Ooops, looks like the first one got cut off. My fault!
Richard Lawson wrote:
: Here it is, folks...
Damn, I wish I had stayed on a little longer on Friday. Well,
today's just as good.
: The cross-over that should *never* have been written...
Oh yeah, *great* advertising copy if I ever saw it. Nothing to
get the audience in the mood than to imply there's something
*wrong* with what they're going to read. "Heck, they're still
buying Windows 95, so they must *crave* junk - let's appeal to
that taste," eh? ;)
: The ultimate exercise of an author's ego...
What, you added a self-insertion, too?!
: How the TIL Ranma (a.k.a. TILma) reacts to a strange
: man entering his house and calling him "Dear"!
Also known as _The Nerima Chainsaw Massacre_
: Pregnant Akane beat on pregnant Ranma from TOP (a.k.a. TOPma)!
Too bad they didn't have a pool of mud or Jello at hand to do it
in.
: TOPma try and look up Kentaro in the TIL universe!
Just look under "Nobel Peace Prize Nominees" in the directory.
: Kentaro make advances on TILkane!
Guh-what?! I think this fic just took an unecpected turn into the
Twilight Zone. Well, I was asking you to expand it - I shoulda
given more specific instructions. :)
: Oh! And angst, angst, angst!
Surpri-i-ise!
: This is truly just an exercise in fun for me - a chance to see how the
: two universe would react to each other. Don't expect a grand, sweeping
: drama.
There was enough possibility for that in it, last time I looked.
: Don't expect high comedy either; I'm not good at that.
Don't worry, that's what we're there for. :)
: This draft is a lot rougher than I usually send to the FFML, so *any*
: feedback you want to give me would be greatly appreciated.
*Any* feedback? You keep saying that, but then, when I tell you I
hate it and everything it stands for, you get this not-so-happy
look... ;)
:
: DEFINITIONS OF HELL
:
: by Richard Lawson
:
Glad you kept the title. I like it and think it's still
appropriate.
: Ranma leaned against the boulder with a sigh. At long,
: long last, it was over.
:
: The creature, whatever it was, sank into a pool of its
: own blood.
You really need to get more creative with your monsters. The last
three ones all were completely undefined, two of them even
formless. Give it a bit of imagination; read some Lovecraft, if
you must (although he, too, seems to prefer his menaces vague and
formless most of the time, come to think of it).
: "Death. Always magic in death. I use my death to curse
: you." The creature was struggling to speak now, making
: it even harder for Ranma to understand. "To you, Hell.
: To Hell with you." The light flickered out from its
: eyes.
Any reason for the capitalized "Hell"? I mean, it can't be
because it's a place name - it's *always* a place name, after all.
: The other looked very, very angry. She was staring at
: first woman's distended belly. "You left me for six
: months so you could hide *this* from me?! And now you
: come back?!"
:
: More unpleasantness ensued.
Still think you should put the shouting and "Ranma no baka" back
in.
: Ranma's head was spinning about. He'd been so looking
: forward to resuming life in Heaven - or at least, as
: close to Heaven as he could possible get on Earth.
: Instead, he'd found Hell. And it choked his heart.
You're really going rampant with the capitals here. Are you sure
they are all needed?
: "Who the hell is Kentaro?"
:
: "My husband of course! What's with the pregnant costume
: anyway? Is that something your theater company's doing?"
:
: "Costume! I'll give you a costume!"
But what would she need one for? She looks pregnant *already*. :)
: "What!" Akane's anger flared up. "I didn't! I mean,
: yes, we both broke off the engagement a dozen times, but
: in the end..."
Twice. Once over Shampoo, before it became apparent that Ranma
was not two-timing her, and once when his engagement was
transferred to Nabiki.
: "You didn't want to." Kentaro's voice was quiet. "She
: let you go. She... couldn't marry a woman. And at the
: time, it seemed as if you were going to be a woman
: forever."
: For almost two years you both tried to find a cure for
: what Herb did to you. The whole family tried. Nothing
: worked, and it slowly became obvious that you were going
: to be a woman forever."
The "you were going to be a woman forever" bits are redundant.
rephrase one.
: "Damn," he said softly. Kentaro obviously loved him. As
: much as that thought still repulsed him, he still found
: his heart going out to Kentaro, regretting with Kentaro
: the love he'd lost.
Too many "Kentaro"s in this passage. Suggest "regretting with
him".
: "What, that I fell into 'Pool of Young Woman with Red
: Hair and Blue Eyes' and your Ranma fell into another
: variation? The curses don't work that way. I think this
: is a different world altogether. An alternate universe."
I don't like that word; I always use "alternative". It's just not
what "alternate" *means*. Which is not to say that Ranma should
not use it here. :)
: Kentaro frowned. "More science-fiction terminology."
:
: Ranma shrugged. "So, *you* tell me what Autumn's Shaver
: has to say."
