Subject: [EVA][fanfic] I Mustn't Run Away (also in response to Elsa's challenge)
From: Andrew Huang
Date: 10/30/1997, 9:13 PM
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
CC: eva ml <evangelion@tr.ml.org>

	Sorry if you were expecting more of NGEjd. I'm working on it,
really I was! But I just _had_ to write this. I wouldn't be able to sleep
if I didn't. Like I said, this is also in response to Elsa Bibat's
challenge to write a fic around the bit that was posted to the FFML 
yesterday. Enjoy, and tell me what you think.


  Elsa Bibat made this little challenge, you see, to include a few
select paragraphs that she had written into a fic--any series, any
characters, as long as it contained those lines. (I'll be demarcating
them, so that you know which lines they were.) This had been just after
I had made a few inquiries about Shinji-Asuka fics, and those lines just
screamed at me....
  As it turned out, it became much longer than it might have been. This
story is set before, during, and after the attack of the 15th Angel.
Spoilers inherent, and you have to be familiar with that Angel to know
what's going on.... In other words, this diverges around the 22nd
episode, I think. Correct me if that's wrong.

************************************************
  An Oddzilla Productions fanfic, by Andrew Huang.
  I Mustn't Run Away.
  Based on Neon Genesis Evangelion, c. Gainax Studios and ADVision.
************************************************

  We were out of food.

  And I most certainly did _not_ want Misato shopping for groceries. 
Somehow, Asuka and I had agreed on that, and she decided to accompany
me. It seemed a good idea at the time.... But so many things seem to be
good ideas at first. 

  "Why don't we ever go get some _normal_ food? You know, like...oh, of
course you wouldn't know what normal food is. All this rice must go
straight to your head...."

  It all continued through our trip to the store, through the store,
through the checkout line--the whole time. Dammit, she can be so
annoying.

  I tried to tune her out. Really I did. Think about the stars, the
clouds, the silvery moonlight....

[Begin pre-written part]
  It was probably the moonlight. Moonlight they say affects people in a
weird way. Especially on a full moon. So that must be it. 

  She was whining again beside me as we walked back home. I turned to
tell her to shut up. Then I stopped. The light from the full moon
played on her hair as she also stopped to look at me and continued her
nagging. I didn't listen to her, all I could think about was how
beautiful she looked in the moonlight. I moved towards her. She was
waved a hand before my eyes.

  "Hellooo? Anyone home?" she asked as I moved towards her. Then I put
my hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer. 

  "Hey! What are you mmmpphhh!" she said as I kissed her on the mouth. 
[End prewritten part]

  Somehow, I still remember the details. I felt her muscles go extremely
tense. I felt her moist lips trembling a bit against my own. I felt her
hair brushing against my face slightly. I felt her heartbeat suddenly
quicken.... 

  I also heard the plastic bag of groceries, the one that had been
dangling in her right hand, go *crash* on the ground. That broke the
spell. I suddenly remembered where I was. More importantly, I suddenly
realized where I was relative to Asuka. I think my own surprise then was
at least as great as her when I'd first kissed her.

  I must have been possessed.

  I stepped back, looking at her face, illuminated by the moonlight. On
her pretty features, shadowed just a bit by her long hair, I saw the
tail end of her shock and surprise, saw it change to a bit of reddish
embarassment, and then suddenly to anger.  But there had--

  *slap*

  "You pervert," Asuka hissed. She picked up her bag and ran off back to
the apartment complex. I gathered myself enough to pick up my bag of
food--I had dropped mine somewhere along the way, too, it seemed--
absently rubbing the spot on my cheek where her palm had connected. 

  But what was that...that touch of terrible sadness that had flashed on
her face, between the embarassment and anger?

  I began to run after her.

------------------------------------------------

  Dinner passed most uncomfortably. Asuka refused to look at me, I
remember. How I managed to realize that was strange, because it seemed
like I couldn't bring myself to look at her, either.

