SPOOF CHASE PRODUCTIONS
(http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/)
PRESENTS...
Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Tournament BETA :
Round 2 Results
A Street Fighter / Darkstalkers / Toshinden / Ranma 1/2
Samurai Showdown / Groove On Fight / Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles / And Many Others Reader-Voting
Tournament Fanfic
by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright other people, obviously. If I
ever even considered claiming that these were my own
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
I'd be forced to eat my own super combos to live.)
-=-
AUTHOR'S NOTE : YAHOOIE! Here are results of Round 2's voting!
The reader turnout was phenomenal; eighty votes in the first week
alone, more than the entirety of the first round! My thanks go
out to you wild funsters. Also, congrads to Rob McG, who guessed
the final song in Remi's match ('Lord Only Knows', by Beck.)
Be sure to check out the webpage listed above; the Tourney
section has been updated. Never seen Remi, Popura or Devilot
before? Now's your chance...
By the way, in this round, SOMEONE DIES HORRIBLY AND VIOLENTLY
AND I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHO IT IS! NYAH NYAH! Read on. >:)
MATCH 1 : DAN vs. KASUMI
"Don't bother trying to fool me with the 'Nice, Harmless
Girl' routine; I, DAN, will not be taken in by this deceiving
guise!" Dan proclaimed. "Today, you will be crushed by the
mighty iron fists of DAN!"
"You have a lot of self confidence. That's so nice," Kasumi
smiled. "It's good to believe in yourself."
"YES! I am MIGHTY! None withstand my awesome force!" Dan
boasted, laughing most manly. "Witness my power!!"
With that, he ran at Kasumi, intent on tearing her into
small pieces without mercy, but tripped on a pebble and stubbed
his toe and fell over more than seven feet away from that goal.
"Ow, oww!" Dan cried, grabbing his foot. "Mommy!"
"Oh my," Kasumi exclaimed, helping Dan back up. "Are you
hurt?"
"HAH! Something as small as this will never... ow... even
FAZE Dan Hibiki," Dan grunted. "Ow. Ow. My toe hurts."
"There there," Kasumi said, voice soothing and calm. She
took Dan's foot, rubbing the dinky little red spot. "It'll be
all better, just you wait and see. Then you'll be up and
fighting in no time."
"Gosh, thanks," Dan smiled, rubbing a hand behind his head.
"You're really swell. I wish my mom was as swell as you."
"Are you close to your family, Mr. Hibiki?"
"Yes... except... my dad is dead! WAAAAAAAAH!!!" Dan
bawled, snapping emotionally like a twig and crying tears of a
warrior's emotion. "OYAJIIII!!!! I must avenge you!!"
"It's always sad to lose a loved one," Kasumi said,
comfortingly. "Especially if you're trying your hardest to do
something about it, to try and make things better... you should
do what your heart tells you is right, and strive to take action
and heal from the loss. Then you can be happy again, and know
your father's love will never truly fade away."
The audience wept. Someone handed Kasumi an Oscar.
Dan was visibly moved. "YES! You're right!" he declared,
getting to his feet, the strength of resolution curing his
grievously wounded toe instantly. "The time is now to take
action and hunt down the horrible fiend who killed my daddy! NO
MORE DELAYS! I burn with the fury of a thousand orphaned sons,
ready to strike back, balanced in harmony with intent! TODAY, I
AM FINALLY A TRUE WARRIOR! BEWARE, SAGAT! HERE COMES *DAN!!!*"
Dan ran out of the ring, disqualifying himself instantly.
Kasumi waved cheerfully. "Bye bye, Mr. Hibiki! Good luck!"
[RESULT : WINNER KASUMI (79 votes), Dan (43 votes).]
"It's so nice when you have a purpose in life," Belldandy
commented. "Shame about the elimination, though."
MATCH 2 : DAVID vs. SPLINTER
David circled the mutant hesitantly, his chainsaw whirring
and rumbling at his side. Something wasn't adding up. All
Splinter had as a splinter of wood, a basic walking stick. How
did he expect to fight with that?
