Well, this is the final part of the "Wait" serries. I kept getting
interupted in writing this, so I'm not sure how quality it is. Lemme
know what you think, all C&C appreciated, especaly on spelling...
All the fics that your should have read before this one are available at
http://bobcat.tamu-commerce.edu/~trotter/fics
Also, killing two birds with one stone, I recently reworked IceAge
part four. I'm going to repost the IceAge Serries next week. This is
just a warning if you don't want to reread them, only four has any new
material.
Matthew Trotter, Lets face it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Wheel of Time rolls on, through the ages, through history, through the
lives of all men, the Wheel rolls on. Some times the landscape is smooth
and the Wheel rolls quickly, sometimes it must slow for a huge Tolkinesque
saga, and sometimes when the driver isn't paying attention the Wheel of Time
hits a Chuck Hole of Time and spills some of the stories from the back of the
Cart of Time. Sign post[1] up ahead. Beware of Dog?
No, the other one, dummy.
The boy peered at the sign. For the fifth time. Today. He had always
been a firm believer in the hand of fate, but this was starting to make all
the other times he believed in fate look like dumb luck. The boy cracked
his knuckles, there was nothing else for it but to try again. This time he
decided to follow the arrow, he wasn't sure how that was going to get him
to Tokyo any faster, but he had already tried everything else. Burning
for revenge he stalked off.[3]
----------
[1] The Sign Post of Time? That's silly, maybe a Billboard of Time[2],
but never a Sign Post of Time.
[2] This space for rent.
[3] Ok, maybe "simmering for revenge he wandered off" would be more accurate.
---------------------
The VMSC presents
---------------------
"Ranma," she said in her most sultry gentle voice.
"Uh, what is it, Akane?"
"Why don't you ever compliment my cooking?"
"Akane," He began gently, "I am a martial artist."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Pops always told me that a true martial artist would never lie."
"RANMA YOU IDIOT!!!!"
<WHAM>...<POW>...<STUFF STUFF>...<BOOT>
She stormed down stairs, she needed to get to work on the lunch for
the school picnic anyway.
---------------------
A
Matthew Trotter
Fanfic
---------------------
The girl looked up from the where They played something
the kettle was boiling on the stove. They made something
She knew deep down where today would Brand new a baby blue machine
go. Ranma would never choose Brass tacks, duct tape
anyone's cooking if he could avoid it. For the great escape
But it would give her a chance to Packed in there like sardines
tease the others, and besides, Ranma Back and forth
MIGHT choose her's and that was worth East, south, west, north
risking any other odds. She started Shred the atlas burn the map
humming a happy little tune and Often lost
bouncing on her toes. And paths criss-cossed
Wake me up I need a nap
She looked at the growing pile of They did something
okinamiyaki on the plates and That meant something
wondered how much Ranma would want And that got them some attention
after he had finished retching up Eyes wide
what ever it was Akane decided to A roller coaster ride
mangle today. Probably as much as Great pride in this invention
he could inhale before Akane noticed I think they're selling Snake oil
...she smiled and started another At the dog and pony show
batch. It wouldn't hurt if Ranma In the garden gee
Actually chose her lunch over Akane's, Would you pardon me
not that that was ever going to happen And by the way how does it grow
...but it couldn't hurt to dream about The explanation's unexplainable
it. All alone on a date with Ranma... Holding on to something
Holding his hand...kissing him...she Once dreamt unobtainable
looked at the okinamiyaki that she was The course was never charted
cooking and turned a deep shade of So don't look in the books
crimson. It appeared that Ranma's The secret's not the recipe
hand wasn't the only thing she wanted Its gotta be the cooks
to hold. They made something
They played something
As she walked into the kitchen Sasuke Blood, sweat and elbow grease
put several plates on a platter and If you can't stand the
covered them with a lid. He was heat in the kitchen
quickly gone, knowing better than to Get out it will increase
interrupt a master chef at her craft. Last train to where?
Stretching, she walked into the center Hey get out of here
of the kitchen and took count. What Nothing's measured
was she going to prepare...her eyes Nothing's weighed
found her special spice rack....no, A dash of honesty
that there were two VERY good reasons In the recipe
not to even consider that. One, the That's the first mistake you made
others would know and they would look 1,2 what's in the stew
smug at her. Two, if Akane happened 3,4 no one's really sure
to try a bite...UGH!!! 5,6 what's in the mix
7,8 this stuff tastes
-The Mighty Mighty BossTones
---------------------
A Long Period Of Waiting Of Several Months
---------------------
Food Fight
---------------------
Akane stormed into the kitchen, as was often her way with kitchens[1],
and looked Kasumi strait in the eye, "Kasumi I'm going to cook lunches
for the school picnic."
"Are you sure, Akane? Its really no trouble for me."
"No. I'm going to make Ranma a lunch he'll never forget."
"I'm sure you will, Akane. Well, have fun, and do be careful."
