Yes I know I said the last chapter (chapter 5) was unfinished but I've just
decided to leave it there and start a new chapter. Sorry for all the
trouble! ^_^

Ranma 1/2 - All mixed up 

Disclaimer: The extremely funny and unique characters belong and are
copyrighted to the talanted and humourous Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
Communications, Shogakukan Inc. and other such clever companies who know
something good when they see it (ie, Ranma 1/2).

Just 'e' me if you've missed any parts at....  stroma@globalnet.co.uk 
OR if there's no reply, try...  eve147@hotmail.com   
I have no hompage since I'm no good at all those webby sorta things you
have to be good at to build a webpage. : ) 

With thanks to Krista Perry, Andrew M. Petalik, Rilian, Emily Siazon,
SlayerNext, Soren Smith, Theodore Sommer, Lashawn M. Taylor (along with
"R&R" ^_^ ) and anyone else whom my -- often as bad as Ryoga's directional
sense -- memory can't remember, thankyou! 

(XXX) = actions/description       
<XXX> = Chinese (mandarin, I think, whatever the Chiness Amazons speak)
~XXX~ = sound effects       
[XXX] = signs (mostly Genma-panda)

Chapter 6: The truth will out! 
-By Harper-
(Yes I do watch the X-Files : )


(Ranma stands googly-eyed and his eyes are all glazed over. His body seems
to be fighting an inward battle with Cologne's Amazon "tea" and the old
Nabiki would just kill to get some photos of him doing involuntary Jim
Carrey impressions as, at the moment, his face looks like it has just eaten
a "meal" created by Akane.)

Cologne: <you have no right to get involved! You are still regarded as an
outsider.>
Man in black: <I've lived in that village since I was 17! Even if it was
against my will...>
Cologne: <No-one forced you to marry my daughter, no gun was held to your
head.>
Man in Black: (bitter) <that's because I was drugged up and ready to go!
Married to a warrior widow with two kids _twice_ my age! And when I
recovered it was too late to come back to Japan, to my home!! I had a
family, y'know? A girlfriend, too... > (sighs sadly)
Cologne: <we've had this conversation many times before and it's getting
rather old. Go back to the village, Rosuke Saotome, it's too late for you
to make amends for your past.>
Man in Black (now Rosuke):  <I'm here to help my nephew, Genma, and his
son! I won't let you use this old trick of the so-called "spiritual cloud"
to hook another unsuspecting young kid... (spits it out)
"mother-in-law..."> 
Cologne: (points towards a recovering Ranma) (smug) <You failed. When this
boy wakes up, he will fall in love with my miraculously cured
great-grandaughter and out of love with that Tendo girl. And everyone's too
busy to notice, quite convenient really. (smirks) There's nothing you can
do now.
Rosuke: (under breath) (in native Japanese) or so you think, crone. (speeds
across the room, Cologne tries to intercept him but he's too quick and
she's unprepared and he throws her over to the pot of strange boiling
liquid from where the "tea" came from. She twists mid air and misses the
pot, diving towards him but Rosuke is already gone and taps her on the
back. He has an inane grin on his face.) Too late, Cologne, you taught me
too well...
Cologne: no jokes, Rosuke. What have you done?
Rosuke: who me... joke?
Voice: Ranma! There you are, I was worried about you, my love! You were
taking so long!
Cologne & Rosuke: (twist round to see who has entered the kitchen without
them noticing) who?
Cologne: Akane! Why hello, young girl.
Akane: (rushes up to a motionless Ranma and shakes) dear Ranma, what's
wrong? Speak to me!!
Ranma: (blinks awake) uh? Wha--? I... (shakes head) (focuses) H-hello
Akane!
Cologne: <watch Rosuke, as the purple rain drink kicks in and he rejects
her.> 
Rosuke: (strangely OK about all this)  <I'm watching...>
Ranma: (stands still for a moment as the drug takes it's effect) Akane...
Akane...
Akane: yes?
Ranma: (on his knee, holds her hand) fair maiden, will you marry me? I love
you dearly!
Akane: (stars in her eyes and dreams of a romantic wedding and honeymoon)
(holds her hand to her heart) oh yes, my Ranma!
Cologne: <WHAT?!> 
Ranma: my heart leaps at your acceptance! (sings beautifully) The earth
hath never seen a star such as you tonight, so beautiful, balletic in grace
and bright! You shall have all that you desire, for you set my lowliest
heart on fire! Harsh words will never reach thine ear as thou art my one
and only dear!
Akane: how beautiful! (giggles softly)

(Ranma sweeps Akane up into his arms and dashes out  of the kitchen.)