The boy shuffled forward, poking at the stick carefully, to
try to show the old guy that his plan wasn't going to work.
Spinning chain met stick in a blast of sparks. Not
sparklies, which are the magical residue left by Cute Magic (sort
of a twisted mix of the goodness of White Magic, and the
addicting power of Black Magic). These were sparks like striking
flint on stone, or more appropriately, saw on rock.
"Eh?" David wondered, hopping away for a moment.
"Petrified wood," Splinter explained. "You may ask, how can
wood get so hard?"
'Uhhhuhuhuhuhh,' two boys in the audience laughed to
themselves.
David ignored the educational lesson. He had business
elsewhere and the rat was in his way, and he'd learned from the
past that the best way out of a bad situation is to cut straight
through. The boy rolled forwards, keeping the saw ahead, taking
some quick swipes at Splinter.
The sensei stood his ground, barely moving. His hand
twitched lightly at each attack, staff twisting, snapping and
locking into just the right position to deflect the blow. Not so
much as a whisker was out of place.
David backed off, and decided to use some of the Heavy
Stuff. He pulled a small bomb out of his trenchcoat; not a
grenade, but a basic fighting game wacky ki-blast type bomb, and
lobbed it.
The bomb connected with Splinter head on, in a wild
explosion of light and color. When the light faded, one whisker
was singed.
David groaned in frustration.
"Why do you persist?" Splinter asked.
"Because I don't have TIME for this!" David yelled, pulling
his pistol. It wasn't much of one, but it worked as a backup
weapon. He pumped one round at Splinter, who simply cocked his
head to one side and let the bullet whiz by, where it harmlessly
embedded itself into the head of someone in the front row.
"Mpmhpmhhh!" the kid warbled, falling over with a gaping
hole in his orange coat.
"What is it that you need to do, young one?" Splinter asked.
David waved the saw uselessly, trying to threaten him.
"Sakura's in trouble. Nicotine's in trouble. I know what she
can do! I've got to do something!"
"Then allow me to speed your journey to her..." Splinter
said, tail flickering -- body flickering -- until he was right
under David, in the blink of an eye.
"Boot to the Rear," he politely said, and kicked David
straight up into the sky. And like all anime, David disappeared
into low orbit with a little 'pingggg' and a sparkle.
[RESULT : WINNER SPLINTER (86 votes), David (36 votes).]
"He didn't really leave the two dimensional ring," Skuld
figured. "But the Z axis displacement should enough to warrant
the win."
"It's the time displacement that's more important," Splinter
said enigmatically, before quietly leaving the ring to go rest.
He wasn't getting any younger, the sensei mused. Those sort of
techniques can be very draining.
MATCH 3 : CASEY JONES vs. KUROKO
Casey, who continually defied reality by living in his own
little world, span the 800 ton pillar of marble in one hand
tauntingly at the little black-clad stinking lawbreaking
slimeball criminal bastard.
Kuroko just stood there, hammer and chisel at the ready.
Figuring he had put as much fear into the cold black heart
of the vagrant as he could, Casey charged, screaming
"OEEOOEOEOEOEOEEEEE" or something similar, and flattened Kuroko
with the stone pillar.
The resulting WHAM splintered the floor a bit, sending
hairline fractures in all directions. Success, as usual. Casey
Jones began his patented Vigilante End-zone Touchdown Dance. He
ignored the slight chipping sound.
With a patient little tap tap tap, Kuroko burrowed his way
through the landed pillar, and emerged from a hole on top of it,
unscathed. He tossed the sculpting equipment aside, and pulled
out his flags. Now the real fight would begin.
Without a sound to alarm the resident psycho, the kabuki
ninja quietly jumped on him, and got into an all balls on the
table slugfest beat 'em up brawl. A cartoony cloud of dust
kicked up around the pair, with stars emitting from it, little
balloons reading POW! WHAM! and BLAMMO!, and of course, flags and
baseball bats and six foot tall chi-blasts and heart moon wands
and Nerf(tm) CrotchArrows.
"Oneesan, I can't see anything," Skuld complained. "Who's
winning?"