Akane wondered what Kasumi meant by "I'm sure you will," but this was
Kasumi, she didn't know the meaning of the word sarcasm.[2] Akane looked
around and realized she'd forgotten one crucial component to cooking.[4]
Her mother's cook book. Well, there was no going back now, if she left
now Kasumi would come back and cook before she could get back, AND Ranma
was probably still wedged in the crack under her door, and that would
make it next to impossible to get the door open.
She looked around again, but Kasumi didn't use any cook...wait a
minute, there was a big old looking leather bound book...Morphine's cook
book! She was in luck. Kasumi must have borrowed it looking for new
recipes...
As she flipped through the book Akane was unaware of the aura of doom
that surrounded the kitchen. It's malevolence twisting its way into all
the corners and cracks...its dark power entangling her in its web of
evil. She decided on the honey glazed chicken wings. The malevolence
smiled in the unnerving way only a non-corporeal being can smile...
---------
[1] Kitchens, as many chefs have discovered, do not take well to
storming. Storming is something you do in a castle. In kitchens you
prepare food. If you storm the kitchen then your food tastes like
it. Additionally in a poll of one thousand kitchens world wide, nine out
of ten kitchens say they are absolutely mollified by storming and will
not allow proper food preparation after that.
[2] Actually, she did, she looked it up in the dictionary after she left
the kitchen. Then, worried that she had said something sarcastic,
washed her mouth out with soap.[3]
[3] Which of course lead to the rabid Kasumi episode.
[4] Besides a siege engine of course.
---------------------
Cologne watched Mousse watch Shampoo. The boy was an idiot. He should
have figured out that by acting like an idiot all the time he was driving her
farther away from himself. Not that it was all that bad, it was just
that if Shampoo failed to take that Saotome punk for a husband she was
really going to be heart broken. And, as much as it chafed her to admit
it, Cologne had to admit they might not make a bad couple. IF Mousse
would stop being stupid. It was odd, but as she thought about it, she
could recall many times in the past that Mousse had acted sane and
rationally. As she considered it she realized that most of those times were
when he and Shampoo were not at odds over Saotome.
Mousse shook his head and stepped back from the order window, he looked very
serious...and just a little sad. He said something under his breath that no
human ear should have been able to catch. Of course she was an exception
to that rule and clearly heard him say, "I'll always be here when you
need me, Shampoo."
"Better make that and 'if' sonny boy."
He looked at her, his expression unchanged, "When. And only then."
She almost replied, but there was something about the quiet way he had said
it, instead she just watched him walk out of the door. Again, she
wondered at his motives. If he had acted this reserved as a child, she
might not have had any objection to his pairing with Shampoo. Instead
they had acted as friends might. Running around the village together,
training together, in fact, if she wasn't mistaken, they used to sleep
together, before they became to old for that to be just friendly.
Cologne shook her head, an amazon warrior should not be so close to a man
that she treated him as an equal. That was probably her main reason for
disapproval of those two as a couple, Shampoo had never really thought of Mousse
as her lesser.
A strange though suddenly slipped unbidden into her mind. Even now, when
Mousse almost constantly pestered Shampoo, she never tried to take the dominant
role. She just refused. Occasionally...well, frequently she used violence,
but as far as Cologne could remember Shampoo had never told Mousse that
as her inferior she was ordering him to leave.
As if conjured by her thoughts, Shampoo rushed from the kitchen. She
carried a huge tray stacked with bowls of ramen.
"Shampoo make perfect lunch fo...r..." she looked around, "where Mousse go,
Great Grandmother?"
Again strange thoughts assailed her. How many times had Shampoo rushed out
of that kitchen, or bounded down the stairs to announce to the world that she
had the perfect lunch, dinner or love potion for her husband to be? And
to what outcome? Every time, an argument with Mousse. Interesting.
"Mousse left a few minutes ago."
"Oh," she looked tremendously disappointed.
"Don't tell me you actually wanted him to fight with you over this."
"Uh...no, Great Grandmother, Shampoo only want Mousse for carry tray."
"You seem to be doing fine. Is that tray so heavy that an amazon
warrior such as yourself can not manage it?"
"No," Shampoo looked almost desperate, "it ... it just mans is for serving."
Cologne could hardly believe it, Shampoo was actually lying to her.
At once she placed the way Shampoo was acting. She had seen it before.
When she had started lecturing Shampoo about how she should treat men.
Shampoo had tried to pretend that she treated Mousse like that. In the
end she had admitted that Mousse was her best friend, and that she
couldn't treat him like that. Could it be that Shampoo still thought of
Mousse as a friend? Mousses parting words played themselves back across
her mind, "When. And only then." Cologne hoped that Shampoo only
thought of Mousse as a friend.
"Oh! Shampoo see spatula girl leaving. Shampoo no want her get to picnic
first."
