Squid 1/2 [D * R * A * F * T]


Farewell to all these Joys

by Sean Hayden

10/10/97

This work is copyrighted (C) 1997.  Ranma 1/2 is used here without
permission. 
(Sorry.)  The Navy is used on a artistic liscense.  All other copyrights,
trademarks and stuff are still owned by those respective folks who still
do.  This is of course, a work of fiction.  The author implies no guaranty
as to the quality of his work.  Of course any relation to persons living or
dead, allegory to religious figures etceteras is purely coincidental.  If
you do find them, the author suggests meditating on the benifts of
gardening and giving up fandom.  The views represented here do not reflect
those of the Department of Defense, the U.S. Navy or Shonen Sunday Comics.
They are mine, so git!


One more thing.  First off, yes this was written by a sailor.  More than
likely I have no business publicicizing my views, but what the hel-- heck.
Be forewarned the language used here is, uh... Accurate, to say the least.
If thou art offended, don't read any further. o.O;  C&C Desired, Flamers
can go get a rainbow sticker and leave me alone. ^_^


	Prelude to an Operation
	"In the Navy, You can sail the Seven Seas!"  
		-- The Village People

	"Moored!  Shift colors!"  The voice over the ship's 1MC declared.  
Everyone around Maxwell shifted impatiently in their summer whites as they 
manned the rails for the ceremonious mooring in China.  It was the first
time a US 
Warship had been allowed to port at the red country and a lot of fanfare
was going 
into it.
	"I wish they would get this crap over with."  Maxwell Smith thought.  His 
friend beside him, Howard, muttered under his breath.  "I wish they'd get
this crap 
over with."  He said, echoing Maxwell.
	"Shuttup Howard."
	"Time for some liberty, ya know?"  He continued.
	"Shuttup Howard."
	"I tell ya, my dad was stationed here awhile ago.  Oh boy did he have some 
sea stories . . ."
	"Phillips!"  A voice said from behind.  Max's heart sank.  It was Chief 
Moore.  The biggest, bad-ass SEAL chief in the Navy and you better know it.
	"Yes, Chief!"  Howard Phillips said smartly to the Chief who had formed up 
out of thin air.  They have a way of having eyes in the backs of their
Chiefly 
heads.
	"Stand at attention, and shut up!"
	"Yes, Chief."
	"And you, Petty Officer Smith!  Keep better control of your Seamen."
	"Yes, Chief."  It was Max's turn to speak.  Even though he was a junior 
petty officer, it seemed like his Chief expected him to act like a Chief.
`Jeez.'
	"Thanks a lot, Howard."  Max whispered hotly after Chief had left.
	"No prob' guy. It's what I'm here for.  It's not my fault he's in the chub 
club and he's pissed at everybody."
	"Secure From Manning The Rails!"  The voice once again declared.  As the 
Sailors began to break up, some heading for the smoke break and others racing 
down to berthing to change, Howard sidled up to Max who was walking down to 
berthing.
	"So, ya going out?"
	"Yeah.  I guess so."  He turned a corner and narrowly avoided colliding 
with an officer.
	"Jeez, some people."  Howard remarked as the officer pushed past without 
so much as a backwards glance.
	Max went down the last ladder and entered berthing, which was currently in 
a state of organized chaos.  Lenny trotted past in a towel followed by
boisterous 
cat-calls and whistles.
	"Hey Lenny!"  Howard called.
	"Yeah!"  He replied sticking his leg into a pair of pants, failing and 
tumbling to the deck in a heap of civillian clothes.  Some of dubiously clean 
quality.
	Howard burst out laughing.  "Oh Shit!  That was funny as hell Lenny.  Do it 
again!"
	Lenny replied with a succinct "Fuck you, Howard."
	"So where ya going?"
	"Dunno, bar I guess."
	"Me and Max are goin' out, wanna come?"
	"Sure.  Lemme get dressed ya meat gazer."
	"Hurry up Howard!"  Maxwell called, having showered and dressed in ten 
minutes flat.
	Howard's Texan drawl came back, "Gimme a minute, damn it."
	Lenny scratched his head, "Why's he always get so dressed up?  It ain't like 
he's going to get some ass."
	"I dunno."  Max replied.  "Tryin' to look cute for the women I guess."  He 
flipped through the book he was reading.
	"What'cha readin'?"
	"Uhh, don't worry.  You wouldn't like it."
	"How do you know, you illiterate asshole.  Besides, you're reading it 
backwards."
	"No I'm not."
	"Ramen 1/2?  Is that a cook book?"
	"No you slob, it's RANMA One half."
	"That explains it."  Lenny replied sarcastically.
	"What's it about.  Comeon, lemme see."
	Max handed over the manga book with distaste.
	"Hey.  This is in Japanese.  Pretty neat."
	"Oh, yeah?"  Max said suspiciously.
	"Yeah, my pop taught me how to read and speak Japanese."
	"No kidding."
	"I'm ready!"  Howard called.