"Don't worry, I'll invoke a wind spell and clear up the
smoke!" Urd proclaimed, going into a complicated hand-waving
gesture.
Skuld, seeing this coming, put on a hard hat and constructed
an impromptu blast shield around herself out of concrete.
"O spirits of the winds, hear my call and do my bidding!"
Urd chanted. "Blow them away!"
The wind turned from still to a gentle breeze to a light
breeze to a slight breeze to a hurricane gale force sheet of pure
force in less than three seconds.
The smoke cleared up, yes, but both combatants were flung
through the air. In danger of flying out of the ring, they
grabbed whatever was handy; one of the four supports around the
arena.
Casey got the brilliant idea of taking out his last weapon,
a ruler with a label PROPERTY OF SISTER MARY FRANCIS OF ST. IRIS
OF THE BLESSED TOASTER, and smacked Kuroko's knuckles with it.
Kuroko let go of the pillar to rub his sore hand, and went
soaring through the air with the greatest of ease before smacking
into the bleachers. Ring out.
[RESULT : WINNER CASEY JONES (74 votes), Kuroko (48 votes).]
Belldandy floated down from the sky, holding onto an
umbrella, to survey the damage. "Oh dear... Urd-oneesan, were
you doing magic again?"
Urd whistled, and turned on her slightly tarnished but still
golden little halo of innocence.
MATCH 4 : MARIO vs. NARU
Bouncing. Bouncing was probably the best way to describe
it, as the pint sized Highlander wannabe girl slammed around the
arena like a rubber ball injected with intravenous Mountain Dew.
But Mario was no slouch at bouncing either, leaping here and
there, rebounding off walls, and so on. It was kind of like
watching two masters play the classic game Joust, except without
any birds, and they weren't stabbing each other with lances and
no giant red hands reached out of the moat to grab them, so
really, it was nothing like Joust.
Skuld got dizzy and had to reach for her dramamine as the
fight dragged on, seven minutes now, with Naru's sword flashing
like only an excessive amount of colored lighting can, and
Mario's sound effects slowly but surely grinding down on the
brain like an eighteen wheeler loaded with Barney dolls. Time
was ticking down, with no end in sight.
"You're-a pretty good, kid!" Mario laughed, or at least, the
red and blue shaped blur that was the italian plumber.
"Not too bad yourself, old fogey!" Naru giggled, chucking
little yellow sparks off her sword at Mario, all of which missed.
Enraged, Naru went into a new frenzy of bouncing, Mario in hot
pursuit.
Urd rubbed her temples. "I'm overdosing on cute here.
Can't we, like, DO something about this?"
"Are you going to cast a wind spell again and interfere with
the fight illegally?" Skuld grinned.
"Uh... what wind spell?" Urd whistled innocently, turning
her halo on again.
The clock ticked down, as both fighters accelerated, now
little more than comets and light blurs. Sort of like a 3-D
version of the Light Cycles from TRON. The resulting special
effects extravaganza dazzled and amazed audiences, and applause
was merited.
Then, at 0:07 on the clock, both fighters crashed headfirst
into each other, and fell to the ground, unconscious.
Stunned silence. The clock buzzed, having reached zero.
"Ummm..." Urd ummed, scratching her head. "Now what?"
"No ties," Skuld reminded. "No double eliminations..."
"Do we have time for more fighting between these two?"
"Not really."
"Then I shall pray onto Him, and He shall show us the way,"
Urd said, chanting in a low tone. "Dear father, who art--"
"They both win," the Lord spoke. "Let's have them team up
in the next round! Yeah!"
"..."
[WINNER : MARIO and NARU (61 votes each)].
MATCH 5 : NICOTINE vs. SAKURA
Nicotine fell to the ground, smoldering slightly from the
barrage of twisted energies and physical attacks Sakura had
dumped on him like so many crushed beer cans after a frat party.
Sakura, face twisted between unemotional disassociation,
pure rage, seething anger and other unpleasant things, glared
down at the little monk. "Is that your best?" she asked, in a
tone like lead slabs falling onto coffins.