---------------------
Nabiki closed her door and sat down at her desk. There was something
in the air. She didn't like it. Something was going to happen. She
couldn't explain the feeling completely, but authors never stick a long
intro on a fic that isn't going anywhere. That coupled with the fact
that she felt like someone named Dave should appear at any moment and
tell her something wonderful was about to occur. That really bothered
her. Most people who knew Akane was cooking lunch would have screamed in
terror and said something like, "save yourself from hell!"
Nabiki back tracked, going over the recent events might help her
crystalize this feeling. Lets see, she was going to go down stairs and
see what Kasumi was making for their lunches for the school picnic[1].
Normally she wouldn't have minded the surprise, only today Tatewaki had
called and said his sister was preparing lunches for the school picnic.
Nabiki had told him she'd see what Kasumi was making and ask her to make
one for him. He said that he would be forever in her debt. Nabiki was
glad she was on her phone in her room, there was nobody to see her
blushing like...well, she was a school girl...still, that would have been
embarrassing.
It occurred to her that her thoughts seemed to be centering on Tatewaki.
Again. It also occurred to her that she was blushing again. Damn.
Sometimes she wanted to kill Tatewaki for making her feel this way. Then
again, sometimes she wanted to kiss him and hold him and do several other
things that would require privacy that they wouldn't get at a picnic. Her
thoughts about wanting to ...um... BE with Tatewaki didn't particularly
bother her. What bothered her was that she always wanted to make him
happy[2]. She should have been her normal self around him, but she
always found herself wanting to do things for him[3].
Nabiki shook her head, this was getting nowhere fast... Anyway, she had
gotten off the phone to find Kasumi, and as she walked down the hall had
seen her elder sister sitting in the bathroom foaming at the mouth. That
was a bit of a shock. Akane foaming at the mouth would have been no
surprise, but Kasumi? After Kasumi took the soap out of her mouth and
rinsed her mouth out, she explained how she thought she might have been
sarcastic to Akane. Nabiki remembered wanting to cry. Then Kasumi had
told her about Akane cooking the lunches for the school picnic. It
seemed like it should be scarier to think about than it was, but then
again, she kept seeing the soap bubbles in the corners of Kasumi's
mouth. She looked like a rabid animal. She wondered what Dr. Tofu would
say if she told him Kasumi had gone rabid. She promised herself she
would find out.
---------
[1] For Nabiki the school picnic had always been a time to enjoy a lunch with
friends, spend some time relaxing out doors, and to scrounge up
even more dirt on class mates that she wanted to "work for". This
particular picnic was already off to a worry some start because she
would probably have to spend most of her time with Tatewaki. She
knew her business associates would take care of business for her, but
she had always liked the personal touch. Ok, maybe it wasn't worry
some. Maybe she was looking forward to spending the day with
Tatewaki, but damn it, it should have been worry some.
[2] Get your mind out of the gutter.
[3] Go directly to [2], do not pass go, and do not collect $200.
---------------------
Ukyo looked around again. Nothing. She was sure she'd heard someone
moving around the shop. She tried to assure herself that it was just wind or
some such. Still she hadn't seen Tsubasa today and he had been plaguing
her everyday recently. Well, maybe he'd given up. She looked around again.
She couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong. Oh well,
she picked up her combat spatula and slipped it into place on her back.
She might as well get this over with. Picking up the huge tray of
okinamiyaki she headed out the door. Today promised to be one of those
long trying days that made her wonder if it was really worth trying for
Ranma. As she plodded along she began to feel like there was someone
watching her. She looked left, nothing unusual. Right, Shampoo.
"Shampoo, what are you sneaking up on me for?!"
"Shampoo no sneak, spatula girl have head up butt."
"I was thinking!"
"See."
Ukyo wanted to cry, "Haha. So where's your lover boy today? I figured
he'd be carrying that tray for you."
"Mousse, not Shampoo lover!"
"Is that why your only kiss girls?"
Shampoo actually looked embarrassed, "Shampoo tell story, if spatula girl not
tell anyone."
"What's my incentive?"
"Shampoo tell something important if you no tell."
Ukyo sighed, what the hell, "Sure."
"When Shampoo only 11 year old she have friend named Veoh Go. One day
Veoh give Shampoo strange kiss. Shampoo think it kiss of death and not know
what she do to Veoh. When Shampoo ask Great Grandmother, Great
Grandmother tell Shampoo Veoh not give kiss of death. She say it kiss of
French. Kiss of French is for love and kiss of death is for kill. Now
see the difference?"
"So did you and the Veoh girl ever ger back together then?"
"SHAMPOO NOT LIKE THAT!!!!"
"Oh. So what was it you were going to tell me?"
"Look on back."
Ukyo looked over her shoulder. Her combat spatula smiled lovingly at her.
Stopping, she handed Shampoo her tray.
"Hold on to this for me, honey."
"Ukyo! I <WHAM> oHhHh <SMASH> loOuch oof AiEeE <SMASH SMASH
SMASH> LovE YoUuUuuu<BOOT>"
"Thank you," said Ukyo retrieving her tray from Shampoo.
