[Warhammer walks into a theater, also with a letter in his hands.]
WH: Hi folks, well, since Josh was such a great guy and MST�ed a lot of
my fics, I might as well do the same to him. Hi Josh! [He waves, then
looks at the letter.]
WH: And my MSTing companions will be... [he pales, though it�s kinda
hard since his face is behind a helmet.] oh no.
[The ceiling explodes and in flies Iczers 1 and 2. It�s a little more
than evident they�re a little peeved at each other. They both have
energy sabers drawn and are growling like a pair of animals.]
WH: And to think I did my first one with Yuzu-chan and Kusanagi Shiyuu,
sigh. [He turns to the Iczers, kinda irritated.] Ok you two, can you
stop it? We�re supposed to be reviewing a fic here!
[The Iczers reluctantly power down their weapons and take seats in the
same row by Warhammer.]
I2: All I can say is, this had better be worth it!
I1: Don�t be rude sister, this fic is going to be review, besides,
you�re the one who wanted to do something different.
I2: Aw, shut up.
WH: Can you two keep it down? We�re supposed to be MSTing a fic here!
[The lights dim and the fic starts.]
(Well, it seems that I'm back in the saddle of writing. SPC: Catatonic
WH: YAY!
Saga #4 should be finished by this weekend. I'm not starting any other
series until I finish at least one of these two.
I2: che. Finally, a human with some common sense.
WH: But he�s not a human, he�s elfin.
[Iczer 2 growls a bit.]
I2: No difference!
WH: Actually, there is.
I2: You want to die?
[WH cringes and weakly replies.]
WH: ...no...
Erm... oh yeah, 1: size is relative and 2: I like to mix and match.
Enjoy.}
I1: *Double blink* What did he mean by that?
WH: [in an Einstein costume and a bad german accent.] Ze Zeeroy of
rwelativistics is vartually unexplainable.
I1:[Turns to I2] You understand what he said?
I2: Not a word.
In the vast infinities comprising the multiverse, all possibilities
come to life.
WH: Like, what if I COULD get my pants back by Thursday?
I2: What was that about?
WH: *Sigh* An MST3K joke, never mind.
In one universe, a city populated by half-robot, half-animal beings is
under constant threat from a >rat with an over-sized ego.
I1: Never saw that Earth before.
I2: [with mischievous smirk] �Cause the only Earth you�ve been to is
where Nagisa-chan is. Getting lonely sister?
[I1 pounds I2 into the ground with no warning. Who then recovers in time
to get ready for the next joke, but would rather strangle her sister.]
WH: Rat with an oversized ego? Howard Stern?
In another universe, five girls in sailor fukus battle with vicious
monsters attempting to invade >from another plane of their reality.
I2: Fukus? Uh... you�re kidding me right?
WH: Sad to say, "It is so", sayeth the Takeuchi-sama.
Somewhere in between these two exits...
Bishoujo Samurai Sailor Moon-Pizza
by Josh Green
(sort@bucket.ualr.edu)
WH: Oh great title. What�s next? Roboball Z?
I1: Kimagure Orange Force?
I2: Speed Schneider?
Episode 1
"Oh no! Usagi is an usagi!"
WH: BWA HA HA! Love to see that!
I2: I�d bet you would.
WH: Hey!
starring
WH: Santa, Shonen Knife, Speed Racer, Son Goku, and Astroboy!
I1: But that doesn�t say anything about who�s actually in the fic.
WH: I know. Don�t worry honey.
I2: Honey? Cutey Honey?
WH: Never mind.
Princess Vi as Tsukino Usagi
WH: [Pales] On NO!
Big Al Dente as Tsukino Kenji
WH: [With manly deep voice] No, it�s BIG Al Dente.
Mother Dog (Mama-san) as Tsukino Ikoku
Son Dog (Junior) as Tsukino Shingo
I1: Are those two the ones who...
WH: Yes, they are.
Ruby as Osaka Naru
Wally (Lucille's brother) as Umino Gurio
Speedy Cerviche as Chiba Mamoru
WH: Oh great, Speedy Cerviche starring as Chiba "Pissy pants" Mamoru
I2: I take it you don�t like Mamoru that much.
WH: Darn right about that.
Frankie as Luna
WH: "Frankie Goes to Hollywood"? Oh, wait that�s the music group. Aww,
and here I thought good old Emperor "Perrat, perrat" would be the ever
wise council of the heroine.
**********
Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha
Comics, TV Asahi, >and TOEI Animation. The North American translation
of Sailor Moon is copyrighted by DiC >Entertainment. Samurai Pizza Cats
is copyrighted by Sotsu Agency, Tatsunoko Production
Co., Ltd., Saban International Services, Inc., and Saban International
N.V., all rights reserved.