"You're not a very nice girl, hitting a poor old man,"
Nicotine wheezed, getting up and dusting off his robes. "I'm
afraid I'll have to--"
About this time, as calculated in advance by a mutant were-
rat who had knowingly done this task to achieve this effect,
David exited his orbit of heaven and landed face first into the
arena floor.
"Hallo," Nicotine said. "Nice of you to drop by. Who're
you and what happened?"
David, who was fortunately unhurt because when you fall that
far either you're a thin red paste or completely unharmed, drama
depending, got up quickly. "I've got to stop this! Sakura's
been possessed by some evil! I came to warn you!"
"Possession?" Nicotine asked. "Funny how often I bump into
folks like that. This can be dealt with."
Sakura flared up with, well, fire, and cast a seething wave
of flame at the two. David jumped out of the way, lost his
footing and fell into the crowd; Nicotine kicked himself into the
air with his staff, and landed after the fire had passed, a slip
of paper already in hand.
"Same ward I used on Mizuki-chan," he snickered. The ward
was sort of reddish in color, with the kanji for 'Remove Standard
Make-Character-Evil Plot Device' written in script down its
length. "One slap to the forehead and it's all over. Come and
get it, bad girl."
Sakura came and got it, literally pulling it out of his
hand, burning it to ash, then grabbing the monk by his scrawny
little neck.
The arena exploded with a brilliant flash of light, like a
Pink Floyd concert stage if you accidentally turned everything on
at once including the smoke machine. Several unpleasant breaking
sounds, not stone, but probably bone, were heard.
Sakura, having successfully done the trademark move of
Generically Evil Shotokan, tossed Nicotine's completely mauled
figure out of the ring. She kept his staff, breaking it over one
knee, then teleported away in a small burst of purple energy.
[RESULT : WINNER SAKURA (96 votes), Nicotine (26 votes).]
"Man, he's really busted up," Urd commented. "This is gonna
take awhile to heal. You wanna go with him to medical? Hey, you
looking for his wallet?"
David shook his head, carefully going through the monk's
pockets. He withdrew some wards, until he found the right one.
"I don't have time to go with him," he said. "Sorry." He
quickly exited, stage right.
MATCH 6 : VERMILLION vs. B.B. HOOD
A JOHN WOO FILM
IN ASSOCIATION WITH SEVENTH HEAVEN PICTURES
THE LORD ALMIGHTY, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
STARRING :
VERMILLION as VERMILLION
B.B. HOOD as B.B. HOOD
Scene 1 : The Showdown
Two speedboats cruised along the harbor, bullets flying
between them. In one, a gaunt figure, with one hand on the wheel
and another on his shotgun. He wore a black trenchcoat. In the
other, a young mercenary with a black hood and cape, spraying the
other boat randomly with uzi fire.
B.B. Hood had tracked Vermillion down, intent on finally
killing him and collecting the bounty on his head. She wasn't
going to let him get away this time. He had killed her puppy,
her butterfly, and even stomped out her daisies. It was payback
time; the crazy psycho was going down.
She hadn't counted on him hopping into a boat and getting
into a huge chase, but she adapted. Both boats tore around the
water, swerving and dodging each other. Stuff exploded all
around them. B.B. Hood lined her craft up, sailing right
alongside the other, and got daring; she jumped, from one boat to
the other.
Her old boat veered off, and crashed into a buoy, exploding
into a twenty foot tall pillar of fire. She whipped the uzi into
Vermillion's face; he had the shotgun at hers.
A standoff.
"Well!" Vermillion giggled, twisting his arm; both guns
swapped left to right, but still remained one in each other's
face. "Isn't THIS a predicament?!"
"You're not getting away, Verm," B.B. Hood said. "For my
poor departed Sparky, I can't let you. Now put the gun down!"
Another boat pulled up alongside this one; both still
cruising at about seventy miles an hour. One of Verm's goons
whipped out two pistols, and pointed both of them at B.B. Hood.
"Put YOUR gun down!" he ordered.
