<Lurkadis, Hikaru Inverse, Ushio, and Tora emerge from the swirling
lavender mists>

Tora: <coughing> Dammit! I swear that stuff's gonna kill me one of these
days!

Lurkadis: We're here to give a somewhat delayed MST of Ranko's Life S,
Chapter 2, by SKJAM! Apologies for taking so long to get to this...

	(Previously:  Souun Tendou has two lovely daughters, Kasumi and 
Nabiki.  He also has a son named Kaneda who intends to become the heir to 
the Tendou School of Anything Goes Martial Arts.  Years ago, he and his 
old friend Genma Saotome vowed to marry their children to each other.  
Unfortunately, Souun forgot to tell Kaneda about this until today.  The 
young martial artist had no chance to absorb this information before his 
fiancee arrived.  The lovely and demure Ranko (accompanied by her mother 
Nodoka) instantly found her way into the Tendou family's hearts, except 
Kaneda.  However, it turned out that Ranko secretly wishes to learn 
martial arts too, and Kaneda saw some potential in the relationship.  
Everything seemed to be going swimmingly when, thanks to a little prank 
by Nabiki, Kaneda walked in on Ranko in the bath...and saw something he 
definitely wasn't expecting.)

Tora: Sounds interesting enough...

		 Chapter Two:  What *are* you?

Tora: Hey! People say that to me a lot, y'know?

Lurkadis: <dryly> I couldn't imagine why...

	"Kaneda?"
	A female voice, friendly but touched by worry.
	"Kaneda-kun?"
	He was being held by someone warm and soft.
	"Kaachan?"
	"No, silly, it's me, Ranko."
	Kaneda suddenly remembered what he'd just seen and realized where 
his head must be laying.  He sat up quickly.  "GA*umph*"  Ranko had put 
her hand over his mouth.

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	"Who--what *are* you?"
	"I'm Ranko Saotome, your fiancee.  And I'm a girl.  Well, 
mostly.  It's a long story--"
	"You're some kind of freak!" Kaneda hissed.  "I'll never marry 
you!" 
	She looked very hurt.  "Don't say that, Kaneda-kun!  You can't 
refuse, not now, not after everything..."
	"What do you mean, I can't refuse?"
	"It began--"
	Kaneda was becoming uncomfortably aware of how close they were.  
He grabbed a towel and tossed it at Ranko.  "Cover yourself, willya?"

Hikaru: I see she's as modest as ever...

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	She sighed.  "That's what I've been doing all along, it seems."  

Ushio: That was a loaded statement...

She wrapped the towel around her torso while Kaneda tied his around his 
waist.

Hikaru: And now that we have all the gratuitous nudity out of the way...

	She began again.  "It began a long time ago.  As I told you 
earlier, I was born Ranma, a boy.  My father was training me in the 
Art..." 

Tora: Her father wanted her to be a painter?

Lurkadis, Hikaru: <facefault>

Ushio: AHO! She means *martial* arts!

Tora: Oh, y'mean that fightin' stuff you humans do? Che.

Ushio: <smirks> It works well enough on you.

Tora: ...

	She should never have let them leave in the first place.  But 
Genma had been so insistent that a mother's coddling would spoil the 
boy.  He'd even talked about making Ranma a "man among men."  
Fortunately, Nodoka had talked him into a much more sensible pledge.  
After all, a yearly visit to his mother wouldn't do Ranma much harm, and 
might do him a world of good.

Lurkadis: Not to mention, it'd keep his crusty butt alive...

Tora: <smirks> Look who's talking about crusty butts...

<Lurkadis drops a stone gong on Tora>

	"Where are you, Dearest?  I miss you and Ranma so.  Still, I must 
have faith, mustn't I?"  A year alone had started her talking to 
herself.  

Lurkadis: And in two years, she'd be answering herself, too.

	No sooner had she begun stitching than she heard a call from the 
entryway. 

Tora: What kind of call?

Ushio: A catcall maybe?

Lurkadis: I think I hear a booty call...

Hikaru: Don't. Start. <whacks Lurkadis upside the head with her sword...it
gongs>

	Nodoka's heart sank as she saw the callers were two men in police 
uniforms and long faces.  One she recognized as Officer Ise, one of the 
day shift at the local police box.  The other was unfamiliar.

Lurkadis: Ise Ise Baby...