  Misato was drunk, though, so that was okay. I don't think she noticed
a thing, including how badly she had cooked the vegetables.

  The rest of the night was much the same--a general avoidance of each
other on both our parts, and nonstop mulling over what had happened...on
my part, at least. I eventually found my way to bed, evidently after
watching some TV and finishing some homework--and I swear I don't
remember doing either thing.

  I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, seeing Asuka's face as she had
stood there, in the moonlight, just before I kissed her. And I saw that
instant of deep melancholy that had danced across her features, so
quickly....

  I was going to be an absolute basketcase in the morning. I hate not
being able to sleep. It certainly wasn't coming now, either. Finally, I
decided to get this over with, and go to talk with Asuka. I figured that
she had to be as bothered by this as I was. I was hoping she was, at
least.

  Stealthily, I crept out of my room, past Misato's--her light was still
on, so I had to be careful--and arrived at Asuka's door. I gave a
surreptitious knock, more intent on keeping my passage secret from
Misato than alerting Asuka to my presence. I opened the door and walked
in.

  "Asuka," I began, "we gotta tal...."

  She was asleep.

  I stared. After something as momentous that kiss, and she had the
peace of mind to sleep? Perhaps I was being a little egotisical, but a
slightly irrational anger took over me. Goddammit, how did she get over
that so easily? Looked like she was comfortable enough to not stay up
and agonize over stuff. Fine, if you care so little about it all, then I
won't care either. I stiffly turned to go out the door.

  "No..." whimpered a voice behind me.

  The word "no" can be extremely powerful, whether shouted in a
commanding tone of voice or just barely whispered. Sometimes, though, it
is the whisper that is more powerful.

  Asuka whimpered in her sleep again.

  Memories of one night long ago flashed through my mind. I had almost
kissed her then. "Mama," she had whispered, and a single tear had crept
out of her eye. She was just a child. Just a child....

  How remarkably inconvenient. I had been ready to stalk back to my room
in righteous indignation and get some rest, and here she had to go,
giving me a need to stay. I should have been slightly miffed.

  I gently stepped my way through her small piles of clothes and nudged
a college-level physics book out of the way, and sat down cross-legged
next to her bed. She was lying on her side, hands clasping her thin
blanket to her chest. I could see the drying trail of a tear that had
run along her cheek and looked to have soaked into a lock of her hair,
rakishly draped over her face. Again, she whispered, "No...." She had
that inexplicably sorrowful look on her face, though somewhat subdued.

  I'll stay until her nightmare is over, I remember thinking. I'd watch
over her for that, then I'd go back to bed. I reached over and gently
flipped the strands of hair back over her shoulder. She moved suddenly,
scaring me half to death, but remained asleep. I sat back again, staring
at this face so innocent, so beautiful, so vulnerable. I was suddenly
mesmerized again.

  Then again, it was probably that I fell asleep, because the next thing
I knew, an alarm was ringing loudly. I was groggy--for a moment. I very
quickly realized my position: sitting in Asuka's bedroom while she had
been sleeping. I tried to jump up and run out while I still had the
chance, but as luck would have it, both my legs had fallen asleep.

  An arm reached out of the mass of pillow, blanket, chestnut-colored
hair, and pajamas to smash down on the alarm clock. She had apparently
rolled over during the night; with the clock being closer to me than the
wall that she now faced, the strike wasn't quite on target and knocked
the timepiece off the nightstand--and right into my face.

  "Ow!"

  Oops.

  The mass of cloth and hair pushed itself apart to reveal a still
sleepy Asuka, who turned too look at me. She blinked. And she blinked
again.

  I imagine that my face was locked into a rictus of horrified panic.

  She spoke slowly, as if trying to figure out whether or not this was
still a dream. "Is that you, Shinji?"

  I croaked, not finding my voice for a few seconds. Finally I gave up
and simply nodded. Somewhere along the way, I realized that there was
blood returning to my legs. The prickling sensations added to my, well,
discomfort, as it was.