Fortunately, B.B.'s partner, Lillith, had fluttered in on
her succubus wings and had a bazooka pointed at Vermillion's
head. Another goon showed up in a helicopter and pointed at
Lillith and B.B. and Q-Bee floated in to point at the goon and
the guy in the helicopter until everybody was covered.
Nobody fired; nobody moved. The slightest twitch could
result in the six way mexican standoff going disastrous.
Then the speedboats crashed into the dock, since nobody was
bothering to watch where they were going, and their occupants
were flung through the air. Lillith and Q-Bee crashed into each
other and fell into the water; the helicopter just exploded for
no adequately explored reason.
Verm and B.B. crashed through a window to a large building
by the dock, below the sign STANDARD ACTION MOVIE FIRE FACTORY.
Verm landed in a bunch of boxes that held TNT; B.B. landed on a
catwalk behind the gunpowder crates. Fire blasted all around
them, since this was an industrial site dedicated to producing
nothing, seemingly, except really cool looking roaring flames.
B.B. shot out one of the supports to the catwalk, and it
angled down; she hopped onto the rail, and slid down said
banister, pulling a second uzi from her basket to cut loose two-
handed style on Verm as she glided down the banister. She also
chewed on a toothpick.
Vermillion twisted and rolled away, slipping a pistol into
his hand, also blazing away with both firearms at B.B.. They
ducked and hid around large pieces of manufacturing equipment,
until both lost each other.
Both clips of B.B's smoking uzis clattered to the floor; but
otherwise, all was quiet. She quickly reloaded, as did Verm...
Now it ends, B.B. Hood thought.
She jumped to the side, pepperspraying the room with machine
gun fire as she flew through the air, then landed and rolled off.
Verm jumped out from behind his cover, and charged; B.B. ran,
pushing open a door.
Sunlight streaked in, as she had somehow found the doorway
that led to the abandoned church that for some reason was right
next to the fire factory. Soulful choir chanting came from
nowhere; doves fluttered through the sunbeams and the dust in
slow motion, each flap audible.
There wasn't enough time to consider the scene, as Verm
kicked in the door, and started to fire. B.B. twisted and
jumped, between two pews, which got torn apart as Vermillion's
hand cannons unloaded; finally, B.B. snuck up behind him, and
aimed.
Verm span around, and... another mexican standoff.
"You're still not having any FUN," Verm accused, smirking
behind his pistol grip.
"You killed my dog," B.B. accused, in a dead tone. "You
killed my pretty butterflies. And you stomped on my garden."
"How whiny you are!" he laughed. "If you're so determined,
shoot! Go ahead, I dare you!"
Slow motion crept in. B.B. had slipped a grenade from her
basket, and the pin was out... she reached up to throw it, and
Vermillion gave her the obligatory flesh wound for the good guy,
in the shoulder. The grenade bounced off harmlessly, blowing up
a few dozen extras and FBI agents who happened to be coming into
church.
Reeling forward, B.B. shoved with all her might, again in
slow motion, and the two staggered backwards -- crashing through
a very symbolic stained glass window. They fell, and fell...
Vermillion's arms waved, firing madly, until he was impaled
on a spike in the iron fence around the church. (Villians MUST
be impaled before they can actually die.)
B.B., bleeding and coughing, watched Verm twitch until
finally, the man was dead. It was over.
[RESULT : B.B. HOOD (62 votes), Vermillion (60 votes).]
"BEAUTIFUL!" John Woo cried, dabbing at his eyes with a
hanky. "Cut and print. Fabulous stunt work, guys, simply
fabulous! I think we've got something good here."
"Was I REAAAAALY good?!" B.B. Hood asked, reverting to the
adorably violently cheerful little girl she was.
"Yes, simply brilliant! I could use you in my next movie.
I'm directing Lara Croft's debut picture."
"Wow, Mom's in acting now?" B.B. Hood asked.
"Prop people, could we get Verm off of that fake spike,
please?" John asked.
The prop people looked around sheepishly.
"...you DID put a fake foam spike there, right?.."
A couple nervous coughs.
"Uhoh," John muttered. "Okay. Someone call the PR
department and a mortician, please?"