"Why for girl say she love spatula girl?"
"Uh...that wasn't a girl, that was Tsubasa, and he's a transvestite."
"You mean he think you like girl?"
"Probably."
---------------------
Akane opened the mayonnaise, a voice in the back of her mind told her that
mayonnaise did not go with honey glazed chicken. She almost ignored it, after
all mayonnaise went with chicken sandwiches. Then the voice in the back
of her mind mentally kicked her in the head. Ok, ok, so maybe mayonnaise
might not go with honey glazed chicken...
"Akane?"
Akane spun around, Nabiki was standing in the doorway to the kitchen. She
had a strange look on her face. Akane thought she recognized that look.
It was the same look everyone always gave her when she cooked, that half
pity, half terror look.
"What is it Nabiki?"
"Who were you talking to just now?"
Akane tried to look calm, she hadn't realized that she'd spoken aloud. She
hoped she hadn't been talking to herself the whole time she'd been cooking...
"Um...I was just talking to myself...why?"
"No reason...have you noticed that Kasumi is acting a little weird today?"
"No...what's wrong?"
"I think Kasumi may be getting a bit rabid."
She wanted to ask Nabiki what she meant by that, but the voice in the back of
her head was telling her it was time to take the chicken out.
"I don't know what you mean, but its probably nothing..."
Take out the chicken.
"Well, its just that I saw her foaming at the mouth earlier..."
Take out the chicken now.
"Foaming? Is she ok? Maybe we should call Dr. Tofu."
TAKE. OUT. THE. CHICKEN.
"That's what I was thinking...maybe she needs a full examination..."
Takeoutthechicken.Takeoutthechicken.Takeoutthechicken.Takeoutthechicken.
"A full e..x..a..m...." Akane noticed that Nabiki was grinning at her,
"Nabiki! That's not funny!"
RIGHT! TAKE OUT THE CHICKEN NOW YOU MORONIC SLUT!
Before she realized what she was doing Akane found herself opening the oven
and taking out the chicken. She heard Nabiki gasp behind her.
"Akane?! How did you do that?"
"Huh? What did I do?"
"You pulled the chicken out of the oven with your bare hand!"
Akane looked at her hand, it didn't feel any different, it wasn't burned...
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah...I . . .I don't know how I did that..."
"That chicken smells good, did Kasumi help you with it?"
"No. I did it all by myself. I just followed the instructions in
Morphine's cookbook."
"Where did you get his cookbook from?"
"It was here when I came in, I guess Kasumi's been trying to get some ideas
from it. Want to try some of the chicken, I'm dying to know how it
turned out."
"Well, if it tastes anything like it smells I'm game."
"Do you...um..."
"The stomach pump is in the downstairs bathroom."
"Ok. Well, here I go."
The chicken tasted even better than it smelled. Nabiki took one look at her
expression and tried a piece. They stood there silently eating their chicken.
"Wow, Akane I'm really surprised. This is as good as Kasumi's chicken!"
Hey, I'm a gourmet cook book, what did you expect?
---------------------
All these classmates of Ranma's seemed to be just a bit on the stupid side.
Kodachi cracked her ribbon like a whip to fend of another couple that were
tentatively approaching the picnic table. Kodachi smiled to herself, Ranma was
sure to be ecstatic about the meal she had cooked. Ah, Ranma...truly a god
among men...and he was to be all hers...
"My sister, why is it you have cooked close to half the food in the Kuno
mansion as a picnic lunch and yet refuse to allow those picnickers to try
any of your culinary works?"
"I thought you told me that Nabiki Tendo was going to provide your lunch,
brother dearest."
"I ask not for myself, save to sate my growing curiosity. In truth Nabiki
Tendo is to bring a meal to me this afternoon, as Sasuke informed me he
was not able to enter the kitchen to make me a decent meal."
"Oh yeah? And what's all this?"
"Ah no, my dear sister, I have witnessed the effects of your cuisine on the
stamina of mortals like Saotome, and godlike as I may be, I relish not an
afternoon of illness due to some unseen agent in the dishes which I consume."
"Ohhohoho, well I'm sure you'll be glad to know that Akane Tendo will be
cooking your lunch today, brother dear."
"Alas, dear Nabiki, I am already slain..."
"WHERE'S RANMA SAOTOME!"
Kodachi looked over as a boy leaped over...well, through the gazebo. He
looked familiar...bandanas, umbrella, kinda dirty cloths, nice butt....no
she mustn't[1] think of other men that way...even if they did have nice
butts. The boy looked around the park, and then approached the table.
He looked at her brother and then inquisitively at the banquette spread
over a full half of the table. Oh well, Mr. Nicebutt was going to have
to step back from the table, Kodachi cracked the ribbon in his general
direction.
"All right, that's far enough."
"Urk? HEY! Watch where you swing that thing..."
"You, bandana boy, how dare you speak to the noble daughter of the house
Kuno that way! I will be forced to destroy you if you do not apologize
immediately!"
