On Sunday, October 26, 1997 4:05 PM, Nicholas Leifker wrote:
Richard Lawson wrote:
I have deliberately left off the series tag; I want to know
how long it will take you to get it. It's not Ranma, I'll
tell you that much. I'd be interested in knowing when exactly
you figured out who "she" is.
Despite this, I was still expecting an alt-Ranma/Kentaro story at the
beginning. You've just written too much relationship angst there.
<snort> :D I think this particular "she" is too... stereotypically
feminine for Ranma, even the TOP Ranma. :) I don't know about
"Clothes" Ranma, though.
I'm wavering between "The Cycle" and "The Next Cycle" or
scrapping both for a better title. Your thoughts appreciated.
"The Immaculate Conception"? ;P
I was actually thinking about that during the moon scene. That's why I
made it a point to have the queen say that Kenji would still be needed,
to downplay this parallel.
This is an experiment in writing for me. I tried for a more
stream-of-consciousness approach and, I think, mostly failed. I
may change this all to past tense. Let me know what you think.
If you change it, I will come up to Minnesota (once my car's working
again) and I will hurt you. ^_^
:) We're talking a twenty-hour drive, Nick. I have the feeling your
car would die somewhere in Iowa, and then where would you be?
Plus you'd have to get past the Foxes not once but twice. Is it really
worth the risk? ^_^
The breeze brushes softly against her skin. She shivers, not
because she feels cold, but because she feels *good*.
Interesting... third person present-tense.
Taken, interestingly enough, from a Stephen King short story.
"Could you... implant something, a fertilized egg or..."
The Bargaining stage of coping with tragedy?
<nod> You can see some of this in TOP, too.
It has to pass certain tests, withstand
extreme scrutiny, be found *clean*...
I don't get it. What do you mean by *clean*, Richard? I think there
needs to be some explanation in there... ^_^
Touche. ^_^
At least I didn't use the word, only implied that there was a taint,
and what its effects might be.
Why does it have to hurt so much, so much.
Shouldn't this be a question mark at the end?
No, this isn't supposed to be spoken like a question. Or thought like
a question, I mean.
Nice segues in this.
Thanks. I was hoping they wouldn't come across as too cheesy.
She looks down at her feet, for she is so frightened, this is so
terrible, why please why. "I have s-something to tell you."
Please, she'd cried enough today, no more tears, please.
Could be done better. If she's going to mentally babble, have her
mentally babble. Let it rage out of control... it feels like you
were restrained a bit here.
Hmm. Will think.
Oh God. He was so right, and so wrong, so forgiving, but
condemning her without knowing it. She can't stand it, it
is too much, and she turns and runs from the apartment,
surprising him, his shout fading behind her.
She flees and leaves her life behind her and runs...
Well played. Very well played. For all of you out there who are
pained by another's secrets, remember this: Chances are, that
secret's hurting them a lot more than you.
<nodnod> I made a similar point in "Thy Inward Love".
The water is dazzling her eyes. The moon is full and reflecting
tremendous amounts of light off the lake, making her eyes water.
She looks up at the moon in the sky, it is like a spotlight,
shining on her, laying her soul bare and examining it. She
spreads her arms wide, letting it pass judgement on her, hoping
it will give her strength to deal with the pain ahead. She must
be strong, she must endure, life is important, she must not
waste life, for if her body cannot create more life she must
find other ways of giving life to those around her.
Now you know why I need my own room. Man, did this hit home.
Thanks.
And yet, I cannot show emotion, can't let them see me cry.
Heh, don't I know this too.
Oh my, you feel so strongly and deeply. Such love in your
soul, causing you such pain. It should not be so."
At the risk of sounding rude, get rid of the "Oh my" in there. It
distracts.
Well! I *never*. <sniffs loudly, turns on his heel, stalks stiffly
away>
Of course it's not rude, baka! :)
Will remove the "my".
"Someone from a long-forgotten past. The last remnant of a
race that stood before evil and overcame it, but at a cost.
We bought for the Earth its future, but at a terrible cost."
Try to rephrase it so that it doesn't have the "but at a cost" twice.
<nod> Spotted this already. Changed.
She does not know what to say in response to that other than,
"Thank you."
Might want to show her response to her own words - how inadequate
they seem, and how small they make her feel.
Hmm, good suggestion. Will think.
"You will now conceive our daughter. Although you will still need
your husband's help first." The voice chuckles slightly, but it is
fading fast and quickly moves on. "After our daughter is born, you
may choose to have other children. They will be wholly yours.
They
will be my thanks for the services you have chosen to perform for
me."
You do realize the Mary similarities here, don't you?
Mary similarities? As in the Virgin? Yes, which is why she was *not*
a Virgin, and Kenji was *still* needed, and why Usagi was *not* being
sent as a sacrifice for the world. I really wanted to put as much
distance between the two stories as possible.
She gets to her feet and bows to the moon. Then she turns and runs
and she's smiling and actually giggling as...
I hesitate to say this, but the final reaction seems almost too
light.
I don't think anyone would be in a giggling mood after that.
Hmm. I thought of it as an almost giddy reaction; the sudden lifting
of too much angst can leave someone feeling light-headed. That's what
I was trying to show.
Then she goes inside to begin the cycle anew.
What... you mean she and Kenji are gonna...? ^_-
<bap> Baka. :D
Lovely ending scene, BTW.
Thanks.
Overall... Whoa. Beautiful work here - hits the insides in a way few
works, yours or others, do. Keep the stream-of-consciousness stuff.
It works.
Thanks again, and thanks a lot for the excellent feedback, Nick.
-- Nick
-Richard
sterman@sprynet.com
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