Chapter One
Liberte A La Jhusenkyo
	"Things get worse under pressure."
		-- Principle of Hydrodynamics
	Howard slammed his twelfth beer on the table, he was looking a little 
sloshed.  Max nursed his third Rum and Coke and Lenny was passed out after
six 
or seven boilermakers.
	"Max!  You woman, drink up.  We only have one night here ya know."
	"All right."  He said, succumbing to the pressure and slugged the rest of it 
down.  He was starting to feel downright drunk, now that you mention it.
	"Oh shit!"  He said, "It's almost twelve!"
	"We gotta get back to the ship."  Howard agreed soberly, which he wasn't.
	"Lenny!  Wake up!"
	"Hunhgggak?"
	"We gotta get back to the ship!"
	As Lenny walked, actually dragged out of the ship, Max hailed a taxi.  A 
little yellow newspaper cab drove up.  The cabbie was a squat ugly Chinese 
wearing a brown outfit and a little cap with a red star on it.
	He said something in Chinese which Max did not understand.  He made 
pantoming gesture and said, "How much to go to American ship?"
	The cabbie shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.  Lenny however 
spoke up.  "Lemme talk to him, I know a little Chineesh."  Howard shoved him 
forward and Lenny said something short in Chinese.  The driver shook his
head up 
and down in understanding and replied.  "He saysh that it'll be two bucks 
American apiece."
	The three piled into the back of the Taxi cab and all of them promptly 
passed out.

	The three awoke as the sun dawned beautifully.  Howard murmured, 
"Today's Saturday, Mom."
Lenny snored peacefully and Maxwell sat up suddenly.  He blearily opened his 
eyes, which were superglued shut.  A throbbing headache reminded him that
today 
was going to definitely suck.
	Wait a minute.  He thought.  Something is amiss.  Hmm. He ran through his 
morning checklist.  Reville, roll out of rack, take shower, brush teeth,
shave . . .  
Hmm. He scratched himself.  He rubbed his eyes and quickly shut them again. 
Whew, I'm dreaming.  He thought again, with relief.  So, I'll just go back
to sleep.  
Hang on.  What time is it?  He opened his eyes again.  Man.  This sure is a
vivid 
dream.
	Odd.  It's seven thirty.  Shouldn't I be up?  He tested a slightly
unsettling 
hypothesis.  He pinched himself, hard.  He opened his eyes.  He wasn't
dreaming.
	"We're dead!  Lenny!  Howard!  Wake the hell up!"
	"Le'me alone, habn't called reveille yet."
	"We're not on the ship idiot! And we're late!"
	At the word "late" both men popped to attention.  "Shitshitshitshit."  Lenny 
muttered.
	"Where the hell are we?"
	Lenny looked around.  "I don't know about you guys, but I gotta take a 
piss."
	As Lenny walked towards one of the pools, Howard and Max both got up to 
do the same.
	"Whew!  I had to piss like a racehorse."  Lenny said.
	"No kidding, I . . ."
	"SMITH!" A voice roared out from behind them.  "WHAT THE HELL DO 
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"
	All three men were so startled they all didn't notice the signs that were
laid 
on the ground and proceeded to trip uncerimoniously into the water.  The
Chief, 
seeing them dive into the water, broke into a dead run, hoping to catch the 
deserters.  Like the other three, he didn't notice the signs strewn about
the ground 
and tripped and flew head long into a pool.
	Maxwell was the first to pop his head out of the water.  He felt funny,
there 
was something odd on his chest.  Out of nowhere, a squat ugly Chinese man, 
wearing a brown uniform topped by a cap with a red star appeared out of
nowhere.
	"Oh.  Too bad.  You fall in Nanichuan.  Spring of drowned girl."
	I watch to much anime.  Max thought.  Did he just say . . .  His thought
train 
was broken as he looked down, and screamed the most un-manly scream possible.
	At that point, a large Panda bear reared out of the water.  It held up a
sign 
that read, "Hey!  That's the cab driver!"  It then turned to Max.  The sign
it held 
up read, "Wow, would ya look at those knockers!"
	Max read the sign and threw a large rock at the Panda bear.  Strangely it
hit 
the Panda with a clanging sound.  Steam evaporated from the Panda . . . No,
it was 
Howard!  He looked down and noticed the Chinese man drinking tea with a huge 
cat.
	You are about to enter a zone where normal rules of sanity do not apply .
. .  
The thought was cut off by the sight of, Max fell on her ass laughing.
That was 
the pool the chief fell in.  Max had a feeling that Murphy designed this
place.
	The barking seal that climbed out of the water did not look happy.  
Somehow, a golden chief's anchor and SEAL trident pendant happened to be 
hanging around the seal's neck.  Howard saw this and proceeded to roll
about with 
much amusement.  
	"Where's Lenny?"  Max asked to the world at general.  His question was 
answered by a little fox, barely older than a kit that crawled sputtering
and bedraggled to 
Max's feet.  It shook itself several times and sprayed Max with water.  "Aww, 
cuuuute!"  Max said, sarcastically.
	The fox gave him the finger.  The claw more precisely.