"Indeed, I quite concur with my sister on that point, cur. You will bring
forth the humblest of apologies post haste or I shall smite the to within
an inch of your pitiful life!"
"Your her brother? No wonder you two act the same..."
Kodachi tried to take it as a compliment...it didn't work. She tried not
to be mortified...but the thought that she might act anything like her
brother, it was nothing less than mortifying.
"RIGHT! For that grievous assault on my character you must die, peon!"
Grievous assault on his character? How did Tatewaki expect the beautiful
flower of the house of Kuno to accept that she was thought of as acting like the
moronic mad poet of the same glorious house?
-----
[1] I swear it was in the spelling dictionary in Word Perfect.
---------------------
"Ah, I see the strumpets have arived."
Ryoga looked to see what a strumpet was, but the only thing to see was Ukyo
and Shampoo, and they were looking around for the strumpets too. Kuno appeared
to be looking at his sister in mild shock. Ryoga decided to take advantage of
the confusion and try to figure out what was going on. He let his mind
travel back a bit. Let see, first there was a big explosion and then the
universe formed out of the expanding core of gasses...no not that far!
Ok, how about: the first thing on his shopping list was to find a store...No,
no..that wasn't right, maybe: he had to kill Ranma because he hadn't
shown up for their fight yesterday, that sounded better. Now where was the
fight? Oh yeah, right behind his house. No, wait a minute that was
almost a year and a half ago!
"Hey, Ryoga, what are you doing at our school picnic?"
Ryoga blinked and looked around. Ranma was standing there next to him, and
Kuno was behind him pretending not to listen to the conversation. Akane
was taking to Nabiki, Shampoo, Ukyo and Kuno's sister.
"What did you say, Ranma!?"
Ranma looked confused, "Uh, I asked what you were doing at our school's
picnic."
Damn, he'd been hoping Ranma had said something he could start a fight over.
He considered trying to think back to why he was at the picnic, but he'd already
lost that train of thought.
"I was looking for you!"
"Why? What did I do this time?"
Uh oh...better think of something to stall with, "Don't act that way with
me! I know what you did to Akane!"
"Huh? You do?"
"Saotome WHAT did you do to the fair Akane? You know well of the
consequence if you should have visited some dire act of villainy upon her fair
person."
Ranma eyed the table and then looked at the girls.
"Er, I didn't do that."
Ranma frowned at Kuno and then looked back at him, "So, pig boy, what did I
do to Akane?"
Uh oh, again...think fast, what would Ranma have done to Akane? Probably
insulted her...Ryoga looked at the picnic table. It was literally covered in
food, none of which looked anything like Akane's cooking.
"You insulted Akane's cooking again!"
Kuno looked at the table then to Ranma, "Surely the cur takes you for the
fool you have so often shown thyself to be, Saotome."
"What?"
"What?"
Kuno sighed, "What has become of the education standards in Japan that such
ignorant vagabonds abound? Very well, I shall explain," Kuno pulled out a
graduation cap and gown and put them on. He then pulled out a chalkboard and
scribbled all over it. When he was done, there were three figures, one labeled
Ranma Saitoomb, another labeled Tatewaki Kuno, master of the Japanese
language, the final figure was unlabeled, Kuno turned to him, "What is thy name
o' angry one?"
"Who me?"
"Who else might I mean? Quickly now, out with thy name."
"Ryoga Hibiki."
Kuno turned back to the board and wrote, Ryoga Hebiki under the final figure.
"You misspelled my name!"
"Silence, tree borne slithering one!"
"Hey! You misspelled my name too!"
"Have I mistaken you for a local gang leader perhaps?"
"That's not funny!"
"Just what do you mean by tree borne slithering one?"
"Alas, humor is wasted on the ignorant. They say that a mind is a terrible
thing to waste, though I doubt you ever had much to waste from the outset," Kuno
removed the cap and gown and placed them on top of the blackboard, "There is
nothing I can teach thee. Thy ignorance overcomes even my godlike powers of
communication."
"Godlike?"
Ryoga found himself sharing the same confused look with Ranma.
---------------------
"Allow me to reiterate this proposition of your one more time Nabiki Tendo.
You are willing to wager, that my darling Ranma will not eat, let alone touch
any of the food spread across the table before us?"
"That's right."
"What we bet? Shampoo can hardly wait to rub greedy girl's face in defeat."
"Lets just say you'll all owe me."
"Ok, sugar, but if we win, then you owe us. And that means no more
extortion."
"Extortion? What could Nabiki possibly be extorting money from you for,
Ukyo?"
"Akane Tendo, you may not realize this, but the very nature of extortion is
to find something a person does not wish others to know. Why would Ukyo tell
you what she does not wish made public?"
"So what does Nabiki have on you Kodachi?"
"Nothing, she and I have an agreement where by I only pay her once."
"Hey thats not fair!"
"No. No, its not, but it is a price I am willing to pay."