  Still speaking slowly, but perhaps more like in a manner meant to
pacify a possibly dangerous animal, she asked, "Why are you in here?"

  My panic was rising at a constant rate. It looked like she was
becoming more and more awake with every passing moment. I managed to
clear my throat adequately to answer. "Wanted...wanted to talk to
you...you were asleep. Having...having a nightmare. I, I couldn't
leave." Repeating the first word of every sentence, eh? I was at least
as nervous as the time that I had stumbled on Ayanami that time. I also
wasn't sure if saying that much was a good idea, but what else could I
do?

  A look of slight surprise washed over her face, followed by some
embarassment, ending in anger...and again flitting through that visage
of incredible forlornness. What could that possibly be?

  My musings were cut off by a pillow to the face.

  "GET OUT!" she shouted. I obeyed, scrambling on all fours, stubbing a
toe on her physics book, knocking her clothes all over the place, and
finally making it out the door. I shut it behind me with a gasp for air.
Air? I must have been holding my breath.... Behind me, I could hear her
snap out at me, "I don't need you or your sympathy!"

  This was not a good start to the day.

------------------------------------------------

  I still wonder about that night.

  Sure, I had felt attracted to her in the past. She was the prettiest
girl in the whole class.... But she was so annoying, too. Always so
superior....

  But when she was nice, she could be very nice.

  And when she was vulnerable, she was so very vulnerable.

  And I couldn't leave her, could I?

  I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away....

  What about the kiss? We had kissed once before, and for the most part,
that had been really unpleasant. And of course, she had to pinch my nose
shut because my breathing was tickling her. Yeh, let me turn blue so she
wouldn't feel uncomfortable. So why did I kiss her? I mean, this is me
that I'm talking about. Ikari Shinji. I know I don't have a history of
great bravery in any and all things. Why?

  I still don't know.

------------------------------------------------

  I stared at the monitors in an impotent fury. That Angel was attacking
Asuka's mind, and I couldn't do anything. Father wouldn't release the
freeze on Unit 01.

  "NO! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THOSE THINGS! I WANT TO FORGET!"

  Her words, coming through the comm, hammered into my head. I was so
angry, I felt like vomiting. I couldn't do anything. Dammit, I couldn't
do anything!

  "Don't look into my mind...STOP!! STOP!!!"

  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was crying from sheer rage.
It's hurting her, and I can't do anything. Had to avoid the chance of
Unit 01 being contaminated, Father said.

  How I hate him sometimes. How I hate myself sometimes.

  The only reason that I wasn't going after Father to force him to let
me go was that he allowed Rei to do get something called the Lancea
Longini or something, to take care of the Angel.

  I saw Unit 00' come out of the ground, holding a two-pronged spear,
and taking up a position slightly behind Unit 02. I then realized that
Asuka had gone strangely quiet. I suddenly felt like I was being
strangled.

  Rei readied the spear, and leaned back to put as much force into the
throw as possible.

  Without warning, Unit 02 wrenched itself out of the beam of light
shining down from the Angel and ran straight to Unit 00', reaching for
the spear. I think my heart stopped again. Was it Asuka, or was it...
the Angel?

  My answer came when Unit 02 grabbed the spear, turned around, sighted
for a few moments along the light, and threw.

  Bullseye.

  I almost choked on my own breath.

------------------------------------------------

  "Asuka...."

  I carefully approached her, ducking underneath the yellow "Police Line
-- Do Not Cross" tape that surrounded the area.

  "I'm glad you're okay, Asuka."

  No answer. She was sitting on the ground, legs pulled up to her chest,
arms wrapped around her shins, and chin resting on her knees. She was
rocking back and forth slightly.

  "Asuka?"

  No response. No sound, no indication that she realized I was there. If
anything, she only rocked back and forth harder.

  The old instincts took over, and I turned to walk away.

