So you want to be a fanfic writer. Well, that nice and all, but there are
a few things you need to know about yourself before continuing on what
many would consider to be a haplessly foolish quest in futility. Look
deep into the tumulous, turbulent, twisted dark recess in the back of your
mind called Reason. Is there something there? Is it small? Is it not
black, but a fluffy white? Pink? Can't find it? Nothing there? Well,
if you couldn't find anything (or found something but it didn't really
seem to be Reason) then perhaps we should try to break things down for
you. What if you did find something? And it was black and it was called
Reason? Well, if you're still reading this, then it obvoiusly has left
you, so keep going, o-foolish one.
So you think you have that inner drive or motivation that compels you to
write what is known as fanfiction. Well, to put it simply, it's not inner
motivation. It's obsession, not motivation. Still think you're up to the
task of being a fanfiction writer? Wondering just how many more questions
we're going to ask you? Take a gander at the quickie quiz below to see if
you're ready for fanfiction.
Fanfiction Writer's Pre-Test
Be sure to answer each of the following questions with either a "yes," or
a "no."
1) Do you know what anime is?
2) Do you know what manga is?
3) Do you spend countless hours reading manga, to the point where your
girl/boyfriend tells you that they're leaving you for your dog?
4) Your cat?
5) Your young sibling?
6) You never had one in the first place?
7) Do you spend so much time watching anime that the phrase "Tonari No
Totoro" takes on a whole new meaning?
8) Do you ride the Neko-bus to work/school?
9) Do you eat okonomiyaki on a regular basis in the attempt to get a
"cute fiancee" for yoursef?
10) Do you practice martial arts to take out that local Kendo star?
11) Does his name have the words "Aoi/Blue," or "Ikazuchi/Thunder" in it?
12) Do you spend a great deal of time thinking to yourself, "if I were in
their shoes, I'd ___________ (fill in the blank)."
13) Do you spend a great deal of time enacting those remarks?
14) Do you constantly act out your anime/manga fantasies?
15) Do you frequently wonder just how much fun it would be to have
gratuitous sex with one/two/three/four/more of the characters from the
cast of characters in your favorite anime/manga?
16) Do you try to act out those fantasies?
17) Do you constantly listen to anime soundtracks/JPop?
18) Do you sing along even though you don't know the words?
19) Do you get a kick out of making people that answer "yes" to the vast
majority of the aforementioned questions sick from your "theories" of how
characters should act?
20) Are you one of those people that get pissed off?
Okay, the scoring is simple. If you answered "yes" to any of the
questions give yourself five points. If you answered "no," then give
yourself a big fat zero points. Wonder how you compare to the rest of the
world?
Scoring (based on statistical data gathered from a population sample size
of n^2-3n+14, analyzed using a t-square and p-test, using chi-square
calculations, blah, blah, blah, <insert boring statistical gibberish>):
200-101 - Quit lying. You're only digging a bigger hole for yourself.
Cheaters never win.
100-91 - You have some serious problems to work out in a 12-step program.
Congratulations, you more than well qualified.
90-81 - Well, there are certainly some things you need to talk to Mom and
Dad about. Just be sure to first tell them that you love them very
much...
80-71 - Great. So you think you're hot stuff, don't you? Forget it.
You're about as hot as a tofu-burger in a meat-lovers convention,
or something like that... Go back and double check your score.
70-61 - Something is obviously wrong. You got through the introduction
without hitting the delete key. You must be qualified in some
way. Take the test again and say "yes" to a few more questions.
60-51 - You really have some serious problems. You obviously can't decide
whether you're a mentally imbalanced individual or possess
slightly aberrant behavior. Hit your head repeatedly and see if
it clears things up for you.
50-41 - Forget it. Go back and take the test again.
40-31 - Really. Take the test again.
30-21 - Perhaps you didn't hear me correctly.
20-0 - You obviously are far more normal than any of us reading or
actively participating in this work of expository humor. Get out whilst
the getting is good.
0-(-10) - I guess Jyusenkyo really does exist. I have a few words for
you: Spring of Drowned Village Idiot.
So you took the test and you graded yourself. How did you do? You think
you scored appropriately? Great. That's just great. What does it men?
I have no idea. Move on to the next section...
Getting Ready To Write
So you want to be a fanfiction writer. That's great. I'm sure you'll
make Mom and Dad proud. I'm sure you're asking yourself, "how do you
write that 'Bitter End,' or that 'Thy Outward Part?'" It's simple. You
don't. They've already been written and don't need writing again. Follow
the simple step by step guide to writing that glorious work that will be
praised by fans for eons after you're dead.
1) Watch some anime or read some manga. Get into the action. If it
means wearing some strange clothes or saying odd things, so be it.
Sometimes you have to get inside the character's head beore you can
portray him/her.
2) Drink lots of liquid and then force yourself to write a page before
you go to the bathroom. For the first hour, nothing will happen, but once
the second hour rolls around, you'll be ripping off chapters faster than
Tolstoy on speed.
3) Do some drawing. Draw your characters. Draw their surroundings. If
you can visit the said surroundings, do it. Seeing things in front of you
rather than in your already warped head will make things easier.
Besides, your mother always told you to stop watching that horrible
"ANN-ime."
4) Plot out what you wants the characters to do. Write a list of what
you want them to do. It can be a big list or it can simply have a few
things on it. Plot devices can range from "kissing each other" to "the
main chracter rips off the head of the antagonist in a bloody,
self-depreciating action that causes his significant other to shun him for
the rest of his life making him revert to a cloistered life in Tibet."
5) Write everything down when it hits you. If you have to tattoo
yourself to keep those ideas fresh in your mind, then do so. Nobody said
writing was going to be pretty...
6) Submit the work to other people. You can't possibly get anything
accomplished by keeping it all to yourself. Share the wealth they say...
So you've gotten your computer, booted up the word processing program, and
pulled out that cube of Dew. You've got a lot of work ahead of you, so be
sure to go at it in full force. God speed...
Author's Notes: There's bound to be more than what I've outlined above.
In fact, I'm sure you could write a whole piece about it. Unfortunately,
I have neither the time, nor the resources to do so. IF you want to do
it, then that's your business. On the other hand, if given enough
incentive ($$) I can do anything. After all, it's just like what
economists say, "if you pay elephants enough, they'll hunt themselves."
Regardless, there's bond to be much more to the writing process. There
always is. After all, there's editing, revisions, re-editing, submission,
and re-submission, not to mention countless other facets. In any case,
dig into that fallow field of foreshadowed free-floating inspiration.
You'll come up with some good eventually. After all, a blind squirrel
will get his acorn eventually...
* * * * * * * * * *
Ethan Tsai
1 N. College Street
Northfield, MN 55057
TSAIE@Gridley.ACNS.Carleton.edu
http://public.carleton.edu/~tsaie/ethan.html