Ukyo opened her mouth again, and closed it. And looked to be about to
reply, and stopped again.
Nabiki smiled, "Well girls, what will it be, are we going to wager or just
gossip"
Kodachi smiled, "Very well Miss Tendo, we shall wager."
"Count me in, sugar"
"Shampoo in!"
"Well Akane, care for a friendly wager?"
Akane looked at her like she was judging her character, Nabiki knew Akane
would say no. It was inevitable, she knew better. Well, there were ways
to fix that, "What's wrong Akane, don't you think Ranma will at least eat
someone else's food?"
Akane went red with rage, "He's going to eat my lunch and no one else's!"
"Then I assume you want in?"
"I'm in."
"Ranma no eat poison cooking, and have okinamiaki for lunch yesterday. Only
choice is ramen!"
"HE WHAT?!?!?!"
"Wait, Akane!"
Akane looked at Ukyo, "What."
"If you beat up Ranma for having lunch at my place yesterday he WON'T eat
anything today."
Akane glared at her, Nabiki decided she should break the tension before a
fight got started. She snapped her fingers and looked disappointed.
Akane looked at her.
"Nabiki!"
"Hey, Akane, its a bet. I want to win, remember?"
Akane sighed, "Lets get this over with before something does happen."
---------------------
History records very few things about the every day life of average people.
The little details are lost or blurred[1]. Everyday lives are ignored
and forgotten. Fortunately this story is about martial artists and their
not-even-close-to-everyday lives, so history says what happened next went
something along these lines:
-Akane Tendo yelled "Lunch time"
-Ranma Saotome turned away from the unstimulating conversation Tatewaki Kuno
was having with himself and took one step toward the picnic table.
-The entire Furinken High School class descended as a force upon the picnic.
Later many theory's were proposed as to what happened to all the plates and
silverware. The three most popular of these highly controversial theories
are:
The Digestibility Theory, by Mrs. Ann Elk.
The Alien Abduction Theory, by Agent Mulder.
The Elvis Theory, by A. Verybig Fanboy.
"Mrs. Elk, would you please state your theory for us?"
"Ehhm. <cof> Ahehem! <COF> EhheHEM! <HACK> Ok, I'll start. Now, I'm
starting to tell my theory, which is mine, and does not belong to anyone else.
That was not part of my theory. That was just me talking about my
theory, as was that just now, this then is my theory and how it goes.
EHHEHEM! <HACK>...
-----
[1] And later reported in agonizing detail on Biography.
---------------------
And meanwhile back at the fanfic...
---------------------
The word wreckage seemed the only realistic description of the scene
before her. The table was shattered, and great clods of dirt had been
thrown up in the passing of the mob of students. An odd thought occurred
to her...there were no plates to be seen . . . from a location some few
feet to the right of the wreckage on the picnic table came a groan, then
the earth in that area heaved itself upright into a sitting position. Upon
doing so it uttered a curse in the familiar voice of her darling Ranma.
"Aaaaarg! I think my spine is dislocated!"
"Then it is, in your estimation, not worth the pain of arising?"
"Uh...it hurts if that's what your asking, Kuno...."
"Was the experience unique to me, or did it seem to you that there were
several people wearing cleats today?"
"Yeah, there were about three of them..."
"Three? Then the rascals trod on me more than once! I shall avenge myself
upon them before I expire!"
. . .
. . .
"Kuno?"
"Yes, Saotome?"
"You have to get up to avenge yourself."
"Saotome, I must ask a great boon of you."
"What's a boon?"
"A favor! Have you no grasp of the language?"
"Whadda ya want?!"
"Saotome, I must ask that you wreak my vengeance upon those ruffians that
would tread on the noble heir to the house of Kuno."
. . .
. . .
"Um, Kuno?"
"Have you done the deed that I might expire in peace?"
"No, I...uh...have you seen my feet?"
"Do you wear a size nine and a half?"
"Yes..."
"Then one of your feet is wedged under my left shoulder."
"Could you get off my foot?"
"I shall endeavor to do so."
<KRACK><POP><SNAP> Another mound of earth rose loudly.
"Uh...I. sense . ..that . .. this is....a. .pain . . .that will. . .
.linger..."
She realized that there was something amiss, but until just recently
it hadn't occurred to her what exactly it was. Now she knew, she, at the
rush of the hunger maddened mob had leapt into the arms of the person
standing behind her. That person happened to be Akane Tendo. While
Akane did have a strong and reassuring grasp, she was the one person
Kodachi would have payed to keep away from her...well then again, there was
that pathetic Sanzenin person, she'd rather be held by Akane...The blue
haired amazon harlot peered over Akane's left shoulder.
"Shampoo scared to look, what happen?"
The Okinamiyaki chef looked over Akane's right shoulder, "My father always
warned me about crowds like that...I just never believed there could be that
much gluttony in one place...hey what happened to the plates and silverware?"