[The three reviewers get a chance to snooze for a while.]
The characters are not mine (and Takeuchi-sama would probably think the
world is coming to an >end if she saw this ^_^), but this story is.
Please only distribute it in the original form.
WH: And the funny part is that I would guess she would! BWA HA HA HA
*WHAM*
I2: Would you shut up?
**********
Tokyo, Japan. The normal sun rising from the normal horizon signaled
the normal start of a >normal day in a normal city. Well, maybe not
quite _normal_...
I1: Is it just me, or is it just that almost every fic where something
drastic happens always starts out as a normal day?
A herd of stern-faced buffaloes wearing business suits stampeded its
way
onto a monorail, each of them contemplating the day's work ahead.
I2:[blinks a few times] Did I just see what I thought I saw?
>A flock of bird-like schoolgirls took time to gossip and twitter as
they walked to school.
WH: Are the twittering teenagers twitterpated?
I1: What the...
WH: Sorry, tongue-twister. Didn�t mean it.
All over the city, people of various species performed the daily
rituals
of existence.
WH: [Droning] Work! Run! Work Harder! Run Faster! Abandon Healthy Diets!
Drink Tons! Smoke Alot! *WHAM*
I2: SHUT UP!
"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!"
[All three fall over in pain from the intensity of the noise.]
Some rituals are easier on a person's hearing than others, however.
The
shrill voice came from an average, upper-middle class home in a fairly
nice residential area of Tokyo. A look inside the home would show
three
persons bearing a resemblance to anthropomorphic dogs sitting around a
table, eating breakfast. A bowl of cheerios at the fourth place of the
western style table remained untouched as yet.
WH: [In Boris Bedanov-esque voice] Now eat like the dogs you are!
I1: But, they are dogs.
[Sweatdrops inserted here.]
"But Daddy, I hate school." The whining reply came from the upstairs
portion of the two-story house.
[Pressing their hands to their ears, Iczer 2 whisperes to Iczer 1]
I2: Sound familiar �nee-san?
I1: Ugh, don�t remind me.
Not one to miss an opportunity to make a jab at his older sister, the
young male dog spoke up, "How can she go to school? If you ask me,
she's already out to lunch."
I2: Sounds like something �mouto-chan would say.
I1: Yes, it does. Odd really.
In a matter of seconds, the missing member of this happy family was
down
the stairs and strangling her brother, sending her twin ponytails
bobbing as she shook him. "Why you little brat! Take that back!"
I1: Well... she wouldn�t do that.
I2: Would she? I mean, it�s �THAT� time of the month for her again.
WH: What are you two talking about?
I 1&2: None of your business!
"Usagi! Don't strangle your brother!" Tsukino Ikoku chided. "It's
not
lady-like," she added.
WH: Vi? Lady like? BWA HA HA HA!
Noticing his daughter's visage, Tsukino Kenji asked, "What's wrong
Usagi-chan? School surely isn't that bad."
WH: Che. You haven�t seen the school I went to.
"Usagi, dear. If you didn't spend so much time in the bathroom each
morning you would be better prepared," her mother interjected.
WH:....uh, no comment.
[He says that after both Iczers give him a death glare.]
Usagi's face flushed.
WH: Where�s the draino? [Using standard Gary Owens voice] Also, along
with the green and blue colors, we now have carrot orange colored toilet
packs!
*****
Elsewhere, in a throne room cloaked in shadows, an evil being plots to
throw the world into chaos. Its voice rang out powerfully, causing its
followers to cringe and cower.
"Jadeite! Come forth!"
WH: Hmm, where have I heard that voice before?
A tall, beady-eyed crow stepped away from the crowd a gave a bow toward
the figure on the throne. The crow was dressed in a grey uniform with
red shoulder guards. He wore a black helmet with a red eyepiece over
his left eye and a massive ax swung from his belt.
I2: Ok, let me get this straight. This guy is supposed to be one of the
four fearsome generals of the Dark Kingdom?
WH: It appears so.
I2: BWA HA HA HA! *WHAM*
[Iczer 1 whams her sister into the ground again.]
"Go into the mortal world and capture energy for us, that we may revive
the ancient powers and take our rightful place as rulers of this
universe."
WH: Wait a minute. That doesn�t sound like Beryl at all. Could it be....
"As you command." Jadeite snapped his fingers and vanished from sight.
I2: You know �nee-san. I miss the other Jedite, he was cute.
