Richard Lawson wrote:

I have deliberately left off the series tag; I want to know how long it
will take you to get it.  It's not Ranma, I'll tell you that much.  I'd
be interested in knowing when exactly you figured out who "she" is.

Despite this, I was still expecting an alt-Ranma/Kentaro story at the
beginning.  You've just written too much relationship angst there.

I'm wavering between "The Cycle" and "The Next Cycle" or scrapping both
for a better title.  Your thoughts appreciated.

"The Immaculate Conception"?  ;P

This is an experiment in writing for me.  I tried for a more
stream-of-consciousness approach and, I think, mostly failed.  I may
change this all to past tense.  Let me know what you think.

If you change it, I will come up to Minnesota (once my car's working
again) and I will hurt you.  ^_^ 

-Richard
sterman@sprynet.com

The breeze brushes softly against her skin.  She shivers, not because
she feels cold, but because she feels *good*.

Interesting... third person present-tense.  

She looks down, not able to meet his gaze.  She can deny him nothing,
she has denied him this for so long.  Here, in this park, by this lake,
at this moment, her life has become heaven and hell all at once, it has
been so all along but never more so than right now.

Ohoh....

Sorry, they all are sorry, as if it were their fault, but is her fault,
it is her *fault*, a fundamental flaw in the way she was made.

"Could you... implant something, a fertilized egg or..."

The Bargaining stage of coping with tragedy?

Adoption.  Adoption is so easy.  It only takes years and years and
hundreds of thousands of yen, but it does happen.  Of course, a family
has to be deemed worthy.  It has to pass certain tests, withstand
extreme scrutiny, be found *clean*...

I don't get it.  What do you mean by *clean*, Richard?  I think there
needs to be some explanation in there... ^_^
(Sorry.  Private joke.)


 Why does it have to hurt so much, so

much.  

Shouldn't this be a question mark at the end?  

After a time the tears stopped flowing and she brought herself under
control and looked up...

---

...into his face.  His face that was so worried, she wondered how long
he would continue to worry about her.  "What's wrong?"  Concern, and
fear, poorly masked by a voice trying to be firm.

Nice segues in this.  

She smiles, but it feels false, it feels like lying, and she hasn't yet
lied to him, just withheld her secret, the biggest lie of all.  "I...
it's just..."  How to say it, how to begin destroying his happiness and
hers.

Well... you certainly know how to put it, Richard.  

She looks down at her feet, for she is so frightened, this is so
terrible, why please why.  "I have s-something to tell you."  Please,
she'd cried enough today, no more tears, please.

Could be done better.  If she's going to mentally babble, have her
mentally babble.  Let it rage out of control... it feels like you were
restrained a bit here.  

 

He smiles gently.  "Before we were married, my father ran a check.  He
confronted it with me the day before the wedding.  He thought that
would put an end to things."  He shook his head.  "Father knew so
little of how much I loved you.  I couldn't care less if some
narrow-minded people - like my father - consider you 'unclean'.  It
means nothing to me.  You... you mean everything to me."

I still don't get it... ^_-

Oh God.  He was so right, and so wrong, so forgiving, but condemning
her without knowing it.  She can't stand it, it is too much, and she
turns and runs from the apartment, surprising him, his shout fading
behind her.

She flees and leaves her life behind her and runs...

Well played.  Very well played.  For all of you out there who are pained
by another's secrets, remember this: Chances are, that secret's hurting
them a lot more than you.  

She stands up, takes a step, then falls to her knees again, the water
soaking through her skirt.  She cannot do it.  It is wrong, and even if
she knows all about committing sin, she can always hope to keep from
committing more sin than necessary.  No more sins, sins are evil, she
has already caused too much evil, she will not cause more.  If there is
any lesson to be learned, it's that she must sin no more.

But was it so bad to want happiness?

Oh my...

The water is dazzling her eyes.  The moon is full and reflecting
tremendous amounts of light off the lake, making her eyes water.  She
looks up at the moon in the sky, it is like a spotlight, shining on
her, laying her soul bare and examining it.  She spreads her arms wide,
letting it pass judgement on her, hoping it will give her strength to
deal with the pain ahead.  She must be strong, she must endure, life is
important, she must not waste life, for if her body cannot create more
life she must find other ways of giving life to those around her.

Now you know why I need my own room.  Man, did this hit home.  And yet,
I cannot show emotion, can't let them see me cry.  

And her heart squeezes and she clutches herself.  She looks into the
moon and begs.  Please, he deserves better than what is to come.  I
deserve punishment, I know that, but he does not.  He is kind and
loving and forgiving and the best of men.  He loves, and is capable of
raising such love in others, he needs new souls to show how to love.
 Please, if not for me, then for him?

Well put.  

She and the moon look at each other for a while.

And then a strange kind of peace settles over her.  There is something,
a presence, that enters her and speaks soothing words.  "Be at ease,
dear.  Oh my, you feel so strongly and deeply.  Such love in your soul,
causing you such pain.  It should not be so."

At the risk of sounding rude, get rid of the "Oh my" in there.  It
distracts.  

"Someone from a long-forgotten past.  The last remnant of a race that
stood before evil and overcame it, but at a cost.  We bought for the
Earth its future, but at a terrible cost."

Try to rephrase it so that it doesn't have the "but at a cost" twice.  

She does not know what to say in response to that other than, "Thank
you."

Might want to show her response to her own words - how inadequate they
seem, and how small they make her feel.  

The presence laughs again, and this time it is tinged with affection.
 "It is not the tactics of war she needs to learn.  Others will guide
her in that respect.  No she must overcome her obstacles the same way
you overcame yours:  with love."

Amen.  

Her mind also imagines her daughter.  Just her daughter, a child to
raise.  She imagines she and her husband and her child all together, as
a family, laughing and loving together.  And that image is worth any
price.

(nod)

"It is done."  The voice sounds tired now, and begins to grow distant.
 "You will now conceive our daughter.  Although you will still need
your husband's help first."  The voice chuckles slightly, but it is
fading fast and quickly moves on.  "After our daughter is born, you may
choose to have other children.  They will be wholly yours.  They will
be my thanks for the services you have chosen to perform for me."

You do realize the Mary similarities here, don't you?  

Now that it has gone, she wonders if it was real.  It sounds like a
preposterous story, a desperate fantasy she'd created for herself, the
first steps taken towards madness.  Is it real?  Does she dare hope?

She looks up once again at the moon.  And in its rays she feels a hint
of the presence.  She feels it inside her, waiting.

Waiting to be born.

She gets to her feet and bows to the moon.  Then she turns and runs and
she's smiling and actually giggling as...

I hesitate to say this, but the final reaction seems almost too light. 
I don't think anyone would be in a giggling mood after that.  

She makes breakfast for four.  She often wonders why she bothers.
 Usually only three eat it.

(grin)  A nice way of putting it.  

She smiles, letting the voice know that the gratitude and love are
reciprocated.

Then she goes inside to begin the cycle anew.

What... you mean she and Kenji are gonna...?  ^_-

Lovely ending scene, BTW.

Overall... Whoa.  Beautiful work here - hits the insides in a way few
works, yours or others, do.  Keep the stream-of-consciousness stuff.  It
works.  

-- Nick