation by pointing her
-massive- gun at Maia.
"No. -You- first."
The very sight of the gun caused Maia to sweat.
"I'm ah... Maia Ibuki, ah, formerly with the ah, Tokyo Police, ah,
department, now with the ah, TAC."
"Huh? You're with that second rate outfit too?" Misato asked,
lowering her weapons.
"Nice to meet you. The name's Misato Katsuragi. What say we
go and kick some monster tail?"
Maia smiled and nodded.
"Hai."
***
It took some looking, but Hyuuga and Akagi finally found the
tree that had been possessed by Orochi. It wasn't hard. All you
had to look for was the sign that read:
*********************
* This tree is possessed *
* By *
* Yamata no Orochi *
* Poet *
* and *
* Full time Aragami *
*********************
That, and the fact that it was seriously overgrown, and had collapsed
onto the school.
Taking the case from Hyuuga, and setting it down on the ground,
Akagi opened it. Pulling out two needlelike probes, she inserted them
into the tree trunk. Turning a dial on the control panel in the case,
a viscous fluid flowed out of the case through two lengths of tubing
that were attached to the probes.
"Phase one is complete. Time until commencement of phase two
is five minutes, twenty three seconds and counting." Akagi reported.
***
Rei was having a dream. Not your ordinary, garden variety dream
though. She was having one of those dreams that made sense, and yet
it didn't. Go figure. In the dream, she had flashed back to this morning.
In the cave. She was dressing after completing the purification ritual.
Strangely enough, she wasn't putting on her normal sailor fuku.
Instead, she was slipping into a white bodysuit that, when she pressed
a stud on the right wrist, it shrank to fit her lithe figure. The suit had
a variety of nicknacks and doodads all over it, and the most
distinguishing feature was the '00' written on the suit's chest.
"Rei-chan," rang out a voice from across the cave. Turning in the
direction of the voice, we find it is none other than... Rei's
Obasama. She is wearing a swimsuit, a straw hat, and a pair of
sunglasses. Currently reclining on a lounge, she turns and takes a
drink from a tray held by penguin wearing a metal collar.
Of note about the collar is the fact that a small bow tie is apparently
clamped magnetically to it.
What was going on behind Obasama was a scene that went
beyond surreal it was completely absurd. Three white chibi
usagidudes were being chased by Wakko Warner, and was in turn
chased by anther chibi usagidude, who wielded an ubercrescent
wrench. Behind them, a sperm whale and a rather decently sized
bowl of petunias plummeted to their doom.
"You must remember what I have to say."
Listening, Rei continues dressing, and we see that now she is
wearing tight white pants, a multilayered tunic, and a sash-like
belt. The belt is very long, and the ends trail away from her waist,
ending with two wooden balls that run through them.
"There will come a time when you must sacrifice all. For you
are the servant of the people of Japan."
Buttoning up the red Chinese tunic she had just slipped on,
Rei looked down at the black Chinese pants she was wearing.
They seemed awfully large as if they were made for someone taller
and stouter built. A boy, perhaps? she thought quietly.
"When that time comes, you must bring a shrubbery!"
Looking up in surprise, Rei gasped. Her clothing had changed again.
Now wearing red trousers, and a red tunic, over which is a swath of yellow
cloth that is draped over her small bosom. Currently, she was in the process
of dropping a paudronned cape that she was draping over her shoulders.
"A shrubbery?" she asked, completely baffled by the last statement.
"Yes! Make sure that it is not too tall, not too short, and is
beautifully trimmed."
Rei woke up.
***
Shinji was having a dream as well. It too, was a flashback. But
it was somewhat more sedate.
In the dream, there was a shrine. It wasn't the one where Rei lived.
Further north, it was in an out of the way place; no decent transportation, or
access to the best schools. What it did have was trees, tall and wiry, they
slouched like an old man leaning on his cane. These trees were leaning on the
temple's holy arches.