"Shampoo no want know. She have nightmares about this now..."
"You said it, sugar. Maybe we should leave before they come back..."
"Did either of you happen to see who's banquette Ranma devoured?"
"Shampoo to busy hid..er watching mob."
"I couldn't see around Akane..."
"I, myself, must have seen, but the whole thing was so dreadful my
mind has blanked it out."
Akane shifted, "Wha...what happened?"
"Akane black out too?"
"The last thing I remember," Kodachi felt a shudder pass through Akane,
"ughhh...I...I don't want to think about it."
"I saw what happened."
Suspiciously they all turned to look at Nabiki. Her haunted features
told them the story of her keen mind and photographic memory. It was a
thing none of them would have wished on one another let alone Nabiki.
"Tell us, if you are able, what happened. Though please, if
possible, spare the detail..."
Nabiki shivered as though touched by a wind, "It was terrible..." her
voice faded momentarily and she took a moment to compose herself before
continuing, "Ranma and Tatewaki had just turned toward the table when
that mob of. . . of...people trampled them into the ground...neither of
them got within a foot of the table."
---------------------
The two mud caked figures swayed as if on the deck of a gently
rocking ship. The taller of the two braced itself on what appeared at
first glance to be a muddy cane or staff[1]. The tall one broke the
silence that had to that point prevailed, "Saotome, does it seem to you
that the world is listing about dangerously?"
"Um, a little."
"I see. If I fall and am unable to regain my feet I would leave it
to you to see that I am given a decent burial."
"Ok, but um...if I don't make it tell Akane...uh...tell her I...uh..."
"Tell her that he's a weakling and doesn't deserve her love!"
All eyes in the park turned to the boy perched on top of the
gazebo[2]. He held between the forefinger and thumb of his right hand a
piece of honey glazed chicken. No, it would be blasphemy to name that
golden nugget of perfection merely "a" piece of honey glazed chicken, it
was THE piece of honey glazed chicken. It's honey slicked skin sparkled
jewel-like in the afternoon sun. The boy leapt into the air, the piece
of chicken like some golden compass of the gods describing his arc perfectly.
He landed lightly upon the head of the taller of the two figures.
----------
[1] It was later discovered that the lawyer, doctor, and chief were only there
as a pun and had no bearing at all on the fanfic.
[2] The gazebo is a viscous carnivore often known to terrorize
adventuring parties just out of spite. Gazebos are dangerous if
only wounded and oft found in the company of knolls.[3]
[3] While most people have no real fear of knolls there are a few nobles
in the distant land of Amerika that fear these gentle creatures.
Sadly knolls have been hunted almost to extinction in many of the
western parts of Amerika. This is especially sad since it is not
the normal knoll men need fear, but its dread cousin the grassy knoll.
The grassy knoll has survived this purge of its cousin by
masquerading as lumpy sod.
[4] Puns 5, Fanfic 0. Film at 11.
---------------------
Ranma heard Kuno's neck pop four times when Ryoga landed on his
head. He also heard the gasps from the girls when they saw Ryoga
appear. He even heard Nabiki whisper Kuno's name so quietly that none of
the others heard it. He was even subcontiously aware of Akane's position
relative to himself and all the other people within a ten second sprint
of her. All these things Ranma's warrior mind tracked and stored for
use, should it be necessary. The thing that Ranma focused his attention on
was Ryoga. Well, actually it was the piece of chicken in his hand.
"Ranma, you say your a martial artist, then why were you trampled by
that mob of students?"
"Ryoga."
Ryoga's expression changed from one of derision to one of interest,
"Why so serious, Ranma? Are you worried that I'll kill you?" His voice
dropped to a whisper, "Oh, if only I could bring myself to break Akane's
heart I would...but not here, not in front of her."
Ranma let his voice fall to a low whisper, obviously Ryoga didn't
understand the magnitude of the situation, "Ryoga."
Ryoga looked concerned now, "What's wrong?"
"Give me the chicken, Ryoga."
Ryoga started to comply without thinking, but then hesitated, "Why?"
"I'm starved!"
Ryoga bounded backwards off of Kuno's head and out of Ranma's
immediate reach, "No way! This chicken is mine!"
"Come on, Ryoga, be a pall and share!"
Ryoga held the chicken out of Ranma's reach, running backward to
avoid losing sight of Ranma. They ran back and forth across the park
like that, Ryoga running over people, Ranma dodging the piles of innocent
bystanders.
"Come on Ryoga! It ain't polite to be greedy."
"This is the first decent meal I've had in weeks! I'm not giving it to
you," Ryoga held the chicken behind himself, "You'll have to kill me first!"
<SLURRRP!>
Ryoga watched as a tiny little man...well, man was being lenient, he
looked more like a Tasmanian Booger Rat, but he sailed like a kite right
by Ryoga and, planting one foot in Ranma's face, leapt over Ranma on
whatever path. . . . wait a minute that old guy looked familiar. Ryoga
looked at his hand, he held a bare chicken bone.