Hikaru: <groans> <goes off in search of a power chisel>

	Nodoka tried to compose herself as she was led to the Juvenile 
Division.  The identification had been mercifully brief; Genma's face had 
miraculously been unharmed.  She was a widow, with a child to care for 
now.  She had to be strong for Ranma, and the time to weep would be 
later. 

Lurkadis: Right. When Ranma's 16. Kinda like ol' Tendou-san.

	The female officer led Nodoka through a swinging door, and she saw 
Ranma hanging from the ceiling lamp, apparently trying to hook his feet 
so he could hang upside down.

Tora: Aw, jeez, kid...I know it's painful. But you shouldn't be tryin' to
hang yourself!

	Nodoka stepped back and took a good look at her child.  Ranma 
looked healthy enough, and had an infectious grin.  But the filthy state 
of his gi and the bedraggled ponytail he was wearing spoke of days on the 
road without proper hygiene or changes of clothing.

Lurkadis: So *that's* what smells around here...

Tora: <whew> [thinks: Man, I'm glad nobody noticed I let one...]

	His face fell.  "Yes.  Touchan was hurted by the logs he was 
puttin' up as a trainin' course for me an' him.  He stopped breathin' and 
wouldn't talk to me no more...Why'd he have to die, Kaachan?" 

Lurkadis: Because this fanfic would be dead in the water without that plot
device...

	"That must have been really rough on you, Ranko, uh, Ranma, but what 
does it have to do with, uh, this?" he asked, waving at Ranko's chest.

Lurkadis: Bet that's fun to wave at...

Hikaru: Hentai! <chisels at Lurkadis>

Lurkadis: O_o! ITAI!!!

Tora: <snicker>

	Nodoka wasn't looking forward to this next call.  As bad as the 
ones to her husband's various creditors were, she much more dreaded 
talking to this man.

Lurkadis: <nods> The auditor.

	"This is Nodoka Saotome, Genma's wife."
	"Oh, yes, I remember you!  How is the old bear?"

Lurkadis: <sings> The ol' panda bear, he ain't what he used to be...

Hikaru, Ushio, Tora: <sweatdrop>

	Now it came to Kaneda.  "My sixth birthday party!  I had a bunch 
of guys from my first grade class over.  Kasumi and Nabiki went shopping 
with Okaasan, and Otousan was watching us.  I remember he got a call and 
got all grumpy...  Then when Okaasan got home, he told her something away 

>from us.  It was the first time I saw him cry."

Lurkadis: But it wouldn't be the last...

Hikaru: Not by a long shot.

	She shuddered as she read of the Neko-Ken.  What sort of madman 
would come up with such a horrid training method?  And the next two pages 
were partially stuck together, making it easy to miss the warning on the 
next page.  Nodoka saw visions of Ranma scratched to death or permanently 
driven insane.  And that was not even the most dangerous training method 
described in the book.

Lurkadis: Word to the wise: Burn that damned book.

	But that was part of the cost of martial arts.  Nodoka hoped she 
could find a gentle teacher, but the books and scrolls weren't giving her 
much hope.  If the ones who wrote them actually used them to train  
students, well... 

Lurkadis: Then they probably had a lot of dead students.

	She put down the training methods text and picked up one on 
famous training grounds.  Volcano...underwater cave...homeland of the 
Tcho-Tcho tribe...  She struggled through the Chinese text, grateful 
she'd taken it as her foreign language in college.  Then a particular 
passage caught Nodoka's eye.

Lurkadis: <mimicking passage> Yay! Let's play eyeball! <tosses it to Ushio>

Ushio: <catches it> Ugh. <tosses it to Tora>

<Tora catches it, blinks at it. It blinks back. Tora shrugs and eats it.>

	"That can't be right.  Can it?"  She read it again, carefully, 
and it still seemed to say the same thing.  A hope began to burn in her 
heart.

Lurkadis: You sure that wasn't just the extra wasabe you put on your sushi,
Nodoka?

	"Very well, Lucky-san.  I was given to understand you also have a 
map of the area?"
	"Sure do.  Made you up a copy, in case you wanted one.  But it'll 
cost you."
	"How much do you want?"  Nodoka hoped he wasn't too greedy.
	"A quick grope and a snuggle ought to do me."  

Lurkadis: Figures. All the -sai's tend to flock together....

Hikaru: <dryly> If that's the case, then are you sure your name isn't
really Lurkosai? 

Lurkadis: <smirks> Don't go there.

	"Yep, like two peas in a pod we are, 'cept I'm handsomer.  How is 
Happy, anyhow?"

