This is neat. I didn't even have to say anything. :)
Sean Connor (sec@frodo.com) wrote:
On Tue, Oct 28, 1997 at 12:16:57AM +0000, Gary Kleppe wrote:
On Mon, 27 Oct 1997 10:51:02 -0500 (EST), Lara Bartram
<lara@emunix.emich.edu> wrote:
The writing and dialog read okay as far as I can tell, and I liked the
fact that this doesn't automatically treat Ukyo and Ryoga as the Couple
of Destiny.
Agreed - 110%
I don't believe in throwing together characters without a reason. It may
not be a good or logical or sane reason, but I do believe in reasons.
The main problem with this, IMO, is that it desperately cries out to be
expanded in several places:
*bap*
"Oh, I was just getting my life together. Putting things into
perspective. Cleaning myself up." This was as good a time as any. If
I didn't explain, he would only treat me like a bug sharing his lunch.
That I didn't want. "I just wanted to figure out how I really felt, and
why. I had to consider what you said and what I said. And I've come to
a conclusion." His fear had been replaced by curiosity. I wasn't
acting myself; he knew it, but not why. "I've changed. I'm not the
person I used to be."
How did she change? What sorts of things did she go through during this
time, and exactly what did she learn from them? This is something that
I'd think ought to be a major part of this story, and it's just sort of
vaguely hinted at here.
*bap*
You have a point, but I think that, given the nature of the story, the
specifics are unneccesary, and would simply bog things down.
Yes, this is meant to be light, not some in-depth character study (which
it obviously isn't). Gary, you're taking this story WAY too seriously.
"Hel.. hello." Ryoga smiled, his little fangs peeking out. "Oof!"
He turned and glared at Ranma for elbowing him in the back before
holding out a fistful of flowers. "These are for you."
How does Ryoga feel about this whole business? Why does he agree to go
out with Ukyo, what expectations does he have, etc. etc. etc.
Embarrassed, shy, feeble-minded... How Ryoga usually is. :) (Ryoga
has no expectations since he was basically set up by Ranma - come on,
you know how Ryoga is)
"This is Ken." I smiled. I liked Ken a lot.
We need to know more about Ken.
If this were a multimegabyte saga, I'd agree with you. But, as is, I don't
think this is necessary - again, it would simply bog things down.
I think this comes down to why does anyone like anyone else. I don't
have them making out on the grill, coating each other's bodies in sauce
or anything... They could just be good friends from what I've shown.
(<RANT>This sort of thing seems to
happen in a lot of fics: Ukyo gets paired up with some guy that we're
told nothing about, just because the author can't stand to see an
imaginary character end up lonely.</RANT>)
First of all, I don't care whether Ukyo ends up lonely or not. :P I
just needed a non-threatening antagonist for Ranma, and someone else
for Ukyo to fixate... I mean be friends with (she seems to have slim to
none).
So far, all we know is that they seem to like one another. We really don't
know if this is anything permanent. Besides, the rest of the story wouldn't
make _any_ sense without him.
This is true. They're in the 'we're friends, but this might get a more
serious' stage.
What are his likes and
dislikes, other than food? What does he care about? What does Ukyo see
in him, and vice-versa?
Well, that at least is a good question. Ken seems a bit dim to me...
Nobody's perfect. Also assume Ken's never been anywhere near the
wackiness found in Nerima... Maybe he's from Iowa or something. :)
Of course he's a little confused, especially when it's all going on
to a girl he likes, right in front of his eyes.
Well, I suppose it wasn't ALL his fault. But enough was
to make me annoyed at his innocent act. "All right, Ranchan. So
what's your problem?"
The second sentence here is messed up; not sure what it's supposed to
be.
Hmm.. I read this and I'm not sure what it's supposed to be. :) Oh, wait.
The third time I read it, I figured it out. :)
I get the point, but the first two sentences are a bit unclear. I'd change
it to something like:
Well, I suppose it wasn't ALL his fault, but enough of it was to make me
annoyed with his innocent act.
Yeah, something like this!
Ukyo seems a bit arrogant to me in this paragraph, BTW; not sure if
this was your intent.
Arrogant? How so? I thought she was being quite reasonable.
Ukyo's being human. She's admitted some of it was her fault... No need
to go any deeper than that. :) She's done a pretty good job of denying
things to herself, why stop now? But seriously, Ukyo isn't perfect, and
when she gets annoyed, she's going to direct the majority of the blame
on someone else. Heck, it's what I'd do.
Also, I did 1 & 2 in an hour or two one day. Then a week later, I did
3 & 4, then about a month later I did 5 & 6... So this is not exactly
a masterpiece of continuity or characterization. :) It was a quick,
hopefully light read, focusing on a character I don't normally use.
It wasn't meant to actually cause deep thought. :)
Lara