MATCH 7 : SD-AKUMA vs. UKYOU
Ugly, brutish, and short. That was Akuma in a nutshell. It
also happened to describe the fight. Anita stood on the
sidelines, glowing and looking worried and pointing at Akuma,
which is her lot in life.
Ukyou was NOT winning, not by any clear margin. Before she
could poke or whack at Akuma with her combat spatula, he'd just
teleport around, and either pelt her with chi or flying kicks.
Once or twice he'd go into a chibi-super-combo, doing impressive
damage for someone with such a small body.
Staggering around from her injuries, Ukyou realized the
match was over before she had even begun. But one thought still
burned in her mind.
"You may beat me," she spat, glaring at the little brat,
"But you will NEVER overcome the true spirit of Okonomiyaki
Martial Arts!"
"To beat you is not enough! I must DESTROY you!" Akuma
growled. (This felt good; he was back in his element, namely,
winning life's little challenges with generously applied graphic
violence.) "Show me this Okonomiyaki Art, so I may CRUSH IT AS
WELL, the weak form it is compared to Shin Shotokan!!"
A battle aura flared around Ukyou. The squirt had insulted
her honor, her legacy, and more importantly... her cooking.
This will not do.
Pulling a portable grill from hammerspace, Ukyou quickly set
up the ingredients, batter on the griddle, spatulas at the ready,
sauce poured on generously. Within moments, she had a combat
okonomiyaki ready for serving.
"Eat THIS!" she shouted, hurling the confectionery at Akuma,
who ate it.
Ukyou cooked another and threw it, and Akuma caught it
easily and chowed down. Flipping faster than she had ever
flipped before, Ukyou's raging inner fire of the pure form of
Okonomiyaki Martial Arts unleashed a raging torrent of dinner.
Akuma, determined to undermine the girl's efforts, ate every
single dish thrown to him.
"Is that your BEST?! AHAHAHHAHAA!!!" Akuma shouted, then
fell over from indigestion so bad it had tied his internal organs
into square knots, twice, then shut down his brain in order to
achieve self preservation.
Ukyou, triumphant, held one large spatula high, posing on
Mt. Fuji with the raging sea and the rising sun of Japan burning
bright behind her with the fury of a thousand chefs. "VICTORY
THROUGH SUPERIOR FLATWARE!!" she boomed, and waves crashed behind
her with the awesome might of her power.
[RESULT : UKYOU (81 votes), SD-Akuma (40 votes).]
"What a fight!" Skuld cheered, clapping appreciatively.
"What a meal!" Urd overjoyed, munching down.
"What a nice girl," Belldandy smiled.
"What happened to my tempura noodles?" the Lord asked.
MATCH 8 : KIYONE vs. MIHOSHI
There's a look in a person's eye they get, which shows that
they've gone so far over the edge that they're laughing at you
from the bottom of the cliff. It's commonly seen; you can spot
it on anybody climbing a clock tower carrying a violin case, or
folks entering book depositories with a trombone case, or people
showing up to work at the US Postal Office with a suspicious
looking semiautomatic rifle that they're caressing like a baby.
Most people have the common sense not to mess with folks
like that. Folks who have seriously gone Postal. Unfortunately,
Mihoshi isn't one of those folks.
"...then there was the time I spilled coffee in the
President of the Galaxy's lap, and he said he'd have you
publically flogged, Kiyone-san! Wasn't it nice of him to let you
off with a simple electroshock treatment? And--"
"MIHHOOOOSHIIIIIIII!!!!" Kiyone half-screamed, half-screamed
as she pointed her blaster at Mihoshi's empty little head. "DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIEEEEEE!!!!
Kiyone fired, and Mihoshi died.
A silence filled the arena. Except for the light 'thud'
Mihoshi made, of course.
This is usually where the crazy-eyed vigilante realizes the
error of their ways, and thinks, 'Dear god, what have I done?'.
"Dear god... what have I done?" Kiyone said quietly.
Then they tend to regret their actions, and weep openly.
They pray to god for forgiveness for their horrible deed, and
swear to make up for it, realizing violence never pays.
