Yikes. This fic was disturbing. o.o I haven't read to many fics in which
Ranma was killed... Akane, sure. Akane dies all the time. But not Ranma.
o.o And, also, it wasn't an "Oh, I really DID love Ranma! ;.;" kind of
fic... it was even better. Yikes. o.o

Anyway, on with the C&C... sorry if this sounds like nit-picking, or
too-exhaustively C&Cing a shortfic... but I'm in the mood for a long C&C,
and that doesn't happen often. :) So bear with a novice, ok? n.-

On Thu, 30 Oct 1997, Christopher Angel wrote:

***********************

Ranma was dead.  It wasn't a great death, the kind you hear about in
tales.  It wasn't a death for other's sake.  No, it was a small,
meaningless death, the kind of death that makes you shake as you realize
how fragile human beings really are.  Even martial artists.

Somehow, when I read this, I got the impression that it was the other way
around... that it WAS a death of other's sake, but that it -wasn't- a
small meaningless death. I don't know why my brain switched the words
around like that.... oh, well. I'm an odd fellow.

*** 

It was a normal morning at the Tendo household.  Ranma was sparring with
his father while the Tendos ate at the table.  Akane paused from her
eating to watch the spar, and snickered as Ranma fell into the pool.

Yeesh. You would think that she would feel bad afterwards at least about
-snickering- at him, wouldn't you? o.o
 

His father landed at the side of the pond and laughed at his son.  After a
moment, he started yelling Ranma's name.  He jumped into the pool, going
panda, pulled onna-Ranma out and put her down.

Hmm... it's a little unclear here that Genma saw Ranma's broken neck... it
looks at first as though he's just attacking her again. I had to re-read
it twich.

Onna-Ranma's neck was bent at an unnatural angle.  Genma-panda knelt 
beside the body and wept.

;.; ... but maybe a bit more description would be nice here? Of course,
that could take away the feeling of abruptness... I don't know. Use your
own judgement. :D

[snip]
 

Shampoo, who was crying as she had for days before. Mousse stood
protectively beside her, his face grim.  He constantly looked sideways at
her, like he wanted to touch her, but resisted.  Akane could almost read
his mind.  *I hated you, Saotome, but Shampoo loved you.  I see that now. 
As much as I wanted to be the one she loved, I won't be the kind of man
who takes advantage of a grieving woman.*

Akane sensed all that? Perceptive girl. >;)

I would phrase that in a different way... in terms of the -things- that
Akane sensed. For instance: "Akane could almost read his mind. He had
hated Saotome, but Shampoo had loved him, and he was able to see that
now..." etc. :)
 

Kodachi was stiff, and proper, as was her brother beside her.  Neither had
said anything, before or after, recognizing that no matter what their
feelings for Ranma or the others here, this was not the time.

That's a very powerful image... one who loved him, and one who hated
him... but restraining themselves. I like it.

[snip]
 

Ranma's father merely stared at the tomb, unblinking, constantly mouthing
the words "My son.  I killed my son."

Wow. I hadn't realized that until this point. Just... wow.

[snip]

***

Akane sat in the park after the funeral, trying to sort out her feelings. 
*I should be grieving.  My fiancee died!*  She paused, and thought about
that.  Was Ranma ever really her fiancee?  Akane shook her head in
negation.  No, fiancees don't act the way he did.  Ranma may have been
engaged to her, but she never loved him.

Like I said, this is the sort of revelation that we -need- to see in a
darkfic like this... that Akane -didn't- love Ranma. >;)

[snip]
 

"I think so, Ryouga-kun," she said, and chuckled softly, turning away. 
"It's weird.  I should feel unhappy.  Sad.  Something.  But I only feel
relief.  Ranma's gone, and I'm kind of glad.  My life is easier now."

That's so... mean! o.o
 

Ryouga, for his part, was overcome with an anger and depression he had
never felt before.  He was finally seeing the real Akane for the first
time, and what he saw sickened him.  "You BITCH," he growled, his voice
hoarse with anger.  "Your fiancee, my best damn friend is dead, and you're
GLAD?"  He started to shake, and with effort controlled himself.  "What
kind of monster are you?  Didn't you care for him at all?"

I'm not quite sure why Ryouga classifies Ranma as his best friend... but I
supposed it made sense. Ranma never hated Ryouga of course, and there is
occasionally a bit of friendship when they're together... and, of course,
Ryouga doesn't have very many friends. >;)
 

Akane felt herself growing angry.  "I never loved that perverted baka!  He
was always mean to me, he never respected me at all, he was always chasing
after other women, he..."

Yeesh. Just as petty as always. o.o
 

"HE LOVED YOU!" Ryouga roared, overriding Akane's words.  "Why do you
think he fought for you all those times?  He ruined all those dates
because he was jealous.  He watched over you as you slept.  He followed
you every time you went jogging.  Ranma's entire world revolved around
you!  Every second of every day he had to prevent himself from screaming
it out!"

Mm... well, I'm not sure that it really went -that- far... are you
exaggerating a little bit for the sake of the fic? 
 
[snip!]

Ryouga just stared at her in amazement.  "You never understood, did you? 
You still don't."  He turned, so she couldn't see the tears falling from
his face.  "Ranma was my best damn friend.  That's why I chased him. 
That's why I fought against, and with him.  Hell, I even agreed to help
your parents get the two of you together, because I thought you two cared
about each other."  He paused.  "I see that it was one way."  He turned
and glared at Akane, the hatred smouldering in his eyes.  "I'm glad
Ranma's dead now, because even death is better than a life with a monster
like you, Akane."

Again, are you adding anything? I'm just wondering... :)

With that, he turned, and walked away.  Akane stared after him, her anger
receeding as the words he said hit her.  "Ranma...loved me?"  

Finally, the tears began to come.

Wow. o.o First Ranma dies, then Ryouga hates her, then she finds out that
Ranma -did- love her... again, all I can say is wow.


I would appreciate it if someone (most likely you, Chris. >;) would give
me a reply of some kind on this C&C... I'm not sure if it's appropriate,
and I'm a little nervous as to whether I come off sounding like an idiot
or not. Thanks. :) 


"Common Sense is what tells you that the Earth is flat."
Adam Conover
dconover@garnet.acns.fsu.edu
http://garnet.acns.fsu.edu/~dconover/main.html
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