Still think this should be "Occam's". This took me three readings
to get, the first time. Ranma's not *dumb*. Let him get the name
right, but the "Razor" wrong.
: "What about Herb?"
:
: "Who?"
:
: Ranma's eyebrows shot up. "The guy who froze me in
: female form."
:
: "Oh, *him*." Her eyes widened. "Are you saying...?"
:
: "How long do you think I was stuck as a woman?"
Still think she pulls this one out of thin air. Why does she ask
this question? What made her think that the length of her being
locked is important? That she nails down the crucial difference
with such a lucky guess (and the first one at that), feels very
contrived.
: A week. And then the restriction lifted. How different
: life would have been if that had been the case. No
: months and months of searching for a cure. No
: exquisitely painful discussions of the engagement, of the
: future. No years spent adjusting, being alone,
: struggling day to day to find a reason to go on.
:
: My God. How much things would have changed. Ranma's
: head swam with the visions of a life without the pain of
: losing Akane.
:
: "Ranma." She looked up to see Akane looking at her with
: concern. "Are you all right?"
:
: And suddenly, Ranma's vision shifted. With perfect
: clarity, she could see Akane as her wife, as someone
: she'd spent her whole adult life loving, and it was
: wonderful. Ranma's breath caught with the beauty of it.
: Of Akane.
:
: Ranma forced her eyes closed and put her hand on her
: belly again. She thought of Kentaro, and her love for
: him came surging through. While life after Herb had been
: extraordinarily difficult, it had allowed her to come to
: know an extraordinary person. An understanding, loving,
: patient man who had given her a sense of stability, of
: control. Who had been the perfect yin for her yang. Or
: vice versa.
:
: Ranma smiled slightly and opened her eyes, the knowledge
: of her ten-year relationship with Kentaro firmly in her
: mind. Now Akane looked like a good friend, and Ranma had
: no regrets.
Still love this utterly.
: Akane chuckled. Ranma looked over at her, surprised.
: Akane smiled.
I think Nicholas already commented on this. This is a bit *too*
short'n'choppy, even for my tastes.
: Kyoko. Ranma frowned, wondering about whether or not it
: was acceptable for the heir to the School to be female.
: Certainly Genma would never go for it. Then again, his
: counterpart was mostly female and ran the school. Ranma
: should really know better than to think that being female
: meant you couldn't run a school.
:
: Ranma filed the thought away for future consideration.
While I love the reference to future events in the TIL-verse, I
somehow feel that this last sentence is pushing it a little too
far. The previous paragraph is all that is needed for the
dramatic irony or whatever one would call this.
: Ranma waited. No response was forthcoming. He gently
: prompted, "Do you understand, Kyoko-chan?"
:
: Kyoko, in a gesture achingly similar to Nouma, had a
: finger alongside her nose as she thought.
Gah! I knew it! Self-insertion Alert! Self-insertion Alert!
;)
I liked this new scene.
: "N. N." She wanted to scream, she wanted desperately to
: scream, but only half-formed sounds escaped her lips.
:
: "Akane... where are you, Akane?"
: She tried to focus on the voice, but woke up instead.
Ah, expanding upon the dream contact. Good. I like this scene,
too. And what a relief that the Kentaro-Akane thing was just
this. <Phew!> :)
: All he was left with was an image of a pregnant woman
: reaching out to him. And though he felt like that woman
: *should* be Akane, he was somehow certain it wasn't.
Ah, here's the mirror image to TOPma's dream. Good.
: Ranma frowned. It wasn't Kentaro; he was already
: familiar with the sounds he made. Whoever it was knew
: the layout of the house, and was walking along the
: hallway in smooth, sure steps. Ranma ran through a list
: of likely suspects before calling out, "I'm in the
: kitchen, Nabiki."
:
: The steps paused a moment, then moved towards him.
: Nabiki was looking at him thoughtfully. "Do you have
: mental telepathy where you come from or just super-keen
: senses?"
"Mental telepathy"? I don't think Nabiki would use anything this
redundant, which is doubtful because it is too repetitive for her,
making it OOC. :)
: Ranma raised his eyebrows. "Hey. That was actually
: pretty considerate of him."
:
: "He does stuff like that a lot. Makes you want to gag
: sometimes."
:
: Ranma grinned. "I take it you're not exactly enamored of
: him."
:
: "Oh, I like him just fine. You and he get along
: famously. He's just a little too saintly for my tastes."
Yaaayy! You made Nabiki the greek chorus! Way cool!
: Nabiki stared at him for a long moment. Finally, she
: spoke. "Thank God I don't like in your world, Ranma."
"Live". She wouldn't like it, too, but I'm pretty sure you mean
"live". :)
: He grinned. "Thanks, Nabiki. Something else you have in
: common with my Nabiki is this tendency to do these nice
: things and then get embarrassed about it whenever anyone
: mentions it."