Lurkadis: My guess is, he's Happy.

Hikaru, Tora, Ushio: <groan>

	"Comin', Kaachan!" he replied from the wall he'd been kicking.  

Hikaru: That's very productive...

	She brought out a tray of sweets, and led Ranma into the family 
room.  They seated themselves, and Nodoka waited while Ranma stuffed his 
first cake into his mouth.

Lurkadis: Ah, the Saotome technique. Get 'em while they're eating.

	"Well, I found out that the Tendou family has all sons, and 
normally that would mean there could be no marriage, because you'd both 
be boys.  The promise would be broken."
	Ranma looked puzzled.  "Boys can't marry each other?"

Lurkadis: <snicker> From anyone else but Ranma, that'd sound perverse...

Hikaru: Except maybe Gokuu...

Lurkadis: <piku> Yeah, that's true...<chuckles>

	"No.  It has to be a boy and a girl.  But I have wonderful news!  
There's a way you can become a girl, so the promise can be kept!"

Lurkadis: You ever notice that way parents have of delivering news they
know a kid ain't gonna like, to make it sound like the most fun thing in
the world? 

Hikaru: Un! "Hey, Ranma-chan! Guess what! We're going to turn you into a
little girl today! And after that, we'll go eat ice cream! Doesn't that
sound *fun*?"

Lurkadis: <rolls his eyes>

	"Ranma-chan, listen to me.  I know what I'm asking is hard for 
you, but it's to honor the promise your father made.  You want your 
father to be proud of you, don't you?"

Lurkadis: Ooh, that's hitting below the belt...

Tora: In more ways than one.

	Nodoka gently lay down the phone.  This was it then, she had 
committed herself and Ranma, no, *Ranko* to the honorable path.  
Everything was set in motion.
	At last, she could weep for her husband.

Lurkadis: <builds a dam> 

Hikaru, Tora, Ushio: <put on raincoats>

	"From that day forward, my life as a boy was over." 
	Kaneda sat in shock for a moment.  He knew that sometimes people 
did strange things in the name of honor.  But this, this was just plain 
bizarre.  

Lurkadis: No, <points at Tora> THAT's just plain bizarre. What happened to
Ranma is *sick*.

Tora: Yeah...<blinks> HEY! Who're you callin' bizarre, stone-boy?

	The guests were waiting at the small inn near the valley.  Two of 
them, beautiful women.  Well, actually the younger could be better 
described as "handsome".  The Guide told himself to stop thinking naughty 
thoughts, especially about a girl who might soon be something else 
entirely. 

Lurkadis: You all do realize, of course, that the Guide himself is actually
just a poor farmer's cow who fell in Nanniichuan...

Tora: O_O No way! 

Lurkadis: I swear, it's true.

	[Honored guests, are you sure you wish to visit Jyuusenkyo?  It 
is not a healthy place.]

Lurkadis: But since all the members of the Chinese Board of Health fell in
the Spring of Drowned Cockroach, come right on in!

	"I...I feel good.  Weird, but good."

Hikaru: <Ranko voice> I feel pretty, oh so pretty...

Lurkadis: <drops a stone gong on Hikaru>

Tora: <aside to Ushio> Hey...where th' hell is he gettin' all those things
anyway?

Ushio: <shrug> How should I know?

	The Guide stayed up all night waiting for the other shoe to 
drop.  

Lurkadis: Of course, he forgot to take it off his stinking foot, and ended
up going to bed with it on...

	"Yes.  Cold water allows me to assume my female form.  Hot water 
makes me male."  Ranko demonstrated with some of the bathwater.  Her 
towel slipped off at the transformation, and Kaneda noted with irrational 
jealousy that "Ranma" was better...built...than him.

Lurkadis: <shudder> Okay, that's a little sick.

Hikaru: <giggle>

	Forcing his temper down again, Kaneda asked, "Why the rope?" 

Tora: Musta been thinkin' of hangin' himself again.

	"I can't swim.  Never learned how.  Too many problems that might 
come up with changing and swimsuit accidents.  I had doctor's notes all 
through school to keep from having to undress in front of the other 
girls.  I had to learn gymnastics in loose sweats!"  She upended a basin 
of cold water and shrunk again.  "You have no idea how nice it is to 
finally be able to wear a bikini, and dump those falsies!" 
	"Uh...I guess not."

Lurkadis: I *hope* not.

Hikaru: <nod> Same here.