I1: Why �mouto-chan. Yajin-kun getting to be too much for you? *CRUNCH*
[Iczer 2 grinds her sister into a little cube.]
"I'm so evil, not even the KKK would want to recruit me," the enthroned
being chuckled to itself.
WH: Che. He�s so evil, they didn�t even bother to call...wait a minute!
NO! IT CAN�T BE!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[Warhammer faints]
*****
Curious about what the boys were doing, Usagi walked towards the boys,
picking up part of their conversation.
WH: Ah, the ever so present Emperess of Eavesdropping.
The tallest of the boys turned to face her and caustically replied,
"What's it to you anyway?"
WH: [In a gruff voice, imitaing Usagi] Hey! Is that anyway to treat a
little girl?
[Both Iczers snicker]
Usagi sighed mentally and almost turned away, not in the mood for
another confrontation. Suddenly, much to her surprise, she found
herself agitated by the boy's attitude and released her frustration on
him. She took a step toward him menacingly. "Look kid, I'm bigger
than
you, so don't mess with me!"
WH: Ah, so the bully in this case is Vi. Typical!
The boy sneered, then noticed that his friends had deserted him.
Giving
Usagi a wide-eyed glance, the boy broke into a run down the street,
hollering, "Hey, wait for me!"
I2: What�s that saying about strength in numbers?
The mouse, for its part, simply stared at her. Usagi reached out
towards the mouse, trying to encourage it by saying, "Come here mousey,
I won't hurt you."
I2: [imitaing the mouse] I�d rather share a needle with Keith Richards.
WH: Oh, jeez. That was a bit overboard.
I2: So? Whatcha gonna do?
WH: Absolutely nothing.
Usagi boggled at the strange mouse as it turned and jumped to the top
of
the nearby fence. Once on top of the fence, the mouse turned back and
resumed its piercing gaze at the orange-haired girl. Then, a clock
began tolling the hour and Usagi snapped out of her daze.
[Warhammer puts the bell by Vi and whacks it with all his might.]
Unseen by her, the mouse's head developed a sweat-drop as it watched
the
young girl race toward her school.
I1: Brought to you by Sweatdrop International.
*****
"Hello, Umino-kun," the two girls droned in unison.
I2: Oi, �Nee-san. Your boyfriend�s.. *WHAM*
[you can guess what happened.]
"Only the greatest heroine of our time!" Umino unrolled a poster than
depicted a young, orange-haired girl wearing a modified 'sailor' style
school uniform and a mask over her eyes. She was standing in a
ridiculous pose and carrying a laser gun. "She battles monsters and
gangs in London, I understand."
WH: [With Sherlock Holmes-esuqe voice] Excellent deduction Watson.
"You don't really think girls would go around fighting in short skirts
like that, do you Umino-kun?" Naru asked.
WH: You should have seen what they said about it in Cosmo.
I 1&2:[Shocked] You read Cosmo?
WH:[Blushes]...
"Of course, I heard about her on the Internet! I'm starting a chapter
of the Sailor V fan club at our school! Maybe she'll come to Tokyo
someday and I can meet her!" Umino carefully re-rolled the poster and
put a rubber band around it.
I2: Yeah, just so she can shoot you for acting like this! Put you out of
your misery.
"Let's just be glad that we don't have to worry about any monsters
around here," Usagi said.
WH: he he, that�s what you think!
*****
Standing against a completely black field, Jadeite, General of the Dark
Kingdom, prepared to call forth one of his own subjects.
WH: Spelling?
I1: Geography?
I2: Physics?
"Jewel, I have need of you."
WH: [Sings] ~Dreams last for so long. Even after you�re *GONG*
I2: I HATE that woman. And I HATE singing Teknomen.
I1: That was a bit extreme, but then again, her songs are kind of
depressing.
Jewel pouted for a few seconds, then smiled at Jadeite and said, "As
long as I get to wear something fashionable."
I2: Fashionable? In that dress? HAH!
WH: Look who�s talking?
*CRUNCH* *SNAP*
After school, Usagi sprinted out of the school yard with Naru on her
heels, attempting to pace her. "Hey, Usagi! Slow down! Where are you
headed so fast, anyway?"
WH: [Imitaing Vi] I need to find my script. I can�t play as an Usagi and
play Usagi at the same time!
"Well, my mom is having a sale-"
"Why didn't you say so?!" Grabbing Naru's hand, Usagi accelerated
again, dragging her friend along. "Your mom has the coolest
accessories! Maybe I'll find something that I can afford."
[All three shake their heads]
WH: Somehow, this didn�t really surprise me. I don�t know why.