:
: She flushed just to prove the point.
:D :D Lovely.
: "Oh, I must use the bathroom." Akane stood up and
: waddled over to the door. She stopped and looked at
: Ranma. "What's your plan?"
:
: Ranma grimaced. "I think... I've got to meditate.
: Seriously meditate."
:
: "What do you mean, 'seriously'?"
:
: "I'll show you. I'll need to set a couple of things up."
: Ranma slowly got out of bed herself. "But first, I'm
: gonna race you to the bathroom. Last one there better
: have a mop."
Err, one thing about the bathroom in their house (and as far as
I'm informed, japanese bathrooms in general) is that it is
strictly separate from the toilet. No such bodily functions are
perfomed near the furo. The actual location of that room is not
revealed in the manga (believe me, I looked), and probably not in
the Anime either. I think they actually do it in the garden,
which would explain the high walls around the estate. :)
: "And what is this going to accomplish again?"
:
: "Well, I hope to find what it is in my dreams that is
: bothering me. If it's me - that is, the Ranma you know -
: then I want you here to help call him back. And, just
: maybe, I can cross over there as well."
Still too contrived for my tastes. I just don't like it that she
is already talking of crossing over. It's far too fantastic a
notion for her to have just like that. At the most she should be
thinking of probing her own subconscious for what is bothering
her, and *perhaps* hope that it is some kind of mental link she
shares with her other self (because of her dreams) - but the talk
of crossing over kills the credibility for me. Too deus-ex-
machina.
: "Yeah." She looked around. "So, now that we've got the
: bonding part down, what next?"
:D :D
: "Um." He looked around. "I don't know. I was told that
: the key to getting back was through your baby."
:
: Ranma felt her belly. "Really? Why? How?"
:
: "Yes, because it's innocent, and I haven't a clue."
:
: "Oh. Not terribly useful under the circumstances."
:
: Ranma frowned and put his hand over hers. She felt his
: chi began to flow into her body, towards the baby. She
: closed her eyes and sent her chi flowing as well.
:
: And she could see it. A tunnel of light that led from
: the baby. She could see where it had come from, and
: where it yearned to be. *Needed* to be. And the
: light... if she and Ranma could... just...
:
: "No. I do not permit it."
A lot better. The "tunnel of light" stuff is a bit clicheed to be
truthful, but *plot*-wise it works for me. :)
Also good that you defined the monster a bit more here.
: AUTHOR'S NOTE:
:
: Well, whaddya think?
Still not enough.
The changes made the solution a bit better, but I still think it's
arrived at too conveniently by blind luck with too little
searching and false starts. TILma's second trip to Australia
should he a bit more reason than this. If he just meditates and
everything is solved, he could have done the same thing at home,
just like TOPma. I think the story would gain a lot if the
solution is arrived at after a bit more struggle. Let both TOPma
at the Dojo and TILma with the Shama pursue several lines of
thought and do some spirtual or magical research before this
happens. I don't mean that they should find out specifically how
to cross over and what to do, only that it shouldn't happen right
away when they try the first thing that enters their head.
The TILma/Kentaro relationship is underexamined. There is a true
wealth of potential conflict here that you still left mostly
untapped. TOPma's wonderful insights when faced with a universe
where she is married to Akane should be balanced with something of
a revelation for TILma. Perhaps just some scene where he realizes
how well he and Kentaro fit to each other, even as two guys. Also
TILma might turn female sometimes for Kyoko's benefit, although
he'd probably have to struggle with himself because he'd feel
uncomfortable being female around Kentaro and would try to remain
mostly male around him.
Since the TILma/Kentaro side has the greater angst and conflict
potential, the TOPma/Akane pairing drifts a bit into the
background. I don't know how to add some more struggle to their
side. You could do that by emphasizing the ticking clock in form
of her unborn baby. (BTW, does it have a name?) One thing I
mentioned already is the potential for conflict between TOPma and
Akane over TOPkane's role in TOPma's life.
Also, I'd really have loved a TILma/TOPkane confrontation, though
that would probably a right bugger to write. :)
In short, a wonderful story, and each expansion adds more great
aspects to it, but you are still too timid to explore it to its
full potential. Please stop convincing yourself that this isn't a
very "worthy" or "valuable" fic or represents some kind of author
vanity, like you imply in the intro - it's not true.
: I'm still looking for a better title. Any thoughts?
Hmmm. How about _Definitions of Hell_? You still haven't
explained what's wrong with it. Just because there's no "thy" in
it... ;)
: I'd like to know how effective the arguments were, and
: whether they can be improved. I believe they can be,
: considerably. I'm fairly certain TILma's concession of
: TOPma's points was rather sudden, but I couldn't think of
: a decent way for him to argue against what she was
: saying. Your thoughts appreciated.
You're probably right. Will think on this.
Sebastian