  I heard her breathe in shakily. It wasn't your ordinary indrawn
breath, it was one with complex harmonics to it, ones that said, "this
was almost a sob, you know," little waveforms of sound that crept into
your brain through your ears, following the neurons in, deeper and
deeper, until it found that thing which justified a person in calling
him or herself "human" instead of being just another animal on this good
green Earth, and yanked on it, hard.

  I MUSTN'T RUN AWAY I MUSTN'T RUN AWAY I Mustn't Run Away I Mustn't Run
Away I mustn't run away i mustn't run away

  I won't run away.

  I walked back to her--she was still rocking back and forth--and
stopped right next to her. Taking a breath and steeling myself for what
would probably happen, I grabbed her by the upper left arm, managing to
keep a grip on the slick red plugsuit, and hauled her roughly to her
feet.

  I wanted to be gentle, but I don't think that would have accomplished
anything.

  "Asuka!" I grabbed her by both shoulders and shook her. "Wake up! You
have to wake up!"

  Her blank faced changed. I don't mean she just shifted expressions, I
could positively see something in her eyes _change_. But yeah, her
expression did shift, too. Again--surprise, then embarassment, then the
hint of numbing sadness, and anger. I prepared myself for a slap.

  It didn't come. The tears did, though.

  The sadness returned to her face, in full force. It hurt me just to
look at her face. The sum of years of repressed torment were there, in
one moment, in one place. I almost started crying myself. It was that
powerful.

  "Oh, Shinji," she whispered. "Shinji, Shinji, I'm so sorry...."

  And suddenly I found my arms full of trembling, weeping female. She
was repeating, "I'm so sorry," over and over.

  I attempted a soothing voice; I hoped it worked. "It's all right, it's
all right...I'm here, I won't go anywhere...." I felt her body going
limp, and gently knelt down to the ground. Her legs collapsed beneath
her, and she leaned heavily on me. "I'm here." I stroked her hair,
holding her tight, letting her head rest against my shoulder. I could
feel the tears soaking through my shirt, but I didn't mind.

  Her words were coming out in a torrent. "I saw I saw my mom I didn't
want to but it kept looking and I couldn't get away it was bad I wanted
to die didn't want to be saved by her I wanted to die die but I...." 

  At any other time, perhaps this would have been too much for me to
handle. Funny, how strength seems to find you out of nowhere.

  "...I saw you and I didn't want to die anymore oh Shinji I'm so sorry
so sorry...."

  Still, it did take me off guard.

  I fumbled a bit for some words. "I'm here, Asuka. I won't leave you
alone...I'll take care of you. I care about you." And it was true.

  It was like magic; her gasps grew smaller and smaller; eventually her
breathing calmed. I continued to hold her, feeling her heartbeat against
my chest...or was it my own heart? I couldn't tell, didn't care. She was
all right.

  After a while, I realized that she had fallen asleep. Taking great
care, I gingerly shifted her in my arms, hooked a hand under her knees,
and genly picked her up. She seemed amazingly light.

  It wouldn't matter how much she weighed, I would have carried her out
of Hell if I had to.

  Her head rested against my shoulder, still, and I looked at her
sleeping face. So innocent. So beautiful. So vulnerable.

  And not sad. The corners of her lips turned up just the slightest bit.

  She was just a child. And so was I.

  I mustn't run away....

  No, not "mustn't". I _won't_ run away. Will not.

  I will not run away, because I don't want to run away.

  Hang in there, Asuka. I'm taking you home.

  I turned to go, ducking under the yellow tape--no easy task, but I
managed to do it without waking her up, which was the important thing,
and strode back to headquarters. I could see Misato coming out of the
nearest door.

  Well, Misato-san, your roommates have come upon a revelation in their
lives....

End.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

  It was draining to write this. Very muchly so. But I'm glad I did it. 
Besides, I wasn't able to sleep the night before I wrote this, because
of this. The idea just wouldn't leave me alone.

  I hope I can sleep now.


>From Andrew Huang, brought to you by his computer, Oddzilla
Oddzilla says, "Mmmmm...Evanjellydonut...."
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
Harvard Anime Society, Secretary