After calming herself, Naru sighed as they seemed to fly by the other
pedestrians. *At least this will cheer Usagi up. She seems to be
depressed today.*
I1: Take some homemade prozac. Only the largest amounts for the biggest
brats.
Unnoticed by either of the girls, a small mouse watched them from a
side
alley, pondering the mysteries of the universe.
I2: He�s wondering if he can actually get a better job than this.
WH: Naw, I think he thinking of something profound.
I1: Like what?
WH: Well, Why�s there air? Why�s the sky blue? Or what�s Vietnam Or..
*WHACK*
When they arrived at the jewelry store, they noticed that a huge crowd
had already gathered. Some of the ladies seemed to be close to blows,
fighting over the items on sale.
WH: I�d better say nothing, just to be on the safe side.
I2: Right about that ya tin can!
"Cub zirconia? Don't be silly, child. These are diamonds! They'd
normally cost 100,000 yen, but I'll sell them to you for 3,000! After
all, you are Naru-chan's best friend."
[Three *BOINGS?* of confusion are heard.]
WH: What�s she taking?
A bovine shopper suddenly shouldered Usagi and Naru to the side and
moo'ed, "Mine!"
WH: Darn cows. All the same.
Usagi moped along the street, her head hanging down. Not thinking of
anything in particular, she kicked a small rock ahead of herself.
Growing tired of this simple activity, she kicked the rock harder.
WH: *CRASH* DENNIS!!!
I2: Come again?
I1: I have no clue what that reference was.
WH: Jeez, try and bring a little variety into the jokes and what do you
get.
"Don't get so steamed, dumpling head. You might cook that hair of
yours," the young man said as he walked by Usagi.
I1: Medium? Or Well done?
Naru was studying her homework when she felt a cold wind blow through
her room. Going downstairs to her mother's store, she gasped at the
sight before her. All the customers were slumped on the floor
unconscious and streams of mist seemed to be rising out of their
bodies,
into her mother's hand.
"W-what's going on, mom?"
I2: Cool1 They�re dead.
WH: Don�t be stupid!
I2: what?
WH: They never kill civvies in this kind of story, just the main
characters or just the baddies!
I2: Oh.
Usagi, the style just seemed right. Usagi then noticed the reflection
of a small mouse standing in her windowsill.
WH: Rikki Tikki Taki! Oh wait, it�s a mouse.
I1: What�s... that?
WH: LONG story.
Turning around, she recognized it as the mouse she had saved from the
group of boys earlier. The mouse jumped onto her bed and Usagi reached
out a hand toward it. "Hi mousey. What are you doing here?"
I2: [In mischevious voice, pretending to be the mouse.] I assumed you�ve
heard of tatle tale?
"My name is Luna. And I 'ave been searching for ye for a long time,"
the mouse replied with a Celtic accent.
WH: Swell, SM�s Luna has an english accent, this one has a Celtic.
What�s next? Russian?
"Din'na be so insultin'," Luna huffed. "Ye are a warrior of the Pizza
Kingdom of the Moon. It is yuir responsibility to defend the Moon-Pizza
Princess and defeat the evil warriors of the Negaverse."
WH, I1, and I2: Say what?
"The nega-what?" This was all coming too fast for Usagi to understand,
let alone believe.
WH: Yeah, considering her brains has the same velocity of a three speed
bike.
I1: Oh, now that was mean.
Luna sighed and looked into Usagi's eyes. She could tell that it was
going to take more to convince her of the truth. "'Ere. Take this
locket." Luna performed a backflip and a locket appeared in a flash of
light. She pushed it toward Usagi, who timidly picked it up.
[The Iczers give Luna a 10, while WH gives it a 9.7, the other two beat
him into the ground.]
"Never ye mind that now. 'Old up the locket and say 'Moon Pizza
Power'."
WH: Want to know something? I�m statin ta get tirad of �he accent. So
KNOCK IT OFF!!
Usagi giggled at the wording, but didn't see what harm it could do.
She
held up the locket and said, "MOON PIZZA POWER!" Her words seemed to
reverberate in her mind and she momentarily felt lightheaded. When the
feeling passed, she noticed that her clothes had dissolved. She
instinctively held the locket in front of herself and ribbons exploded
>from it, wrapping around her to form new clothing..
[All three of them get a good moment to sleep while Vi transforms.]
"Now Sailor Moon-Pizza, ye are truly ready for battle!" Luna proclaimed
grandly.
I2: Not wearing that you aren�t!
Just as Naru thought that she would lose consciousness, she heard a
crash at the entrance to her mother's store. Both Naru and Jewel
looked
toward the front of the store and blinked at what they saw.