"Finally... I'm rid of Mihoshi!" Kiyone cheered, spinning
her blaster triumphantly. "I'm free! FREE! AHAHHA! Free at
last to get all those promotions, those missed opportunities...
free to get a boyfriend who won't be scared off, free to eat all
the chips in the bag before she gets them, free, free...."
Mihoshi got up.
"..." Kiyone replied.
"Ano?" Mihoshi blinked, poking the hole in her head. Then
poking the halo floating over her head at a slipshod angle, and
fluttering her adorable wings made of white feathers.
"..." Kiyone continued.
"Wow! Look at me! I'm an angle!" Mihoshi giggled. "Wow!
How'd this happen? Ne, Mihoshi, this means I'll live forever and
ever and ever, and can be with you until the end of time! Let's
go do some karoke to celebrate!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH," Kiyone
disagreed, and ran for her life.
Mihoshi-megamisama flapflapped her new wings, and zipped off
after her, flying in an awkward corkscrew collision course.
"Wait, Kiyone-san! Waaaaait--"
(CRASH)
"Itaaaai!"
[RESULT : KIYONE, sort of, (71 votes), Mihoshi (51 votes).]
"Umm... was that a happy ending?" Skuld asked.
"Yes," "No," Belldandy said, Urd said.
"Oh, okay. Just checking!"
EXHIBITION MATCH 1 : KING HIPPO vs. EARTHQUAKE
A constant 40hz note rumbled through the arena, as the two
personal mountains jumped, dodged, and ran around with thundering
footsteps.
Skuld was sobbing. Her supposed crack-proof arena was
taking a beating, as the two prime candidates for Jenny Craig
tore it to shreds simply by moving around so fast that their bulk
induced personal gravity fields. And, as in all such fights of
super powers, things tended to fall... up.
Earthquake unleashed his hook on a chain at King Hippo, the
blade arcing towards the incredible target zone that was the
washed out boxer. Hippo SOMEHOW dodged this, and landed a nasty
left hook on Earthquake's jaw.
"HA HA HA!" the King of Phat Phighting roared. "Even with
yer fancy ass weapon, you can't beat an AMERICAN!"
"I AM an American!" Earthquake roared.
"In those pansy tights? I don't think so."
Earthquake snarled, and kicked Hippo in the belly. This was
an involved process of getting EQ's leg up, then pushing it
outward, then trying to survive the recoil effect as it bounced
off the flab it struck.
Then King Hippo's pants fell down. He felt a draft.
"AAAAAA!" Skuld screamed, covering her eyes. "Now I'll be
traumatized for life after seeing that! Oneeesamaaaaaa! ;_;"
Taking advantage of the momentary surprise, Earthquake cut
loose with the punches and slashes. While Hippo tried to pull up
his boxer shorts (named such because boxers wear them), the
dangerously obese ninja pounded him into, well, at least a non-
moving pile of goo. King Hippo's body rippled a bit as all the
fleshy folds came to a slow halt.
"Urd-sama, yer gonna be MY date!" Earthquake bellowed,
tossing not a bouquet of flowers, but an entire tree at Urd.
[RESULT : EARTHQUAKE, (70 votes), King Hippo (52 votes).]
"Ano, can we have someone take the tree off my sister, and
someone please cover that man up?" Belldandy asked a few helping
angels. "He's scaring imoutochan."
Skuld sniffed.
"It's okay, Skuld-chan. It's more afraid of you than you
are of it."
"Really? Oh, okay."
EXHIBITION MATCH 2 : KAMUI SHIRO vs. SEPHIROTH
Another building went down. Started to go down, at least;
getting a building to completely collapse into rubble and glass
shards is a long process. Six buildings were already in states
of mid annihilation, to join the two hundred or so others already
stomped flat by the two warring combatants.
Most fashionable people had left Tokyo, seeing this sort of
thing coming a mile away. Anybody left was classified as an
expendable extra whenever we want to show the toll on humanity in
quick cuts away from the primary action, which, for some dramatic
reason, still hovered around Tokyo Tower.
"Skilled," Sephiroth admitted, eyes flaring blue with Mako
energy. "But ultimately futile. Look at your precious city!"