Coming in closer, a baby can be seen. Surrounding the baby are a bevy of
bodies, which are splayed about in ways that would in with any third rate slasher
film. To put it simply, there were a lot of dead people lying about the place.
Damn shame, really, all those dead bodies spewing blood about, mucking up
the place.
What wasn't a shame, however, was the fact that some of the trees had come to
life. Not in the Wizard of Oz manner, mind you. But in a way where some of the
branches had woven together into serpents with multiple eyes and jagged teeth.
They also had pointy ears. There were eight of these heads, and one of them,
dripping with blood, had risen above the rest, began to speak.
>You, Shinji Kusanagi, shall PROTECT the Kushinada. PROTECT
To do so, I shall give you seven of my souls. PROTECT <
With that, seven of the heads reared back, and struck the baby,
changing into seven bead-like seeds that affixed themselves to his (the baby's)
body in various places.
>Now, what should I do? Oh yessss.... I think I shall recite some haiku.<
Shinji woke up before Orochi could continue.
***
Muttering groggily to himself, Shinji opened his eyes. He came to a
start when he saw that Rei was bound tightly to a scaffolded tower.
She was also surrounded by panels of unknown construction, that were supported
by scaffolding, which had been ripped from the ceiling. And bound tightly
with tendrils.
"Kuso," he swore softly to himself, " a plastic absurdity field." At this
point, he attempted to get up, and found that, Orochi had, in fact, bolted his arms
to the wall.
Orochi was, at this point, was occupied in taunting Rei with eyestalks on
his tentacles.
>You see,< it said, pausing for dramatic effect. >This 'plastic absurdity'
field has some unique properties. It's like this, when a person dies, energy
is released. The Kushinada, however, releases a pulse that banishes any and
all Aragami back to Limbo. The field blocks that energy, allowing us to be rid
of you forever. It also allows you to pick up satellite tv without a scrambler.<
The roof decided to collapse in a smoky explosion brought about by a grenade.
>Wot th-<
***
Outside, Maia was chiding Misato.
"Baka! There's an important girl inside we're trying to rescue."
To this, Misato replied, "If I had any self control, I wouldn't have
been transferred to the TAC."
Maia rolled her eyes, and thought; Why me?
***
Dr. Akagi pressed a button on the control panel.
"Plasmid away." she said while opening a CD player that was in the case.
Reaching into a large pocket on her lab coat, she pulled out a CD case
and opened it.
"ChikushoooOOO!!!" she swore loudly.
"What's the matter?" asked Hyuuga curiously.
"I left the damned CD back at the office."
"Oh, okay. Would singing the lyrics work?"
"Hmm. It might. However, you would have to be awfully close to the
brain to make it work."
Hyuuga pondered this for a moment, and decided that it wasn't worth it.
"Ah, I, ah, see." he finally said.
***
>KUSHINADA, PREPARE TO BraaaaaaAAAAAHHHHPPPP!!!>
>What the hell was that?<
Suddenly, Rei remembered something she had seen on TV once.
However, she couldn't remember the lyrics involved, so she sang some
she could.
o/" God money, I'll do anything for you
God money, just tell me what you want me to
God money, nail me up against the wall
God money, don't want everything he wants it all o/"
Of course this did have an effect. Seeing this, she continued.
o/" No you can't take it
No no you can't take it
No you can't take it
No no you can't take it
No you can't that away from me o/"
(From 'Head like a hole' by Nine Inch Nails)
By this time, Shinji was able to break free of his bonds.
Orochi, however, was beginning to have a -very- bad day.
But then, having 90% of your body turning into a mosh pit will do
that to you.
***
Outside, the tentacles had stopped attacking and had morphed
into a bevy of slam dancers. Maia and Misato stopped dead in their
tracks. Maia's face turned blue, and an eye started to twitch. Her jaw
having dropped, Misato stared at the bedlam, her jacket having slipped
off of one shoulder.
***
Having extracted himself from the wall, Shinji went about the
process of freeing Rei. That done, he carried her out of the field.