Cologne: < (to Rosuke) ...you! He shouldn't be reacting like this, he's
only had a small, weak dose!>
Rosuke: <wrong there, old mummy, he's had a much higher, more concentrated
dose of that "purple rain" than you think... doubly more concentrated. He
probably couldn't care less about Shampoo now.>
Cologne: <such impudence from an outsider! No more! (tries to move but
can't) What have you done to me?>
Rosuke: <that little tap on your shoulder had a slow paralysing effect on
you.>
Cologne: <the right shoulder is the wrong place for such a technique! It
shouldn't work.> (tries unsuccessfully to move)
Rosuke: (smug) <that's because it's a male Amazonian technique which even
"outsiders" like me can learn. And now you're going to get a taste of your
own medicine, mother-in-law. (shakes an empty mug at her, scoops some
liquid out of the boiling pot, kneels down and dangles it over Cologne's
head) Ha-ha! Now tell me the cure, you dried up old mummy or become a
weak-willed submissive woman who likes nothing better than to cook and
clean for her _man_.>
Cologne: <you never did mature, it's uncanny how much you and groom are
alike.>
Rosuke: <I never gotta chance to mature in any way; force-feeding me
obscure and out-dated Amazon martial arts techniuqes like I was some sorta
drone! This is where it ends, ghoul.... now answer me!>
Cologne: <I will never submit to a man, especially an outsider.>
Rosuke: <a stubborn old bat to the end. Now here's the end!>

(Cologne says nothing as Rosuke splashes the mixture all over her. She
stays completely still as the inevitable change wrecks havoc on her
Amazonian born-and-bred personality.) 

Rosuke: so Cologne..?
Cologne: (comes out of temporary stupor) yes honourable sir, how may I help
you?
Rosuke: some ramen... now woman!! I don't have all day!
Cologne: (nods head and scurries off) yes sir, yes sir. (trips over stick
and clumsily knocks over some ingredients!
Rosuke: idiot woman! (thinks) Man, this is fun!
Cologne: sorry most honorable guest. (stands at kitchen counter for a few
minutes randomly chucking in ingredients) hmmm.... what should I add?
Vinegar. White wine. What's this..? Mayonaisse? Sounds interesting. (cooks
for a while longer while Rosuke stands and watches with a permanent grin. A
burning smell emanates from the oven.) Oh my! I left ramen in oven for too
long! So sorry! (removes bowl with bare hands) Aaah! Too hot! (drops it)

~Smash!~

Cologne: (covered in what was supposed to be ramen) oh dearie me! (sweeps
pieces of the floor) Aaah, my back! 
Rosuke: (teasing) typical female, always messing things up!
Cologne: you right there, ever since my darling Shaving Foam passed away, I
have been poor woman. I need strong man to help old woman such as me.
Happy, where you go, my new love?  
Voice Unfortunately Not From Afar: here, Cologne-chan!!! (smashes through
window and doesn't notice) (bounds over to a lovestruck Cologne) (still in
tux, holding a bunch of withered flowers) Happy's back!
Rosuke: (thinks) do I hate the old bat _that_ much? Is it possible to hate
someone that much?

(Cologne and Happosai embrace and are about to kiss when...)

Rosuke: alright, she's gone! I'm convinced!! (runs out of the kitchen, and
out of the Cafe, desperstely trying not to be sick)   
Happosai: my dear Cologne! (puckers lips)

~Wham!~
~Whack!~
~Kerrang!~
~Extremely painful noises of things the men on this Fanfiction list do
_not_ want to know about!~


(Happosai is extremely unconscious and is lying in the corner of the
kitchen with various sharp and blunt instruments scattered around him and
on (well, technically, _in_ ...) him. Cologne is looking smug but angry
too.)

Cologne: (thinks) <of all of the horrors I've had to endure in my life, I
think this rates very highly in that list. (shivers at memory) What I have
to go through to help my Shampoo? That foolish Rosuke didn't think that I
would leave myself so vulnerable to the mind-altering drug, did he? He was
easi;y fooled by my weakling act, though.> (pulls out small bag out of
seemingly nowhere, tips the contents onto her hands. They are the
preventative pills Rosuke gave Ranma earlier. Pops another one into her
mouth) 
Happosai: (croaks) darling Cologne...

~wham!~

Cologne: (picks up her new titanium-reinforced cane and straightens it)
looks like I'll have to go deal with the new mess Rosuke has caused, then.
It should take a few hours, at the most. (bounces off, leaving a way, way
out-of-it Happosai in the floor.)

