I'm baaaaack.......!
 

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From: raymond.haney@mohican.mwsu.edu
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
Sent: 11/7/97 2:42:56 AM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic]Ranma/X-Men part 3

**This is a tansitional part, so it's not really dynamic or that long
(parts
one and two came in at 6-7 pages, this is about 4) Ranma/X-Men has been
delayed for a bit while I tried to figure out who the bad guy was..
Luckily, it came to me as I was writing Shampoo and Psyloke's dialouge.

**note: Shampoo's dialouge may sound totally OCC for her, but I'm of the
opinion that she doesn't talk like a frapping idiot when she's speaking
Chinese.

Yeah, I can see that.  Wasn't it Zen who popularized the idea of
Shampoo reading quantum physics?


**Ranma/X-Men, Part 3



**Part 3

**	Things looked bad.

Gotta agree with the Lurker when I say to lose the cliche.  Plus, you
have to be more specific.  What 'things' are looking bad?  Kodachi
with hat hair?  Storm with PMS?  What?

**	Psyloke looked a bit taken aback at her certainty. "Ranma?"

This is a small, piddling point but you spelled "Psylocke" wrong.

**	Shampoo nodded, "Yes, the man I love is a very strong warrior
and will
find me. He'll save me! I just know it! Ranma will come and save us
both!"
	Psyloke smiled as a thought occurred to her, "Well, he'll
probably wind up
helping my friends out. If we're gone to long, then the X-Men will show
up
for me."

"gone too long" and Isn't it funny how both are reasonably smart women
and they
still rely on the protection of others?  Before she came to Japan,
Shampoo was a kick
ass warrior and Psylocke's even more dangerous that that, having beent
trained as
a niinja.

**	"X-Men?" Shampoo's brow furrowed for a moment. "Does that mean
they're all
women?"

BWAHAHAAAHAAA!  I love this line!

**	A booming voice suddenly filled the room. "Oh, but you are my
dear's!!"
"dears"

	Both women were on their feet in the blink of an eye. The two
assumed
combat stances, positioning themselves to make the best of the cramped
quarters and chains on their legs.  The door lurched open and a tall,
impeccably dressed Chinese man strode into view. Standing at almost six
foot, he stood in the doorway with both hands on his hips. Psyloke
gasped
with recognition.
	"Mandarin!"

**Cantonese!  No really, doesn't he have green skin?

**	The Mandarin reached up and stroked his chin in thought, "Yes,
my lovely
little Psyloke, it is I." The rings of power on his hand glinted as he
slowly rolled his fingers.

Knick knack paddy whack give the dog a bone, this man's hands...Nah, not
gonna
do it. :)

** Shampoo stiffened and
tightened her fists even more? "Let us simply say that I have certain
plans
for the Amazon tribe, and your young companion shall help me see those
plans come into being."

Lose the question mark.

** The young Amazons eyes were
blazing Betsy could see a red aura of hate beginning to surround her.

Apostrophe after the "n" in "Amazon" and yes, Lurker's right.  Put a
semi-colon
between "blazing" and "Betsy."

**	The Mandarin threw his head back and laughed,

OUCH!  That must have hurt.

**	A voice came from beyond the room. "Lord Mandarin! A moment,
sir." The
Mandarin looked over his left shoulder irritably and Shampoo gathered
and
launched herself. Stretching her body to the fullest, she arrowed toward
the Mandarin, fists ready to strike. She smiled ferally, knowing that
she
would have just enough reach to be able to take him.
	She never got close.
	Without even looking, the Mandarin reached out and blocked her
attack and
struck her in the back of the neck, knocking her from the air and
slamming
her into the ground as if she were a fly. Shampoo lay on the ground
stunned
and gasping for breath.
	"You bastard!" Psyloke lunged forward but stopped as the
Mandarin brought
his other hand up. The flame ring winked dangerously in the light. The
Mandarin finally turned his head and looked down at Shampoo in feigned
surprise. 

Good fight--- or non-fight sequence here.  Nice imagery.

**	Psyloke wearily sighed and rubbed her side where the impact beam
had
struck her. "Some time ago, I went through a? change.

"Some time ago, I went through... a change."  Shows more hesitation on 
Betsy's part about explaining *that* part of her tale.

**	Shampoo smiled weakly, more at the attempt of levity then at the
joke
itself.

She can fly, she can fly, she can fly!  Seriously, the phrase is
"attempt
at levity."

**After he finally left, many warriors demanded vengeance. The elders
refused tog rant permission to them, they wanted nothing more to do with
the man or his terrible rings."

I know that there's no such thing as a "tog rant" and you do, too.
Also, why
didn't the Mandarin just destroy the village?  He was half way there
anyway, and
it's a stupid tactical manuever on his part, leaving so many people
alive to be able
to possibly harm him.

** Now they, along with a few of your young Japanese friends,"
he spat that at Shampoo, "are already looking for you. I assure you, I
have
plans for them and ? possibly usage as well. 

Very weak phrasing here.  "I have plans for them... and possibly a use
for
them as well."

**Farewell ladies, when next we
see each other, it will be far to late for any hope of rescue." 

"too late"

**He snapped his hand

"snapped his fingers"

------------------->

All in all, not a bad portion.  Your sense of dialogue and imagery is
strong,
it's just the basics of grammar and spelling you have a problem with.
Are you
making sure you spell-check every time you finish?  Anyway, looking
forward to the next part.



Foxtrot the Furryous, CBTFH, retired