	"I have an idea."
	"Yes?"  Ranko batted her eyes at Kaneda.  Damn, but she was 
seductive!  Had her mind really been warped that far?  He hoped not.
	"Uh...it'll take some time to work out.  But I am not accepting 
this engagement, understand?"  He folded his arms and turned his head. 	

Lurkadis: Good plan. Stall.

	Nabiki was getting antsy.  She'd sent Kaneda down to the bathroom 
ages ago, and so far no screams, shouts or crashing noises.  He hadn't 
got distracted somehow, had he?

Hikaru: <Nabiki voice> Damn! He got distracted, and I didn't bug the
bathroom! The things I miss around here...

	Nabiki was easily able to avoid reacting to this, thanks to long 
practice at practical jokes.  She noticed the younger girl seemed more 
subdued than before.  Perhaps Kaneda had been rude to her, or Ranko had 
been more embarrassed when walked in on than Nabiki would have thought.  
Or she hadn't liked what she'd seen...nah, her brother was "average" in 
that respect.  This wasn't the first time he'd accidentally walked in on 
someone, after all.

Ushio: O_O Nabiki's got a dirty mind...

	"No!  Oyaji didn't even bother telling me anything about this 
until today!"  Kaneda's use of the impolite version of "Father" caused 
some concern among his family.  It indicated a major explosion coming 
on.  

Lurkadis: I take it explosion in this case would be in the literal sense...

	"My son is a bit headstrong.  He will come around," insisted 
Souun. 

Lurkadis: <opens his mouth...and Hikaru's sword is shoved into it>

Hikaru: Don't *even*.

	Kasumi was curious; that trip hadn't been mentioned before.  But 
she could find out more about it tomorrow.

Lurkadis: Uh-oh! Nodoka slipped a little there...

	Good-nights were said, and each person in the Tendou house became 
alone with their own thoughts.

Lurkadis: <has Hikaru's sword in his mouth again>

Hikaru: <smiles sweetly> You weren't going to say anything now, were you?

	Nabiki juggled possibilities in her head.  She liked the thought 
of having a little sister.  Her father tried to give her attention, but 
most of his time had to be spent on Kaneda, training him to take over the 
Dojo.  And Kasumi had moved into a role of not-quite-mother fairly early 
on.  Ranko could be someone to talk to about, well, girl things.

Lurkadis: <snicker> Oh man, just the *thought*...

	Hmm..."Mannequin wife," Kaneda had said.  That was it.  Nabiki 
knew that despite his popularity with the girls at school, Kaneda had 
hardly dated.  He always complained they were too "domestic", not someone 
to "have adventures with."  To use a Western metaphor, her brother didn't 
want a princess, but Maid Marian.

Tora: Maid who?

<Lurkadis gives Tora a brief high-speed description of Robin Hood and Maid
Marian>

Tora: <blinks> Whoa...cool! Hey, got anything about them on that,
whatsitcalled, video?

Ushio: <smirks> Ever since he figured out what a TV is, he's been hooked on
it...

	But Kaneda's adventure-story mindset might be just the thing to 
bring him around.  If he had to fight to save Ranko from danger, real or 
imagined, it would tend to make him see her as a love interest by 
association.  
	Nabiki smiled slyly.  She knew just the person to talk to 
tomorrow to start the ball rolling...

Lurkadis: <groans> Oh good grief...

	Oh, Mr. Panda, what am I going to do? she cried silently.  But 
the black and white toy had no wisdom to offer.

Lurkadis: Much like another certain panda...boy, talk about symbolic...

	Still...there was family honor.  There should be a way out, if 
only he could pull it off.  But in the meantime, he had to keep up the 
hostility, keep their parents from rushing a wedding.  Kaneda needed time 
to do what he had to do...

Lurkadis: Wonder what he's planning...

Lurkadis: Well, that ends this chapter of Ranko's Life S.

Tora: Good fic. 

Ushio: <nods> Different.

Lurkadis: Looking forward to the next one. For now, ja ne! <raises his
hand>

Tora: DAMMIT! NOT THAT STUPID FOG AGAIN--<hackcoughsplutter>

--------------------------------------------------------------------
-Lurkadis Lavenwers-

EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net

Estuans interius ira vehementi
Estuans interius ira vehementi
Sephiroth

Sors immanis
et inanis
Sors immanis
et inanis

veni veni venias
ne me mori facias
veni veni venias
ne me mori facias
Sephiroth
-------------------------------------------------------------------