Chapter  Two
Attention On Deck!
	"Damn the wierdos!  Full speed ahead."
		-- Adm. Nelson (sorta)

	After beating the truth of their new existence out of Mog, the ugly Chinese 
guy, the cursed quartet made it back to the ship in time before it got
underway.
	Max was swabbing the deck when Howard happened upon him several days 
later.  
	"Hiya Howard."  Max said, not raising his eyes from the deck.  He was a 
little peeved with Howard and Lenny.  Fifteen days of extra duty had done
nothing 
to improve his humor.
	"Max.  I been thinking."
	"Yeah?  I thought I heard something funny."
	"Shuttup.  I was wondering how the hell we're supposed to explain these 
curses."
	"Deal with it, hope your dad hasn't got three fiancee's lined up for you and 
a dirty old martial arts instructor."
	"OK, listen jerkweed.  You're the expert.  How do we get cured?"
	"You don't, or die trying.  However, I would like to point out that the 
normal laws of physics no longer apply to you."
	"Whatta'ya mean?"
	"Punch the bulkhead.  Hard as you can."
	"Huh?"
	"Just do it."
	"Ok."  Howard reared his arm back and slammed it into the bulkhead. 
"Owowowowow SHIT!  That hurt Max!"
	"Look at your hand, numbskull."
	"Holy cow!  Not a mark."
	"Nope, now look at the bulkhead."
	A large drop of sweat appeared on the back of Howard's head as he looked 
at the dented bulkhead.
	"You should have crushed your hand with that much force."
	"Uh, Max.  I think we should get out of here, before somebody notices."
	"Good idea."  Max twirled the mop over his head, with apparent ease.  
	A largish crack began to creak it's way down the bulkhead.  Max and 
Howard's eyes bugged out, looked at each other and ran.
	"Flooding Flooding Flooding!"  The 1MC voice declared.  Bells sounded 
and sailors rushed frantically around carrying shoring timbers and patch 
equipment.
	Inside the flooding compartment, a red headed girl in soaked dungarees 
fought with a huge Panda bear.  "It's your fault ya jerkoff!"
	The panda whacked! the girl with a sign that read, "YOU TOLD ME TO 
DO IT!"
	"It wasn't a legal order, dumb ass!"  She dodged a swipe of the panda's 
claws and punted the Panda ballistically.  It crashed through the overhead
and left 
a sweeping arc of dust and debris in it's wake.
	"What the HELL is going on here . . . Gurgh!" The Chief's voice was 
suddenly drowned out as a gout of water splashed him.  The seal barked 
impudently at Max.
	"It's not my fault Chief!  Phillips cracked the bulkhead!"  She deftly
dodged 
a flipper undercut with a neat backflip.
	The Panda, who somehow had mysteriously get back on ship, and not land 
in Iraq, held up a sign, "This guy seals our fate!"
	Max launched a bucket in the Panda's direction and said, "I knew I had a 
porpoise in life!"
	Hmm. Not good, Max thought, looking at the gushing water that was 
continuing to flood in.

[To be continued . . . ?]

Ok, this is a draft to test the waters.  Lemme know if I should bother
going on.

--------------
Sean
Maxwell Edison, Majoring In Medicine
(Does that mean I get to play doctor?)