Orochi, seeing that his prey was getting away, decided to
inflict some pain on Shinji. Launching a shaft of non moshing matter
from its body, Orochi managed to hit Shinji. The shaft struck, and
pierced him through the chest.
Breaking off the shaft, Shinji tried to crawl away to safety.
Orochi opened its mouth, revealing another bead.
>Now to deal the final blow!<
Rei leapt between Shinji and Orochi. Standing before Shinji,
arms outstretched, she waited for the end.
***
Pilot: No sir and that really got me upset, and I was going to
let'em have it I was going whip it straight out, fly in
low, and lob it straight through the dining room porthole
that would have sorted them out.
Comm: You were going to do what?
Pilot: Cut it straight out and let'em have it, whee splat right out
into their breakfast. They'd have known that we meant
business then alright.
Comm: What were you going to cut out straight out and throw into
their breakfast?
Pilot: My stomach sir. Oh yes I'd like to see the expressions on their faces
when the great squelchy mass plummeted right into.....
Comm: Wait... wait a moment, let me get this clear in my mind. You were
going to cut out...
Pilot: My stomach, yes sir, Kamikaze.... (does Hara-kiri gesture)
Comm: You were going to cut out your stomach and... throw it at the
enemy?
Pilot: Yes sir, right at them.
Comm: Any particular reason?
Pilot: Die for the Emperor sir.
Comm: And what purpose would that serve?
Pilot: Make them feel guilty sir.
(From 'Kamikaze Briefing' by Douglas Adams)
***
Rei blinked. "What the-"
>Bloody 'ell was that? Oh well.< shrugged Orochi. This was quite a
sight, considering that it didn't have any visible shoulders.
Orochi stuck out his tongue. Unlike other tongues, this one snaked out
like a spear and struck Rei in the chest.
A bright light emerged from Rei's body. Filling the room, it disintegrated
Orochi's dying form.
>Damn! And just when I was so close. Wait.... there is another way....<
Orochi pulled his tongue out of Rei.
Everything went white.
***
Rei awoke several hours later, on a cot inside a JSDF tent.
Opening her eyes, she heard a voice. It was her mother, Mihoshi, who
was giving her blood intravenously.
"Kiyone, Kiyone... Why do you want to leave Mihoshi? Don't we
make a great team?"
Rei turned her head, and facing the roof of the tent, sighed.
"Why me?"
***
Standing on a nearby hill, Shinji looked down at the ruins of the school.
"Well, Rei, I guess you're safe for now." he said before turning... and
walked straight into a lamppost.
***
On the roof of the school a figure in black stood.
DAMN. OH WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME.
it said before mounting a white horse.
HOME, BINKY.
***
END PART TWO
Next on Neon Genesis Blue Seed:
Rei goes to Tokyo!
See: Shinji taunt Rei!
Rei hit Shinji!
Shinji vs. a crow aragami!
Shinji vs. Misato!
Rei vs. The crow aragami!
All this and more on the next episode of :
NEON GENESIS BLUE SEED
***
Ash's rant.
I bet some of you are wondering how this came about. It all
started when I read a Blue Seed/Ranma omake by the Lurker.
This lead me to think about doing a Blue Seed/Eva omake, but I
couldn't think of anything to write about. Then it dawned on me,
why not do a crossrip/crossover of the two. I thought about it for
a while and read some Evanjellydonut that I had printed out. Writing
it came quickly, as well as the decision to turn the whole thing into a
joke.(I still have jokes that I haven't used yet). Unfortunately everything
I try to write now ends up being funny and looking something like a
Discworld story.
The bit about Rei singing NIN lyrics has something to do with an Eva
story I've been planning to do.
The Kamikaze bit was quoted directly from 'Don't Panic! The official
Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy companion.'by Neil Gaiman. If you are
into this sort of thing, find it! (Shameless Plug!)
Part three is done and will be out as soon as I type it up.
Thank you for listening. 