I really like your idea for this fic. I had thought about what it would be
like if Ranko had fallen in love with Ukyou. (IMO there are not enough
people to go around for Ranma's 3 fiancees normally. I don't really like
Mousse. With Ranko introduced, something like
Ranma-Shampoo,Ranko-Ukyou,Ryouga-Akane or
Ranma-Akane,Ranko-Ukyou,Ryouga-Shampoo would be possible.)
I hope you write more, and by all means make it into a lemon. :)
Why did you write the fic on paper and then type it out? If you can get 
regular access to a computer in a relatively quiet spot, IMHO its more 
efficient to just type it out in the computer. Writing by hand is _SLOW_. :P

As for your writing style, why are you using '' for quotes instead of "?
The '' get kind of distracting for me after a while, and the " looks much 
better.

This first part is a rough draft right? There seems to be parts of 
dialogue chopped off; there was no dialogue between Ranko and Ranma when 
they first split. And some of the rest of the dialogue seems a bit...not 
in the character. Its almost like the characters are distracted by 
something else when they are talking with each other. Also the scene at 
the end where Ranko kissed Ukyou was a bit too abrupt...IMHO it should 
have been given more time to develop, perhaps not to happen until a later 
part of the story.

-Philip Mak (pmak@cs.stmarys.ca)