programming: n.  1. the art of debugging an empty file.  2. A pastime similar
		 to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer
		 opportunities for reward.

<snicker>

	``Great granddaughter, this is not a very good idea.''

	``I have heard what you say.  However, I won't accept my failure yet.
I have to try this at least once.''  Shanpoo stares back at her

Shanpoo?

My suggestion would be to use either Shampoo or Shanpuu, and not mix them
up.

Great-grandmother, knowing the argument about this course of action like the
back of her hand.  The potion worked almost everytime, provided those involved
were not so incompatible that even the overwhelming power of the spell could
not bridge the gap.  It was used in the village when a marriage was falling
apart and nothing else could save it.  Half the time the marriage desolved with

dissolved

a minimum of pain, and the other half it rose from its stagger and danced.

	``Remember that I warned you.  If this fails you will give up on Ranma
and we will return to China.''

	``Hai, Obaba.''  Shanpoo bows, then turns back to her food, tasting it
one last time before adding the last ingredient, checking the label four times
to make sure.

Run-on sentence.  I'd break the part about checking the label four times
into a separate sentence.
 

****

	``Akane, I'm sorry, but I can't let you poison me anymore.  There are
three things one needs to do while cooking.  First, one must know what one is
doing, which means you need to follow a recipe with no substitutions until one
has some experience.  Second, one must know what one is putting in.  Does
Kasumi add vinegar when she means oil or oil when she means water?''  Akane
shakes her head, ``Last, one must taste what one is cooking as one adds
ingredients, or the food won't be as good as it could be.  When one is winging
it, tasting the food is the only way to tell if it is going properly.  You've
watched Kasumi cook, right?''  Akane nods, ``Does she call you or Soun or
Nabiki in to taste the food as she cooks it?'' Akane shakes her head, ``Of
course not.  She knows what she wants it to taste like, so she tastes it as she
goes along.''  Shanpoo's sudden arrival throws him off track, but Ranma turns
it to his advantage, ``Shanpoo, when you cook do you taste the food as you go
along to check how it is doing?''

EEEEEEK!  Teenage Mutant Ninja Paragraph!

There's probably enough material here for four or five paragraphs.  I'd also
say that the part describing Shampoo's entrance needs some work.
 
 

	``What are you too talking about?'' Ranma is mildly bewildered by

                       ^^^
two

Shanpoo's sudden loss of her accent, and Akane's comment doesn't help.  Akane
reaches across the table and takes Shanpoo's hand, squeezing it lightly.  Ranma
hits quite bewildered.

Just how can one hit quite bewildered?
 

	``I'm going with my wife to China.''  Akane smiles happily, zoning out
into Shanpoo's face.

Akane zones out into Shampoo's face???  That makes a bizarre mental
picture...
 

	``Moshi moshi?  Utchan?  I need to talk to you right now.  Could you
come over?  Please?  It's kinda urgent.  Thank you so much.''  He sets the
telephone reciever down, drifts to the bottom of the stairs and listens to the
happy laughter from upstairs.  *she's happy.  I have to be happy for her* After
a bit the laughter dies down and he hears Akane's door open and their
footsteps.  He walks quickly into the dinning room and sits down next to the
bowl of congealing ramen.  ``Will you write me?''  He asks as they walk by,
each with a pair of suitcases.

I'd say that there should be at least two paragraphs here.
 

	``Don't worry Utchan, it wasn't your fault.  I should have heard them

Don't worry, Utchan,

talking about it having a love potion in it.  Besides, why should I be upset at
having such cute spice?''

'cute spice'?  Huh???

	``I know you have to do that, Ran-chan, but do you think it would have

                     ^^^^
had

	``Not me.  I'm not done growing yet, so it'd stunt my growth.''

	``I've hit my full potential, at least according to the doctors.  If
she wants to I'm willing.''

OK, one of these lines was spoken by Shampoo, and the other by Akane, but
who said which?
 

	``Wouldn't you mind?''  She asks Shanpoo.

'She' doesn't need to be capitalized.
 

	``Why would I mind.  You know the village laws too.  Any children

mind?

	``You've got it wrong.  Nothing like that is necessary.  You take in a
clean bottle or film can and say `Ranma, Shanpoo and I have decided to have a
child and we'd like you to make a donation to the cause' or some such.''

Um... this could be construed as asking for money to hire a gigolo... :P
 

	``No, father, Ran-chan didn't feed either of us the love potion.  We
both ate it of our own free will.  Ranma did tell Akane to taste the ramen it
was in, but that was because he was trying to make her realize what she was
doing wrong as a cook.

<snicker>

I think I'd change the wording of that last bit, though.

 How was he to know that Shanpoo had drugged the ramen?
It isn't something she's ever done before.''

Manga continuity, I take it?

	``That's right.  And I ate the ramen because I wanted to help Ranma
cope with losing Akane.  Heck, Akane said that we should do it.''

Again, I can't decipher who is saying what.
 

	``This isn't the way things would have gone if Shanpoo hadn't brought
by that bowl of ramen, but it isn't as bad as you are making out. 

<snicker>

Again, I'd change the wording.

	``I remember hearing about a Shintou priest who will do ceremonies for

Finally...  someone who's consistent with the 'o' 'ou' thing...

`odd' families.

Yup... three of them, that's an odd family...  at least until they have one
child... :)

	``Hazukashii

Gesundheit! :)

nan desu kedo,'' Akane breaks off, flushing.

The Tendous have a toilet in their garden??? :)
 

	``Oh, and would you two like some dinner?  We made enough,'' Kasumi
looks back over her shoulder at the edge of the house.

Uh-oh!  Remember what happened the last time they ate together. :)
 

	``Why shouldn't I?  You're the happiest that I've seen you, ever.  Your
iinazuke are lovely, and you all actually know how to express affection without
violence.  It would be hard for things to get better.''  She smiles at her
child, strokes her cheek with one finger, and Ranma leans into the caress ever
so slightly.

 
Uh-oh indeed! :)  Oedipus complex? :)
 

Epilogue:

	``Oh, yeah, Kunou-sempai, you wouldn't have heard.  Akane went off to
China with Shanpoo, and last I heard they were expecting their first child.''
Ranma dodges the fountain of blood and watches amazed as Tatewaki passes out in
the schoolyard.  ``Coming, Utchan?''

Hmmm...  Kunou doesn't strike me as the type who would nosebleed this
easily.  Ryouga, on the other hand...

Speaking of which, what would Ryouga make of all this, anyways? :)
 

---
Authorial Rambling...

	Well, I actually thought up a story that isn't a UF sized epic. . .

	This'll be my first post to r.a.a.c, so please, tell me what you
think.  I'll even take things like `Akane and Shanpoo?  You are one sick
puppy!', but `You suck!' isn't quite adequite, and is irrelevant to the
subject of whether the _story_ sucks ^_^

I like it.  It's an original twist on a long-worn-out idea.

A few points, though...

- Consider writing the story in past tense.  I see no reason for using
present tense, and the use of present tense necessitates some rather awkward
phrasing.

- When exactly does this take place?  The maturity level of all the
characters seems higher.

-- 

- Sean Connor (sec@frodo.com)

        "It jams." - Intel TV ad, referring to the Pentium chip.