HCobb, you bespoke:

From: "Keith g. Wood" <kwood%Helena@metnet.mt.gov>
El-Hazard: Another Night, Another Dream

Red mists swirled about and threatened to engulf Shayla-Shayla as she

wande=

red through the haunted dreamscape of her subconcious.  Tepid air

swarmed o=

ver her body, invading her lungs.  She coughed, gasped, inhaled more

of the=

foul breeze.  It smelled as though some animal had died and had been

rotti=

ng for some time.

There are some problems here.  First air doesn't swarm, the particles

are

too small to be perceived as a swarm.  Perhaps you'd be better off

taking

a single metaphor and developing it.

any suggestions?

Worried eyes scanned the dark horizon

Whose eyes?  (Yes I know they're hers but you don't come out an admit
this.  Think POV.  Place yourself there and think how you'd feel.)

hmm.  i'll try that.

Shayla shook her head as if trying to dislodge a troublesome thought

>from h=

er mind.

Week and wordy.  Write a shorter sentence from her POV.

what's so wordy about it?  everyone who preread for me seemed to like that
line.

It was a happiness that was never meant to last.

And this isn't needed at all.

Jill's suggestion was "But happiness is just a caustic joke of fate."  too
wordy or still unnecessary?

be as brutal as you like

You should be more so.  The best way to start is to show us the shot
between the eyes from the perspective of those eyes.

once again, got any suggestions?  third person isn't my strong POV.

and thanx for the input.

elsetime,
nem0

Mr. O'Neil: Let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality.
Daria: You mean the one where people walking down the stree burst into
flames?
Visit the all-new DreamLand!
<=http://www.angelfire.com/mt/dland/index.html=>
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