The Next Cycle

by Richard Lawson

sterman@sprynet.com

He put humor in *her*; she was so serious and fearful before he came 
into her life.  Before he *became* her life, before he put life into 
her.  He notes that it has been eighteen months since they have been 
married, but she counts time differently; it has been thirty-five 
months since they met, thirty-five months since her life began.

Um...  I'm not sure whose voice this is here.  If it's his, this sounds like
he's on a major ego trip. If it's hers, doesn't she have any self-esteem?
Her life began when they met?  Sure, you're speaking metaphorically (I
*hope* you're speaking metaphorically ^_^), but still.....

"I mean... can't we... I... it's time."  He swallows.  "I know you keep 
saying not yet, that you're not ready.  But... there's no need to wait. 
Both of our jobs are going well, we have some money.  We can... 
there's this nice little house I've been looking at..."  He looks 
deeply into her eyes.  "Big enough to fill a family with."

A bit pushy, isn't he?  The lady has said she's not ready. What's the rush?

Sorry, they all are sorry, as if it were their fault, but is her fault, 
it is her *fault*, a fundamental flaw in the way she was made.

I *was* thinking that this could be Ranma and Kentaro (? - you know who I
mean). Until this line.  For it to turn out to be R/K now would be in very
bad taste on the writer's part -- and *way* too easy

:The doctor was right; she *did* know.  She'd known it from shortly 
:after her first exam by a gynecologist.  And she had denied it, 
:pretended it didn't exist, hadn't even told her parents.  The less she 
:thought about it, the more it didn't exist.  She'd certainly had other 
:problems to worry about.

She looks down at her feet, for she is so frightened, this is so 
terrible, why please why.  "I have s-something to tell you."  Please, 
she'd cried enough today, no more tears, please.

"Oh!"  His voice is full of comprehension, of sudden understanding. 
"Is this about your secret?"

This line of dialogue sounds *really* goofy. (the earlier goofy dialogue can
be excused as being due to 2 people in love in a romantic situation  ^_^)
My favorite dialogue-writing tip:  since people rarely talk the way they
write, read all dialogue out loud. If it sounds weird when read in context
out loud, you need to fix it. 

He smiles gently.  "Before we were married, my father ran a check.  He 
confronted it with me the day before the wedding.  He thought that 
would put an end to things."  He shook his head.  "Father knew so 
little of how much I loved you.  I couldn't care less if some 
narrow-minded people - like my father - consider you 'unclean'.

Well, it's not Usagi-Darien -- Darien's an orphan

"Please don't feel bad that you didn't tell me," he goes on, 
misunderstanding her expression.  "I knew that you were probably scared 
to tell me at first because I might want to have nothing to do with 
you.  And then you didn't want to tell me because you thought I'd be 
upset that you withheld it from me."  He reaches out to her, not quite 
touching her, an invitation.  "It doesn't matter, love.  Only you 
matter, the person you are, the love we have.  Let's move beyond this. 
Our children will have no taint, I'll make sure of that."

My, that's mighty big of him.  IMO he's coming across as awfully pompous here.

Oh God.  He was so right, and so wrong, so forgiving, but condemning 
her without knowing it.  She can't stand it, it is too much, and she 
turns and runs from the apartment, surprising him, his shout fading 
behind her.

I'm getting REALLY irritated with her too.  To me, she's coming across as a
melodramatic whiny-wimp (oh, I can't live without him... isn't it wonderful
that he's *so* forgiving of my congenital defect... perhaps I should just
kill myself...) rather than someone being silly because she's in love.  (If
this wasn't a Lawson fic, I'd have it in the trash by now because these
characters give me no reason to be interested in them)

And her heart squeezes and she clutches herself.  She looks into the 
moon and begs.  Please, he deserves better than what is to come.  I 
deserve punishment, I know that, but he does not. 

<gag> Get this girl to psychiatric help ASAP!

I think this is WAY over the top.  If this is supposed to be more
demonstration of someone upset and in love, I don't buy it.  It doesn't wash
as her being upset over not being able to have kids with "Lord and Master"
either -- she's had PLENTY of time to get used to the idea, as mentioned
earlier in the story.

And good, most of all good.  I have need of someone 
like you."

"You do?  For what?"

"To bear my daughter."

oh no.....  Ikuko and Kenji?

Queen Serenity is a manipulative little bitch, isn't she? Let's find someone
who's suicidally depressed because she can't have kids, whose husband is
pressuring her to have them, who's afraid he's going to leave her, and offer
to fix it so she can have kids... with the catch that the first really isn't
hers.  Of COURSE Ikuko's going to agree - she'd agree to anything at this point.

"Dear, you must understand."  The voice is more serious now.  "My - 
*our* - daughter will be in danger when she comes into her power.  She 
will constantly be under attack, and will know few moments of peace. 
While I want you to be there to give support, guidance, and love, you 
must not interfere.  You must not do anything to keep her from her 
finding and fulfilling her destiny.  It may squeeze your heart to see 
her in danger of her life.  But, if what I have seen here is any 
indication, it will not *break* your heart.  You must show the strength 
you showed tonight during the times to come, and let our daughter do 
what needs to be done."

Excuse me?!  *Strength*?  That night?  From Ikuko?  WHEN?

She's spent the entire fic being sappy with hubby or whining!


<snip and paste from the top>

This is an experiment in writing for me.  I tried for a more 
stream-of-consciousness approach and, I think, mostly failed.  I may 
change this all to past tense.  Let me know what you think.

I'm not sure. There was something... unusual... going on with the tenses.
Not really bothersome, but a little irritating.

But that wasn't what bothered me about his fic. These characters are so
irritating (as I've said many times by this point) that I didn't really care
what happened to them. I guess I'm going to be in the minority who didn't
like it.


Jeanne Hedge


http://www.accsyst.com/jhedge/