(Leaving the troubled Cat Cafe, the metaphorical camera zooms down the main
streets, twistng and curving past the lunacy of the crazed Nerima -- Dr.
Tofu and Kasumi fighting violently over a packet of cigarettes; Pantyhose
Taro trying on a pink dress inscribed with his name; Ukyo staging an
impromptu Marilyn Manson-style street gig in honour of Ranma and
anti-totalitarianism; Nabiki collecting for a charity that isn't in aid of
herself; Kodachi playing with her My Little Pony dolls; Gosunkugi
streetfighting against Akari -- till we finally come across the Tendo Dojo
which is being covered in wedding banners by an unaffected Soun. 
    Sneaking a peak inside, through the porch, we see Akane and Ranma
getting ready for their wedding, having already rung Kuno and asked him to
come over and perform the ceremony. Ranma soon finishes getting ready and
starts reading a Dosteyievsky novel for a break.) 

Akane: (coming down the stairs in her wedding Kimono with Ranma's happy
gaze over her fom down below.) Oh darling! What do you think? 
Ranma: you look like the most wondrous goddess on this earthly plane of
existence!! Why thou ever chose such a worthless gentleman as me, I will
never know!!!  (violins start in the background)
Akane: (giggles) you have such a way with words, my love! 

~Knock-knock~

Akane: who could that be? Dear Ranma, would you get it please, I wouldn't
want to dirty my beautiful dress.
Ranma: anything for you! (rushes to the door dramitically and opens it)
Rosuke: hello, you don't know me but I'm a relative. My name's Rosuke
Saotome. (bows)
Ranma: (bows back) it is a great honour to have such a brave warrior as you
in my humble abode. Do, please come in. 
Rosuke: you know me?
Ranma: why yes! I remember often a night when my delightful father
recounted the tragic but ultimately heroic story of war, honour, destiny
and a love that could never be!!
Rosuke: uh yeah. (thinks) What have I done to this kid?! He's beginning to
remind me of that pervert I knew in high school, whassisname...
something... Kuno? (walks into the living room just as Soun finished
putting decorations out the back and is now inside too.) Who are you? Are
you Mr. Tendo?
Soun: (interrupted form his reverie) yes and who are you?
Rosuke: I --
Ranma: this mighty warrior is my great-uncle, Rosuke Saotome!
Rosuke: "great-uncle"... did I really need to be reminded 'bout that?
Jeesh! 
Soun: ahh, Mr. Saotome, is an honour to have you attend my daughters
wedding! (Thinks) ..Finally!
Rosuke: it is? (thinks) Doesn't he know the shameful truth? Or is he
drugged as well? (thinks) Look, Mr. Tendo, there's something you have to
know before you let this marriage go ahead...
Soun: what? Oh no, not again! Can't anything go right for me?! (Starts
blubbering incoherently) (faints)
Rosuke: wow, this purple rain has really had a bad effect on your father,
Akane!
Akane: rain? My daddy hasn't been out all day. He's always been a little
over emotional.
Rosuke: huh, really. Well, when he recovers, we'll talk. In the mean time,
you couldn't delay the wedding thing for a few hours, ne? (thinks) Or,
until I find a cure.... Preventative pills are nothing if you're already
gone. 

~click~
~Fwsssh~

Cologne: (sweeps in out of nowhere) I think I can arrange that.
Permenantly.
Rosuke: Cologne?! But I --
Cologne: fool... With the body of a grandfather and the heart of a
teenager. You had such potential too.
Rosuke: the game's not over yet, grandma... You're outnumbered, for a
start.
Akane: what's going on, here? Rosuke? Elder Cologne?
Cologne: (ignores her) Oh, I wouldn't say that, would I...

~Rumble~
~Wham!~
~Crumble~
(A part of the wall collapses and a figure emerges from the dust clutching
a bonbori.)

Cologne: ...Shampoo?
Shampoo: (furious) (back in old chinese clothing) Shampoo kill Akane for
drugging me, and making me wear grey cardigan (shudders inwardly at
memory), in order to snare darling Ranma away from Shampoo! Kill! (runs
towards a terrified Akane)
Rosuke: Ranma! Help your fiancee! Ranma? Where'd he go? (looks at trail of
dust gathering out towards the back garden) Coward. (hits head) Gah! I'm
such a short-sighted idiot sometimes!
Akane: Ranma! Where are you? Please help me!
Shampoo: (advancing on Akane) (very angry) Akane pay for mistake!
Rosuke: no! (moves but can't) unh!! You old ghoul...! You did this!
Cologne: yes, it's an old _female_ Amazon technique. Now I'll save Akane if
you agree to my terms...!

End of chapter 6...

I don't know if the next chapter will be the last but it should be pretty
darn well near it! ^_^
Absolutely _any_ kind of C&C wanted. I'm not fussy in the least and it's
all very much appreciated!!! Even from the characters themselves....