WH: Only to see that the stranger was GONE!
I2: Now THAT was lame.
WH: I know, thanks.
Naru thought at the time that she was imagining Sailor V come to rescue
her.
WH: Oh, no it�s just Duckworth.
I1: Who?
WH: *Sigh* Never mind.
The girl began a series of ridiculous poses and stated, "For love,
justice, and good take-out, I am the pretty sailor-suited warrior,
Sailor Moon-Pizza! On behalf of the Moon and 30-minutes-or-your-money-
back deliveries, I shall right wrongs and triumph over evil! And that
means _you_!" She ended with her right arm crossed over her left and
her finger pointed at Jewel.
[The three laugh their heads off at the even more rediculous speech.]
Sailor Moon-Pizza noted Luna standing in the doorway and called to her,
"Help me, Luna! What do I do?!"
WH: [Imitating Miki Koshikawa from Marmalade Boy] Doshiyo! Doshiyo!
Doshi*CRASH*
[You know the drill.]
Turning her head to look at the source, Sailor Moon-Pizza gasped when
she saw a man in a tuxedo with a large cape swirling around him,
standing in a high window of the store.
WH: Uh oh. Guess who...
I1: [With hearts and sparkles in her eyes] Arlisan?
I2: [Same way as her sister] Dark Schneider?
"I am Tuxedo Kamen. You have the power to destroy this evil, Sailor
Moon-Pizza. We shall meet again." With that, the mysterious man was
gone.
WH: [Pointing to Tuxboy] Hey, no coaching from the sidelines ya putz!
The discus flew through the air and began to change again, the glow
becoming an aura around the tiara as it turned a color that resembled
pizza crust. Jewel screamed as the energized pizza hit her and caused
her body to disintegrate.
I1: Say, can we get that pizza to go? I�m starting to get hungry.
The customers collapsed to the floor again, but they all seemed to be
conscious now, groaning or blinking their eyes.."
WH: Wow, who�d of thought that garlic was so powerful.
interfered had much experience at fighting. They were more of a
nuisance than anything. But they would delay his plans. And since his
plans were delayed...
*How do I explain this to Beryl-sama?*
WH: Easy, what SHE doesn�t know, can�t hurt YOU!
Luna silently padded over to her and said, "Good work, Usagi. Ye've
defeated yuir first enemy. 'Owever, there will be many more t' come."
She then sighed in defeat as she noticed Usagi had already fallen
asleep. "'Til tomorrow then. Aye, 'til tomorrow."
WH: [Imitates Jimmy Drandy] Good night Ms. Moon, where ever you are. Ha
cha cha cha cha.
I1&2: Who?
WH: Never mind!
"WHAT?!" Beryl roared, shutting off Jadeite's explanation. "The Pizza
Kingdom was destroyed millennia ago! There could not have been any
survivors!"
I2: Ha, well, you got to watch out for people like her. Just like
roaches, just can�t kill �em off like that.
Though Jadeite knew it had not been a question, he answered, "No,
Beryl-sama." Bowing, Jadeite then turned and left Beryl's court. He
clenched a fist and mentally cursed a certain young girl. *I will
_not_
be humiliated again!*
WH: Especially when she wear THAT kinda of outfit! Absolutely no sense
of fashion at all.
[The fic ends and the three go out of their seats.]
WH: Great job Josh. Can�t help but wonder who is gonna be the other
scouts or senshi.
I1: I thought it was rather... out of the ordinary, but in a good way.
I2: Well, made me wish the original guys. They were actually cute.
WH: But these people are Super deformed, so that makes it all the more
fun!
I1: It was fun, thanks alot. See ya.
I2: I will be back. And I was not going to impersonate that guy who said
that.
[Both Iczers warp out. Then Warhammer realizes something.]
WH: HEY! WHO�S GONNA PAY FOR THE DAMAGES?!?!
TekkaKnight WarHammer
"Bishonen is for the Ladies. But I like it too."
--Modified MST3K Joke
"Anyone without scars on their hearts would be superficial."
--Hiei
"NO! You must DO or DO NOT! There is no try."
--Yoda
-Worshipper of the Almighty, All Knowing, and All Funny Kuwabara-sama.
-Servant to Yukina-sama.
-Knight of the True Fiancee. A.K.A. Akane Tendou
-Supporter of the Zelgaudess Greywers/Amelia Wil Tesla De Seyruun
couple.
-Fanfic writer of Teknoman and other great manga and anime.
-Loyal Ally of Lady Jupiter.
-Self appointed Guardian of Kiyone Makibi.
-And so much more!
______________________________________________________
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