"Tokyo can GO TO HELL!" Kamui threatened, the sword he had
recently pulled from his mother's womb in a really gross symbolic
scene at the ready.
"Now, it ends!" Sephiroth declared, spreading his arms wide,
and flying in a tight spiral. Everything flashed white.
Then...
At the outlying edges of the solar system, a comet hurtled
towards Earth.
First, it crashed through Pluto. Then Neptune...
Urd spat out her soda, gaping at the remote satellite link.
"He's BLOWING UP THE SOLAR SYSTEM!!! (hey, actually, that's kind
of a turnon...)"
Skuld typed frantically on a computer. "If I don't keep all
the planets in gravitational and reality balance, that guy's
going to exterminate all life on earth! Urd! Hook me up to
Yggdrasil, I can run just ahead of the destruction and revert the
temporal damage to... ano... Urd-oneesan?"
"You know, I kinda like white hair..." Urd giggled like a
schoolgirl at the TV, as Sephiroth systematically brought about
Armageddon.
The comet melted a few more planets, before finally crashing
into the sun. The sun swelled, and exploded, baking the planet
Earth and burning it to cinders.
For some reason, all this did was cause the number 8792 to
pop up over Kamui's head, and he vanished in a small burst of red
polygons.
"Such is fate," Sephiroth stated, and zoomed away in
victory.
Below him, what was left of Tokyo, a misshapen collection of
twisted, melted girders and buildings, smoked in the afternoon
sun which peeked around clouds of black toxic odor.
"Next time," the mayor of Tokyo proclaimed, "We're putting
the buildings underground! On rails that'll let us pop them up
and down in case an other of these bloody angels decides to put a
fight in our town!!"
[RESULT : SEPHIROTH, (71 votes), Kamui Shiro (51 votes).]
Skuld sat back, wheezing. "I just barely saved all of
creation from that loon! Ne, oneesan, we should disqualify him
from... ano, why do you have little stars in your eyes?.."
The Lord enjoyed this.
"Not bad!" he cheered. "We've got some stiff competition
going now!"
"But only four more fights, sir," Belldandy reminded.
"That's okay, I have some more publicity stunts-- er, viewer
optional combat entertainments in mind," He said. "Belldandy...
bring me a tub full of chocolate pudding, and the following
warrioresses..."
AND SO, AFTER ROUND TWO, THE RESULTS ARE :
ROUND ONE ROUND TWO ROUND THREE ROUND FOUR FINAL
Dan \_Dan_________
Michelangelo / \_Kasumi______
Kasumi \_Kasumi______/ \
P. Toadstool / \_______?_____
Popura \_David_______ / \
David / \_Splinter____/ \
Birdie \_Splinter____/ \
Splinter / \____?____
C. Jones \_C._Jones____ /
M.A.D. / \__C._Jones___ /
Kuroko \_Kuroko______/ \ /
Kunou / \______?______/
Mizuki \_Mario_______ /
Mario / \__Mario/Naru_/
Luigi \_Naru________/
Naru /
SD-Sakura \_Nicotine____
Nicotine / \_Evil_Sakura_
Sakura \_Sakura______/ \
L. Raptor / \______?______
Chin \_Vermillion__ / \
Vermillion / \_B.B._Hood___/ \
S. Kensou \_B.B._Hood___/ \
B.B. Hood / \____?____
SD-Akuma \_SD-Akuma____ /
Athena / \_Ukyou_______ /
Anita \_Ukyou_______/ \ /
Ukyou / \______?______/
Kiyone \_Kiyone______ /
Remi / \_Kiyone______/
Mihoshi \_Mihoshi_____/
Devilot /
Will Kasumi be able to stand up to honorable rodent?
Will Sakura get exorcised by David, or stay an angsty goth forever?
Will Mario and Naru really be able to team up without killing each other?
Will any bad guys try to interrupt the proceedings?
What exactly did He want all that chocolate pudding for?
All these questions and more, answered, when Round 3 of Magical
Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Tournament BETA arrives at a newsgroup,
mailing list or website near you.