"HEY!!! That old man stole my lunch!"
"It was my lunch!"
"Thanks for the snack suckers!"
They looked at each other, "OUR lunch!"
The chase was on...
---------------------
This fic was made possible by grants from the:
Hell corporation - dedicated to making your oceans a slimier and
deadlier place to live.
Monopoly corporation - Our products suck, but do you have a choice.
Kentucky Fried Chicken - Now available in Extra Greasy!
---------------------
Nabiki watched as Dr. Tofu popped Tatewaki's neck back to its proper
shape. It probably hurt, but Tatewaki took it all silently.
"Now what did you say happened to this poor boy?"
"Let's just say he's let people walk all over him today."
"I see, well that should just about cover it, how do you feel?"
"I can not claim to be at my peek, though I must say that your
ministrations have indeed helped to heal the injuries I have incurred
over the course of this day. For that I must thank thee."
"Oh, doctor, did you hear about Kasumi?"
"Ka..kasumi?"
"I guess she hasn't stopped by. She was foaming at the mouth earlier today."
"Ff.fff.foaming?"
"I told her to come by and let you do a THOROUGH examination."
"...examination...."
<CRICK><CRACK><CRUNCH>
"I had expected death would be a painful experience, but now the true
depth of its agonies are finally revealed to me."
"That's too bad Tatewaki..."
"In what way, beyond the unbearable physical pain, is it 'too bad'?"
"I was thinking we could go back to your house and have sex tonight."
"I'm with holding sex tonight."
"You've been with holding sex since we've been dating."
"Its the principle of the thing."
---------------------
Thanks to the following people:
Janna for giving me the cold that gave me the time to work on this,
White Wolf for the list, Tybalt for less spam, Boonyanuch for the Ranma
GNs, Josh for the Wheel Of Time Books, Dave for the Hastur Cycle, Danial
for the free net connection, The BossTones and Rancid for the
inspirational music, Terry Pratchett for Disc World, and Monty Python on
general principles.
A special thanks to Rumiko Takahashi for Ranma and everything else.
---------------------
"...HEM! This is my theory and what it is and all that it is to me.
Instead of eating them, they just took them home."
"That's it?"
"Yes."
"I think this is the silliest aside in the whole fanfic."
"I have another theory. My second theory, or my theory number two.
EHEHEM! <HACK>"
---------------------
A big F U to the following people:
Rosalie just in case you read this RJ45 is a type of connector...not
a network cable standard moron, Jeff in case you read this you might try
bumping the person who's been logged in the longest after say an hour
instead of just whoever's been on the longest, Janna for the cold, Dr.
Legge for the queuing theory bullshit, ORACLE for the worthless error
message advice.
---------------------
"Akane Tendo."
"Yes?"
"You may put me down now."
"Oh."
---------------------
Director: Matthew Trotter
Producer: Matthew Trotter
Wardrobe: Elite Warez
Original concept: N/A
Sound Tech: Digital FX
Mousse Handler: Bob "Bull" Steer
Lighting: Meric Strobe
Mousse Tech: Digital Mousse
Set Design: Mat Riarch
Mousse Design: Pat Riarch
Set Construction: Bob Villa
Mousse Construction: Tim Allen
---------------------
"...oday saw the startling defeat of Mr. Trotter's Fanfic "Food
Fight" at the hands of the puns in the footnotes. This is notable as Mr.
Trotter's footnotes have been found to cause cancer in many lab rats and
other animals as well.
On another note, Green Peace demonstrators at the Institute For The
Torture Of Lower Biological Life Forms To Benefit Humanity, who were
protesting the use of Mr. Trotter's fanfics on animals, we're beaten to
death by police. When asked to justify the brutal slaying of these
peaceful demonstrators, officers told us that the Green Peacers might have
posed a threat, and that they were justified in beating them even after they
could no longer even attempt to flee. Government officials are looking into
the matter and we can expect the police to get a slap on the wrist any
day now..."
---------------------
Director: Matthew Llama
Producer: Llama Trotter
Wardrobe: Llama's R Us Outlet
Original concept: Saint Llama's all boys quire
Sound Tech: Llama FX
Moose Handler: Bob "Llama" Steer
Lighting: Llama Lighting Outlet
Llama Tech: Digital Llama
Set Design: Mat Llama
Costume Design: Pat Llama
Set Construction: Bob Villa
Set Destruction: Tim Allen
---------------------
"This is all your fault."
"Ok, Ok, spatula girl right, Shampoo stupid. If she no open big
mouth we not have to do Akane sister house work."
"For a week."
"For week."
Kodachi walked in carrying a tray, "Shampoo no can wait to rub greedy
girl face in it. Are you happy now?"
"You want to trade job," asked Shampoo holding up her toothbrush,
"Shampoo have to clean bathroom next."
"I think I hear the Tendo's calling...I believe they are prepared to
dine now," mumbled Kodachi loading her tray with food.