On Tue, Oct 28, 1997 at 12:16:57AM +0000, Gary Kleppe wrote:

On Mon, 27 Oct 1997 10:51:02 -0500 (EST), Lara Bartram
<lara@emunix.emich.edu> wrote:

	There was a request for parts 1-4, so I just decided to go
ahead and repost all 6 parts

ALL SIX?!?!?!

(stop whining - they're short).  It's

Oh, okay then. :-)

been a while since I've looked at this and I know it could use a
good go-through, but I haven't.  :)

The writing and dialog read okay as far as I can tell, and I liked the
fact that this doesn't automatically treat Ukyo and Ryoga as the Couple
of Destiny.

Agreed - 110%
 

The main problem with this, IMO, is that it desperately cries out to be
expanded in several places:

    "Oh, I was just getting my life together.  Putting things into 
perspective.  Cleaning myself up."  This was as good a time as any.  If 
I didn't explain, he would only treat me like a bug sharing his lunch.  
That I didn't want.  "I just wanted to figure out how I really felt, and 
why.  I had to consider what you said and what I said.  And I've come to 
a conclusion."  His fear had been replaced by curiosity.  I wasn't 
acting myself; he knew it, but not why.  "I've changed.  I'm not the 
person I used to be."

How did she change? What sorts of things did she go through during this
time, and exactly what did she learn from them? This is something that
I'd think ought to be a major part of this story, and it's just sort of
vaguely hinted at here.

You have a point, but I think that, given the nature of the story, the
specifics are unneccesary, and would simply bog things down.

    "Hel.. hello."  Ryoga smiled, his little fangs peeking out.  "Oof!"  
He turned and glared at Ranma for elbowing him in the back before 
holding out a fistful of flowers.  "These are for you."

How does Ryoga feel about this whole business? Why does he agree to go
out with Ukyo, what expectations does he have, etc. etc. etc.

Try reading the story.  These questions get at least partially answered
later.
 

	"This is Ken."  I smiled.  I liked Ken a lot.

We need to know more about Ken.

If this were a multimegabyte saga, I'd agree with you.  But, as is, I don't
think this is necessary - again, it would simply bog things down.  

(<RANT>This sort of thing seems to
happen in a lot of fics: Ukyo gets paired up with some guy that we're
told nothing about, just because the author can't stand to see an
imaginary character end up lonely.</RANT>)

So far, all we know is that they seem to like one another.  We really don't
know if this is anything permanent.  Besides, the rest of the story wouldn't
make _any_ sense without him.

What are his likes and
dislikes, other than food? What does he care about? What does Ukyo see
in him, and vice-versa?

Well, that at least is a good question.  Ken seems a bit dim to me...

	Well, I suppose it wasn't ALL his fault.  But enough was
to make me annoyed at his innocent act.  "All right, Ranchan.  So
what's your problem?"

The second sentence here is messed up; not sure what it's supposed to
be.

I get the point, but the first two sentences are a bit unclear.  I'd change
it to something like:

Well, I suppose it wasn't ALL his fault, but enough of it was to make me
annoyed with his innocent act.

Ukyo seems a bit arrogant to me in this paragraph, BTW; not sure if
this was your intent.

Arrogant?  How so?  I thought she was being quite reasonable.

-- 

- Sean Connor (sec@frodo.com)

        "It jams." - Intel TV ad, referring to the Pentium chip.